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A Kalos Chronicle

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Go to Sleep, Apr 10, 2019.

  1. Go to Sleep

    Go to Sleep Member

    Hey guys, I hope you enjoy the fic that I'm about to share. I am always welcome to criticism, but I have already written 4 chapters so any criticism about the direction you feel I am taking the story will only be applied starting chapter 5 onwards. I will post the first four one week at a time, but after that my posting schedule might be sporadic due to a busy life as well as a need to be in the right mindset in order to write. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

    A Kalos Chronicle

    Table of Contents

    Arc I: Come Together
    Chapter 1: Bienvenue à Kalos

    Arc I: Come Together

    A man entered a dimly looking room, meeting four scientists that were all working on some strange device. He was tall with spiky red hair that extended around his face and down to his chin.

    “How’s the progress going along?” he asked a chubby scientist.

    “Excellent, Sir Lysandre. The project is progressing as planned.”

    “I would figure. If not, we would have a problem, no?”

    “Uhhh, of course sir!” the scientist responded nervously. He began to babble about details beyond what Lysandre could understand or could possibly care about. Instead, something caught Lysandre’s eye. Something he did not like.

    “Xerosic, did you guys take a lunch break today?”

    “Uh…yes?” Xerosic responded confused. “It is 4:00 PM. We must keep our appetites satisfied if we wish to work efficiently.”

    Clearly that’s a priority Lysandre thought as he stared at Xerosic’s big belly, but that was not the issue. “Tell me what did you eat?”

    “Cold meat sandwiches,” Xerosic responded in a confused tone. He then went into unneeded details about where they got them.

    “Did you enjoy your meal?” Lysandre asked, interrupting whatever irrelevant tangent Xerosic was on.

    “Uhh…not really.”

    “Well your colleague seemed to.”

    “Oh?” Xerosic responded as Lysandre pointed to one of the scientists. The scientist began to tremble. “What is it you are insinuating…sir?”

    “That man has a stain on his tie!” Lysandre yelled. He pointed at the scientist’s bright orange tie. “It is hard to see because of the fact that ketchup is a similar colour, but I can always distinguish beauty from horror.”

    “Oh geez, I am so sorry,” Xerosic responded.

    “Please, we are trying to create a beautiful world. How could we possibly accomplish such a daunting task when we have ugliness within our organization?” Lysandre asked.

    “You’re right, I am so sorry.”

    “Well it’s too late for that now,” Lysandre replied. “Sadly, you know what we must do to keep things beautiful.”

    Xerosic then sighed, “remove the ugly,” he responded as if he was being corrected on his manners.

    Xerosic took out a remote control and pressed a button. The machine above then stuck out an antenna at the shivering scientist who had made that fatal mistake. The antenna began to charge…

    Chapter 1: Bienvenue à Kalos

    Splash Hector felt the cold, icy water soak his face. Angry and confused, he abruptly opened his eyes.

    “Fabio, WHAT THE HELL?” Hector furiously screamed.

    “Yo doofus, it’s time for you to get your first Pokémon. Why aren’t you up already, ready to go?”

    “Let me get up on my own time, there is no rush,” Hector replied.

    “Yeah, well you should be all excited and energetic. You’re about to begin your journey!”

    “Fabio just…” Hector began as he grabbed a cloth. “You know what, forget it. You aren’t worth my time.”

    Hector frantically got ready for the day in a sour mood. The beginning of his journey began off the wrong foot. He then stormed out of the house as his brother chased after him.

    “Have you decided what you want to do on your journey?” Fabio asked.

    “I don’t know…” Hector softly replied, not even looking at his brother. He continued to walk through the small Vaniville Town, towards the road that lead to Aquacorde Town.

    “Come on!” his brother exclaimed. “You need to know now!”

    “I don’t know.”

    “Is there anything you ruled out? Like a Pokémon Juggler?”

    “Juggling could be fun,” shrugged Hector. “But again, I DON’T KNOW!”

    “You can’t just start your journey not knowing what to do!”

