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flameswy
Last Activity:
Oct 28, 2019
Joined:
Dec 31, 2008
Messages:
210
Likes Received:
0
Location:
A vast white shore
Occupation:
Writing and reading.

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flameswy

Lord of Light, from A vast white shore

flameswy was last seen:
Oct 28, 2019
    1. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      Fall can't come soon enough for them >.>

      Driving sucks XD.
    2. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      It's ok, done with high school :D driving test in 2 weeks or so >.>

      I want B/W 2 NAO D:<
    3. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      It's only 3 months away ;D XD.
    4. flameswy
    5. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      lol yeah :p every 6 months.
    6. flameswy
      flameswy
    7. DarumakkaImposter
      DarumakkaImposter
      Haha, that sucks, man. Good thing they'll end soon, though. I'd love to chat at a time when you have more freedom.
    8. Kutie Pie
      Kutie Pie
      ^_^ Naw, you're not bugging me. Asking for advice isn't bugging.
    9. Kutie Pie
      Kutie Pie
      It honestly doesn't matter. Whichever tense works best for you, what comes out naturally.
    10. Kutie Pie
      Kutie Pie
      ^_^

      POV - alright then.

      Capitalization - it was more common in chapter... two/three than in the other chapters, but they're there.

      Detail - never leave out characters and their interactions. Descriptions are fine, but you can get too descriptive than needed.

      Tense - well, I noticed past tense more than with present, but the prologue had it as present tense, so you will have to go back throughout the story to fix the tense to present.

      You're welcome ^^.
    11. DarumakkaImposter
      DarumakkaImposter
      When do you get out?
    12. Kutie Pie
      Kutie Pie
      Okay, read through your story up to date. I must say, it is looking interesting, though it's still too early to tell what's going to happen. I'd like to see what happened to the other boys, though. I hope you're switching back-and-forth between them as the story goes on. If not, and you're focusing more on Finitevus, then hopefully he'll run into his brothers eventually, and we'd get their stories from them.

      Grammar and spelling still do need some work. I don't doubt you are proof-reading, but you have missed quite a lot, mostly with capitalization. You also have some issues with dialogue to the point it's hard to figure out who's who. This is why dialogue is always in their own separate paragraph, and why you also have little cues that tell us who is speaking that one line. It also helps that each character has their own way of speaking. You don't necessarily need distinct dialect, but it's the way they form their words that determine who they are. It's quite interesting how that works out.

      I'd also like to see more detail in there. You do have them here and there, but you tend to slip up on it, and that causes the scene to lose some realism. It's the same with your tenses, you tend to switch between past and present tense from time to time, you've done this since the very beginning, and it does affect the flow of the story.

      If you fix those little things I pointed out, you actually do have a story that is becoming engaging, I'd just like to see more of Finitevus' world a little bit, especially now that he is traveling with two other characters who are pretty much opposites of him (though I'd like to see more character on Trellis). You are still free to go back and edit your chapters, there's no rule that says you can't. Don't be afraid to go back and fix the mistakes.

      Keep it up.
    13. Kutie Pie
      Kutie Pie
      Naw, it's okay. I'll go ahead and take a look. I doubt you did anything wrong, but I'll know when I get there.

      I may leave something on the page, but if you want me to VM, I will.
    14. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      Name changes were in April :p next thread will be in October.
    15. DarumakkaImposter
      DarumakkaImposter
      I'm out of school, haha.
    16. Astral Shadow
      Astral Shadow
      I got it changed ._. XD.
    17. MarowLan
      MarowLan
      Cool thanks. I haven't heard of that group though. Maybe I should check them out huh? Not all of my songs are "calming" my songs tend to reflect what ever mood I'm in while I'm writing them.
    18. Blue Raja
      Blue Raja
      absolutely not...i never do anything if i can get away with it.
      What is worth worth?
      "Let's get together to fight this Holy Armageddon (One love)
      So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One song)
      Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner
      There ain't no hiding place from the Father of Creation"-Bob Marley,Curtis Mayfield
    19. MarowLan
      MarowLan
      Lol it's cool. you'll get to me when you get to me. :p
    20. DarumakkaImposter
      DarumakkaImposter
      Haha, where you been?
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  • About

    Location:
    A vast white shore
    Occupation:
    Writing and reading.
    Favourite Pokémon:
    Ninetales
    A young man stands in his respite block. Though he was given life 7.8 solar sweeps ago, it is only today you will meet him. He sourly marks that you took your sweet time finding him, but now that your here you might as well make your self welcome. His name is Sarkis, and he is a pretty refined guy.

    The young man has a wide range of interests, many of which he is happy to ramble on about with you.

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