A Journey To Remember!

[Shadow Lucario]

Saw this pop up at the top a few times and decided to check in. I noticed it lacked an actual review so here you go.

I wake up in the morning with 8 paws on my chest and 2 noses sniffing my face. I open my eyes and see the faces of my Poochyena and Zigzagoon light up with excitement that I have awoken. I turn on my side as they try to lick my face to see my parents standing there with a packed bag and.... is that.... a pokedex?!

Present tense. Kind of risky if you ask me. Any number under 100 must be written out so instead of 8 it should be eight. This last part just bugged me. It might be my dislike in present tense, but who knows.

My face goes a mixture of happy and serious.

This is, well, not great. How can a face be an emotion? Oh wait, you meant the expression. It would be nice to include that. Instead you could write, My facial expression instantly changed to one in between happiness and seriousness. Or something like that.

It’s a beautiful summer morning, with a family of Pidgey’s and Pidgeotto’s flying with their Pidgeot parents.

There is nothing possessive here. The apostrophes are not needed.

“Thats not gunna happen this time! Poochie, Ziggy, let’s battle!”

Contraction. Apostrophe needed.

Me and my Matt walk into the street and some of the block gathers.

First thing wrong with this is that in the first person, you always mention yourself last. This should be Matt and I. Secondly, you forgot to delete my. The third thing is just something that bugs me. Instead of and some you could use as some.

Matt lines up Machop and Paras up.

Two ups. Take one out.

“Machop, Karate Chop! Paras leech life!”

Two things:

1. There needs to be a comma after Paras.
2. Why capitalize Karate Chop, but not Leech Life?

Very short chapter. So short it breaks the rules. Psychic already warned you about that though. I applaud her. She does her job well. Moving on.

Chapter 2

He runs like the wind, and then stops quickly, kicking up a Sand Attack

This is the kind of writing you want to avoid. Describe the attack instead of just using the name. There are obvious exceptions to this such as Tackle where the Pokemon literally tackles them.

“Conor! I have a great idea!” She exclaimed.

Lowercase she.

Chapter 3

After a few seconds, my Grandpa and his Castform came to the door.

Since grandpa is not being used as a proper noun it is lowercase.

He is a bit of a weather freak, so he likes knowing tomarrow’s forecast in advance.

Tomorrow's.

“Good luck.” He says.

Comma before end quotation, lowercase he.

Chapter 4

They collide so hard, a cloud of dust gets kicked up.

I'm having trouble understanding how those attacks made a cloud of dust erupt into the air.

The referee called out “Challenger: One. Leader: Zero. Currently ahead is the challenger, Conor.”

You're missing a comma after out.

“Good game so far, Conor.”

His grandma just called GG...Comma before end quotation, not period.

Chapter 5

Then, without warning, my grandma screamed "Azumarill! Quick, use Water
Gun!"

There's a weird spacing here. It continued on the next line. Might want to fix that. Also, a comma is missing after screamed.

Outside those lines, where a pool and a few garden decorations

Were.

Chapter 6

It’s name was Murkrow. It’s Pokedex entry specifically said that it loves to steal and collect shiny things.

Its. This was the first time I saw you mess up on that.

and bit Murkrow with his Icy Fangs.

Not capitalized.

This needs...a lot of work. None of the characters have any depth. I don't even know what they look like. As of now they're all just blobs to me. The only description given of the region was that it was an island...and that was all. Is it mostly forested? Does a desert cover it all? The speed at which it is moving is also kind of fast. This is probably due to your ridiculously short chapters. As Psychic already told you, the minimum is two pages in MS Word, but why not shoot for more? That gives more room for character development, action, plot twists, and more. Your entire cast of characters are completely flat. They only have one emotion; happiness. It just strikes me as odd that no one is ever bummed or sad.

The two battles you've had so far have been boring to say the least. I can get over Machop's loss because type advantage isn't everything, but how did Conor win against his grandmother with such little training? Conor himself even admitted that Poocheyena was weak. The round with Azumarill was even worse. Zigzagoon randomly learned a move (an HM move he doesn't learn naturally by the way) and uses it to perfection without any practice. Also, their sudden evolution irks me. Why evolve when chasing Murkrow and not in the battle against the leader? I would have had less problems with it then.

