I could start looking on YouTube; u said some of them discuss their setups, and then check with geek squad at Best Buy to see what they have. If nothing else, my brothers are tech heads who can help me with this stuff too.
It’s ok. I understand normal people have lives. Ya there’s a lot of different things out there, so I would need to research to see what would be the cheapest for example, or easiest to use, or Mac vs pc, also how to hook up consoles to be recorded.
I dunno what I could reward myself with. I know there’s online shopping but I’m supposed to also be learning to not be anxious in social areas. Also if I go to Best Buy and talk with the geek squad folks they can translate the technobabble into English so it’s easier to understand. Ya I plan to start basic then go more advanced if it works out.
Well I think I told u this before but one hung I want to do is start a let’s play channel. The thing is I don’t have a computer that I feel would be up to par so I’d have to buy one along with some recording/editing software. And even though I tell myself every weekend I’m gonna look into types of computers to see what I would need, I can’t get myself to get out and go.
This is the generation that believes there are more genders than people. This is the generation that eats tide pods and snorts condoms in their free time. This is the generation that has made it their mission to tear down all of society and history and rebuild it in their warped image. I know I’m soundling a lot like dale gribble, but if things keep going the way they are, we’re in big trouble.
And if I’m wrong then nothing happens; I’ll come out of my hole and mingle with the world, willingly even. It’ll be a great time had by all. But if I’m right then what would YOU do? Cause you severely underestimate the mentality of most millennials.
In terms of being a Prepper, about the only thing I could manage now would be stocking up on water and food; I don’t own any guns or a concealed carry permit (though I would like to), I don’t have the time or money to build a bomb shelter, and I can’t just flee to Montana on a moments notice. So lots of water and canned goods it is.
I try to explain how it’s like a generation gap; for example my mom turns 61 this year, she’s nearin retirement age, my dads been gone 2 years; her life is basically over. If something happens 30 years from now she probably won’t be alive to see it and even if she is will have her kids to fall back on so she doesn’t have to worry.
Well most of what my therapist has said in regards to coping seems to be to let go and if it happens it happens cause I spend so much time on stuff. But I can’t just let things go cause being young (relatively speaking compared to my therapist who’s like 70) a mistake will cost more then when your old and have a safety net of social security and/or adult children to fall back on.
I repeat, CRAZY doomsday prepper; I’m not talking about having 2-3 days worth of food in case *insert disaster here* keeps me from going to the store, I’m talking living in a bunker/bomb shelter and not coming out for months at a time, and when I do poke my head out basically shoot anything that moves. And America’s collapse will not be from what u mentioned; were gonna end up destroying ourselves from the inside.
Well the reason I decided to go to a therapist was to try to figure out why my depression/anxiety is a thing and try to get it put down for good. Yet almost 4 months in and I don’t feel much different than when I started. I guess just like call of duty/children’s online daycare, this will never go away so I need to accept living under a cloud or however you wanna describe it since I can’t actually beat it.
I really just feel like the worlds on borrowed time, which I think is why I have a hard time getting into things; cause why bother being excited over something when there’s a good chance u may not be able to see it through to the end? I feel like he only thing worthwhile I can do (after covering any and all debts I have) is become one of those crazy doomsday preppers, Cause I fell deep down that within our lifetime society will collapse and I encourage u and anyone else with common sense to do whatever possible to ensure you’ll have fighting chance when we hit the point of no return.
This really scares me as well with my therapist too, cause he’s probably gonna keep insisting I can’t let this run my life just like the high school thing, but if what I’m predicting comes true what choice am I really gonna have? We’re letting immature brats try to set the rules for the rest of society, we’re basically a stones throw away from mob rule, and do I even need to bring up again the 2016 election and how we almost destroyed our country then? I dunno, I just can’t do this, my inner evil wins again.
