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A Friday [one-shot]

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Dramatic Melody, Apr 14, 2014.

  1. Just like my previous one-shot, Berries, this bore out of being tired from my required writing. Unlike Berries, though, this is a much lighter one-shot, and there isn't any abuse or dark themes here.

    Okay, maybe some dark themes, as this does reference the Pokedex entry of Drifloon, which says that it brings children to the underworld. That's where the idea of this one-shot came from, really, as I found that prospect really interesting. And when the Perspective one-shot contest started, I thought that it would be great to incorporate that Pokedex entry with the Drifloon you see on Valley Windworks every Friday.

    I obviously didn't finish the story in time for the contest, but I did finish it, so enjoy. :)

    A Friday

    She wore pink that Friday.

    Everything about her was pink. Her flowing dress that stopped halfway through her knees. Her silk bow that perched lazily on her hair. Her pearl necklace that swayed to the rhythm of her walking. Her beaded bracelets that she toyed with every now and then. Her strapped sandals that got dirty from all the mud she ran through. Her socks that slightly peeped out of her feet. Her tongue that stuck out from her mouth as she ran around the field. Her cheeks that looked like Cherrims on a sunny day. Her smile that made that particular sunny day seem sunnier.

    She looked at me with curious eyes, both her eyebrows slightly raised and her mouth slightly agape. She took slow, careful steps forward, away from the massive structure looming behind her and through the grass that rustled beneath her sandals. In time she was near me, about three feet away, and her pink self was as puzzled as ever.

    I lifted up an arm to greet her. She responded by running back to the massive structure screaming “Daddy!”

    She would do, I decided.

    I had been looking for the perfect child to bring with me in the days before, and all the children I had found had all been the same – timid, lonely, lifeless. Of course, those were the easiest to carry, for there was nothing but their weight to worry about. The live ones always complained and made the carrying close to unbearable, and that was only if I was able to lift them off the ground in the first place.

    But there was something about her that seemed magnetic. She did not look any different from all the other live children I have encountered in the past. She had the same two eyes, the same two ears, the same smile. She had two arms that flailed at will, and two legs that supported her thin frame.

    And yet, for some odd reason, she felt different. There was some sort of aura that radiated from her, one I had never experienced before. I had thought about it in the few minutes that she was gone, but even as she approached me for a second time, though this time with her hand clutched tightly to her father’s, I could not figure her out.

    “Daddy, what is that?” She said, pointing her small, pink finger at me.

    “Ah, well that is a Drifloon, my sweetheart!” Her father said happily. “Sometimes, the wind generated by the windmills blows these cute Pokemon over here, and they stay here for the whole day.”

    “Is it safe?” She asked. I tried moving sideways to respond to her question, but the strong winds prevented me from doing so.

    “Of course, sweetie!” Her father replied. “Although, there is a story I heard from your grandma about these Pokemon taking children to a faraway place, but I’m sure that’s nothing but a silly fairy tale.”

    I was surprised that this man had heard of our story. Fairy tale would not be the first description that comes to mind, though. Myth would be better. Or event.

    “So can I play with it, daddy?”

    “Help yourself, sweetie,” her father answered, “as long as you come back in time for lunch.”

    The man left a few moments after that, and we were back to the same situation that we were both in a few minutes ago: staring at each other, about three feet apart, her look of curiosity and anxiety.

    And her pinkness. Her astounding pinkness.

    Seeing my opportunity, I floated towards her as calmly as possible. She took a cautious step back, but I could see in her eyes that her curiosity outweighed her anxiety.

    She extended her right arm towards me, as if trying to poke me.

    Perfect, I thought, as I wrapped my arms around hers.

    As I made a knot out of my arms, I could see her brown eyes staring at me, with a mix of wonder and confusion. I could see her hair being blown by the soft wind, with strands both enveloping her bow and resting on her forehead. I could see her mouth slightly quivering at the motions of my arms, perhaps out of feeling tickled.

    I had dozed off for a while before I realized that I had a firm grip on her. I turned my back towards her, and I could hear her soft gasp. Taking deep breaths, I readied myself to carry her.

    One, two, thr—

    Everything suddenly became a blur. The grass dissolved into streaks of green, and the sky became blotches of white and blue. The building was no more than a splash of gray, and the sun was nothing beyond a few dots of yellow.

    But what filled my vision was pink. Everything screamed pink, and it felt like pink was embracing every part of my body. I couldn’t see anything but a world of pink, and even when I closed my eyes, my vision was filled by pink.