There is a lot to work on (characters, development, description, etc), but that doesn't make it impossible to do. Flesh out your characters and your story. Lengthen the chapters so you have more wiggle room. And don't forget to read the chapter over before posting. That will stop the little mistakes from popping up. I wish you luck. If you have any questions then VM or PM me. I am always available and will always reply. Until next time.

 

[ysmr97]

IM sorry for all the minor grammetical errors. And, in the anime, there is no such thing as TM's or HM's, yet pokemon know surf. Also, in the anime there are random dust clouds when two attacks collide, just like my fan fic. And for the sudden evolution, they have just worked extremely hard at their 1st badge, and a Pokemon has taken it. It is too fast for them, so to be able to retreive it, they evolved. And can u point out where I state that Poochie was weak? But, thanks for the negative criticism. I can only improve.

 

[Dragonfree]

I hope not, because that was a flagrantly rule-breaking post. Treat critics with respect even if you disagree with them; it's in the rules. Yes, even critics who aren't mods, who have every bit as much of a right to say what they honestly think.

 

[Shadow Lucario]

And can u point out where I state that Poochie was weak?

Poochyena was weak. This is the hardest it’s ever battled. Taken straight from chapter 4. Unless you meant to say that he was weak from battling then my point stands. IF you did mean weak from battling then I apologize about the misconception.

 

[ysmr97]

oh sorry I meant he was weak from battleing. Ill change that l8r.

 

[ysmr97]

Chapter 7

After the wild goos-, er, Murkrow chase, I decided the best way to celebrate the evolution of two of my Pokemon, and the addition of a new friend, would be to have a good old-fashioned picnic.

First, let me explain what my town is like. I live in Agtosu Town. It is a diverse town, with some suburban neighborhoods, some houses and restaurants on the beach, with an abundance of Alomomola and Goldeen, and, in the middle, a large preserve of forest and a lake. Can you name a better place for a day trip? So, I packed a basket full of food, and started to walk to the Agtosu Forest.

It was a beautiful summer morning. The sun was out, not a cloud in sight, but there was a gentle breeze that blew through my neat, brown hair.

After about 10 minutes of walking, I reached the park, but I was not quite at our usual spot. I found the narrow clearing in between two trees that Ziggy, Poochie and I found about 2 years ago. I followed an extremely tight path, which only the three of us have ever walked on. Then, I climbed a very steep slope, that was so close to a right angle it was almost impossible to tell the difference. Finally, I came to this small creek, which I crossed on some stepping stones. I came to a beautiful field on the other side of the creek, surrounded by forest and filled with flowers.

“Ok guys! Come on out!” I yelled as I tossed my pokeballs into the air, releasing my three Pokemon.

“Lin- Linoone!”

“Yen- Yen!”

“Mur- Murkrow!”

I let them all run about, as I sat down. Coming here really reminded me of how I got Linoone and Mightyena.

I was 13 years old. I was with a couple of friends at a breeding convention held in Agtosu. I saw a man sitting in a lawn chair, with a Linoone and Mightyena at both his sides. He was about 50 years old or so, with silver colored hair. The second he saw me he jumped up.

“Hey! I know you! You're the son of the Rentoh region champion, Michael!” He exclaimed. “You’re his son, Condor, right?!”

“Conor.” I corrected him, halfheartedly. “And yes. I am.”

“Oh wow!!! What a great honor!” He said, talking about a mile a minute. He raced to shake my hand. “Hey, so do you wanna be a Pokemon master like your dad?!”

That was a random question I thought to myself. “Um... I actually would...”

“I knew it! I knew it!!!” He screamed. “Hey, Cornelius, I want you to have something!”

I fought back the urge to correct him. He suddenly pulled out two Pokemon eggs, which are about 1 and a half feet tall. One egg had a zig-zaggy design on it. The zig-zags were alternating colors between brown and tan. The other egg had a gray base color, with black tops.

“Here, Conrad,” He has a bad habit with forgetting names. “Take these, so you can become champion!”

He handed me both the large eggs as my friends looked on in astonishment.

“Th- Thanks sir! Thanks very much!”

“Don’t mention it Collin! Well, except to your dad of course!” He exclaimed, jokingly. Well, at least I THINK it was jokingly.

“Thanks again sir!”

I never saw him again. I tried to. Later that day I came back to give him some money, but he wasn’t there. I did leave it there. I am a very nice and polite kid.

