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flameswy
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  • ^_^

    POV - alright then.

    Capitalization - it was more common in chapter... two/three than in the other chapters, but they're there.

    Detail - never leave out characters and their interactions. Descriptions are fine, but you can get too descriptive than needed.

    Tense - well, I noticed past tense more than with present, but the prologue had it as present tense, so you will have to go back throughout the story to fix the tense to present.

    You're welcome ^^.
    Okay, read through your story up to date. I must say, it is looking interesting, though it's still too early to tell what's going to happen. I'd like to see what happened to the other boys, though. I hope you're switching back-and-forth between them as the story goes on. If not, and you're focusing more on Finitevus, then hopefully he'll run into his brothers eventually, and we'd get their stories from them.

    Grammar and spelling still do need some work. I don't doubt you are proof-reading, but you have missed quite a lot, mostly with capitalization. You also have some issues with dialogue to the point it's hard to figure out who's who. This is why dialogue is always in their own separate paragraph, and why you also have little cues that tell us who is speaking that one line. It also helps that each character has their own way of speaking. You don't necessarily need distinct dialect, but it's the way they form their words that determine who they are. It's quite interesting how that works out.

    I'd also like to see more detail in there. You do have them here and there, but you tend to slip up on it, and that causes the scene to lose some realism. It's the same with your tenses, you tend to switch between past and present tense from time to time, you've done this since the very beginning, and it does affect the flow of the story.

    If you fix those little things I pointed out, you actually do have a story that is becoming engaging, I'd just like to see more of Finitevus' world a little bit, especially now that he is traveling with two other characters who are pretty much opposites of him (though I'd like to see more character on Trellis). You are still free to go back and edit your chapters, there's no rule that says you can't. Don't be afraid to go back and fix the mistakes.

    Keep it up.
    Naw, it's okay. I'll go ahead and take a look. I doubt you did anything wrong, but I'll know when I get there.

    I may leave something on the page, but if you want me to VM, I will.
    Cool thanks. I haven't heard of that group though. Maybe I should check them out huh? Not all of my songs are "calming" my songs tend to reflect what ever mood I'm in while I'm writing them.
    absolutely not...i never do anything if i can get away with it.
    What is worth worth?
    "Let's get together to fight this Holy Armageddon (One love)
    So when the Man comes there will be no, no doom (One song)
    Have pity on those whose chances grow thinner
    There ain't no hiding place from the Father of Creation"-Bob Marley,Curtis Mayfield
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