1. We have moved to a new forum system. All your posts and data should have transferred over. Welcome, to the new Serebii Forums. Details here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders
    Dismiss Notice

A Day in the Life of a Gym Leader[PG]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by disclaimer065, Mar 13, 2011.

  1. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    I decided, as a challenge, that I'm going to start a little project entitled, as you can probably tell, “A Day in the Life of a Gym Leader.” Contrary to what the name implies, it will actually be a collection of 32, possibly 40, oneshots about each of the gym leaders, beginning with Brock. Be warned, there will be a fair amount of headcanon involved, but hopefully nothing too extreme. Also, this is Game-verse.


    PM LIST
    -Chimpchar
    -Articuno_rocks




    Indigo League



    Brock
    Misty
    Lt. Surge
    Erika
    Sabrina
    Janine
    Blaine






    BROCK



    Brock slammed his glass onto the counter of Pewter City's own Musty Attic tavern. If he was even slightly in his right mind, he probably would have questioned for the tenth (or was it the twentieth?) time why bars tended to have such idiotic---if somewhat fitting, he noted with a sniff---names. As it was, though, he had about five shots of one-hundred proof whiskey in him, almost enough to bring down the hardest of men.

    With watery eyes, he glanced up at the flat-screen television that was poised above the bar. It looked surprisingly expensive for a bar so... let's just say it was something of an eyesore. He strained to decipher the words and phrases spraying forth from the narrator's mouth. It sounded like some sort of documentary. He pulled his face into a grimace with the force he put towards trying to understand the words. They came to him, slowly...

    “Despite the exploration team's best efforts, however, the rare, oddly colored Pokemon eluded detection. The rumored red Gyarados failed to appear, even fleetingly, to the crestfallen team...”

    Nothing of interest to a Rock-type specialist. He slumped from his position, leaning against the flat surface of the bar with his hand on his cheek, to rest his head on his arm, face down. He let out a slight sob as the emotions inside of him twisted and turned. It all came back to one, specific, pink-haired girl: Nurse Joy.

    He tried so hard, every day, to impress her. Whenever a challenger lost in his gym, he would personally see that they brought their Pokemon to the Pokemon Center, and would even help treat them himself. He would hang around the Center in his free time, chatting and flirting with her, and usually she seemed to return the feelings. But whenever he brought up the topic of a possible date between them, she would always shoot him down.

    With another sob, he called the bartender over for another drink.

    “What's gotten into you, Brock?” the barkeeper asked.

    “Urgh...” he grumbled drunkenly. “S' Nurse Joy again.”

    “Ah, I see.” The bartender leaned over by him and set down the glass he had been drying. “Y'know, Brock,” he murmured, “I know you like Nurse Joy and all, but don't you think it's about time you try for a different girl? Something's bound to come your way. It just isn't a good idea to spend all this time getting down over her, y'see?”

    Brock glanced up at the barkeeper, a half-joyful, half-disappointed smile on his face. “Know what I like 'bout you, Mickey?” You're always... always down... d-down 'n real. You're a real pal, brother.”

    Mickey smiled and went back to his duties. “What you say,” he called over his shoulder.

    A new girl... He could try that, Brock decided. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be any really obvious (or good, for that matter) choices. There was Misty... but no, she already had a boyfriend, and she was rather monogamous. He could try Sabrina, but he rather enjoyed his masculinity, thank-you-very-much. That left Erika and Janine, but Erika was too uptight for his tastes and Arceus forbid Koga let him get within ten miles of the master ninja's daughter. What to do, then...?

    Just as he was about to give up, a girl about his age approached him and hopped up onto the barstool right next to him.

    “Brock? Is that you?” she asked excitedly.

    “”D'pends. Who's askin'?” was his gruff reply.

    She blinked rapidly when their gazes met and glanced at her feet briefly. “I'm Robin. Robin Banks? I used to help you dig up rocks on route 3.” She chuckled. “It's been a couple years since then, though, so I'm not surprised you don't remember.”

    “Robin... Robin...” his lips spread in a warm smile as he began to recall (although it was difficult with his blood alcohol level. Then again, he did begin to sober up at the memories). “Ah, yes, I remember now. You were the one who helped me find the fossil that became my Omastar!”