    Hector was annoyed. “I. DON’T. KNOW. What part of that do you not understand? Do I need a drill to get through your thick skull? Actually, now that I think about it, the drill would probably break because you know…YOUR SKULL IS SO THICK!”

    “Jesus Hec, you don’t have to be so pissy. What did I do to deserve such a bitchy brother when all I do is care?”

    Hector took a deep breath. “Look, I’ll figure this out all on my own. I don’t need you to help, just…let me go there by myself okay? Oh, also don’t call me Hec.”

    “Okay…Hec,” his brother replied with a goofy grin. “I’ll leave your majesty to himself.” He then turned around and walked away.

    Hector then began to head down the road towards Aquacorde Town, thinking exactly what he wanted to do. Throughout his life he was always looking forward to having his independence, but never really thought about it. While he walked down the grassy road that was desolate for some reason, Hector contemplated all possibilities of his goal, but nothing truly excited him.

    He then arrived at Aquacord, which Hector could not deny was utterly stunning. As numb as he felt about most things, he always noticed and appreciated beauty. He looked around to see the glistening water flow down the river nearby. He felt comforted by the sound of the flow…

    “Hi there!”

    The tiles of the city were fascinating. They had this beige tint to it that Hector could not help admire. The colour scheme spread throughout the whole town and even matched the buildings.

    “Are you here for your first Pokémon?”

    The town was rather small…around the same size as Vaniville. You could see from one exit to another, yet it was much more interesting.

    “Hello, sir are you okay?”

    He stared at the forest across the river. It was lush and green…

    “Hi, I’m Trevor!” said a squeaky voice. Hector looked down to see a short ginger kid staring up at him. Of course, his head was not too much higher than Trevor since Hector was also a shorty.

    Oh right…people. Ugh. “Oh sorry about that…just this place.”

    “Oh right, it’s beautiful isn’t it?” Trevor responded. “As beautiful as the rest of Kalos.”

    “Yeah…I’ve been stuck at Vaniville Town my whole life, which is…whatever.” What Hector did not mention was that he was stuck because his family could not afford to ever leave. Kalos was not a cheap place to live, unlike Alola. Sometimes he resented his parents for making him move, and other times he was glad. Alola was the region of laziness; Kalos was the region of beauty.

    “Oh, I see. Good thing you’re starting your journey, you’ll get to see lots of places!” Trevor replied.

    “Yeah…my journey,” Hector awkwardly replied. He then deflected the conversation away from that, “so what are you guys doing?”

    “I’m Serena,” he heard a voice and looked around. There he saw three other kids sitting around a table. “I wish to become a great Pokémon battler. I want to fight all the gyms and win the Pokémon League!” Serena had long brown hair and a cute red hat on her head.

    “I’m Shauna,” replied a sweet girl with bushy brown hair with pig tails. “I want to become a top Pokémon Co-ordinator!”

    “I want to go around learning all sorts of cool details about Pokémon,” Trevor added. “My dream is to hopefully make a new version of the Pokédex with the data I’m gathering.”

    “And what about you?” Hector asked, looking at the last kid. He was a big fella, but looked friendly.

    “I’m Tierno and I want to dance,” Tierno replied.

    “I’m sorry, huh?” Hector was baffled.

    “I want to go on a journey so I could dance.”

    “Dancing?” Hector asked confused. “You’ll have to explain it.”

    “You dance,” he shyly replied while looking down at the ground.

    “Uhh…Tierno is an interesting kid,” Trevor replied. He then snuck up on Hector’s ear and whispered. “Don’t question him. We want him to be happy.”

    “Oh, I understand,” Hector said looking at Tierno. “I hope you enjoy your…dancing journey.”

    “So what about you, buddy?” Trevor asked.

    “Oh, I’m Hector and I” he awkwardly paused again. “Uhhh…I don’t know”.

    ***​

    “I want to dye!” loudly shouted Sam in an excited tone. The whole room stared at her strangely.

    “What colour, honey?” asked the hairdresser.

    “Blue!” replied Sam. “I have to look my best for the upcoming Pokémon Contest!”

    Sam was excited to enter her first ever Pokémon Contest. For years she was eagerly waiting to become old enough to begin her journey as a co-ordinator, and now it was time!!! She then went on with her day and eventually went to bed, she had trouble sleeping because of how excited she was!