Also, that day, I remember something ELSE happening. A neighborhood bully was being mean to my 9 year old little brother. When I saw that, I flipped. I definitely did NOT show any niceness. I lost my temper. I started to scream and yell, and before I knew it, I was hitting him. My dad, who heard from inside, had to pull me away.

I came out of my little flashback when I felt the wetness of Linoone’s nose. He placed a nice flower, a yellow and blue one, at my feet, and started to nudge me. It then occurred to me that Linoone’s personality has changed since its evolution. It has always been a kind Pokemon, but it has turned into an absolute sweetheart. I thanked the little guy, and just like that, he was off, to play with his friends. What a kind and polite pokemon...

To be continued....

Current party: ;264; ;262; ;198;

 

[Shadow Lucario]

First, let me explain what my town is like. I live in Agtosu Town. It is a diverse town, with some suburban neighborhoods, some houses and restaurants on the beach, with an abundance of Alomomola and Goldeen, and, in the middle, a large preserve of forest and a lake. Can you name a better place for a day trip? So, I packed a basket full of food, and started to walk to the Agtosu Forest.

Listy description. Not very good. You want to describe, not list. I am not sure what Pokemon this is. I'm not too informed on the fifth generation. Is this the one that looks like Luvdisc or is it the jellyfish one? A quick description of the creatures help.

The sun was out, not a cloud in sight, but there was a gentle breeze that blew through my neat, brown hair.

This just sounds awkward to me. Probably due to the first part. It needs some rewording.

After about 10 minutes of walking

Numerals that are under one hundred need to be written out so it would be ten.

Then, I climbed a very steep slope, that was so close to a right angle it was almost impossible to tell the difference.

If it's close to a right angle, then it would be impossible to climb.

“Conor.”

The period needs to be a comma.

He said, talking about a mile a minute.

Lowercase he.

He suddenly pulled out two Pokemon eggs, which are about 1 and a half feet tall.

Flashback in present tense? I smell a tense change.

He has a bad habit with forgetting names.

And once again.

Also, that day, I remember something ELSE happening. A neighborhood bully was being mean to my 9 year old little brother. When I saw that, I flipped. I definitely did NOT show any niceness. I lost my temper. I started to scream and yell, and before I knew it, I was hitting him. My dad, who heard from inside, had to pull me away.

You could have done so much with this concept, but you just let it stay in a six sentence paragraph. This could have been a few pages. Also, you might want to change or take out this. It's not strongly worded nor does it really contribute. The sentence before that already established that he wasn't going to be nice. Hell, the sentence before that one establishes that.

There wasn't much gained from this chapter. We just learned that his Pokemon were random gifts for no apparent reason. It was lazily done as there could have been a lot more depth to it, but it stopped very short of that. Kid walks by old man, old man gives him eggs, end of story. Just like the bully thing, you could have done so much with that concept, but you just halfassed it and decided to leave it flat and boring. Your character even remains the same. We don't get another side, or some insight into what he's like. Also, what exactly is the plot because so far I don't seem to know. Am I stupid or have we not reached that point yet? You need to make this fic stand out on its own. There have been tons of journey fics, but what separates yours from the rest? Until next time.

 

[Chapter]

I agree with a lot of things above (for once. Am I right, Lucario? XD) There are a lot of tense changes above. I understand all of them, but generally its good to keep to one tense. If you are going into a flashback, then you should hit enter/return twice or three times, depending on where the line ends. Like this.


Now, instead of hitting it once or twice, again, depending on your line, there is a bigger space in between, representing a time or scene change, or both.

“Here, Conrad.” He has a bad habit with forgetting names. “Take these, so you can become champion!”

-

Lowercase he. / And once again.

Actually, I think the, "He had a bad habit of forgetting names." Was a different sentence entirely, just Conor thinking to himself. And, since that weirdo was the only one talking on that line, it works. Oh, unless your talking about tense change. Past to present in some parts, for example, here.

That was a random question I thought to myself. “Um... I actually would...”

The, "I thought to myself," shouldn't be italicized.

 

[ysmr97]

Thanks chapter. also ATTENTION FANS! I am making replicas of the pokemon in the fanfic available in B/W and B2/W2. Exact abilities and moves, AND a 'Conor' OT. PM me if you are interested!