    “Yes, that was me.” She chuckled nervously. “It's been forever since I saw you, and I was in town, so I thought I'd look you up, just for old time's sake.”

    That didn't make sense. How did she know he was in the bar?

    “Well, alright... but why would you think I was here, of all places?”

    “Oh, ah, well...” she coughed briefly. “About that. I remembered you talking about how much you loved this one brand of whiskey, and then when I got here and went to the Pokemon Center, I heard Nurse Joy fuming about how you would never leave her alone, or something like that, so I just assumed you would be...”

    Brock smacked his forehead. That was the last thing he wanted to hear right now. Pretty soon, the entire city would know that he had gotten rejected big-time. With his luck, they'd start laughing at him about it and no one would be able to take him seriously anymore.

    “Pfft,” he snorted, “Nurse Joy? Who needs her? I'm free as a mountain rock without her!” he declared, lifting his head to the ceiling and beating his chest with his fist.

    She smiled weakly at his, in her eyes, undeserved pride. Still, he was a good guy, even if he was a little in over his head.

    He turned back to face her. “So. If you're here for old times sake, what do you say we go to my place? We can catch up, I can show you my fossil collection, maybe we could watch a movie, or something?” he asked with a sly smile.

    “Sure,” she smiled, “I'd like that.”

    Brock gave Mickey a little wave, indicating for the barkeeper to put the cost on his tab, and led the girl to the door. Inside, he was celebrating. It looked like his streak of bad luck was about to come to an end.
     
    Last edited: Nov 4, 2011
  2. Pokefan3810

    Pokefan3810 Reach for the Stars

    It's genius!

    For some reason, I can't wait for Wattson!

    I like how you made Brock an unsophisticated alcoholic and not the smart Brock we usually see.

    I found only one error, here:
    There shouldn't be any end quotation after Mickey, but that's nothing a post edit can't fix!

    So it seems like Nurse Joy does get annoyed by Brock....

    I eagerly await more of these!
     
  3. UltimatePokemonExpert

    UltimatePokemonExpert Experienced Trainer

    I love it! I'm guessing Misty is going to be spending her time thinking about Red or Ash or whatever.
     
  4. This is a really cute idea. I liked the combination of the anime characteristics (the skirt chasing) and the games (a bit more rough edged).

    Were you implying that Sabrina's a lesbian or just that she was domineering?
     
  5. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    Oh, just dominating.

    Thanks everyone! Misty should be done by Wednesday or Thursday, assuming I can work out the kinks in my plan for her...
     
  6. RoflLuxRay

    RoflLuxRay Pokemon Physiologist

    Helloo....

    Intesting idea you have mate. Going through all the gym leaders is going to take you a lot of time, I hope you dedicate this project the enough time to make it a whole success.

    On Brock's one-shot... Reaaally, really interesting. It was a nice change of pace to see him drowning his sorrows in alcohol, and not chasing a girl relentlessly like he usually does on the anime. I'm sure that bartender sees him around a lot, and I'm surprised by the amount of alcohol he consumed, but as far as I know (or as I've seen) a girl rarely approaches a drunk man in a bar... But, I'll buy it if the girl has some interest.

    On the downside, I found no description of Mickey or Robin. I know it is a one-shot, but still, characters should be described at least in some extent to stimulate the reader's imagination.

    Grammatically this is well written (as far as I can tell, for I'm no grammar genius), and I really liked your writing style, it made me feel part of the story.

    I will follow this project closely...

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next update!!
     
  7. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    Welp, here's Misty, several days late.



    MISTY



    It was the greatest dream Misty had ever had.

    The waves crashed over her as she sped through the sea. She flew through the water like a Fire Blast through a Shedinja. She was elated; she rarely got to spend much time in the water when she wasn’t training her Pokémon.

    It was heaven. The water had just the right amount of chill—not too cold, but enough to be refreshing. She opened her eyes briefly to spot scores of Pokémon drifting through the current beneath her. From Tentacool to Goldeen and even to Seel, a vast array of creatures smiled up at her, encouraging her to go faster. And so she did.

