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A Dance of Ice, Fire, and Lightning

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Scepty26, Jan 7, 2019.

  1. Scepty26

    Scepty26 New Member

    I hope you all enjoy the first chapter of my story. This series is going to be relatively long with around 20+ chapters. There is going to be some swearing and violence (especially in the later chapters). This chapter has very few cuss words and no violence so it should be fine for all ages. I don’t necessarily have an upload schedule but I’ll try to get at least 1 chapter up every week. That’s all I have for now.

    Chapter 1- A Mysterious Present

    The sound of a door opening snapped me out of my stupor.I arose from my bed and rushed toward the front door. My socked feet slipping and sliding across the polished hardwood floors. I heard the pattering of tiny feet as my Snivy, Ivy, ran to catch up. Multiple servants rushed past me on my way to the grand staircase that led down into the entry hall. I picked up the hem of my dress as I stumbled down the large staircase. I reached the door to see my mother walk in, laden with a myriad packages.

    “Anna,” she snapped at me, “it’s not very ladylike to run.” “

    “Sorry, mother,” I mumbled, crestfallen.

    “Don’t look so down dear. I know you were expecting your father but he won’t be here for awhile,” mother said.

    “Ok,” I replied. I turned and headed back toward my room.

    I absentmindedly stroked Snivy’s head; it’s scales were cool under my fingers. Snivy hummed in delight as my hand went back and forth over her head. I glanced at the clock on my nightstand. “6:30,” I murmured, “and hour and 30 minutes until the party. I better go shower and get ready.” I got up and stretched before heading toward the ornate bathroom down the hall. Upon arrival, I looked in the mirror at my reflection. A pretty girl with blonde hair and vibrant blue eyes stared back. I disrobed and took a quick, steamy shower. I stepped out to find my maid, Stephanie, standing before me.

    “I’m here to style your hair, miss,” she said quietly. “I brought your finest dress as well.”

    “Thanks Steph,” I answered sweetly.

    It took about an hour for my hair to be styled and for me to be dressed in my finest dress. By time we were finished, it was already 7:45. I went to ballroom to await the arrivals. My mother was fussing over my hair and makeup when the doorbell rang. Our Butler, Timmy, ran to open the door. A few seconds later, my 3rd best friend stepped into the ballroom. “Hailey!” I squealed and ran to embrace her. “Anna!” She squealed back while embracing me. “Happy 13th Birthday!” “Thanks bestie!”

    “You can put your present on that table,” I pointed at a table in the center of the room. “And you can let your Pokémon out to play.”

    Hailey opened a pokeball and her skitty came out. She came over to me and started a conversation.

    As Hailey and I talked, the doorbell rang a second time. Again, Timmy ran to open the door and my second best friend appeared. As with Hailey, I squealed her name, Ava, and embraced her. She let out her purrloin came to talk with Hailey and I.

    Over the next 20 minutes guests continued to appear. There was Axel from school, Jackson from Undella town,and every other rich person from Aspertia or anywhere else in Unova. The number of Pokémon in the room kept on increasing.I would crane my neck to look at the door so I could see when my number 1 best friend would arrive. When it seemed like every other guest has arrived, the doorbell rang.

    He walked into the ballroom. My best friend in the whole world, James Ica. Where everyone else was wearing fancy clothes or dresses, he was wearing an old, brown jacket lined with fuzz on the inside. While everyone’s hair was intricately styled, his brown hair was messy and unkempt. His sea green eyes lit up with excitement when he caught my gaze. Beside him his older brother, Jakob, smiled at me. His brother had the same brown hair and green eyes but his hair was cut short and he was much taller and more muscular. Every girl in the city had a secret crush on Jakob.

    As James walked towards me, whispers followed him.

    “It’s the Frozen Star of Aspertia.”

    “Eww! What’s a commoner doing here?”

    “He’s kind of good looking.”

    “I think I used to have a similar jacket.”

    Half of the party had their eyes on him while the other half probably didn’t care or thought he was too beneath them for them to give him any sort of attention. Some were probably intimidated since he was the second strongest trainer in the room. The strongest trainer was walking right beside him.

