Well, the brain works like that, it changes itself, so if you've been a certain way for a while... That's how it was with me and anxiety; I had to work to get out of that state. The good news is, those kinds of states aren't permanent. Really? I think that's one reason why machines can be so dangerous. They have no feelings, no compassion or moral judgment. And because we can use them at a distance, we can feel removed from whatever destruction we're causing.
I didn't expect you to just jump right in; these things have to be taken slowly. My perspective on punishment is that it should be corrective, as much for the sake of the person who committed the crime as anyone else. I don't believe in punishment because it's "deserved." Who does that really help? Maybe it makes the victim's family feel better, but... It also hurts the perpetrator's family. And I wonder if that kind of revenge doesn't usually cause some kind of hurt in the people who took it, some kind of spiritual damage? In any case, rehabilitation is much more effective at reducing recitivism rates than pure punishment. I mean, when you don't give someone help to do better... And I think this idea that someone can be bad and deserve bad things often does more harm than good. It makes me think of Bojack Horseman. Bojack is selfish, constantly hurting the people around him; he tries to do better, but he always fails. And I think that part of the reason for that is that he doesn't expect anything better of himself, he thinks he's a bad person and he can't change. The fourth season did end more optimistically... But anyway, as for My Name Is Earl... I'm familiar with it, but I haven't seen much of it. Isn't one of the points, though, that Earl himself benefits from trying to fix his mistakes? Like, his life is enriched by the people he helps? So it's almost like... it was good for him, too, that he had his accident, because otherwise, he wouldn't have started to turn things around. Of course, redemption isn't easy, and there are a lot of hard feelings to face... but in the end, it's better to face them, because ignoring them doesn't make them go away. Oh, yeah, I wouldn't track her down, either. I mean, you could say something if you just happened to run into her, but...
That's ok! Well, the important thing is to not let it hold you back anymore; that sounds like great progress! That makes me wonder, what does forgiveness mean to you? Because I don't define it as an excuse, rather, just... sympathizing with the person you were at the time, and not being angry at yourself anymore. See, from my perspective, it's easy to forgive mistakes that were made with good intentions. It's not about pretending that it wasn't a bad thing, more like not thinking of yourself as a terrible person for having done it. I wonder how you would feel about the manga/movie A Silent Voice? Haven't seen the movie, but I really enjoyed the manga. It's about a former bully who's dealing with a lot of guilt and self-hatred, and he tries to reconnect with the person he bullied to make ammends.
Well... I don't think of that as "evil." You didn't choose to be feel anger and hate, right? It's coming from somewhere. I don't think of feelings as good or bad outside of their effects. I mean, anger is a natural response that prompts us to look out for ourselves, it's telling you something. It's not good for you when it's causing you so many problems, but it's just a haywire response; it doesn't make you bad. I think maybe it would help if you came up with a plan to prevent yourself from hurting others if you ever ended up in that situation? Like, talking to a superior about it, or... I dunno, just having someone to talk to about it, to feel responsible to? I dunno, I feel like the best way to deal with that kind of anxiety is to do what you can about it, then try to let it go.
So you don't think you're beyond redemption, then. As for me, I believe "redemption" is... Let me put it this way: I don't believe in making up for bad deeds-- things that are wrong are wrong because they hurt us, so those behaviors should be corrected. But all people have equal worth, and so it's just as bad for the person who did it to suffer for it. Yes, it might be awkward. Yes, she might not be happy to see you. And then? It would be over. You'd probably think about it for a while, but ultimately, life goes on. It'd be the same for her. Things fade with time. If you want to avoid getting hurt... You're already hurting yourself with that fear. This is one thing I learned-- that I was doubling my suffering by worrying. Like, the worry was its own burden. I do think that worry can help you prepare, both practically and emotionally (I think that's why my dad's death wasn't as hard on me as it might have been); it might help if you could try to imagine it, come up with a plan for what you'd want to say and do. And then let it go. What I started telling myself was, "I'll deal with that if and when it happens; there's no point in making myself miserable now. If it doesn't happen, all this worry will have been for nothing." And it wasn't as easy as that at first-- the compulsion to obsess was still strong. Sometimes it still is. But when I catch myself doing that, I just keep cutting it off with that line, distract myself, do things to make myself feel better.