Hakajin

I know it probably doesn't mean much after how long I took, but I'm finally all caught up. All the reviews are finished.

If you figure out why it escalated let me know, cause despite thinking about it on and off for 12-13 years now I got nothing. I dunno what emotions needs a 16 yr old boy would have, though. Oh I did speak to counselors; 3 in fact; one being my Norma school counselor, the second being kind of special needs counselor( I guess aspergers counts as special needs even though I always felt like the odd one out), and there was one outside school I talked to. I was messed up and honestly I feel they should e just sent me to a psych ward and be done with me, would e made their lives much easier. I’m down on myself so I never make the same mistake again. Ya everyone makes mistakes, when I make a HUGE mistake like this, I tell myself “never again” and keep it at the back of my mind so I don’t forget it. Same with Pokémon; after that blew up in my face with gotta catch ya later, I told myself I would never chase the new fad again, which is why I have little to no knowledge of what’s going on in the world for roughly 15 years. Those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it, therefore, never forgive and never forget.

Well all taking was face to face until the invention of the phone. Fast forward another 90 years and the phone is replaced with internet/text maessaging. The problem here is technology is growing faster than humans can keep up so we haven’t had a chance to “evolve” so to speak to where text replaces talking. That’s why the social skills of people who only communicate through Facebook is so bad.

I DO focus on things I enjoy; when I’m not at work I’m basically at home playing Skyrim and/or watching videos on YouTube. Yes with Vader he’s not the villain, he’s the victim; Palpatine is really the one behind everything, Vader just allows himself to becomes his pawn. But I fell if I were able to catch this stuff earlier I could’ve avoidied a lot of grief. Ya I’m pretty sure my unconscious mind was trying to send me signals, but my conscious mind wouldn’t allow it, or vice versa.

I like how you’re so casual about what I did. “Oh you stalked a girl, no biggie.” Ya no one got hurt (physically at least) and yeah I’m probably the only one involved who still thinks about it, but it’s still something I have to think about considering how close I came to going beyond redemption. Plus there’s still a potential for awkwardness if I ever bumped into anyone from HS again (whether at a reunion that I wouldn’t go to anyway or out and about town), and my presence reminds them of that. Like say I ran into her again somewhere, and triggered the memories from then.

In my last session I finally told my therapist about what happened in HS, or rather what I can remember from it, and how it’s been something I thought about ever since. And even though he’s trying to play devils advocate by saying I was just a teen at the time and had no idea what I was doing (and therefore shouldn’t let this run my life) I don’t exactly buy it; yes I was only 16-17 at the time, and yeah I had no clue what I was doing, but still it happened. Teens start having strong feelings all the time, but how many of them escalated like this? To the point where the school felt the need to step in to monitor the situation? I’m sure if you talked to most teens, they’ll go on about talking to a teacher/counselor/coach about having feelings for so-and-so and what they should do, and most the time the adults give their 2 cents and just let the situation play out. In my situation, they felt I was a danger so school officials had to something so they changed my class schedule around and probably had my teachers keeping tabs on me making sure I was where they wanted me to be. So yeah, lots of guilt over how the school had to go out of their way to keep an eye on me, how everything around me was falling apart (for example quitting the bowling team I was on and my gpa slipping from roughly 3.0 to 1.02 or even less than that), and all the grief I probably caused that poor girl who was probably looking over her shoulder 24/7 thanks to me. We didn’t get to everything yet, though. My next session is feb 28, where were probably gonna continue with this, as he was insistent that I need to let go of this so I can live my life. I doubt I can though. I consider myself a broken man. I’ll let u know how it goes.

When he said one dimensional, he means it’s nit a substitute for face to face interactions, and how people today (especially young people) don’t know how to communicate outside of Facebook. Which I have to agree with; the only reason I can talk with u is cause it’s through text. If we were to meet in person I would be too terrified to even say hello.