    The Water-type trainer made quick strokes through the water, speeding through it faster than she ever had before. Ten, twenty, thirty yards she went, popping up briefly every minute or so for air. It was exhilarating to catch that first breath of salty air, air that cut the nose and cleared the senses, before plunging back down into the icy-blue depths of the ocean.

    Then she was caught in a swift current that dragged her along, off course. She fought to escape it, and with a decisive kick, shot off back on track. She shot up for air once more, and heard the steady cheering of spectators. Oh how they loved to watch her swim, some even traveling from as far away as Johto to see her. She was the Mermaid of Cerulean, after all. Liked by all and loved by some, she was a water trainer like no other.

    She was almost done. She could feel it. All good things must come to an end, but she wasn’t sad. In fact, she was excited. Months of practice and training were a small price to pay for the ability to stun spectators and leave opponents in the dust. Or bubbles, as it were.

    A roar like that of the sea rose in her ears, radiating deep within her and pounding on her eardrums as if the sea was an all-drum orchestra. It was time. She gathered energy deep within her, pushed it to her legs, snapped them together, and…

    She was in the air. She flew clear out of the water, twisting and turning stylishly as the ocean breeze whipped all of the last vestiges of sea water from her pearly skin. She landed perfectly, snapping her legs apart in a split against the concrete floor. She had about five seconds of silence before cheers erupted all around her.

    She was high in the air now, being carted around by a mob of fans as the referee blew his whistle to signal an end to the race. In moments, she was dumped on a stand, where she stood proudly in the icy breeze and blazing sun as a golden medallion was placed around her neck. It was heavy, but she held her head high as thousands of fans, old and young alike, screamed her name.

    Suddenly, the crowd faded from her vision as a figure stood from an exquisite chair and began marching slowly toward her. The figure was bathed in an odd shadow, odd due to the fact that it was midday and they were in the middle of the Seafoam Islands. The shadow slowly slid from the figure’s body as the sun began to dramatically shine on her glistening flesh and extravagantly styled auburn hair. It was Lorelei, the Ice trainer and once member of the Kanto/Johto Elite Four.

    Misty almost fainted at the sight of her idol. She sank to her knees and began to worship the master trainer. As her gaze lifted once more, she saw Lorelei’s lips begin to part, as if to speak. But no sound came, instead a shrill screech sounded.

    The vision rapidly faded into white as Misty was ripped violently from her dream. She sat up in bed, a few drops of sweat clinging to her face and almost nude body. The sheets slid down her body as she swung forward, wicking some of the sweat away from her chest and abdomen. She slapped her forehead groggily as she realized she had been ‘swimming’ in her sleep. The annoyed Cerulean Gym Leader glanced at her shrieking alarm clock to spot the time. It was 7:30 in the morning.

    “****.”

    She tossed the faulty machine across the room and slammed her head back onto her pillow, mashing a blanket onto her face. The day had barely begun and already she was ready to slap someone. It was going to be a bad one, for sure.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2011
  8. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    This is rather good, imo - thoroughly enjoyed these two entries you have here so far. Love the style of writing and you certainly bring life to the gym leader's characters there, and it was a refreshing take on Brock as well - can't say I've seen that side of him before in any fan's take on him. Dialogue reads nicely and feels 'real' as well, coupled with the actions of how they are said as well... in short, I'm rather looking forward to the other ones coming up, certainly. =)

    I do agree with RoflLuxRay that some more description of the bartender and more so Robin would be something to consider - it came to mind upon reading that it was a bit lacking before I read that comment as well so maybe consider adding in a bit.

    Another suggestion would be to put thoughts like that in italics or 'thought' or the such so it's easier to recognise that it is something thought straight away instead of possibly thinking it as narration instead.
    'in her vision' sounded a bit awkward to me (unless by vision you mean dream in which case I'd say that's a bit odd to put if you want to keep the whole 'it's just a dream' thing away from being revealed until the end) - maybe a bit of rewording there (...the crowd cleared before her as a figure...' for instance?) would be something to consider.
    missing the 'y' there in Misty.