 

[Chapter]

U mean a Conor OT? And cool + thanks. When is the next chapter, and how will Conor take care of 2 eggs!? Finalamente, I love it so far. XD

 

[ysmr97]

Chapter 8

I watched my three pokemon playing with a tennis ball, chewing it and pawing it. Once in awhile, trying to cause mischief, Murkrow would pick it up in his talons, and fly it JUST out of the reach of Linoone and Mightyena. That actually made me chuckle a bit.

I suddenly thought that it would be a good time to train my Pokemon to learn new moves. I looked through my Pokedex to find moves that I could teach them. These are called TM’s. What happens is that your Pokedex’s screen plays an image of a Smeargle using a certain move. You show this to your pokemon, and they try to replicate it. It’s a bit confusing, but worth the trouble.

So I looked at each of of my Pokemon’s species’ pokedex entries. Hmmm..... I thought to myself. Well, Mightyena could use a Special attacking move. He already has TONS of Physical ones.... Oh! Snarl looks good!

So I loaded the TM video on to the Pokedex and had Mightyena watch. The Smeargle on the tape began to growl, and then shot dark-purple sound waves from its mouth. It flew through the air for nearly 12 feet, and then hit the test dummy that they use for all the TM movies.

“Mightyena, can YOU do what the Smeargle just did?” I asked in a loving, soft voice.

He nodded a bit and stepped back. He began to growl, like the Smeargle in the TM movie. Then, a very small circular voice wave, about a tenth of the size of Smeargle’s, shot out from his mouth. After it traveled in the air for about 2 feet, it dissolved.

A look of sadness washed over Mightyena’s canine-like face. The Bite Pokemon started to bark and growl, and then tried the move over and over again. Again and again, the move failed.

“Mightyena! It’s fine!” I said sympathetically. “It’ll take some time, but you’ll get it!”

But he didn’t listen. He just kept on doing his own thing. He wasn’t always THAT hard headed.

So while Mightyena was practicing Snarl, I decided to move on to Murkrow, who appeared to be smirking and half-chuckling at Mighty’s failure.

“Come on Murkie! Let’s try this move! It’s called Psychic,” I said to my newest friend.

The film started and displayed a Smeargle with a red tail-tip. Suddenly his eyes glew with a pink color. He stared at the test dummy and then threw it in the air like a rag doll. It flew almost 10 feet in the air, and stayed there. Then he forcefully threw it to the ground, throwing up dust. Then, the video ended.

“Murkrow? Can you try that please?” I picked up pebbles from around the park and grouped them together. “Use Psychic on these rocks.”

Murkrow nodded as Mightyena was again and again trying to perfect the move Snarl.

Murkrow spread its dark, black wings, and his eyes turned pink. He focused on the rocks, and a faint aura, matching the exact shade as Murkrow’s eyes, surrounded them. They levitated a few inches into the air, and then came down. I turned to Murkrow, who then collapsed in exhaustion.

I ran over to him, picked him up, and help him in my arms.

“Good job buddy!” I said enthusiastically. “You just about had it!”

I layed him down for a nice rest and took out my Pokedex one last time. I picked a move for Linoone that was perfect for him, on account of his big heart and caring nature. I scrolled through the TM list, and found the move Attract.

“Here Linoone. Watch this.”

The polite Pokemon quickly obeyed. On the screen was a Smeargle with a green tail-tip. He opened his arms up, and a ring of hearts floated between his hands, circling around and around. He then pivoted his waist to the right, then slung back, releasing the hearts. The hit the dummy, and disintegrated.

Linoone stood on his hind legs, and did something that truly amazed me. He opened his paws, and giant hearts, EXACTLY like the ones the Smeargle made, were formed. He then pivoted his waist, and launched the hearts, they sailed into the air, and hit a poor Weedle, hanging from a nearby tree. It’s eyes were replaced by hearts, and it was immobilized.

Linoone perfected the move on the first try.

To be continued......

Current Party: ;264; ;262; ;198;

 

[Chapter]

Uhh... K.

1) Where's my pic?! DX
2) That was pretty short. After a long time of no chapters, I must say that I'm disappointed at the small chapter with almost no purpose. Hooray, they learned new moves. Though there was good description and few errors, I would've liked to see more. Sorry.

~Chapter

 

[ysmr97]

Uhh... K.

