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A Journey To Remember!
- Thread starter ysmr97
- Start date
- Status
Put me on the PM list! Review in a few haven't read yet. Just saw the last post so :/ one sec
EDIT:
Huh? Bag on my bag? Light then I expected and not complaining? Im confused.
AWESOME CHAPTER! Very ah, realistic in a sense. Other than that one mistake above, nothing major. LOL Loved the entering route 1 thing, and it showed a lot of descriptions. Inspiring! Great work and keep it up!
EDIT:
Huh? Bag on my bag? Light then I expected and not complaining? Im confused.
AWESOME CHAPTER! Very ah, realistic in a sense. Other than that one mistake above, nothing major. LOL Loved the entering route 1 thing, and it showed a lot of descriptions. Inspiring! Great work and keep it up!
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TheSilentBang
Im An OxyMoron!
Put me on the PM list
NOW!
Really liked this chapter waiting for more!
NOW!
Really liked this chapter waiting for more!
ShiningKnightXY
<----Newest Shiny
Put me on the PM list
Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
Bag on my back maybe? Or shoulder?
So there wasn't a lot to this chapter. It was very short and not exactly descriptive. It was mostly dialogue and even that was lacking. The most description you gave on something was a tent. Instead of having this be a standalone chapter, this could have easily been just the beginning. There were a few things that I did not find too appealing.
This wasn't too much different than what happened in Black/White. Is your fan fiction just going to be the plot of those games? What's going to set it apart? Right now there isn't much of a plot and it's already been thirteen chapters. Is this what it's going to be like the entire time you're writing this?
This is very lazy writing. You could have described what was going on as they left, who they saw, if anyone said goodbye, when they left the house. It disappoints me to see you not try and flesh out your story and characters by opting to say, "Oh and they got here." What was the weather like? Were there any people out and about, did they see any Pokemon on the way?
Here's another example of it earlier on in the chapter. You could have at least described what they were talking about a little bit. In this situation it's not entirely necessary, but it could have given us more insight on both characters.
That's about it from me. Like I said, it was a short chapter. If this is what every chapter will be like then I don't know if I can continue reading. There's a lot to work on such as your plot, if there is one, characters, and description. Until next time.
Shadow Lucario said:
I have to disagree with this part. There's definitely a plot, it's just not organized. Several characters have been entered into the plot-line and they've also been introduced. He's also earned his first gym badge. There's a goal trapped behind a cage of words; he doesn't say it directly or that would be lazy writing.
I agree somewhat... But there isn't no plot, the plot just needs some work.
Yes, I agree with ysmr. I looked at a certain form rules and this is what I saw:
Also, your story is great. I like how you handle most of the battles and love the evolutions. The fact that it wasn't a gym battle was excellent. Just one small thing, try to avoid having 2 page chapters.
Also, your story is great. I like how you handle most of the battles and love the evolutions. The fact that it wasn't a gym battle was excellent. Just one small thing, try to avoid having 2 page chapters.
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Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
To joey1234, my reviews do not break any of the rules you bolded. But I'd like to point out this part of the rules:
The Fan Fiction Rules said:
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I'd like to stay out of it as it isn't so much about the story, and more off topic, but I suppose Shadow could be nicer.
~
Am I on the PM list? I am, right? If not I would like to be.
Also, when do you think we'll be seeing the next chapter?
~
Am I on the PM list? I am, right? If not I would like to be.
Also, when do you think we'll be seeing the next chapter?
Maybe that should be "we had reached Route 1"? I think that it sorta just flows better.
Chapter 14
I cupped my hand over my eyes to block the bright shining sun, rising over the eastern side Route One. A tan dirt path paved the way to Uirbeacha City, a beautiful metropolis that I could faintly see in the distance. Bunches of knee high grass were dotted along the route, and every few minutes, a Rattata or a Sandshrew darted out, scurried around, searched for some food, and ran back in.
“Wow, I can’t believe we are doing this,” said Liam, in awe.
“I know,” I replied back. “I can’t tell you how many years I’ve been dreaming for this...”