    Keep it up - I think I'll be keeping an eye on this. =)
     
  9. UltimatePokemonExpert

    UltimatePokemonExpert Experienced Trainer

    Awesome! Keep up the good work. I want to see Green, that should be cool.
     
  10. RoflLuxRay

    RoflLuxRay Pokemon Physiologist

    Well you surely didn't let me down on Misty. Good job.

    I don't know, but i sensed some redundancy across the fic, but don't worry too much, it might be my imagination.

    And talking about imagination, eeeeverything in the fic is great. Except for description. By this I mean about the character and the place, the Situation couldn't be better.

    Ok, she's in the sea and the other sentence really gives me a good idea of how she is in the sea.

    Ok... wasn't she in the sea? From where did the spectators came out of and how come I never found out about the race? Where are the other contestants? Perhaps those questions remain unanswered because, after all, she's dreaming. But still, you really kept the place dark for the reader. Again, the situation is described accurately, you really get to understand Misty's position throghout the story, but the place requires more work.

    Certainly not what I expected to see of Misty, I hope you can keep surprising me like that on future One-shots.

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next update
     
  11. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, guys.
    I agree as well, and it's a valid point, but I'm trying to keep these at a minimum while still being a good length and, of course, focusing on the Gym Leader. So, unfortunately, it just doesn't warrant me spending too much time on side characters.

    You're right. I usually do, too, but I can be a little inconsistent on that.

    In hindsight, I agree. It's supposed to be that they literally faded away, so that certainly could use some rewording.

    fix'd

    Thanks, and I appreciate you taking the time to review.




    I meant for it to come on slowly, because I didn't want people to know she was in a race from the start.

    Thanks for your time.



    Hopefully Lt. Surge won't take quite as long. I do have a solid idea that I'm gonna go for, so hopefully I'll be able to do it more easily.
     
  12. Chimpchar

    Chimpchar PKMN CHAMPION!!!!

    I'll keep track of this
    If you plan to have one(if not it's fine) could you add me to a pm list?
     
  13. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Well up to you of course. XD I do feel that a bit of description wouldn't take much attention away from the gym leader in question as well, and nor would it affect the length (as I'm of the belief there isn't always an exact length to aim for, but rather the story should be as long as it has to be to tell its story, and added description could be as little as another sentence or two as well). My two cents anyways. ;p
     
  14. AmericanPi

    AmericanPi Write on

    Some more description would be nice, because we don't really know how Mickey and Robin look like.

    Generally, I really like this; it's nice to get into the personal lives of the gym leaders. Needless to say, I can't wait until Falkner, Winona, and Skyla's one-shots come out... Duh. Keep up the good work!
     
  15. disclaimer065

    disclaimer065 Well-Known Member

    Hey guys, sorry for the long wait. I've just had a bunch to deal with in the past few weeks, death in the family, accidents with friends, so I hope that's excusable.

    I feel like the actual storytelling in this one suffered. Hopefully the length will make up for that though, because this one is considerably longer than the two before it.

    Enjoy.



    SURGE



    Click. Point. Pull.

    Crack. Bang. Boom.

    Three shots. Three bull's eyes.

    A smirk flitted across his face. He still had it. Lieutenant Surge placed his pistol on the counter in front of him and removed the large, heavily padded ear muffs from his head. He set these next to the pistol on the counter.

    Fifteen long years it had been since he had fired a shot in service to a cause. Nowadays he did simply out of fondness for his past and his homeland.

    Sighing, the forty-three-year-old war veteran packed up his equipment, making sure the pistol was devoid of any remaining shots, and made his way to the front room of the firing range. After offering a small wave to the man at the counter, he placed a pair of sheer black shades over his eyes as he pushed open the plate-glass door and stepped out into the mid-morning chill.

    The spring-time sun washed over his face as he walked (All the better to have the shades, he thought). It was a short distance to his truck, made all the shorter by the wide strides associated with height that he took. A light breeze ruffled his medium-length hair as he walked; he was due for a cut soon.