1) Where's my pic?! DX
2) That was pretty short. After a long time of no chapters, I must say that I'm disappointed at the small chapter with almost no purpose. Hooray, they learned new moves. Though there was good description and few errors, I would've liked to see more. Sorry.

~Chapter

It's COMPLETELY fine. I understand. And i'm using the pic as my sig. I just don't know how to put it in! XD sorry for the boringness, thats why it took me so long to right! I felt like i needed a chapter dedicated to learning new moves, because of prior complaints of learning TM's out of no where. I used this chapter to introduce MY spin on TM's, explore character depth in the Pokemon, and, mostly because I felt as the previous chapters were all action. Chapter 1 and 2) Fight 4 and 5) Gym battle 6) Evolutions and new pokemon. I felt as if it all happened too quick. Don't worry, chapters 9 and 10 will be jammed with action as for the length, that is the 2nd or 3rd longest chapter, and is the standard 2 page Word requirment. Thanks for the critisizm.

-Ysmr97

 

[Chapter]

not a prob! lol. no, i understand. it looks good, like, ur plan. gl w/ this.

 

[ysmr97]

Chapter 9

I stared at Linoone, dumbfounded. Unlike my other two Pokemon, Linoone perfected his TM on the first try.

“Great job Linoone!!!” I said as I tackled and hugged him. “You learned a new move! Attract!”

The Pokemon, just now realizing what he has accomplished, filled with emotion, and started to lick my face. I laughed while playfully pushing him around. But, suddenly, a sharp, electronic beeping came from my Pokedex. It was four o’clock! The time completely escaped me.

“Guys! We have to go! It’s almost time for dinner, and I want to get to bed early so we can start our journey tomorrow!”

But I received no response. Mightyena was still trying to correctly execute Snarl, Murkrow was out cold, and Linoone was dancing around like an idiot, doing his own little jig in celebration of his newly learnt move.

“GUYS!!!” I yelled, probably TOO loud.

Suddenly, they looked up (with the exception of Murkrow) and stopped what they were doing. They helped me pack up, and I returned Murkrow to his Pokeball.

We started to walk home. We left Agtosu Forest and entered the town, as Mightyena walked to my left and Linoone to my right. Suddenly, Mightyena’s ears sprang up, and he started to growl.

“What is it boy? What did you hear?” Mightyena’s have very acute hearing.

Suddenly, I heard a familiar, feminine voice far away.

“Help! Help me!” The girl yelled.

Mightyena recognized the voice even before I did, and started sprinting ahead, to save the girl. The girl was my sister.

“Linoone, that’s Ciara!” I yelled. “Run!”
We started to run after her voice and after the barking of Mightyena.

We ran for about a minute or two, and when I mean ran, we RAN! When we got there, we saw Ciara, with her back to a brick wall of an alleyway and a look of horror on her face. In front of her was a shady looking guy, about fifteen, like me, and at Luxio on his side. He had long, greasy hair, and was wearing grey jeans and a thin green hoodie. On the ground were my sisters Phanpy and Wingull, fainted, the latter quivering with electricity. The Luxio growled, and my Pokedex heard it. Automatically, it brought up it’s entry.

“Luxio, the Spark Pokemon, and the evolution of Shinx. Strong electricity courses through the tips of it’s sharp claws. A sharp scratch can cause fainting in foes.” The electronic Pokemon encyclopedia said.

Suddenly, Ciara noticed me. so Unfortunately, so did her attacker.

“Conor! You’re here!” She yelled. “Help! He’s trying to steal my Pokemon!”

“Be quiet!” He yelled at her. “Who is this weakling. Is this your weakling Mightyena?” He said, chuckling.

I then just noticed Mightyena standing there, growling.

He then turned to Luxio and said, “Finish the weakling with Thunderbolt.”

I watched in horror as Luxio opened his mouth, and sparks formed. Suddenly, I felt an intense trembling in my pocket. Out popped a white burst of light, that formed into a very tired and aggravated Murkrow. His eyes turned pink, and an insanely vague pink aura formed around Luxio. The Spark Pokemon appeared startled as it floated about two feet into the air. I stared at Murkrow, and you can see that it took ALL of his his might to hold the lion-like Pokemon in midair. Suddenly, I heard a monstrous growl, followed by and ear popping bark, and I watched in awe as a perfectly circular sound wave hit the floating Luxio, and flung him into the brick wall. Murkrow then fell like a rag doll. The once beautiful red stone was now a cracked mess. As if the poor thing hasn’t been through enough, Linoone leaned forward, and the hair on his back started to shoot at Luxio like bullets.

