A New Adventure

[rawr?!]

Alright guys, this is my first fanfic EVER, so work with me here. I really would like criticism to point out what I may be doing wrong, or what I could improve on. Thanks ^_^ Here we go....

First just a little outside information. My two main characters, Georgie and Cait, are based on me and my friend(I'm George and her name is Caitlin). Anyways, they are new trainers who are going to start their Pokemon journey together. This journey will take place in the Hoenn Region(I wanted it to be in the Johto Region, but Caitlin wanted a torchic starter >:])
The antogonist's name is James, who is an experienced trainer. Sorry if I'm being boring right now; I tend to be that way in the beginning. Well I'm just gonna stop now and begin the story. The beginning might seem a little WTH-ish but trust me, when they finally get their pokemon, it will start to get good. :]

Chapter One: A New Adventure

A sunny day in Lilycove city, as usual, which always made me happy. I couldn't believe today was the day when my best friend Cait and I were getting our first Pokémon. Oh yes, this was gonna be a great day, although I should probably wake up...
"Georgie, why won't you wake up?!"
I awoke to a girl with brown curly hair and crystal blue eyes staring right down upon me.
"Caity! What are you doing in my bed? Have you ever heard of a thing called privacy?"
"Well sorry," she said in a sarcastic voice, "but we're going to be late if you don't hurry up! The ferry to Petalburg City is leaving in thirty minutes. Ugh this is gonna be a tiring day..."
"Why is it going to be tiring? We're getting our Pokémon. That should give you enough incentive to stay excited."
"Well did you realize that we have to walk all the way to Littleroot town after we get off the ferry?"
"Walking never killed anybody," I said in non-empathetic tone.
"Whatever, let's just go!"
She was always very impatient. I never took long to get ready, a maximum of five minutes. Exactly five minutes later I called down to her and told her that I was ready.
"Well then come on! Let's leave!"
As we walked out of my house, I was sure my mother was going to make a scene and try to convince me not to go. I was wrong. She was asleep!! On the most important day of my life she was asleep...wow. I left a note as I walked out of my silent house. We got to the ferry ten minutes before departure, ten extra minutes that I could've slept. When we got to our seats on the ferry, I immediately fell asleep. Did I mention I sleep a lot? Well yep, that's me.
Hours later when we arrived, Cait woke me up. We were here! Cait was practically jumping out of the boat as we reached the Petalburg Harbor. Now was the simple part- walk to Littleroot Town and get a POKEMON! Things raced through my mind as we started walking toward our destination. Things like, should I nickname my Pokémon?, will I be a good trainer?, and I hope my Pokémon like me...
Before I knew it, we were there! "Whew, that was a long walk, " Cait said sounding exhausted. I made no witty remark because I couldn't speak from the excitement. We walked towards a large, white building, which we assumed to be Professor Birch's. I was ready, here we go!
As we walked in many assistants to the professor greeted us. Then a rather large man, with brown hair and a brown beard came towards us. "Ah, you must be the new trainers, Georgie and Cait. Correct? "
"Yep, thats us professor. We're really excited!"
"Alright, then I won't keep you waiting. Here are three pokeballs, each with one of the Hoenn starters. Choose wisely." Caity chose first, because she is a rather impatient girl if you hadn't noticed."
"Alright! I want this Torchic!"
"Haha, great. And which one would you like Georgie?" the Professor said chuckling to himself.
"I'll take the Mudkip please," I said while grabbing the pokeball.

THE ADVENTURE BEGINS!

 

[Kindrindra]

Well... you have the basic idea down, but I can see some crucial flaws.

For one, it's rather short. It looks as if it's been written in the reply box. That's not what chapters should look like; try writing it out in a word processor, so you can save it and come back to it to add more.