The state I’m in feels permanent; after all I’ve been carrying this stuff for over 10 years; what’s another 30-35 at this point? Emotionless ness isn’t a stepping stone; it’s my goal. Yeah I wouldn’t really feel good but I wouldn’t feel bad either. I sympathize a lot with Vader; his reason for turning to the dark side and my thing in high school stem from the same thing; falling in love and being unable to deal the emotions that come with it. If you watch the prequel trilogy of Star Wars ( ep 2 and 3 especially), you’ll see how anakin skywalker starts off as a idealistic young boy in ep1, to becoming an ambitious (and arrogant) Jedi in ep2, struggling to find balance between the restrictions being a Jedi puts on him and his feelings for padme, to his life going off the rails in ep3, where his emotions get the better of him and he ends up becoming darth Vader losing everything he had in the process. Even sadder for me is revenge of the sith (aka ep3) came out in 2005 smack in the middle of my problem in high school, so red flags should’ve been going off in my head saying “hey, cut the crap your doing or you’ll end up like anakin†but it wasn’t until sometime after HS I could fully connect the dots. Finally there’s a bunch of expanded universe comics and novels that go into how in his free time Vader spent it thinking about how much he messed up; it was his fault that the Jedi order collapsed, it was his fault his wife was dead, it was his fault he was now half man and half machine. Everything was his fault and he hated himself for all he had done.

Oh, don’t worry; the moment I feel overwhelmed, I’ll be leaving and not looking back, assuming I go in the first place. I did also mention about talking to people online, and my idea for a let’s play channel, which he says are good stepping stones, are also “one dimensional” so I shouldn’t rely on it too much. Breath of the wild is also on Wii U if u hav what, though it’ll probably be very hard to come by for that version.

Right.in terms of emotionless ness, I’d say I’m already a third of the way there; my medication sometimes does a good job of that, and also when I’m home, I don’t feel too much either. But it’s stepping outside, for work or whatever else, where I worry about my emotions. And even at home sometimes, I still feel anger and hate toward myself. Lots of anger and hate about the decisions I made that made me what I am now, cause it didn’t have to be this way, but what’s done is done. I identify a lot with darth Vader in that regard; most people see Vader as the embodiment of all evil, but if you look into his backstory, you’d find he’s really a broken man. Always hating himself for what he did that turned him from anakin skywlaker into darth Vader. Imagining what his life could’ve been had he not fallen to the dark side. This is a lot like how I’ve felr for the last 12-15 years. This has been going on basically half my life, so I know it’s gonna take awhile to overcome, if I even can overcome it. I want to embrace the light, without feeling the constant pull from the dark. I wish I knew how to explain it more simple so my therapist might understand easier or without sounding crazy. Hopefully my next appt isn’t still harping on about getting our more, cause while I’m trying and thinking about it, there’s been very little progress with that so far, and I dunno what just talking about it can do.

That’s where we are right now is talking about my reclusiveness. He’s told me I need to try to strike up small conversations with people, like talk to co-workers more, have a 30-45 second chat with the cashier at the store, just get out if the house and do something. Apparently there’s a comic con going on in my area in April that he said he got a email about. Even though the therapist isn’t interested he thinks it would be good for a nerd like myself and that I should consider going, but I dunno. I’ve never gone to a con before, and even a small one I worry could be overwhelming. I really need to go back i my discussion of emotions with him. I have so much hate and anger in me. Recently I’m finding myself stewing in my inner darkness, which I’m certain I would need to address before I can do anything. And we haven’t even gotten to my fear of women, which when we get to it I’m gonna have to tell him to scrap it. I dunno why I even put that on my list.

I’m not really into tv anymore; haven’t been since about 2011. As for games, I’ve been playing lots of Skyrim recently, and Pokémon Crystal recently came out on the 3ds shop, but I’ve not put much into that. I want to get Mario kart 8 deluxe and Zelda breath of the wild, though. Any tv/games your into lately?

I know hearing me say this probably upsets u, but I really believe that being like a machine, with no feeling whatsoever, is the best hope I can have to an acceptable life. I mean how many times have u had something go wrong cause your emotions get the better of u? We’ve all had that problem at some point. It’s not really the judgment I’m concerned with, it’s the fact such a thing might be considered harmful. I mean, doctors are required to keep discussions between patients secret, but if u say your gonna kill yourself or someone else, they MUST get someone else involved. Or when t comes to surgery, doctors are very hesitant to do so, only using it as a final resort to solve a problem due to the pain felt during recovery, and in extreme cases the patient dies from complications of surgery. You could say it’s apples and bananas, but the point is the same; a doctor is supposed to avoid causing pain whenever possible. My main concern is either the doctor saying he can’t in good conscience help with that or that there’s simply no way to do it. The furthest I’ve got with this issue so far is explaining to be less emotional whenever my emotions do flare up cause once they get going it’s very hard to stop hem.