“Hey! That’s not fair!” The attacker cried out. “Luxio!”

“Hey, your Pokemon is evil. Just like you!” I yelled at him. “You probably stole HIM from some other trainer!”
“It’s a HER!” He cried out with a sudden burst of compassion for his Pokemon. “And I did NOT steal her! She’s my best friend!!!”

I suddenly felt kind of guilty, but quickly remembered him trying to steal my sister’s pokemon.

He turned to my sister and, with tears welling in his eyes, said, “You’re gunna PAY!”

He made fists outta both his hands, and held them eye-level. He began to walk towards her. Out of nowhere, a deep growl filled the alley. I watched in horror as Mightyena lunged forward and dug his teeth deep into the back of his calf.

“AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” He screamed.

He kicked Mightyena away and picked up his beaten up friend.

“C’mon, little girl.” He said weeping a bit. “It’ll be ok. Let’s get us patched up.”

He then turned to me, tears running down his face.

“You’ll pay for this, Conor,” He yelled through his teeth.

He ran away, holding up some offensive hand signs until he turned the corner.

I turned to my sister. The look on her face was almost indescribable. I don’t think she has processed what just happened yet. She ran up to me and threw her arms around my neck, shaking a bit.

“Thank you so so much, Conor!” She said. “He, he was trying to steal my Pokemon!”

She returned her fainted Wingull and Phanpy to their Pokeballs.

“You're welcome! I’m glad you’re O.K! Oh, by the way, meet my new Pokemon!” I gestured to my team. “ You remember Ziggy and Poochie! Well they evolved! And see that Pokemon fast asleep over there? That’s my Murkrow!”

“Oh hey guys!” She said, getting down to their level. “Thank you guys SO much for saving me! Without you, your friends Phanpy and Wingull would have been stolen!”

“C’mon, let’s go home,” I said to her. “I want to have one last home-cooked meal before I start my journey.”

To be continued....

Current Party: ;264; ;262; ;198;

Ciara: ;278; ;231;

???: ;404;

 

[Chapter]

Nice. New chapter.

like me, and at Luxio on his side.

Should be an, "a".

Suddenly, Ciara noticed me. so Unfortunately, so did her attacker.

What?

“GUYS!!!” I yelled, probably TOO loud.

Try to use italics rather than CAPS because CAPS seem less real, or kiddish.

“Hey, your Pokemon is evil. Just like you!” I yelled at him. “You probably stole HIM from some other trainer!”
“It’s a HER!” He cried out with a sudden burst of compassion for his Pokemon. “And I did NOT steal her! She’s my best friend!!!”

Lots of CAPS. Also, how is he evil? He's just a thug, not like, a villain.

He made fists outta both his hands, and held them eye-level.

Should be, "out of both of his".

“It’ll be ok. Let’s get us patched up.”

"Ok," should be a full, "okay".

He ran away, holding up some offensive hand signs until he turned the corner.

I can't imagine this without laughing. Try to reword this sentence.

I’m glad you’re O.K

Again with the OK.

Overall it was good. Lots of good depth shown, and I like the end. (Don't see how your bro teared up at the end though...) Can't wait for next chapter. And thank you for the link to Inferno Productions. XD XD XD

Byee for now!

 

[ysmr97]

Thanks Chapter. And the point of the "running away holding up the finger" WAS to make you laugh. It was supposed to add a little lightness to a sad/scary moment.

 

[ysmr97]

Chapter 10

Ciara and I began to walk along the road with all of our Pokemon in Pokeballs.

“Actually, Conor, can we make a stop at Grandma’s house?” Ciara asked. “That’s where I was headed before the guy tried to steal my Pokemon!”

“Oh, okay!” I said enthusiastically. “I hope there are no hard feelings on how bad I beat her yesterday!”

“Wait, you beat GRANDMA?!” the thirteen-year old said, obviously shocked. “Like, Grandma the gym leader?!”

“Mhm,” I hummed with pride. “Want to see my badge?”

Before she answered, I pulled out the shiny badge, with a large black paw-print taking up most of the badge.