Another thing, which ties into the first. Description. You need to give some more thought to it. For one thing, we have no idea what Georgie looks like. You started describing Cait, but you could go a little further. What shirt is she wearing? Pants? Bracelets? Barrettes? A Headband? Heck, we don't even know if Georgie is a boy or a girl! Gotta think about these things.
And it's not just people you should describe; buildings too. And environments. Tell us about Lillycove. Currently, it seems almost as if they teleported to the ferry. Not the image you want to give. Unless, of course, you character IS teleporting. But seeing as neither trainer had any pokemon at all yet, that seems somewhat unlikely. What does the outside of your character's house look like? Their neighbourhood? The ferry terminal? The ferry itself? How 'bout Petalburg? What do the houses look like? Does your character notice the pokecenters that they will soon be using quite frequently, or are they unaware of the purpose of these large buildings? And what about the walk to Littleroot? I see you using the device of the character thinking during a long walk scene, but surely the character must notice Something about his/her surroundings? Are there trees? What do they look like? Do they have pokemon hanging out? Is the terrain rough and difficult, or easy to walk across?
Then comes Littleroot itself. Shouldn't the character notice some stuff there? What does the lab look like? Large and white is somewhat vague. And, once they enter, what does the inside look like? How do they know this man is the professor? Describe the assistants a bit, if you want. As for the pokemon they choose... How do they know what pokemon is in each pokeball? Psychic POWAZ? Maybe they have a stamp, or some such? Also, the quickness of the characters' choices makes me think they already had their starter decided. In which case, you may want to allude to such a fact earlier. Say, maybe during the walk? Also, ending with the choice of a starter seems a bit... stunted. You should probably have the character get outside. Check out their new partner. Fun stuff like that.
Also, I see a massive mistake. I myself made this mistake and, I warn you, it is not one you want to make. Explaining the origin of your characters isn't the best idea. And talking about a character we don't even meet in the first chapter is a definite no-no. Leave that for inside the story.

All in all, there are quite a few things you can improve on. But you have definite promise. "I awoke to a girl with brown curly hair and crystal eyes staring right down at me". That sentence is pure gold (Myself, I would swap the brown and curly, but w/e). Also, the idea of a character waking up to the face of a girl is quite amusing. The fact they must journey with said hyper and impatient girl to receive their first pokemon is funnier still. Add to that said character is almost the direct inverse... Those two must have quite the strange friendship XD. You're doing much better than my first attempts at writing. A promising writer and an unique story... This shall be quite interesting.

 

[rawr?!]

Thanks a lot for those comments. They really helped. I'm gonna remember that for my next chapters, and here is the revised version.



Chapter One: A New Adventure

A sunny day in Lilycove city, as usual, which always made me happy. I couldn't believe today was the day when my best friend Cait and I were getting our first Pokémon. Oh yes, this was gonna be a great day, although I should probably wake up...

"Georgie, why won't you wake up?!"

I awoke to a girl with curly brown hair and crystal blue eyes staring right down upon me. She always had on her three black bracelets over her nicely tanned skin. (Most people in Lilycove had tan skin because of the sunny weather.) Her white shirt was too bright for me considering the sun was reflecting off of it. I could also see her ripped blue jeans which she only wore for special occasions.

"Caity! What are you doing in my bed? Have you ever heard of a thing called privacy?"

"Well sorry," she said in a sarcastic voice, "but we're going to be late if you don't hurry up! The ferry to Petalburg City is leaving in thirty minutes. God, sometimes you act like such a girl." She looked out my window and said, "Ugh, this is gonna be a tiring day..."

"Hey! I am not a girl, nor do I act like one. Oh and why is it going to be tiring? We're getting our Pokémon. That should give you enough incentive to stay excited."

"Well did you realize that we have to walk all the way to Littleroot town after we get off the ferry?"

"Walking never killed anybody," I said in non-empathetic tone.

"Whatever, let's just go!"

She was always very impatient. I never took long to get ready, a maximum of five minutes. I then made her go downstairs so I could change out of my pajamas. I put on a red tee-shirt and regular, old blue jeans. I finished off with my favorite black jacket. I had to look presentable to meet Professor Birch.

"Well then come on! Let's leave!" she exclaimed after exactly five minutes had passed.

I walked downstairs and we were finally ready to set out. As we walked out of my house, I was sure my mother was going to make a scene and try to convince me not to go. I was wrong. She was asleep!! On the most important day of my life she was asleep...wow. I left a note as I walked out of my silent house. "My house is really creepy when its quiet, " I stated."

We got to the ferry ten minutes before departure, ten extra minutes that I could've slept. When we got to our seats on the ferry, which were red, my least favorite color. I immediately fell asleep on the seat. Did I mention I sleep a lot? Well yep, that's me.

Hours later when we arrived, Cait woke me up. We were here! Cait was practically jumping out of the boat as we reached the Petalburg Harbor. Now was the simple part- walk to Littleroot Town and get a POKEMON! Things raced through my mind as we started walking toward our destination. Things like, should I nickname my Pokémon?, will I be a good trainer?, and I hope my Pokémon like me...