You're welcome ^_^

Happy birthday

[Happy birthday]

Well I feel emotions are humanity’s biggest flaw, and I do think I would be better off overall without them, the thing is even though I’m paying the therapist for his services, and he said he can even work with my regular doctor if needed, i Worry he might consider something like this unethical, and thus refuse to help me with it. I don’t even know if the sessions ive had so far are even helping. It’s very hard for me to be open with people. I can do it online cause I’m not using my real name/face/etc. but irl it’s so much harder,even though in therapy the goal is to help and they can’t tell people about what we discuss.

Well if talking about politics stresses u out, I’ll stop. What would u like to talk about instead?

Do I think trump will be an okay president? I do. Do I think he’ll be the next JFK or Ronald Reagan? No, not really. But that doesn’t mean he’s gonna destroy the country either; I mean we’ve had 45 presidents, yet only about 7 or 8 of them that people would universally agree were “great.” JFK and Reagan get held in high regard for a reason. Some presidents are terrible, some are just okay, but the media rush and call trump the worst president ever before he’s finished one year in office is a bit extreme. I mean people on the right weren’t exactly thrilled when Obama’s won in 08 and even less so in 2012, but I never saw frustration with Obama’s boil over like this, and if it did the media would’ve defenitey reported it 24/7/365. When talking about the govt, u need to assume there’s stuff behind the scenes we don’t know about. And I believe they have technology that has at least a 70%chance of intercepting and taking down a nuke before it hits the ground. Honestly though, given our dependence on technology, an EMP knocking out the power grid would do way more damage than any single nuke could. Without our phones and internet, people wouldn’t know how to cope with the situation and mass panic would ensue.

Even if trump inherited his business, his father still had to assume the risks to get it ther in the first place. Yeah not the best example, but still. I want to believe that, but I’m very cynical, plus the media is out for blood when it comes to trump, and they won’t stop until they get it. If people are saying this, then imo it means one of two things; either people feel more confident in talking against Obama’s now that he’s out of office (and this won’t send the govt/media after them), or the economy is getting better and they’re trying to give the credit to obama. Do you have any videos or links of this? Not that I don’t trust you; it’s just throughout Obama’s time in office, I recall it being 8 straight years of the media kissing his ring and building him up as a god of sorts. Not that I want the media to do the same with trump, but over 90% negative coverage? Even bush 43 didn’t get it that bad.

The main problem with sjws is they’re going about fixing society backwards; trying to start at the top of the hierarchy of needs, when we still haven’t satisfied the bottom parts, which on a societal level the bottom layer would be things like a stable economy, stable population growth, and protection from outside threats, then from there the next level is weeding out interna problems, namely corrupt politicians who abuse the system to their benefit and fixing it so it’s much harder to do (ie term limits on Congress just like the president), then we can effectively look at reforming things like welfare, social security, etc., and then finally we can easily focus on the types of things sjws want to reach self actualization. The problem isn’t so much most people don’t care about these things; it’s that there’s so much else that takes higher priority (such as food and shelter) that most people don’t have time to worry about it. Yet the snowflakes insist that this is what must be done first cause they’re on the “right side of history.”. The time will come for these things, but America NEEDS to get back on its feet first before we can have any chance of doing anything.

Milennials do cause more damage as thanks to social media, the court of public opinion is staring to supersede the court of law. In the court of law one is innocent until proven guilty, in the court of public opinion if people say your guilty then your guilty regardless of evidence saying otherwise. Did u not watch the vid I sent u? True these things aren’t in a vacuum, but they’re in a bubble, as Sargon explained; a bubble they’ve been in for so long they don't know anything else. And the fact that on social media that u can simply block/report anyone meansexho chambers form, more so than ever before. Well yeah the very rich have always had priorities mixed up but in Current Year, so do the snowflakes. Yeah they may not be rich, but they’re still well off enough (compared to third world countries) that they have too much time on their hands, hence all Thai activism for things that have already been won, like complain for equal pay when that’s been in effect since 1963, but apparently they don’t know that.

Trust me; EVERYONE can be bought. Some are easier to buy than others, some hav ediffrent incentives, but with the right offer you can make someone do whatever u want. The question then is how high they’re willing to go? Regular schmucks like us could proabably be bought for very little, whereas someone like bill gates (being worth billliins) would cost a lot more to the point it’s not worth it. I don’t understand what u mean by “quality of lifeâ€. I don’t understand how one can be happy by being told they must accept that there’s 110237 genders (and the countless made up pronouns that go with it) with new ones added every second, that they must accept the idea that those who disagree with u are pure evil that must be destroyed, that you must accept that the country will adapt to immigrants instead of immigrants adapting to the country. That’s the kind of crap that flies in Canada. Yet people would still rather come to America, despite it being a “white cis-Herero normative patriarchy†or whatever the buzzword of the day is. I’m am sorry, I just don’t understand how Canada can be better for people given all the crap i heat about that goes on up there. Explain please.

