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A commander's journey to a new region [PG]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by はるひ, Oct 9, 2012.

  1. Rating: PG for cursing, Poke violence
    Fandom: Pokemon
    Characters/Parings: Jupiter, OCs
    Genre: Adventure, Friendship
    Status: on going
    By: Gothitelle K
    Comments: I kinda redid this chapter so that's why I'm attempting to post this again. It's supposed to be a short journey fic leaving the character unsure what path she wants to take. I used Jupiter as my main character because of the events in the D/P/pl game where she said that same line in the start. To be clear, this story takes place right after the events of the games. So this is two years before my other fics. She's 21 in my present fics but in this one, she's 19.

    What should I do now? Is leaving on a journey the right idea?

    Those words played in her head as the girl stood outside Stark Mountain. Pieces of ash were raining everywhere as the warm wind was blowing through her hair. She was a young woman who looked to be nineteen years old. She had her pink hair done in a distinctive style with it being tied in two parts. She was also wearing a white skintight, one-pieced uniform and the yellow G emblem on the corner. It was missing a pant leg as her left leg was covered but her right one was exposed and had a garter-like belt. With her height and features, most people would ask if she were a model. She was indeed a gorgeous girl.

    She was holding her Pokemon, a purple and white skunk, in her arms while she was trying to get to the nearest Poke Center. Her skuntank just laid in her arms, limp and weak as the girl kept petting her along the way. Down the slopes and rocky roads she went and she went quietly, careful not to walk in front of any eager trainers fishing for a battle. The further away she was from Stark Mountain less the girl saw the falling ashes, and when she finally reached the long flight of stairs leading up and down the mountain side, the ashes stopped falling completely. She was almost to the Resort Area. The girl was so close, she could taste it.

    “Don’t worry, we are almost there,” she said to her Pokemon calmly as she began to run the rest of the path.

    The girl ran through the short but sharp blades of grass as she was trying to avoid any wild Pokemon that could jump out and attack her. ‘Damn, I wish I had something to where I would go into the grass and not worry about dodging Pokemon!’ she thought as swerved left and right in the grass. Not only were there Pokemon she had to avoid, but she was trying to avoid the other trainers as well. Many young kids were standing around looking for Pokemon while others were engaging in battles with other passerby trainers. Since all of her Pokemon fainted, there really was no use for her to battle. Plus, she didn’t want to waste her energy battling others.

    Along the path, palm trees started to turn up. Golf course grass also followed as the girl started to see a huge battling area turn up. People were just standing around and some were going in and out of the gates to the Frontier. She was in the Resort Area and she was elated when she came up to a red building that bared a Poke ball design on the top. She ran to the building as a couple of trainers were entering through the center’s automatic doors. While the doors were still open, the girl ran straight inside before they’d close on her.

    Inside the building, the air conditioning was just right as the room temperature air hit her skin. The girl almost had goose bumps as she just stood there to close her eyes. The air inside was quite refreshing as people would say about the Poke Center. It wasn’t long before the young woman opened her eyes and saw that there were three other trainers ahead of her at the healing desk. Upon seeing that, she lets out a heavy sigh as she approached the teenaged boy that was in front of her and waited. While she waited and cuddled her Pokemon, her eyes scanned all around the building. On her left was a row of ten blue PCs for any trainer to use and on her right was a bunch of tables for people to lounge around. Before she could turn around to see what was behind her…

    “”Hey!” a guy’s voice said as he tapped the girls arm.

    “Eh? What do you want?” The girl asked in an annoyed tone when she saw the school kid.

    “Wanna go ahead of me? The person in front of me is just about done and well since you only have one Pokemon, you can go ahead,” the boy said as he stepped side to let the girl go through. “Come on! Ladies first!”

    The girl just smiled at him as she just went in front of him to the front desk. At the front desk, a cheery lady with long light pink hair and a dark pink nurse’s dress just smiled at the girl as she was getting ready to ask her usual question.

    “Hello, and welcome to the Pokemon Center!” the cheery woman exclaimed. “We restore your tired Pokemon to full health. Would you like to rest your Pokemon?”