    “Go Cyndaquil!” shouted Sam in front of the Pokémon Contest’s audience. With a white flash of light, the fiery hedgehog came out. Sam remembered she probably should have gotten this thing called ‘seals’, which causes a cool effect when the Pokémon comes out, but she did not have the time. Besides, was it that important anyway?

    “Alright Cyndaquil, use Smokescreen!” she began. The fiery hedgehog then emitted a massive cloud of smoke, causing the audience to cough. One even died of an asthma attack.

    “Now, use Ember!” she continued. From the cloud of smoke shot out a couple of little sparks.

    “And lastly, Tackle!” Cyndaquil then charged out of the Smokescreen and bowed. Sam then excitedly stared at the audience, waiting for her applause. Other than a few noises, there was not much.

    “Oh no matter,” she said to Cyndaquil.

    “Cynda?” Cyndaquil looked at Sam confused.

    “Okay, maybe they’re just in a bad mood. Let’s see what the judges think.”

    “That was very bad. I’d offer criticism but just...that was bad,” remarked Mr. Contesta. A 3.4 appeared on his podium.

    “Unremarkable,” added Sukizo. A 2.0 appeared on his podium.

    “That. Was.” began Nurse Joy. Sam knew what was coming. “AMAZING!!!”

    “Whaaaaaaa?” Sam responded confused.

    “The way you caused a massive smoke cloud and accidentally murdered someone was amazing. The way your Ember’s went with the Smokescreen was amazing. And your Cyndaquil running around the stage was amazing!” commented Nurse Joy. “Just kidding! It was godawful!” A 0.2 appeared on her podium.

    “I mean, what were you thinking?” Sam’s sister, Mikayla, asked her later on that evening. “Did you even practice?”

    “Yeah, for a couple hours the day before.”

    “Wait…WHAT? If you want to be a co-ordinator you have to eat, breathe, and sleep it! You can’t just cram the night before! Mikayla lectured. “You think when I won the Grand Festival I just practiced right before? I began sketching my appeal a YEAR before!”

    “But that sounds like soooooooooooo much work,” whined Sam. “You and Drasna make it seem so fun, but it just sounds so boring!”

    Mikayla wasn’t Sam’s only idol. When Sam was a bored little kid, she would spend most of her free time watching a fashion show hosted by her idol, Drasna. Drasna was a lady that had some sort of perky charm that Sam looked up to. When her idol announced she was leaving her show to become a Pokémon Co-ordinator, Sam was not surprised that she was good at that too. Drasna was good at everything.

    “You can’t just do well by watching others, you have to make your own mark!” lectured Mikayla.

    “You’re right, I’ll do better,” Sam whined.

    “No, you can’t just say that!” Mikayla added. “You need to WANT TO. Being a co-ordinator takes up a lot of time and energy, it has to be your only interest.”

    “I guess…”

    Mikayla sighed. “Maybe you aren’t cut out to be a co-ordinator after all.”

    ***​

    Joey stared at his opponent furiously. His Farfetch’d stood in front of him idling, waiting for Joey’s next command. Joey had to process his emotions but could not hold back.

    “So when is the Rattata coming?” his opponent asked.

    “For the last time,” Joey responded in a soft voice, trying to keep his temper. “I am not Youngster Joey!”

    “But but but,” began the trainer. “It’s top percentage. I wanted to see it.”

    “You know what, I’ve had enough. Farfetch’d, Slash!” ordered Joey. Farfetch’d then lunged at the opponent’s Hoppip with its stick clutched in its wing.

    “Sorry Hoppip, I’d love to stay but we gotta bounce!”

    “Wait, you’re going already?” Joey asked. However, Hoppip sprung in the air. “Oh ugh, it was a pun. Fantastic. Farfetch’d, just finish it off with an Air Cutter.”

    Farfetch’d then looked upwards and flapped its wings, sending gusts of wind above.

    “Hooooooooop!” cried Hoppip as it plopped onto the ground, fainted.

