• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

A Call for Heroes [Pg-13]

Starter530

Yes I use MS paint
Rated PG-13 for Language
Please post crit, comments, suggestions etc.

Chapter 1:
Long, long ago, there was a group of legendary warriors. They were said to have elemental powers the source of which were many mystical stones. Without these stones, they would cease to be warriors. Some developed bonds so strong with their gem if they were to lose the gem, they would perish. These gems were locked away after restoring justice to the Earth, never to be used again. Now, they are needed. A great sorcerer is recruiting warriors and magicians to aid him in his conquest of the world, new heroes are needed. Should they choose to walk the path of light, or fade into darkness is their choice.
“CAMERON! Wake up! You’ve been sleeping all day let’s go out and do something!” Cameron woke up with a jolt and looked around. He was still in his cluttered room, nothing out of place. One of his friends, Michelle, had let herself in and was standing above him. “Good, you’re up. Now go get showered. Today we can go through the forest.” Oh what great fun, I’d rather just sit at home and play video games. Groggily he stood up and headed for the bathroom, once inside he stripped down and felt the warm water pouring onto his body.
Then suddenly he felt a cold rush of air, and heard a woman’s voice say, It, is time. Cameron looked around to see if he was going crazy, and concluded yes he was. He got out of the shower and toweled off Michelle was sitting at his desk impatiently waiting.
“God, you take long showers, come on.” Michelle took hold of Cameron’s wrist and rushed out of the door. She looked him over and realized. He was still in his towel. “Go change,” she said as they both blushed. Cameron came out about five minutes later, wearing his favorite T-shirt, some jeans, and his leather jacket. Michelle led him out of his house.
Cameron had known Michelle for over ten years, they were inseparable. Michelle was short. She had medium toned skin, and long black hair with light brown streaks in it. She is very down-to-earth and the best friend you could ever have. Cameron had always had a feeling for her. Though he did like other girls, he didn’t think that anyone would take her place in his heart.
They came to the edge of the forest and saw that Michael, Greg, Evan, Katy, Kayla, and Heidi were there waiting for them there. “C’mon,” Michael was Cameron’s best friend, he was obnoxious, he was cool, and he was fun to be around. “Let’s go find out what’s around this forest.
-----------------
Yeah I know, short first chapter. This is based on an RP, that me and my friends did 3 years ago. (It was on paper lol) It wil get very interesting and it is an emotionally intact fic.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
First of SPACING

Starter530 said:
Chapter 1:

Long, long ago, there was a group of legendary warriors. They were said to have elemental powers the source of which were many mystical stones. Without these stones, they would cease to be warriors. Some developed bonds so strong with their gem if they were to lose the gem, they would perish. These gems were locked away after restoring justice to the Earth, never to be used again. Now, they are needed. A great sorcerer is recruiting warriors and magicians to aid him in his conquest of the world, new heroes are needed. Should they choose to walk the path of light, or fade into darkness is their choice.

“CAMERON! Wake up! You’ve been sleeping all day let’s go out and do something!” Cameron woke up with a jolt and looked around. He was still in his cluttered room, nothing out of place. One of his friends, Michelle, had let herself in and was standing above him. “Good, you’re up. Now go get showered. Today we can go through the forest.” Oh what great fun, I’d rather just sit at home and play video games. Groggily he stood up and headed for the bathroom, once inside he stripped down and felt the warm water pouring onto his body.

Then suddenly he felt a cold rush of air, and heard a woman’s voice say, It, is time. Cameron looked around to see if he was going crazy, and concluded yes he was. He got out of the shower and toweled off Michelle was sitting at his desk impatiently waiting.

“God, you take long showers, come on.” Michelle took hold of Cameron’s wrist and rushed out of the door. She looked him over and realized. He was still in his towel. “Go change,” she said as they both blushed. Cameron came out about five minutes later, wearing his favorite T-shirt, some jeans, and his leather jacket. Michelle led him out of his house.

Cameron had known Michelle for over ten years, they were inseparable. Michelle was short. She had medium toned skin, and long black hair with light brown streaks in it. She is very down-to-earth and the best friend you could ever have. Cameron had always had a feeling for her. Though he did like other girls, he didn’t think that anyone would take her place in his heart.

They came to the edge of the forest and saw that Michael, Greg, Evan, Katy, Kayla, and Heidi were there waiting for them there. “C’mon,” Michael was Cameron’s best friend, he was obnoxious, he was cool, and he was fun to be around. “Let’s go find out what’s around this forest.

This probably would have been done better as a prologue, to allow you to escape with such shortness for a first chapter.

Next up, the first paragraph could have done better, stretched out and etc for a prologue, instead of an introduction paragraph, as it doesn't seem to fit the chapter as it goes right into the story, instead of explaining more about what you're talking about.

Overall, it feels rushed and well, eh-ish :/ it looks like it might be interesting buuut, I get the feeling of overhead dread it's gonna be cliche and or rushed over the next few chapters.
 

Ledian_X

Don Ledianni
Sorry to say but, I believe this story's premise has been seen before in this story:

http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=90567

It has the same basic idea as yours. Stones that provide elemental powers and the like.

Other than that, the prologue seems too short and rushed. Welcome to the world of supercharacter writing. You have to be very careful as to not copy others' works around here as a rule for all fics.

LX
 

Starter530

Yes I use MS paint
Well this was based offof an RP that me andmy friends did 3 years ago. And I had no idea that there was another like it. So forgive me for that

I know, chapter 1 is more of a prologue than a chapter and it is rushed
chapter 2 is just as rushed but is a little more interesting. post if you want to see it.
 
Top