    And then, a halt. And laughter.

    “Weeeee! That was fun!” I heard the little girl say in between breaths. “You’re so cute!”

    I looked at her, and her appearance had changed. Her hair was now very messy, with blades of grass and chunks of dirt in between her hair. Her forehead had beads of sweat that ran down her cheeks, which had lost some of its rosiness. Her pink clothes were now far from the neat ensemble she wore mere minutes ago.

    But her eyes still had the same twinkle, and her lips still donned the same smile.

    “I want to keep you! Can I keep you, Drifloon?”

    I stared at her blankly, for I didn’t know what to respond. Keep me, like a Pokemon owned by a trainer? I have certainly thought about that possibility more than once, and this wasn’t the first time that a trainer tried to catch me. But as I looked at her and her delicate form, her earnest smile, her pink self, I knew that this was the first time that the feeling was mutual.

    She wanted to keep me. I wanted to be kept.

    I gave her a smile, which translated to a bigger one in her own face. She immediately ran towards the building, screaming “Daddy! Daddy!” I stayed there, excited at the prospect of being owned by someone I knew I would enjoy spending time with, even if I had only met her that day.

    The next time I saw her, it was already sunset, and her smile was replaced by a frown.

    She approached me rather slowly, almost as if it was the first time she met me. Her back was slouched, as if she didn’t want to look at me. I could sense that something was bothering her, and that she was about to tell me what it was.

    “Daddy says I’m too young to own a Pokemon,” she said slowly.

    I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to take her with me, but I knew she wouldn’t be happy about that. And I wanted her to be happy.

    “But he did tell me that the wind pattern means that you’ll come again next week,” she said, a hint of positivity showing in her face. “Promise that we’ll play together again next Friday, okay?”

    I gave her a smile. She gave me a bigger smile in reply.

    “All right, I have to go back inside to help Daddy,” she said as she gave me a tight hug. I watched her pink self walk towards the building, occasionally looking at me to check if I was still there. When she reached her door, she looked at me and gave me a wave, and I waved back.

    Maybe next Friday, I thought.
  2. Inconspicuosaurus

    Inconspicuosaurus Bone-ified dinosaur

    Hi! I want to start by saying I've been away from the FF community here for a long time, and I hope this is a sign of the kind of thing that is being written here nowadays because it's exactly the kind of thing I like. You took a seemingly unassuming, oft-ignored part of a game and made it into something interesting, colourful, and fun to read.

    And speaking of colourful, I like the pink theme. I sometimes wonder what animals must think of humans with their bright, artificial colours that would never occur in real life. It must be strange when your whole world is browns and greens and suddenly there's a guy in a bright orange t-shirt wondering through your forest. Of course, it's probably not as pronounced in the Pokemon world, what with Pokemon themselves often being brightly coloured, but nevertheless I think you captured that concept very well with the kind of mesmerising effect the girl's outfit had on the Drifloon. There were a couple of times I thought maybe you used the word "pink" itself too many times, (a sprinkling of "it"s would have kept up the image without straining too hard I think), but all in all it was tasteful and worked well, mainly because you made sure to gave us a nice description of the outfit as well, instead of relying too heavily on just the sea-of-pink image.

    I also picked this piece because it was a one-shot and I unfortunately don't have the time to be reading continuing fics right now, and it is a great example of its kind. Nicely concise, but not without a well delivered message and sufficiently explored theme. Pokedex-based one shots are some of my favourites too. I love when people recognise that their little snippets of canon are so ripe for turning into fully-fledged stories, and then do so beautifully.

    A couple of other things I wanted to say are just a few little quibbles about wording. I don't understand what you meant by "Her socks that slightly peeped out of her feet." And also the "peeped out" immediately followed by "stuck out" sounds a little clunky to me. Apart from that, there were just a couple of times where you seemed t change tense a little strangely. I've never been entirely certain if there is a strict way to handle things that are continuous when they happen in a past-tense story, but what I would have said is:
    As said, I'm not sure if there's a hard and fast rule, or if it's a matter of personal preference, but that's what sounds better to me.

    Anyway, I hope that was helpful. I'll be on the look out for other stuff of yours when I have time again. :)
    bobandbill and Dramatic Melody like this.
  3. Funny you mention that, because I'm not as well-versed in the Fanfics of the forums as I used to be, and my fics are very sporadic for someone who writes them. XD I'm glad that you enjoyed it though!