    Upon reaching the vehicle, he wasted no time piling his briefcase into the passenger's seat. He slammed the door shut out of habit and made his way around to the driver's side. As he reached for the black plastic handle, a voice approached from behind, coupled with the heavy slaps of leather boots.

    “Alexander Damien Surge, born in Nimbasa City, Unova. Age forty-three, former First Lieutenant in the United States army, now retired. Lives in Vermilion City, Kanto. That sound about right?” The voice was gruff, overtly Russian, and even vaguely familiar...

    His mind kicked into overdrive. Over one-hundred distinct methods of incapacitating an opponent ran through his head as his hand slowly dropped from the door handle and to the knife he kept sheathed and hidden in his pocket.

    “Yeah... and who might you be?” he said as he slowly turned around to face the stranger, his grip secured around the knife.

    Surge saw a man who looked to be about his age, at least from what he could see; the man had a ball cap pulled down over his face (Why does everyone have a ball cap these days?). A smile spread across the stranger's face as he slowly lifted the cap from his face, revealing warm features dusted with a graying goatee and mustache.

    “What? You do not recognize your old friend?”

    Surge's grip loosened around the knife as the man walked up and lightly embraced him. He gave a quick squeeze in return.

    “Sergeant Kravich? What are you doing here in Japan?”

    “It's 'Captain' Kravich, now. I just thought I would check up on you, since nobody has heard from you in quite some time.”

    “Oh... Well, congratulations on the promotion, and thanks for the thought, but I assure you I'm just fine.” Surge turned back to his vehicle and made to enter when he felt his former army mate's hand on his shoulder.

    “What? You are not happy to see your old friend?”

    Surge let his grip on the door handle slacken and fall to his side. “No, no, it's not that, it's just... Hell, I don't know.” He turned back around to face the former Russian citizen and lifted his arm to gaze at his watch. “It's about time for lunch... Here, why don't we go someplace and catch up?”

    “That would be good.”

    The two of them climbed into the truck (Surge moved his gun case to a small space between the seats to make room) and pulled out of the parking lot, and were soon heading downtown.

    “So, you're the guest. What're you thinking?” Surge inquired after a few minutes of driving around aimlessly.

    “Ah... Something simple, this Japanese food doesn't sit well with my stomach. A burger joint, perhaps?”

    Surge glanced quizzically over at the foreigner from behind his sunglasses. “You do realize how unlikely it is that we'll find a burger joint around here, right?”

    “There's bound to be one around here someplace. We'll just have to keep our eyes open.”

    Sure enough, within a few minutes they chanced upon a simple, American-style fast food restaurant. Just minutes later, they had acquired their food and were sitting in a booth, chowing down.

    “So,” said Surge between bites, “how's Cecilia?”

    “Oh yes, Cecilia. She's uh... She's doing well. She is working in a law firm these days. She once said it was her life's ambition, you know? So, yes, I'm very happy for her.” The Russian looked away from Surge as he said this. He seemed preoccupied, like there was something he was dying to say, but couldn't find the moment to do so.

    “Hmm. Well, that's good for her.” Surge took a large sip from his soda. “You know, I'm surprised you two haven't settled down someplace yet. It's been quite a while, hasn't it?”

    Kravich glanced back at Surge momentarily, before taking another bite form his burger. “Yes, well... I don't know. I suppose it's mostly my fault. I don't do so well with commitments. As much as I would like to get married, buy a house somewhere, and raise a family, I can't find the will to take that first step, you know?”

    “Can't say I do. It must have taken quite a bit of commitment to make it to where you are in the army, didn't it?”

    “This is different. You'll find yourself a woman someday, Surge, and you'll see just how differently your brain works when it concerns them. As you well know, I have faced strong men and monsters without flinching. Yet face me with a woman, and I am like a child.”

    Surge took a moment to think on Kravich's words, nodding as they poured into his ears. Kravich was a strong man, a proud man. It must have taken an incredible amount of courage to tell him that. Deciding to change the subject, he took a glance around the room, taking in the far-off, but still familiar, sights, sounds, and scents. Most people in the restaurant were white or black, though there was an occasional Asian cautiously testing his food.

    “This place really takes me back. It'd be nice to see America again.”