It’s ok; I understand Normal people have lives. Anyway my therapist seemed to like my idea of a list, and told me to list in order things to tackle, which I did, putting my emotions at number 1, cause with no emotion the rest of the list would be easier to tackle imo but I dunno how to explain my desire to be basically an emotionless machine. second was low self esteem, 3 being fat, 4 poor social skills, 5 my hiding from the world, 6 my disgust for milennials, 7 dealing with all the negative news out there, 8 having a lazy attitude, 9 my having never moved out in my own, and last and most certainly least, my fear of women, something that even with therapy I highly doubt I can overcome. He also said I should try to get some kind of social connection to people since venting he thinks might help me. My next appt is the 24th, wish me well.

The point I’m trying to make is people who have to work for a living don’t act like this. But those who are on welfare can often be better off than those ho work, and can be well off to an extent. Yes reality is rough, but to these types of people reality is simply a “social construct†designed to oppress minorities rather than simply the way of the world. Yes scaling welder is an example of welfare reform, but like all govt programs, it’s a sacred cow that must NEVER be altered by anyone anywhere anytime for any reason. Even though welfare in its current form clearly doesn’t work, if u want to change it then that means you don’t care about poor people, even though many on welfare are stuck and can’t get out and the purpose of reforming welfare is to help them get out of it. Progressive doesn’t automatically equal good though, especially in its current form where it’s all about fulfilling quotas (ie black people being roughly 13% of the population therefore should be 13% in EVERYTHING) rather than having the best people for the job regardless of race, gender, etc.

For my list I have in negatives things like being fat, not being able to talk to women, and my hatred of millennials. on my positives list I have graduating college, trying to save for student loans, and helping my mom wherever needed. I ask made a third list for things neutral/not sure about, which includes my siblings, my idea for a let’s play channel online, and my many ponderings. My appts on the 9th so we’ll know then how it goes.

I worry about these people cause as more time passes they become less the exception and more the rule. Like the welfare programs, it’s not really about helping people out of poverty, it’s about keeping people dependent so they can’t think for themselves. They get more on welfare then working so there’s no reason to get off it, plus most on welfare only know what they get told, either by parents/grandparents who lived on welfare or govt people who tell them what they want hem to believe. Milennials are broke, both financially and morally. If your not familiar with Sargon of Akkad on YouTube, u should look up his stuff as it would give u an idea where I’m coming from with my viewpoint, and he goes into more detail about it than I can. Here’s a link for his this year in stupid 2017. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=AvrPD6MKF38

You can’t prevent it; everyone has their price and if you offer the right incentive people will do whatever u want them to. That’s part of the human condition; u may think “oh, I could never do xyz†but if someone offers u enough, you’ll do it.

Canada is being led by a cucked soyboy who toes the line of social justice. By 2030 their country will collapse, and they’ll cheer it, cause they don’t know any better. They say ignorance is bliss, but Canada takes it too far.

This is what I call the “billy Joel defense”; we didn’t start the fire, it was always burning since the worlds been turning, and while millennial s didn’t light it, they also have given up trying to fight it. Yes this has been a trend for thousands of years, but in current year, we’ve built a bubble wherein there are no consequences for acting like an idiot. In gnerations past, people would openly shun u, or your actions would result in injury or death, but now, all that is eliminated. That’s why u have people as old as 40 acting like children; cause any incentives o grow up and /or punishments for not growing up of yesteryear are gone.

That’s why trump was elected; cause he’s not a government person. Well I suppose he technically is now, but unlike Hillary, who spent the last 35-40 years in politics, trump spent the last 35-40 years in business, which unlike govt where u can just blame everything on the prev admin, in business it’s all on you. If u succeed or fail, it’s your fault and there no one to blame but you.i wish I knew the media u see cause from what I’ve seen, particularly in the last 10-12 years and ESPECIALLY since trump won the election, the media has gone full circling the wagons for the left. ANY opposition to what the left says(again even if justifiable even if very minor even trying to do the compliment sandwich of good bad good) gets you branded a racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic bigot full of hate and evil. Even if rocket man launched a nuke I’m pretty sure American forces in the area (which again have been in parts o Asia since the end of ww2) can detect it, shoot it down, and launch a counter strike before a second nuke could even be considered by North Korea. So don’t worry your pretty little head over it.