    “Hi Anna!” He said happily, snapping me out of my thoughts. “Hi James!” I replied with my usual cheerfulness. I had him put his present for me on the table. “You can let your Pokémon out as well.”

    “Ok!” He withdrew a pokeball and opened it. A sneasel appeared at his side in a flash of light.

    The sneasel was different from the other Pokémon here. The other Pokémon were well groomed and slightly overweight while Sneasel was lithe with messy fur. The other Pokémon looked at sneasel with disdain as he stared at them with a devious glint in his eyes.

    “Happy Birthday Anna!” James said.

    “Happy Birthday!” Jakob said as well.

    “Thanks to both of you!” I replied.

    “Are you hoping you get taller for your birthday?” Jakob joked.

    “Shut up! You’re just too tall.” I replied.

    Not much happened after that. The party was just a normal party. James did ask me to dance and I tried really hard not to blush. I accepted much to the disappointment of the other boys there. He’s a surprisingly good dancer. The cake was delectable which was not surprise to anyone who had tasted my cook’s food. The present opening was pretty uneventful until the end.

    I just finished opening my last present when my dad arrived. I had a hard time controlling my happiness when I saw him. I resisted the urge to run toward him and give him a hug. The only thing stopping me was the fact that my doing that would be very unladylike. He came over and gave me a quick hug, a kiss on the cheek, and some birthday wishes. He handed me a small box and said that it was my present.

    I opened the box and found a round, white stone the size of my fist laying inside. There were three grooves in it, two on the bottom and 1 on the top. I picked it up and found out it was really warm, kind of like a miniature fire was burning inside. I looked at my father questionably and he gave me a look that said he’d tell me later.

    The party went on for another half hour after that. As the guest were leaving, I saw James pull father aside to talk to him. “That’s weird,” I thought, “What would James want with father? And what the hell is this stone?”

    The trees bent in the strong blasts of wind coming from the storm. Rain pounded down on the beach and houses of Undella town. A cloaked man in the center of the storm looked in the direction of Route 14. 2 dark shapes flew around him. He muttered one word that was immediately lost to the wind. No one would be able to hear that word. He could barely hear it himself. But he knew that the word was very special. “Landorus.”
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2019
  2. Negrek

    Negrek Lost but Seeking

    Welcome to the forums! This is an interesting twist on the Unova region; I'm curious whether this story takes place in the present day, or maybe sometime earlier, when social classes were more rigid. Anna already has a pokémon, so she doesn't need to go through the getting-a-first-pokémon routine that most OC's do at the beginnings of their stories, but one way or another she's going to have to strike out away from all the luxury she's accustomed to. I wonder whether she's ever thought of becoming a trainer before herself?

    Lots of mystery here! There appear to be several different threads going on here, from whatever's up with that cloaked dude at the end, whatever's up with Anna's dad and, presumably, whatever's up with Jakob. You really only tease a little at what might happen in this chapter--it's pretty short--but I look forward to seeing what happens when the plot kicks off in earnest. I have a feeling it's going to put Anna way out of her depth, which is sure to be fun.

    I think it might be a good idea to take another look at your chapters before posting, though, spellcheck, do your best to catch typos, and so on. At times the mechanical errors in this chapter were a bit distracting, and a bit more polish would make things easier on your readers. A couple of rules in particular that you might want to keep in mind is that each person's dialogue should get its own paragraph--you follow that rule most of the time, but then you have paragraphs like this:

    Here you have multiple people talking in the same paragraph, which quickly gets confusing. Keeping each paragraph to one speaker is a lot simpler to understand!

    Also, you ought to write out small numbers rather than using numerals, e.g. "nine" instead of "9." Numbers look kind of odd next to normal text, and they look especially weird if they're used to start a sentence, e.g. "2 dark shapes flew around him."

    We've just gotten a small taste of the story so far; not sure at this point whether it's going to be a trainer's-journey kind of story, or whether it's going to focus on whatever appears to be brewing with (based on the title and Anna's present) Zekrom, Reshiram, and Kyurem/Landorus, Thundurus, and Tornadus. One way or another, I'm interested to see what you do with it.

    [Edited out for rule violation]

    Good luck with your writing!
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2019

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