So you don't think you're beyond redemption, then. As for me, I believe "redemption" is... Let me put it this way: I don't believe in making up for bad deeds-- things that are wrong are wrong because they hurt us, so those behaviors should be corrected. But all people have equal worth, and so it's just as bad for the person who did it to suffer for it. Yes, it might be awkward. Yes, she might not be happy to see you. And then? It would be over. You'd probably think about it for a while, but ultimately, life goes on. It'd be the same for her. Things fade with time. If you want to avoid getting hurt... You're already hurting yourself with that fear. This is one thing I learned-- that I was doubling my suffering by worrying. Like, the worry was its own burden. I do think that worry can help you prepare, both practically and emotionally (I think that's why my dad's death wasn't as hard on me as it might have been); it might help if you could try to imagine it, come up with a plan for what you'd want to say and do. And then let it go. What I started telling myself was, "I'll deal with that if and when it happens; there's no point in making myself miserable now. If it doesn't happen, all this worry will have been for nothing." And it wasn't as easy as that at first-- the compulsion to obsess was still strong. Sometimes it still is. But when I catch myself doing that, I just keep cutting it off with that line, distract myself, do things to make myself feel better.