    What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I’m here to heal my damn Pokemon! Why else would I run to the Poke Center with a fainted skuntank in my arms?!” thought the young woman as she nodded yes.

    “Okay, I’ll take your Pokemon for a few seconds,” the nurse said.

    The girl reached into her bag and grabbed three Poke balls. She handed two of them to the healer as she took the empty on and held it on top of her fainted Pokemon. She pressed the white button in the middle and a red light came out, engulfing the skunk Pokemon as she went back into her Poke ball. After that, the girl gave the remaining Poke ball to the nurse as she puts them in a special rectangular machine. She puts the balls in the corresponding holes as she closed the clear lid to the machine and pressed the green button. A yellow light flashed as a ringing sound could be heard. The light flashed four times before the lady finally opened the lid and removed the Poke balls from the machine. She gave the girl her Poke balls back as gave her a big smile.

    “Thank you for waiting. We’ve restored your Pokemon back to health,” the cheery lady said. “We hope to see you again.”

    The woman nodded as she headed towards the door. Before she could exit, she grabbed her Poke ball and pressed the white button in the middle. A white light came bursting from her ball as that same purple skunk Pokemon she was holding in her arms emerged. This time, she was fully energized as she happily wagged her bushy tail and leaped onto her owner’s arms.

    “Skuntank! You’re better!” the young woman exclaimed as she smiled. “Now let’s get out of here...”

    As the girl went through the automatic doors, she stood outside looking around at the scenery. She was unsure... unsure of what to do now as she just stared at the sun. She was leaving behind a team which she had joined when she was seventeen and now was an ordinary girl. ‘Even though I lost to that girl many times, Team Galactic was what I knew at the time. It’s going to be different without them, especially without the boss and my friend...’ the young woman thought as her pink eyes started to water. She puts down her skuntank as she quickly wiped her tears away. ‘At the same time though, it’s kinda best to split from the team, especially since we are just going to get knocked down by that Silver girl. Besides, maybe a journey would be good for me. Kids say that they learn alot about themselves on these journeys. Maybe I’ll learn about myself as well...’

    While she looked around, the girl spotted a nearby small white bench by the Resort entrance. She walked toward the bench as she sifted through her bag. Once she sat down, she found her P-phone and started looking through the list of contacts. She then pressed the option that said “mom” and held the phone up to her ear, hoping to get an answer. She rests her head on her arm as she listened to the drawn out ringer. Then, someone answered ‘hello’ on the other line and when that happened, the girl took a deep breath as she began to speak.

    “Mom... it’s me, Jupiter...” the girl said in a depressed tone.

    “Jupiter? It’s been so long!” the woman on the other line exclaimed. “How is everything? How is your team doing?”

    Jupiter lets out a heavy sigh as she started to explain. “I quit Team Galactic. So I’m heading off to do my own thing and I was wondering... can I stay with you for a few until I figure out where I want to go from there?”

    A short pause lingered for a few seconds before the woman began to answer. “O-of course you can... We can talk about everything else later but of course you can stay. Do you know where Nacrene City is located?”

    “No. I’ve never heard of it and I know every city in this region,” Jupiter responded as she looked at her town map.

    A short pause appeared again as the girl was scanning for a second time on her map with no cigar.

    “Hm. You’re still in the Sinnoh region then. How does traveling to a whole new region sound to you?”

    Jupiter dropped her phone in shock as her eyes widened. When she picked up her phone, she could barely speak. She didn’t know what to say at the moment. Not only was she leaving the team she’s known, but she’s also leaving the region she’s known as well, and to a place she had no clue about. ‘I’d like to go on a journey but... a new region? With new Pokemon, new cities, new team, new everything?’ The thought of moving made tears come to her eyes. While change was good, this also meant that she would make new friends and there was only one person on her team who she got along with pretty well. ‘Will I actually learn more about myself in a different setting or in the same old setting I’ve known my whole life?’ Jupiter thought as she sat there, shocked.
  2. Ememew

    Ememew Emerald Mew

    This is the one you asked me to look at, right?
    . This is a quote she actually said in the game, right? So why are the words playing in her head now? Is she thinking over what prompted her to say it? Is she having second thoughts? You might want to make that clear.