    “Noooo,” cried the trainer. “Okay, Skiploom, go!”

    “Nononononono,” began Joey. “We agreed to a 1 v 1. And what kind of trainer owns two Pokémon of the same evolution family anyway?”

    “That was when I thought you’d begin with your top percentage Rattata!” whined the trainer.

    “I. AM. NOT. YOUNGSTER. JOEY!” he then furiously returned his Pokémon. “That’s it, Sands out!”

    Joey then began to walk away in a huff. That was a waste of time. At least I came up with a great new catchphrase!

    “Is that your catchphrase? It sucks!” cried the trainer.

    Damnit!

    Joey then looked at his badge case, empty as his desire. As he walked through the meadow headed towards Ecruteak City, he tried to think about what he was going to do for his upcoming gym battle. Instead all he was thinking about was Ecruteak itself. He was warned that beginning in Ecruteak was not the smartest idea since the gym leader was ruthless, but he was so excited to see it!

    He heard Ecruteak was beautiful and could not wait. The multi-coloured trees, the relaxing ponds, and the two towers that bordered the city. He even heard that sometimes relaxing ASMR-like music gets played by the locals. He couldn’t wait. Eventually he arrived at the city, and decided to get the gym over and done with. Unfortunately, it was over and done quicker than he realized.

    “Farfetch’d, Slash!” ordered Joey as his Farfetch’d lunged towards Morty’s Gastly. He then swung the stick at the Ghost-type, but found it phased right through.

    “Did you not come prepared?” Morty asked. “Normal types don’t work on Ghosts!”

    Joey stood there in silence. Good, the faster this is done with the faster I can relax!

    “Now Gastly, Hypnosis!” Morty ordered. Gastly’s eyes glowed blue as Farfetch’d stared into it. Eventually, it fell asleep.

    “Now Dream Eater!”

    Blue energy was sucked out of the Farfetch’d, as it fell to the ground, fainted.

    “Farfetch’d is unable to battle! The winner is Morty!” declared the referee.

    Morty then returned his Pokémon and began giving Joey advice on how he could win next time. However, he did not realize Joey was only thinking about all the fun activities he could do in Ecruteak.

    “Well thank you for the advice,” Joey said, pretending to have listened to everything Morty was saying.

    ***​

    “Alright Houndour, Fire Fang!” ordered the young trainer.

    Carly sighed, “Togepi, Metronome I guess.”

    As Houndour began dashing towards the little Togepi with its mouth fulled with flames, Togepi waddled its itty bitty fingers. They then glowed.

    “PREEEE!” shouted Togepi as it shot a Bubble towards the Houndour.

    “Oh?” Carly said with a bit of excitement in her voice. She thought something interesting might happen, but was disappointed when all the Bubble did was slightly damper the flames.

    “FINISH IT!” cried the trainer as Houndour lunged at the Togepi and chomped it. Togepi was then set aflame as Houndour spat it out.

    “Pree!” shouted Togepi, happy it was still conscious.

    “Togepi…wow you’re still good to battle!” Carly said with amazement. However, a tiny spark then glowed under Togepi’s legs.

    “Pree!” cried Togepi in pain as it lost consciousness.

    “Aaaaaaaaaaaaand spoke too soon, of course!” Carly remarked.

    “Hah! You should have brought a burn heal!” taunted the trainer.

    “Togepi is unable to battle, the winner goes to this unnamed trainer!” declared the ref.

    “Sweet!” shouted the unnamed trainer. He then looked at Carly. “You know, for a gym leader…you kinda suck!”

    “Whatever,” replied Carly. “Here’s your Fairy Badge.”

    “A Fairy Badge…THAT was the original name you could come up with?” asked the trainer as he took the semicircular badge from Carly’s hands. “You could call it Pixie Badge, Imp Badge, Mystic Badge. But FAIRY badge?”

    “Yeah yeah yeah I get it, scram kid.”

    “Fine,” said the trainer as he walked out. “What a joke!”

    Carly stood silently in her gym, kinda just numb to the whole thing. She sat down on her princess chair and looked around at the gym’s dollhouse looking design. It truly was amazing and unique architecture, and cost her family a fortune. However, she found it hard to truly care after just sitting there for years on end, monotonously battling trainers over and over.