“Whoa!” She exclaimed. “Great job!” I began to tell her about the battle, and how Murkrow stole the badge.

We laughed and told stories, and before we knew it, we were at my grandparent’s house.

I knocked on the door, and Grandpa answered.

“Hey! If it isn’t the Rentoh League champ!” my Grandpa laughed. He’s a BIG jokester.

“Hey Grandpa!” Ciara and I say in almost perfect unison.

Suddenly, my grandma runs into the room, excited as I’ve ever seen her.

“Ciara! Come quick!” she exclaims. She then notices me. “Oh, hey Conor!”

All three of us run through the house, exit through the door, cross the battlefield (which is still considerably damp from Ziggy’s Surf attack yesterday, and into the shed. In the shed, was a little Pokemon, that looked like a giant seed. I reached into my back pocket for my Pokedex.

“Budew, the Bud Pokemon. Sensitive to changing temperature, the bud blooms when it's warm, releasing pollen,” the Pokedex stated.

“Wow! What a cutie,” Ciara said.

“Well, she just hatched this morning, from an egg that my friend gave to me,” Grandma started. “I already have a Roselia, and, well, I thought she’d be a perfect partner for you.”

Ciara’s face lit up with happiness. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!!!” she exclaimed, hugging Grandma.

“Oh you’re welcome dear,” she said modestly. “Did you hear about your brother? He have me one of the best battles I’ve had in a WHILE!’

“I did Grandma!” Ciara said, turning to me. “How does it feel to be the newest receiver of the Lovely Badge?”

“Actually, he isn’t,” my grandma interrupted. “A boy about your age with a Luxio beat me this morning. Luke, was it? He was pretty good, but very rude.”

My sister and I looked at each other with a look of horror on each of our faces. We told my grandmother the story of Ciara almost getting mugged. It looked as if it broke her heart.

“Let’s call the police!” she said. “I know his name.”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Ciara said. “I’m safe, and that’s all that matters.”

We sat on the couch for a half an hour or so, and then we left. Our house was close, so it only took about ten minutes of walking. When we got there, we opened the door and found my parents cooking dinner.

“Mom, Dad, look at my new Pokemon!” Ciara exclaimed, releasing Budew.

“Very nice!” My Dad said.

“How cute!” My Mom said.

We gave them both hugs, and we sat at the table, waiting for dinner. Soon, my brother Liam, and our friend Liam walked inside with their Pokemon. My LJ (which is what we call my brother for short) had his Trapinch, and Liam had his Growlithe. Boy, was LJ’s Trapinch a TROUBLE MAKER! Once, after my Dad planted a whole garden, Trapinch dug it all up, and snickered after doing it!

“Hey LJ, hey Liam,” I say.

“Hey!” they say together. LJ is eleven, while Liam is thirteen.

“Mom, can Liam stay for dinner?” LJ asks.

“Sure he can! As long as he doesn’t feed his Growlithe under the table!” she says, jokingly.

The two join us at the table, and wait for dinner.

“So.... we’ve been wondering,” Liam started to say.

“If you guys wanted to have a double battle together?” LJ spit out. “Liam and I versus you two? We can all use two of our pokemon, since you guys only have two.”

“Actually, we each have three now,” I say, as my Mom puts out dinner.

“How about a six on six?” Ciara says.

“You’re ON!” the Liam’s yell out.

We all start to shove our dinners in our mouths, run out into the street, and squaring up for a battle.

To be continued....

Current Party: ;264; ;262; ;198;

 

[Chapter]

Aaahhh! There I am, there I am! I have a Growlithe, woot!

Anyways, (snicker snicker) this chapter was really good. There wasn't a lot of action, but I found myself picking up my pace of reading as I read on. This chapter really drew me in, and the main characters show more personality as the story progresses.

I only found this main error.

“Oh you’re welcome dear,” she said modestly. “Did you hear about your brother? He have me one of the best battles I’ve had in a WHILE!’

Huh? I understand what you're saying... I think. LOL. Might wanna fix that.

Can't wait for the next chapter!

 

[ysmr97]

Thank you! That means a LOT to me

EDIT: Hey readers! I am probably starting Chapter 11 tomorrow. I have a hectic schedule, expecially with March around the corner, as I play drums in a Pipe Band, and am getting ready to march in the St. Packtrick's Day Parade in NYC. I apologize

-ysmr97