All of a sudden, as we walked down the Route, I flashed back to the day I met my Starter Pokemon, Ziggy and Poochie. It was about a week after I met the breeder who gave me my eggs, and I was messing around with the two Pokeballs I was to put my two new Pokemon in. I was growing impatient. See, most professional breeders have Eggubators. They are special incubators for Pokemon Eggs, so they can hatch faster. Well, we didn’t have one. So, I kinda made a makeshift one out of my comforter and some brand name Darumaka Handwarmers from the dollar store in town. Well, I just sat there, juggling the Pokeballs, throwing them in the air and catching them, and rolling them in between my fingers, when I heard a loud cracking sound. Excited, I turned my head almost at light speed to the eggs, but they were completely untouched. Then, I heard it again, and this time, I noticed it was coming from outside. So, I went downstairs, and walked out the back door to investigate. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find anything. Then, I heard it again. I waited a few seconds, and heard it again, this time a bit louder. I looked around the yard, and walked towards my father's training field. There, I saw him throwing stones to his Machamp, and Machamp Karate Chopping them in half with a loud crack. I sighed, turned around, and walked back into my room. I sat back down, and started playing with the two Pokeballs, when I almost had a heart attack. Laying on the floor was a jumbled comforter, and large egg shells stuck inside. No Pokemon.
Suddenly, I was shaken out of my flashback by Liam, asking me if I wanted a water. I looked around, we were already halfway to Uirbeacha! It was astounding!
“Yes please,” I replied, still shocked about how much ground we covered while I had daydreamed.
I took a small sip of water, which turned into downing the whole bottle. I guess I was thirsty. Another thing I didn’t notice.
“I was wondering guys,” Liam started. “What is your ultimate goal. Like, as a trainer?”
I smiled, and thought about it for a few seconds.
“Well, I want to win all eight badges, and hopefully win the Rentoh League... What about you guys?”
They both did the same as I, and thought for a few seconds.
“Well, I’ve always been interested in Shiny Pokemon,” Liam answered. “I want to collect some, and research what makes them that way. Is it magic, is it science? Who knows!”
We both stared at LJ.
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t really want to take on the gyms like I told Dad,” LJ revealed. “I just saw that you weren’t allowed to go with this Luke guy on the loose, so I made it up. I want to get more experience as a trainer, and then take it from there.”
“Wow,” I said, gaining a new respect for my younger brother. He may only be twelve, but he was as wise as me. “Thank you. That really means so much to me.”
“Please don’t mention it. It really works out for me. I get to travel the region with my best friend, brother, and Pokemon. What could be better?”
“Hey, I have another question,” said Liam.
“Shoot.”
“What’s your favorite thing about Pokemon?”
“Oh that’s easy!” LJ cried out. “I like playing games with mine. The looks on their faces while we play soccer are priceless.”
“Haha, thats a good one,” replied Liam. “I love the loyalty of your Pokemon. They’re always there for their trainer, no matter what.”
They both looked at me for my answer. Again, I pondered it a bit. But, I quickly came to my decision.
“Those are both great choice guys, but I have to say I love battling the best. I love the connection you feel between you and your Pokemon during a good battle. You can almost read each others minds.”
I stood there, satisfied with my thoughtful response. But, I was a little shocked when it was greeted with uncontrollable laughter.
“Haha! Here’s Conor, the Pokemon psychic!” mocked Liam.
“Haha yeah! You’re just like that psycho on the news who they just locked away in that mental institution! He said he could talk to Pokemon, and hear their thoughts! What was his name again?”
“N,” I replied sternly, my face turning a bright red color.
“Even his NAME is psycho!”
God, I was embarrassed. I hate being called out. I didn’t say another word the whole way to Uirbeacha. I just walked a few steps ahead, while they kept laughing and cracking jokes about N being my long lost brother. They were my closest friends, but they sure could be jerks.
For the rest of the walk, I just enjoyed the scenery. It was about 12 o’clock, and we had been walking for a good two and a half hours. I watched as a young trainer and his Rattata battled another trainer and his Magikarp. After his Rattata’s easy victory, the annoyingly peppy trainer exclaimed, “Yes! My Rattata’s in the TOP percentage.” I didn’t even know this kid, but I borderline hated him.
After another 15 minutes or so, we reached the gate to Uirbeacha. We began to walk through, but suddenly, a voice screamed at us.