Before I knew it, we were there! "Whew, that was a long walk, " Cait said sounding exhausted. I made no witty remark because I couldn't speak from the excitement. We walked towards a large, white building, which we assumed to be Professor Birch's. It has spotless, clear windows. The door was very large. We started running towards it and then PUSH! She actually pushed me.... Cait pushed me.

"Sorry," she exclaimed while helping me up. "I guess I got too excited."

"That's fine," I said while laughing hysterically. That was us, best friends till the end.

As we walked in many assistants to the Professor greeted us. Then a rather large man, with brown hair and a brown beard came towards us. He looked humongous compared to us, a couple of fourteen year olds. He seemed well into his forties. "Ah, you must be the new trainers, Georgie and Cait. Correct? "

"Yep, thats us Professor. We're really excited!" Cait said while jumping up and down.

"Alright, then I won't keep you waiting. Here are three pokeballs, each with one of the Hoenn starters. Choose wisely." Caity chose first, because she is a rather impatient girl if you hadn't noticed.

"Alright! I want this Torchic!"

"Haha, thats great. And which one would you like Georgie?" the Professor said chuckling to himself.

"I'll take the Mudkip please," I said while grabbing the pokeball.

Chapter 2 Coming Up!

 

[pandafoxygirl]

Rather good but it still has a lot of mistakes.

You described some colours and such but apart of that you didn't follow a lot of kindrindra's advice. You didn't describe the environment like he told you to and once again Georgie and Cait didn't think about which starter pokémon they wanted, they just picked them.

This is slightly larger but still very short.
The dialogue is good and it's good to express what they think but I can't see the scenery before my eyes when I'm reading this, and it's like they don't show any emotions at all, they are not robots are they? Make them smile, frown, whatever but at least show some emotion, the characters are blank. Describe the buildings they're walking past while on their way, let something catch their eye, what about the crowd, are there a lot of people, are there kids, pokemon, some of their actions, explain. Description of the scenery is crucial, the readers must be able to imagine what's happening. Temperature and climat, is it warm, are there clouds, is there a little breeze. Until now there was only a bit of a blank scenery, description may not be the easiest but at least try, if it's necesary then make a little drawing (there is no effort needed here, just a little sketch) of the scenery and try to describe it, don't forget, I'm trying to help you, same goes for Kindrindra.
And of course, the path, is it rocky, bricks, wood, grass, sand. The sky, is it blue or grey, has it got any clouds. Are there any rivers around? If yes then let the characters hear the river, sounds are also important, they're not just gonna hear each other's voice right? Show that there is life, show feelings, describe, describe, it's crucial.
And before going to the ferry, didn't they have to eat or something? And you didn't describe Georgie's room in no way, nor the house, description is highly needed. When you said that the house was creepy when it was so silent I imagined it looking like a ghosthouse, tell why it's creepy or else the readers are gonna see a ghosthouse with a dark surrounding and a graveyard in the garden, really you should describe better. For example, imagine a reader here who hasn't played the game of Ruby, Sapphire or Emerald, hasn't seen the third generation of the anime and hasn't read the Pokémon Adventures comic, that person won't understand the story and will stop reading it not finding it interesting at all. Do you understand it now? You don't have to rewrite the first chapter again but just remember it for the next chapters. I hope this advice came out handy and that you follow it.

I find your story to be interesting and I like it but you really have to put a bit more effort in the description ^^
And those expressions you used like walking never killed anyone, keep using them, we readers like those expressions because it makes us laugh ^^ (normally)
Keep up the good work, at least you're doing better than me at my first attempt XD
If you need any help, just ask me (or someone else if you want) but if you have problems or don't know what to do just ask someone for help, the people here on serebii are very friendly and will help you for sure ^^
I'll be looking for the next chapter ^^
LaTeR dAyS!!

 

[Chickorita]

It's an interesting story and I like that you've written two people going on a journey together instead of just one person on his lonesome but I think there are some things you could do to improve your writing.

For a start, purely on a technical point, in the first paragraph your character appears to be thinking perfectly lucidly while... asleep? I think you meant for him to have half-woken up but the way it is phrased just makes it sound like he's having a monologue about the day, er, in his dreams. Which would be a little wierd honestly. That's just a nitpick, though.

On the note of more nitpicks (I'm like this, sorry): you might want to change "non-empathetic" to "unsympathetic", since it sounds less clumsy, and change "exactly five minutes" to something more like "a short while later" or whatever. It just seems unlikely that it would be exactly five minutes to me. But whatever.