    Her mind then wandered to a conversation she had with a fellow gym leader.

    “Hey hotness!” cheered Volkner he shouted. Even though they were talking over hologram communication, he was still loud as usual.

    “Let the past die, Volkner,” replied Carly.

    “Ooh, speaking of Star Wars lines I’ve always wanted to do this,” replied Volkner. She then could see his holographic face turn serious. “Help me Obi-Wan, you’re my only hope.”

    Carly couldn’t help but chuckle. He was always a goofball.

    “God, Kalos technology is soooooooooo cool, huh?” noted Volkner.

    Indeed it is. Part of the reason why Carly loved Kalos so much was because of how ahead it was in beauty and technology. It is hard for a place to have both, but Kalos somehow managed to accomplish that. Thanks to Lysandre Labs, they had just recently come out with the Holo Caster, a way so people could communicate through holograms. This created an economic boom within Kalos.

    “Anyway, so what’s up?” Volkner asked.

    “When you lost interest in battling, how did you get over it?” even though Carly did see Volkner as silly, she knew she could count on him for advice.

    “The trainers really that bad, huh?”

    “Yeah…that’s it,” Carly replied. She was too ashamed to admit.

    “Hah, gotcha!” taunted Volkner. “I know you’re on sort of a losing streak. You think I don’t keep tabs?”

    Carly could tell that Volkner was still attached, but there was no point in pressing him about it. It was something she’d just have to let go. Instead she remained focused on the point. “Yeah, and I don’t think I’m sucking. I think I’ve just kinda stopped caring.”

    “Huh,” replied Volkner, seeming less interested in the conversation. “Well I mean with me all it took was a bit of encouragement, but that’s because I was upset I didn’t have a good battle. You’re just flat out not interested.”

    “So what should I do?”

    “I guess if you lose interest in something, stop doing it?”

    It was that simple. Volkner managed to break down Carly’s complex emotions with such simple advice. It was something Carly first disregarded; thinking he was too naïve to help with her problems. Yet after losing more and more, she could tell his advice was having an effect on her.

    Quitting being a Gym Leader was not that simple. Even though she could let her sister Valerie take over, and knew it was not uncommon for Gym Leaders to leave their posts to go on a journey, something was stopping her. She thought about it for a while until she had a realization.

    Unbeknownst to Carly, three other trainers were in a similar situation. All of them felt unmotivated, lost, or both, but none of them knew how to fix that. Yet if it was some sort of cosmic intervention, the four trainers came to the exact same realization at the exact same time. They had no real interest in a journey; they simply wanted adventure.
     
  2. DingoPox

    DingoPox Member

    G’day Go to Sleep! Welcome to the wonderful world of fanfiction! I’m glad to hear you’ve already got four chapters in the bag. I do however discourage you waiting until chapter five to apply constructive criticism, the reason being chapter one is the first thing a reader sees and many readers won’t wait until chapter five to get better. Quality of chapters over quantity of chapters.

    Show reader’s your best face straight up!

    Let’s start from the start! There’s a couple things you can do to help grab a reader’s attention.

    The first thing a reader sees is your title and unfortunately is that ‘Kalos Chronicles’ is a bit common in our fandom. ‘Word’s like ‘Johto Tales’, ‘The New Trainer’ and ‘A Hoenn Journey’ turn up frequently on the forums and therefore become white noise. Many may skip over your fic for a title they’ve never seen before because it sounds more interesting.

    You can get inspiration from lots of places. Check out idioms or puns that might suit your fic- Trial by Fire, Cutting Edge, Grimm and Proper. Or if you’re in Kalos, french sayings. ‘C’est la Vie’, means ‘That’s life.’ Or Qui vivra verra,’ The Future Tells.’

    Or perhaps look up specific jargon that have a special meaning in your fic. Serendipity, a scientific or important discovery purely by mistake or accident. Eleutheromania is the manic desire for freedom. Bravura is a musically term meaning ‘to play boldly’. The Phrontistery: Obscure Words and Vocabulary Resources or Wikipedia’s Glossaries. Are an enthralling reading and doesn’t hurt the vocabulary either.