Iâ€™m sorry for yet another late reply. I dunno why it takes me so long to respond anymore, but I take this as a bit of a bad sign my depression not only isnâ€™t going away anytime soon but probably creeping back up again. Anyway, had my most recent session with the therapist on the 21st, explained how Iâ€™m looking at the high school thing (ie not gonna dwell on it but wonâ€™t forgive myself for what I did), and as expected, he insists j have to forgive myself or Iâ€™ll never be able to progress. I tried to explain that I can admit it wasnâ€™t the worst thing g ever and I wonâ€™t think about it and push it out of mind if it does pop back in mind, but again, is insistent that without forgiving myself that Iâ€™m basically gonna be stuck forever. Then I tried to focus on the next couple things on my list, which after improving self esteem, is dealing with my worry about the future once millennials are calling all the shots, and he didnâ€™t really offer much hope there, saying millennials are already calling the shots in various areas, but I just have to trust that the good people of our age group will eventually win out. In short, it wasnâ€™t a very good session imo. I told him straight out, if the snowflakes get their way (and unfortunately they WILL) that the world ainâ€™t gonna be worthwhile when Iâ€™m like 70 though I think it could be as soon as me turning 40.
The anger and hate was initaly a response to the school going out of their way to keep tabs on me and moving my schedule so I couldn’t see this girl. Now, I don’t even know anymore. It’s just default it seems. But I do consider it evil since there’s little rhyme or reason to it. Plus various thoughts I’ve had; like how 3/4 of our generation needs wiped out since we’ve allowed the gene pool to be “polluted” by millennials and now it needs cleansed of its idiocy (and I say this admitting I would probably be part of that group), or how if the death note was real I would totally pull a Kira and use it to make my own vision for the world, or how if given power I would make it a point to break the people below me. I didn’t think this way before all this. The incident in high school showed me what I was really capable of (and not in a good way), but the evil hasn’t taken me fully. The only solution is to go in hiding and stay away from the world. It’s the only way to be sure. This is part of why I wanna be a machine basically; machines only do what they’re told, they can’t act on their own.
Well donâ€™t get too excited; Iâ€™m still too much of a wuss to talk to women and even just talking to people in general is a chore. Iâ€™ve been this way for so long, itâ€™s not something u can shake overnight. Plus my therapist will probably say that withou forgiving myself no progress can be made. To me forgiveness basically means giving the person a pass on what they did. Think of it like this; your driving and you skid off the road and crash into another car killing the other driver. Obviously you didnâ€™t intend to kill them but your still gonna be charged with involuntary manslaughter. The difference being instead of serving 25 to life, U may just get 10 years probation. It doesnâ€™t matter if it was unintentional, it doesnâ€™t matter the reason; wrong is still wrong. Being an accident may get u a lighter sentence, but youâ€™ll still be punished. That sounds like an abridged version of My Name is Earl. If youâ€™ve not seen the show, earl carries around a list of people heâ€™s mistreated in the past, and so to get good karma or whatever he goes through his list to find these people and make amends for his past mistakes. In my case though Iâ€™m not gonna track this girl down just to apologize when sheâ€™s likely long since moved on. For one I donâ€™t wanna make it seem like Iâ€™ve been stalking her online in the 12 years since graduation, and two, I just wanna put this behind me already.
Sorry for be late reply. But I had my recent appt with the therapist on the 28th, where we kinda went back to trying to go out more and talk with people more, and we did get back to the high school incident, and he basically says I need to just let it go and forgive myself for what I did. Now, I can agree to not think about it and put it out of mind, I can agree it’s not the worst thing ever, I’ll even agree to stop using it as an excuse to not talk to women. But forgiving myself I just can’t do. You can’t excuse bad behavior or it’ll keep happening. He tried to argue that I didn’t do it with evil intentions in mind; my thoughts were pure (relatively speaking) but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
So I think this is as close as I’ll get to being “over it” but one other thing still remains I haven’t figured out yet; my anger/hate for everything. You said I don’t trust myself to have self control of my feelings right? Well that’s somewhat true, but not for the reason you’re thinking. It’s the fact that even long after all this I still feel the evil in me and I worry about what would happen if it took over instead of feelings of love or whatever. If I acquired power on some level ( like being promoted to a supervisor) I couldnt trust myself not to be abusive with that authority, however small it may be. And being in a relationship, you do give (for better or worse) your partner some degree of power over you and vice versa. I try to be a good person, but I still feel like there’s evil in me that if let out, could cause lots of problems. So my being reclusive isn’t so much protecting myself from the world, it’s portecting the world from myself to some extent. That’s probably where I’m gonna have to turn things next session.
Regardless sure your happy to hear how I’m not gonna latch onto this anymore, even if I can’t forgive myself for what I did. If only my other problems were that easy. What do u think?