    Also, you can avoid the girl/woman thing you seem so resistant to by just saying “The words played in her head as she stood outside Stark Mountain.”
    Jupiter’s hair always seemed more purple than pink to me, honestly, but I can see how in the game sprite it might appear pink. Eh, your call.
    You need a comma between white and skintight. Maybe the phrase describing the pant leg could be cleaned up a bit too. Something like “It only had one pant leg, covering one of the woman’s legs while leaving the other exposed” . . . although taking a closer look at a picture of her, I’m not really sure that this is the case. Maybe part of her thigh is exposed, but the pant leg continues again just above the knee, and the “exposed” part might be a different colored part of the outfit or a brace. It gets the idea across either way, though, I guess.

    And once again, if you really can’t bring yourself to use an innocuous word like “woman” for some reason, you can simplify this to “She really was gorgeous” and avoid the girl/woman issue altogether. The thing is that even if you see her as younger than 21, she’s still a character who is treated like an adult in the source material and even refers to the player character as a kid (examples: “Losing to some child…” and “Dream on, little kid” (referring to the rival)). Throwing around child/kid in ways that suggests she thinks they’re beneath her shows that she views herself as an adult.
    Sorry to stop you again so soon, but this is a bit inconsistent with the previous paragraph. At first, you have her just standing there thinking as ashes rain down around her; now she’s on the move with a sense of urgency. You go from a meditative moment to a faster paced one without any clear transition. I suggest eiter 1) Starting with all action and open with “Those words played in her head as she hurried away from Stark Mountain . . .” or 2) Opening with the second paragraph, the action one, and working her description into it as she’s traveling. She can meditate on the words she said later, when the sense of urgency has declined. Example: A pink-haired woman was holding a purple and white skunk in her arms as she worked her way down Stark Mountain. Her skintight, white outfit allowed her to bypass ragged boulders without her clothing getting caught as she cautiously but quickly made her way down the slopes.
    Nice description of the scenery, but might it make more sense for Jupiter to put Stuntank into her poké ball? She’d be easier to carry that way. Unless there’s some reason she can’t/doesn’t want to?
    Hmm . . . this is worded sort of weirdly, and I think it might be easier to just have her say “I wish I had some repels/some sort of pokémon deterrent.” Also, you previously stated she was trying to avoid trainers, so I don’t think you need to bring them up again.
    If I remember right, the Survival Area is closer to Stark Mountain than the Resort area – she’d have to pass through the desert to get to the Resort Area, I think. You also use “turn up” rather close together. Maybe “came into view” would be better?

    I’m not sure why you’re trying to hide Jupiter’s identity. Are we (the readers) supposed to not know it’s her at this point? Because if you’re trying to keep her identity secret for now, as above, the “girl” doesn’t really suit her. If there’s no need to make her identity mysterious, just saying Jupiter/the Galactic commander would avoid that issue altogether.
    The more colloquial (casual) term guy gets the same treatment as girl, I’m afraid. Try to avoid it when describing characters in narration, as in writing, you’ll want to use more precise terms to allow the reader to see what you’re intending them to see. The “guy” is a school kid? Then “a boy’s voice” might be more appropriate (as school kids are usually a lot younger trainers). You could even say “a voice said. The voice’s owner tapped her on the arm” to avoid applying gender/age characteristics to the voice until she sees who it is if you’re not sure about the right age to call a school kid.
    Again, boy might be appropriate for a much younger character like a school kid, but Jupiter probably wouldn’t go by “the girl.” I probably sound like I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m hoping that by explaining it when it comes up you’ll come to understand my reasoning for saying this stuff. Also, why does the boy think Jupiter only has one pokémon?
    Well, that Pokémon Center visit was . . . uneventful. I’m sorry to say this, but at this point it looks like you could cut out the stuff before this and just begin the story with “Jupiter stood outside the Resort/Survival Area Pokémon Center after having her pokémon healed from Team Galactic’s defeat at Stark Mountain.” I don’t mean this to be harsh, or necessarily to tell you to cut that all out and open this way, but rather to prompt you into making this Pokémon Center visit important.