    Thank you! That was one of the points I was worried about actually, because I didn't know where to stop with the Drifloon's fascination over the pinkness of the girl. I'm glad that you commented on my description, though, since it's been something I've been working on a lot since I started writing, so thank you :)

    I think the fics that expand something that's unexplored in canon are the most worthwhile to read, since at the heart of it that's where all fan fiction comes out off. And if you like Pokedex-based stories, then you really have to read Ysavryl's entire collection of Pokedex One-shots. There's a lot of awesome material there!

    Ah, thank you for those catches! I think adding "had" is right, seeing as those sentences could use some structuring, and using the past perfect tense would work.

    Thank you very much for the review, JammyU! :)
    JX Valentine likes this.
  4. Inconspicuosaurus

    Inconspicuosaurus Bone-ified dinosaur

    My pleasure! I'm just glad it was useful. I thought I might be a bit rusty ;) And yeah, reading this actually reminded me of Ysavryl's thread and I looked it up. The sheer number of stories she's completed since I was last around is overwhelming o.o I actually contributed to the thread once, and I'm in talks with her at the moment to see about me writing some more and getting the thread going again. So thanks for reminding me of the awesomeness of Pokedex One-shots. XD
  5. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Ah, I always enjoy reading your one-shots, DM. =)

    This isn't an exception either. Neat shot of life about that Driftloon and the girl-and-father living in the Valley Windworks (if that's what it is called from memory, too lazy to check, haha).

    I do agree with JammyU that it was a neat concept to play around in what Pokémon think about people wearing clothing; only a few other Pokémon have such material (or appear to anyway, heh). I also would agree that maybe a few alternatives could have been used for the word pink as it did get used an awful lot. On that note, I would say that I am unsure about the early paragraph full of description of her. Not the description itself, but how each sentence started 'Her'. It did feel listy, but I do also see that it was intentional, and it did sort of work. Nonetheless, maybe consider seeing how it sounds if you reworded it? Worth a consideration I suppose!
    This particular part... I really liked the first sentence - good idea to compare her to another Pokémon! But 'sunny day' was repeated in quick succession here, along with 'sunnier' to boot, so maybe a reword or just rearrangement of sentences would help.

    That part when it took her for a flight certainly had an element of magic to it. Nothing to worry about in the description in that part, imo. And I also liked the lines about her coming back to tell the news that she cannot keep the Driftloon; I feel that lead up to it pretty well.

    I laughed at this, along with the Pokémon's reaction, haha.
    Although the earlier paragraph I mentioned is up to debate, here I feel more strongly that starting each sentence here with 'She ___' was repetitive and not to any useful effect.

    Also, 'from all the live children I have encountered'? Oh dear, I'm now worried about the number of dead children encountered. XD
    I think you had this issue in previous works too. You'd want to use she and her instead of the capitalised versions, as those parts directly refer to the dialogue and do not stand by themselves as separate sentences. ('Her father said happily.' for example doesn't sound right; it needs the dialogue to make sense, and so you should treat it as part of the dialogue in a larger sentence and hence forgo the capital.) There's another instance shortly after of this mistake as well.
    Smile twice was also repetitive, even if slightly nitpicky on my part.

    Nice work overall. =)
    Dramatic Melody likes this.
  6. Hey bobandbill! It's been a while! :D Yes, it's called the Valley Windworks.

    Ah, duly noted. I'm wondering if I should find different shades of pink for it or if I should restructure the sentences in such a way that I don't end up using the word very often. Leaning towards the latter but that's more work XD

    Yep, I wanted to make that paragraph have that kind of listy feeling since I would think that the Drifloon would approach it that way--it would point out every detail about her that stood out. I agree with your points about the repetitiveness though and I'll take note of them. Same with the "she" paragraph and "smile" sentence you point out. :)

    I was a bit worried about this actually. Debated whether or not to keep it short and sweet or long and emotional, and when I decided to go for the former I hoped that it still had the same emotional resonance that the latter option could give. Glad you liked it though!

    And yes, I imagine it's taken a lot of dead children with it. Ahahaha

    Ah, I always get confused with this. It doesn't help that a lot of my writing recently is similar to what I do in "Berries" in that the dialogue doesn't require tags like this. :)) Thanks for pointing it out!

    Thank you very much for the review bobandbill! I really appreciate it :D

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