    Or the good ol’ favourite, song lyrics! Sit down with your ipod and listen! Short and sharp and to the point so it’ll catch a passing reader.

    The other good thing to have is a summary right up front so that potential reader will immediately know if it's something they want to invest time in. A good summary is like a book blurb. It should be exciting and intriguing and make it jump out. It should at least include information the setting (Kalos ten years after Team Flare, ect), the protagonist (Hector, a new trainer who *interesting and unique thing about him*), and the antagonistic forces of the story (Team Flare and how their goal relates to protagonist) .

    Now if you’re doing a straight up fictional telling of the XY Games, you gotta make that sound good cos a lot of others will have written the same. Find the part that makes your story unique!

    Then, once you have that in order why not pop over to these generous people and get your fic a banner! A picture paints a thousand words and a banner/link in your signature.

    Onto the fic itself.

    I like your prologue, a good way to introduce the antagonists and their goals! One of ways to really build atmosphere is by adding a point of view. Right now you are writing in what is called impersonal third person. It’s like a camera hanging over a scene recording what it sees like a documentary. Although accurate, it does make reading a little sterile.

    You could bring it to life by picking a point of view and writing through their eyes. Let a character’s moods influence the words you choose.

    “Xerosic hunched over the device, as bright halo in the dim room shone down on the mechanism beneath his blue gloved fingers. The oils used to keep the delicate instruments running smoothly burned in his nostrils as the tweezers set aside the wires and wheels to expose the secret beneath. A thin bead of sweat trickled over his chubby cheeks.

    Suddenly the door flung open and the head of Team Flare’s head scientists struggled not to flinch and cast an anxious look at the silhouette in the door.”


    By picking one person, you use their emotions and their senses to colour a scene. What does that person see, hear, smell or feel beneath their fingers. I see this much clearer with Hector’s scenes as you probably have a much greater affinity for him but I’d love to feel more of his observations and thoughts.

    The goal of a writing is to paint a mental image in a reader’s head so it doesn’t hurt to slow down and take your time. For example, I don’t even know what Hector looks like. What colour is his hair, what is it’s style, what kind of clothes does he wear… What does his brother look like? Otherwise Hector is just a stick figure walking through a stick world. Same with Carly, and Joey and Sam...

    Give us some think, chunky paragraphs to paint the scene! Tell us about his room, his life, his family, his pyjamas because that’s how we’ll grow to appreciate him and cheer him on. No need to rush. He got ready and left the house in two sentences, kinda rushed and a little dull. There’s an opportunity to set up his family life, how he feels about it. Maybe he’s been coddled and so now he sucks taking care of himself! Or maybe it’s just him and his brother so he’s very self reliant.

    I really, really liked that paragraph starting ‘Hector then began to head down the road to Aquacorde Town.’ I could really picture it much more clearly. But there’s room for more. The cool morning air ruffling his hair, dew on the grass, the glare of sunlight off puddles….. Close your eyes and put yourself on the road to Aquacord. What do you see? What do you smell? Do you feel the crunch of gravel under Hector’s boots? It’s these details that immerse me in a scene and draw me in. Show me his gestures and body language and expressions! Do I imagine a black haired boy strolling leisurely down the road, his hands behind his head and eyes closed listening to the pidgey’s hopping from tree to tree and the faint clawmarks of burrowing rattata in grass.

    Good news is your attention to detail gets better as the chapter goes on. I liked hearing about Sam’s excitement for her first contest but a thesaurus is your friend. For example you use the word excited seven times in one chapter, but Sam could be keen to enter her first contest. Or she could gape with wonder at the audience. Or she can’t sleep because her nerves were frazzled like a faulty wire. Don’t worry, the more you use your thesaurus, the less you’ll need it. It’s always a good idea to do one last read through of your chapter with a thesaurus on hand to pick out and replace those repetitive words.

    All in all a lot of new character’s to meet! Not a bad opening chapter but I’d love to immerse myself in your world. Good luck.
     

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