(VM 2 of 2.)
Moreover, some of the prose was just a bit over-the-top. You've taken down the newer version of the fic. Because of that, I can't pull any specific examples, but when I said you should try writing the way you speak, it was because your writing became so flowery it was almost unnatural. This was a battle, and you were breaking out synonyms for "pooling" instead of focusing on describing what was going on. (Note: Again, because I can't offer up specific examples, I'm not saying you were literally breaking out synonyms specifically for pooling. However, that is what it felt like you were doing.) If you were writing a parody of high-brow literature, it would be acceptable to focus on making the battle look as much like a still work of art as possible, but battles are meant to be dynamic. Things happen quickly, so you can't spend a paragraph describing the way the darkness is spreading.
In short, this is less about showing versus telling and really more about whether or not your prose is actually getting in the way of your ability to tell a story. My whole point was it felt like you were focusing a lot on trying to impress a reader with your images, but in the process, you wound up drowning out your story with it.
Hopefully, some of this makes sense/helps you out. Let me know if it's still a bit foggy, though.