    Kravich found his moment. “Funny you should mention that, actually.”

    “Why's that?”

    “I've been thinking... You know as well as I do of the unrest in other parts of the world. It is smelling like there will be war soon. And that made me think... I would like to fight by your side again, Surge.”

    This hit Surge like a cattle prod. He had never considered going back to the army. “Geez, I-I don't know. I have so much of a life here, I don't think I could ever just give it up so easily.”

    Kravich's face fell, but he retained his confident demeanor. “I understand,” he said, removing a pen and paper from his pocket. He quickly scribbled down a number and handed it to Surge. “It would be rude of me to expect an immediate answer. Here's my cell number. Why don't you think on it for a while, then tell me what you think?”

    “Uh, yeah, sure. I mean... Yeah.”

    They quickly finished their meal and went outside to the truck. Kravich told Surge that he could just take a cab, but Surge insisted on ferrying him back to his hotel. When they arrived, a brief goodbye was made, and Surge headed back to his house above the gym.

    For the rest of the day, Surge went about his routine normally, only occasionally giving the matter any thought.

    When twilight drew near, Surge found himself in the shower. Any other part of the day, he would be working out, dealing with gym business, or dealing with some other trivial matter that required all of his attention. It wasn't until the day was almost over that he ever had time to think. And now, he had a decision to make...

    He could hardly deny one of his closest friends such a simple (relatively, at least) request, even if they had not spoken in years. The very fact that Kravich had come in person spoke wonders for the devotion the Russian held to his former CO. He still had family back in the States, as well, that he would love to visit, if only briefly.

    But he couldn't well just up and leave everything he had here behind. The League would be without a Gym Leader for quite a while, potentially placing a plethora of challenges on hold. And the other Leaders would be without a friend...

    He finished rather quickly and toweled himself off. It was too big of a decision to make in one night.

    After he finished drying and dressing, he sat in a reclining chair in his living room, reading a magazine just to let his mind wander from the monolithic choice that faced him.

    As he read, he heard a squeaky, if deep and rough, call sound throughout the house. In moments, he felt a great weight on his legs: Raichu had done its best to curl up in his lap. He lightly stroked the rodent's fur, reliving the times they had spent together in the army. Raichu had been such a tough and energetic companion then, but now... the rat found it difficult to last an entire battle. The Electric-type was getting old.

    Surge would never be able to go back to the army without Raichu, that he was sure of. He lifted the rat from his lap and stood, placing the Pokemon back on the chair. He silently made his way to the phone and dialed the number from the paper he had received earlier. In moments, the recipient picked up.

    “Hello? Who is this?”

    “It's me, Surge.” he said lightly.

    “Ah, excellent. I didn't expect for you to get back to me so soon! What have you decided?”

    “I can't do it, Kravich. I'm sorry.”

    There was silence on the other end for several moments. A sigh came through the line. “Well, I suppose that's that, then. It would have been wonderful to have you serve under me, but I suppose I cannot force your hand. ...What made you decide to stay?”

    “It was Raichu. He's getting on in years. It just wouldn't be the same without him.”

    “I understand. Well, you have my number now. Be sure to keep in touch, won't you?”

    “Yeah... plus... it would be much better for my sanity to stay here. I think going back to the States after all this time would just be too much of a culture shock.”
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2011
  16. Chimpchar

    Chimpchar PKMN CHAMPION!!!!

    niceeeeeeeeeeeee. I agree it has less story telling, i didn't see any errors. But a bit to realistic for my taste...Overall, keep up the goo-great work!






    shock lol
     
  17. UltimatePokemonExpert

    UltimatePokemonExpert Experienced Trainer

    Good chapter. I liked how you took the side of Lt. Surge being a hero instead of a bad guy like in the manga. Can't wait for the next one.
     
  18. RoflLuxRay

    RoflLuxRay Pokemon Physiologist

    Surge is great, another point of view from what we're used to see from him.

    The story is great, I loved surge. But on the downside I felt you rushed through the story. You could have stopped and described Kravich a little more, other than just "Russian" and with a cap. Description still needs more work. If you improve it, MAN this will get EPIC.