“HALT!” it cried. “Put your hands up, and any weapons and/or Pokeballs on the ground.”
We all threw our hands into the air, and put all of our Pokeballs on the ground.
I turned to see three policemen with their guns drawn, and their partner Herdiers snarling, ready to attack at any moment.
“You fit the description of a wanted suspect, sir,” one barked, pointing at me. “Teenage boy, brown hair, about six feet tall. Please come with us.”
“This is all a big misunderst-”
“Sir! We require your full cooperation. Now come with us.”
To be continued...
I cupped my hand over my eyes to block the bright shining sun, rising over the eastern side Route One. A tan dirt path paved the way to Uirbeacha City, a beautiful metropolis that I could faintly see in the distance. Bunches of knee high grass were dotted along the route, and every few minutes, a Rattata or a Sandshrew darted out, scurried around, searched for some food, and ran back in.
“Wow, I can’t believe we are doing this,” said Liam, in awe.
“I know,” I replied back. “I can’t tell you how many years I’ve been dreaming for this...”
All of a sudden, as we walked down the Route, I flashed back to the day I met my Starter Pokemon, Ziggy and Poochie. It was about a week after I met the breeder who gave me my eggs, and I was messing around with the two Pokeballs I was to put my two new Pokemon in. I was growing impatient. See, most professional breeders have Eggubators. They are special incubators for Pokemon Eggs, so they can hatch faster. Well, we didn’t have one. So, I kinda made a makeshift one out of my comforter and some brand name Darumaka Handwarmers from the dollar store in town. Well, I just sat there, juggling the Pokeballs, throwing them in the air and catching them, and rolling them in between my fingers, when I heard a loud cracking sound. Excited, I turned my head almost at light speed to the eggs, but they were completely untouched. Then, I heard it again, and this time, I noticed it was coming from outside. So, I went downstairs, and walked out the back door to investigate. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find anything. Then, I heard it again. I waited a few seconds, and heard it again, this time a bit louder. I looked around the yard, and walked towards my father's training field. There, I saw him throwing stones to his Machamp, and Machamp Karate Chopping them in half with a loud crack. I sighed, turned around, and walked back into my room. I sat back down, and started playing with the two Pokeballs, when I almost had a heart attack. Laying on the floor was a jumbled comforter, and large egg shells stuck inside. No Pokemon.
Suddenly, I was shaken out of my flashback by Liam, asking me if I wanted a water. I looked around, we were already halfway to Uirbeacha! It was astounding!
“Yes please,” I replied, still shocked about how much ground we covered while I had daydreamed.
I took a small sip of water, which turned into downing the whole bottle. I guess I was thirsty. Another thing I didn’t notice.
“I was wondering guys,” Liam started. “What is your ultimate goal. Like, as a trainer?”
I smiled, and thought about it for a few seconds.
“Well, I want to win all eight badges, and hopefully win the Rentoh League... What about you guys?”
They both did the same as I, and thought for a few seconds.
“Well, I’ve always been interested in Shiny Pokemon,” Liam answered. “I want to collect some, and research what makes them that way. Is it magic, is it science? Who knows!”
We both stared at LJ.
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t really want to take on the gyms like I told Dad,” LJ revealed. “I just saw that you weren’t allowed to go with this Luke guy on the loose, so I made it up. I want to get more experience as a trainer, and then take it from there.”
“Wow,” I said, gaining a new respect for my younger brother. He may only be twelve, but he was as wise as me. “Thank you. That really means so much to me.”
“Please don’t mention it. It really works out for me. I get to travel the region with my best friend, brother, and Pokemon. What could be better?”
“Hey, I have another question,” said Liam.
“Shoot.”
“What’s your favorite thing about Pokemon?”
“Oh that’s easy!” LJ cried out. “I like playing games with mine. The looks on their faces while we play soccer are priceless.”
“Haha, thats a good one,” replied Liam. “I love the loyalty of your Pokemon. They’re always there for their trainer, no matter what.”
They both looked at me for my answer. Again, I pondered it a bit. But, I quickly came to my decision.
“Those are both great choice guys, but I have to say I love battling the best. I love the connection you feel between you and your Pokemon during a good battle. You can almost read each others minds.”