    By this I mean that the current scene is what anyone who has played the games already knows, line by line. The nurse says X, the pokémon is healed and handed back to the trainer, the nurse says Y, the trainer leaves. Rather than presenting the experience exactly as it would appear in any game, maybe you could make something unusual happen?

    For example, Jupiter’s in her Galactic commander outfit, not civilian clothes. Could someone in the Center recognize her from the news or something? I’m not sure of the majority of people in Sinnoh know Team Galactic was a criminal organization at the end of the games, as Saturn seems quite able to re-start the group doing what they’d been claiming to be doing, but you’d think her outfit would stand out anyway. And if most people do know Team Galactic’s true colors, then this might cause a bit of an uproar, or at least an awkward moment for the nurse.

    Otherwise, does she notice something in the Center itself? If her outfit doesn’t raise eyebrows, she could see a brochure advertising the Unova region on the shelves while she’s waiting for her pokémon to be treated. Or there could be a TV in the Center she watches to get updates about Team Galactic’s standing in the region (remember, they had commercials about how they were a company looking for new energy sources. Would they still be airing these (giving her a reason to reminisce about her team)? Or would Galactic’s true motives be making the news?). You could use this as an opportunity to establish just how much the rest of the world knows about the Galactics.

    Alternatively, she could see advertisements for journey gear that make her seriously consider a journey of her own – a young, nervous looking kid about to leave home for the first time while their parent tells them they’ll learn so much about themselves on their journey (possibly being used to advertise a certain brand of trainer clothing or pokémon-related items). Such an ad could be what prompts her to call her mom, after seeing an unsure kid being reassured by a parent in the commercial.

    In short: make this scene more than something everyone who played the games has already seen.
    I’ll let you guess what the bolded parts mean. That aside, this is the sort of thing that could be done within the Center instead of when leaving it to make the Center scene more unique. She could be thinking about this while she’s waiting for the line to open up, for example.
    Puts should be put, alot should be a lot (two words).
    Rests should be rested. You can omit the “and when that happened” part because the reader just saw it happen. We know what Jupiter’s reacting to.

    As far as I can tell, there was no need to avoid saying Jupiter’s name before this point in the story. Everything is told from Jupiter’s perspective, so there’s no need to phrase things like she doesn’t know herself until she says her name aloud. Being able to use her name would avoid a lot of the girl/woman stuff, too, as was suggested to you in that one thread.
    lets should be let. I’m not sure about “for a few.” Did you mean “for a few days/weeks” or is this just her causal way of talking without specifying what a few is referring to?
    A short pause lingered for a few seconds looks like you’re trying to fit too many ways to describe the length of the pause into the same statement. “The voice on the other end/Her mother’s voice was quiet for a few seconds” might be cleaner.
    She’s asking to stay at her mother’s house when she doesn’t even know what region her mother is in? Did her mom move recently without bothering to tell Jupiter about it? Have they avoided contact with each other for some reason until now? I don’t know, this set-up (Jupiter not even knowing her mom isn’t in Sinnoh until she asks to stay with her) just seems a little iffy to me.
    I addressed the surprise at leaving Sinnoh above, but here I want to address “new team.” Is this a reference to how every game has a similar formula, and the players always expect Team Whatever to show up, or is this her hoping to join a Galactic-like organization elsewhere now that she’s left her old group?
    This last bit makes it sound like she’s not sure whether to go on a journey of self-discovery without leaving Sinnoh. This might be cleared up some.

    Overall, this is a decent way to broach the idea of Jupiter deciding to go on a journey (of self discovery) after she’s decided Team Galactic has offered her all it can, but there isn’t much that actually happens within the chapter itself. You might try expanding some scenes (especially in the Center). There’s not much to go on at this point to judge Jupiter’s journey on, but the opening is pretty good – it just needs to be fleshed out more.

    Almost forgot what I was going to mention here. The use of elipsies here is to build suspense for what's coming next, right? To build up to something surprising? I have to say it doesn't really work, especially when all that happens is some kid gives Jupiter his place in line.Save this kind of thing for something truly suspensful.

    Here, just say "Before she could turn to see what was behind her, she felt a tap on her arm."

    "Hey," said the voice of the tapper.
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2012

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