    Awww... Raichu is getting old... and one more thing... Though this depends more on the writer, i would have to disagree with Kanto being placed in Japan. YES I am aware there is a region in Japan named KANTO and YES it is based upon that place, but I think that for pokemon purposes it's better to separate it from that island. Just my opinion, it doesn't have to do anything with the story, just my opinion.

    Thanks for your time, I look forward to the next update
     
  19. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Agreed that a bit more description on secondary characters would potentially improve this again (although I do feel that Kanto being treated as Japan here makes sense personally). Besides that again it was an enjoyable one-shot - I liked this take on Surge and the fact he stayed behind because of his Raichu was a neat direction and way to conclude it.
    Not sure if the thought needs to start with a capital in the middle of the sentence - maybe it'd be better to separate the two parts of the sentence into separate ones?
    Missing a 'you' there.
    And missing an 'a' there.

    Already looking forward to the next one. =) Don't try to rush it or anything though especially if life stuff gets int he way, the wait for this one was not too long imo and irl things should take precedence. At any rate, keep it up!
     
  20. Ah, that was interesting. I'll be commenting on the chapters one by one, so here goes nothing.


    Brock:

    Very simple, but at the same time enjoyable. I like how you characterize Brock around his type specialty - but not simply based off it, but in a way contradicting it. He has a "rock-hard" exterior, but deep down he's just a hopeless romantic.

    It might be a personal nitpick, but I tend to italicize the written-out thoughts of my characters. It's kind-of confusing to see his thoughts blended in with the story's narrations and dialogues since they're another thing altogether. [Although I see you correct this in your Lt. Surge chapter. Eh, I still feel like putting it here anyway XD].


    A few things though:

    Maybe change this to "his"? Having Koga and "the master ninja" in one sentence seems a bit redundant, and I don't really think Koga would tell people to "leave the master ninja's daughter alone" - he would tell them to "leave his daughter alone".

    Also, isn't Arceus the Pokemon God? While I do find it interesting if it's the God of the entire Pokemon world [humans included], that's kind-of contradicted by the fact that Arceus can be captured [at least in the games]. But this isn't really the place to debate about this. :p


    Bolded phrase sounds odd. I say use the conventional "look for you", but it might be a result of Brock's weird accent...


    I don't think the commas are needed.


    I also agree with what your other reviewers have said, though, with the lack of description for the other characters, but I'm also taking it further to the fact that you didn't describe Brock as well. Even though everyone pretty much knows what he looks like, it would be nice if some physical description of him [and, well, the other characters] were present.



    Misty:

    I admit that I like Brock's chapter more than Misty's, since her chapter was simply that of a dream and not of a day :p. But it was another interesting chapter, and you do add several interesting tidbits on Misty, such as her idolizing Lorelei and her actually "swimming" in her sleep.

    I would've liked this chapter to be expanded on, though, since with you only focusing on her dream [and her immediate reaction after it], you didn't really bring out a lot of her personality. What made Brock's chapter enjoyable was your take on how he acted outside the gym, so I missed that in her chapter.


    One other thing:

    Is this really the right word? For a second there I thought she was picked up and thrown at the stand. XD



    Surge:

    You've shown improvement with this chapter, which is really commendable. Surge's characterization looks pretty solid, and I liked how you gave more of a background to him than the previous two leaders. I also liked the small bit in the end with the Raichu - only one out of the three so far that actually sees human-Pokemon interaction. I also like how you hinted that all the gym leaders have close ties with each other. Hopefully in one of your few chapters you bring that up. XD


    A few corrections:

    This sounds kinda awkward, especially the latter part. I like how you indirectly reference the Vermilion truck, though. [I'm not even sure if you meant to. But eh. XD]


    ...but he's a gym leader. Why would people not hear anything about him? x_x


    I don't get why "former" is included.



    Interesting series indeed. About time people shed light on such interesting characters. I personally can't wait for my faves [Elesa, Winona and Tate and Liza], and if you're going to do Blue since based on Brock's story you're doing it at the time of Johto.

    Anyway, really nice stories, and keep up the good work! =)
     

Share This Page