I stood there, satisfied with my thoughtful response. But, I was a little shocked when it was greeted with uncontrollable laughter.
“Haha! Here’s Conor, the Pokemon psychic!” mocked Liam.
“Haha yeah! You’re just like that psycho on the news who they just locked away in that mental institution! He said he could talk to Pokemon, and hear their thoughts! What was his name again?”
“N,” I replied sternly, my face turning a bright red color.
“Even his NAME is psycho!”
God, I was embarrassed. I hate being called out. I didn’t say another word the whole way to Uirbeacha. I just walked a few steps ahead, while they kept laughing and cracking jokes about N being my long lost brother. They were my closest friends, but they sure could be jerks.
For the rest of the walk, I just enjoyed the scenery. It was about 12 o’clock, and we had been walking for a good two and a half hours. I watched as a young trainer and his Rattata battled another trainer and his Magikarp. After his Rattata’s easy victory, the annoyingly peppy trainer exclaimed, “Yes! My Rattata’s in the TOP percentage.” I didn’t even know this kid, but I borderline hated him.
After another 15 minutes or so, we reached the gate to Uirbeacha. We began to walk through, but suddenly, a voice screamed at us.
“HALT!” it cried. “Put your hands up, and any weapons and/or Pokeballs on the ground.”
We all threw our hands into the air, and put all of our Pokeballs on the ground.
I turned to see three policemen with their guns drawn, and their partner Herdiers snarling, ready to attack at any moment.
“You fit the description of a wanted suspect, sir,” one barked, pointing at me. “Teenage boy, brown hair, about six feet tall. Please come with us.”
“This is all a big misunderst-”
“Sir! We require your full cooperation. Now come with us.”
To be continued...
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Shadow Lucario
Lone Vanguard
This might sound better if it was written as the eastern side of Route One. Just a suggestion. Your choice if you want to switch it or not.
I always say this wrong in my head. I know it. Gah!
Since it's a flashback (sort of) this should be didn't.
Since this is possessive you need an apostrophe after the r.
Once again, I said it wrong. I'm gonna die reading this. ;_;
Typing too fast will make you accidentally omit some words. You forgot much after how.
I love your use of there/they're/their in this sentence because you're essentially sticking your tongue out at the people that don't know how to use them correctly. Great job!
Just drop the d.
I think you mean Arceus. Ha! See what I did? Whoo! Oh man. I crack myself up.
No capitalization needed.
I love your reference to Youngster Joey, possibly the most hated trainer in existence. One thing though. A comma is needed after exclaimed. It's just as if you had put said there.
Even though it was short, I somewhat enjoyed this chapter. We got to see what everyone's intentions were on the journey. Not too many mistakes here. Just some minor stuff that can be easily fixed. Next chapter should have a super special awesome description of the city. Looks like Conor is going to be taken downtown. Poor guy. He didn't even get a chance to defend himself. Hopefully he can get out of this situation without having to get himself in trouble. Until next time.
Haha it's pronounced Your-bech-ah. It's the Gaelic word for urban.
Haha thank you! I too hate those who don't know how to use them.
Lol thank you. I too am on the hatred of Joey bandwagon. Since not much happened in this chapter, I thought I'd throw in references to other regions, just to show that my fan fic isn't independant, it takes place in the same Pokemon world.
Haha thank you. This next chapter may be a challenge to write, but I am confident in my writing. I also don't want to bring Luke back for a bit, but I wanted to add Conor being mistaken as him as a tool to keep him in the readers minds, so they know he still has not been caught. Thank you for the critique
TheSilentBang
Im An OxyMoron!
OH SNAP!
More, MORE!
More, MORE!
ShiningKnightXY
<----Newest Shiny
I like how the chapter was partially a flashback but also in real time. Most people who type up stories, like this one, put flashbacks in separate chapters altogether.
Put me on the P.M. List Please!
I've started over and caught up again, and overall, with every chapter you're writing is getting better. Really hoping to see some additions to someones party soon, pokemon catching is actually one of my favorite parts in fanfics.
Hope to see more soon.
I've started over and caught up again, and overall, with every chapter you're writing is getting better. Really hoping to see some additions to someones party soon, pokemon catching is actually one of my favorite parts in fanfics.
Hope to see more soon.
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