In an effort to debunk some greatly exaggerated rumors about how I have been too serial lately, I lay my reputation on the line with a referee analysis of the Pastoria battle, because honestly, the design of Wake’s dot-eyed referee may be the biggest disappointment in all of disappointmenthood.
In the red corner:
Name: “Smashin’ Ash” Ketchum
Age: 10, because characters in this anime don’t age no matter what anybody says
Weapon of Choice: Friendship
Motto: “I fight for my friends.”
In the blue corner:
Name: Joe “Crasher Wake” Schmoe
Age: However old Goliath was when David killed him
Weapon of Choice: His glorious muscles
Motto: “Hello, little man. I WILL DESTROY YOU!”
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE!!!
Round 1: Pikachu vs. Gyarados
- After a good zapping in its 7580293th appearance, Gyarados retaliates with some fire attack that I'm going to name "Dragon Fire Breath Thrower Rage Blast Beam".
- Pikachu Volt Tackes splat into Gyarados' face like a swatter to a fly, except this time, the swatter wins.
Round 2: Turtwig vs. Quagsire
- Quagsire dodges unidentifyable ball of energy.
- Turtwig shows off its uber platform game skills by jumping from pad to pad.
- Quagsire puts Turtwig on ice, kinda like the moonshine I just nabbed from my basement and poured in a glass.
Round 3: Buizel vs. Quagsire
- Anyone ever pick up on how Quagsire resembles Bloo from Foster's? It probably sucks at paddleball, too.
- Oh snap, that episode with Buizel's training and Zoey's broken angle wasn't completely useless!
Round 4: Buizel vs. Floatzel
- Flaotzel inflates it's sack, kinda like...actually, I'm not going to use that comparison.
- Buizel stares astonished at how large Floatzel's sack grew.
- Floatzel laughs at Water Pulse and fires glowing fin crescent thingies. Razor Wind or whatever.
- Flotzel begins glowing, kinda like nuclear waste. Radiation only makes it stronger!
- Revealing its vapire teeth, Floatzel uses Frostbite! Also known as its less pun-inspired name, Ice Fang.
- And...Buizel gets a case of Pink Eye. I'll spare you all the disgusting details.
Round 5: Pikachu vs. Floatzel
- It's raining electricity! Still not worse than it raining men.
- Stiff Motions + Ice Fang Stock Footage = Takeda's paycheck.
Round 6: Buizel vs. Floatzel - Take II
- Ice doesn't cause water to freeze. No, it causes EXPLOSIONS.
- Floatzel down and out. Kinda like a boozehound who got a little too hammered.
Closing comments:
Ash: “I won…the Fen Badge! Hey, what the **** is a “fen”, anyways? Isn’t it one of those giant spinny things on a windmill?”
Wake: “WINDMILLS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!”
Match verdict:
Fair battle in spite of Ash not losing a single Pokemon, but in terms of overall excitement, it was probably the weakest since the Battle Pike thanks to some unimpressive exhanges of attacks and lack of unique strategies, as well as the weakest battle animation-wise since Petalburg (which happens to be Takeda's last gym battle). Things started getting better by the time Floatzel started battling, but it lacked the punch that Veilstone delivered.