(Most people in Lilycove had tan skin because of the sunny weather.) - Brackets are generally quite clumsy-looking and best avoided. Maybe something more like "...her nicely tanned skin, which was a common sight in Lilycove but still never failed to impress me"? I don't know if that works for your character but something like that sounds a bit neater.

On a final nitpick note before I look at the fic as a whole, it's better not to use words like "stated" where you could use "said" and "God, sometimes you act like such a girl" is a bit... hmmm. :/ Just hmm.

Okay so, moving on to the fic as whole. I like your characters and you've obviously got a good feel for them but the thing you need to do now is spend less time telling us things and more time showing us things about them. Don't tell us that Cait is impatient, instead try to show it through her actions and words. (You could mention her bouncing on her feet or have her talk a little faster.) This is generally better as it allows the reader to form their own conclusions and avoids them feeling like they've just been spoon-fed something.

Like other people have said, detail is a must and really brings your story to life. Also tried to avoid boring filler in stories like: "Ah, you must be the new trainers, Georgie and Cait. Correct?" Of course, you can't really cut that bit out but, in this case, you have to stick with attempting to make it more interesting and more representative of the professor's complex character. If there has to be filler in your story for plot's sake, it should at least be shiny filler. With sparkles and neon flashlights.

My final comment: more should happen! All they do in this chapter is wake up and get pokemon. Your chapters need to have more delicious plotty substance to them, otherwise you'll be five chapters in and they won't have even reached their first gym! Try to spend more time writing each chapter so that you can include more interesting events.

It's a good start and I hope you stick with it. Also, good on you for taking everyone's advice to heart.

 

[Dawn_Hero]

You have a very good story going so far ^_^ I was happy to read it. Two main things jumped out to me as I read it, though: 1) It was a bit short. This is your first chapter. Think if this were to become a show. Would there be enough in here for one episode? 2) You have a habit of just saying "We started here, then we were here."

When we got to our seats on the ferry, which were red, my least favorite color. I immediately fell asleep on the seat. Did I mention I sleep a lot? Well yep, that's me.

Hours later when we arrived, Cait woke me up. We were here! Cait was practically jumping out of the boat as we reached the Petalburg Harbor. Now was the simple part- walk to Littleroot Town and get a POKEMON! Things raced through my mind as we started walking toward our destination. Things like, should I nickname my Pokémon?, will I be a good trainer?, and I hope my Pokémon like me...

Before I knew it, we were there! "Whew, that was a long walk, " Cait said sounding exhausted.

These guys are going to go get their first Pokemon! They're probably nervous, excited, maybe worried about how good of a trainer they'll be (like Georgie was). I don't really think they'd just sleep through the ferry trip. However, if your character's a sleeper, what can I say? The trip to Littleroot could have been spiced up more, though. They went through Petalburg and Littleroot town, and since it's Hoenn, probably saw a lot of pretty scenery. I'm not saying write down every single detail of the grass on the way, but don't just skip everything entirely.

Maybe try adding some plot in during their trip. Maybe someone robbed a Pokemart or kidnapped a trainer's pokemon in front of Georgie and Catie's eyes and ran for shelter in Littleroot town while they chased them. Maybe they came across a hurt or sick Pokemon and needed to rush it to the Pokemon Center in Petalburg or Littleroot. Maybe they just stared at the scenery. Either way, explain the journey, don't just skip to the destination.

Other than that stuff, though, it was very good. I'm excited to see your second chapter ^^

 

[sarm]

Well, my dream for a couple of years now is to graduate from high school here in Australia, then go to New York for University / College (studying advertising), then after I graduate and get a job there. I have never been to NYC, but from what I have read, it seems amazing. The lifestyle and nightlife also seem awesome, like nothing we have in Sydney. I'm only 14, but I am pretty sure that this is what I want. Problem is, I don't have the courage to tell my parents. My dad in particular is very patriotic about Australia, and thinks it's the best country on earth and all that. He is a British migrant, and moved here for the same reason I want to move to America; for a better lifestyle. My mum dosn't take things that I say like this very seriously, so I won't tell her for a while yet.

I don't hate Australia at all, I like it a lot, it's just that I am looking for adventure and the true big city lifestyle. I don't want to go just because I have seen a few movies and that living in a massive house by Central Park sounds nice. I know I won't be able to afford that lifestyle, and I know that I will be living in a tiny apartment with a view of the building next door.




All Electronic shopping

 

[rawr?!]

Well, my dream for a couple of years now is to graduate from high school here in Australia, then go to New York for University / College (studying advertising), then after I graduate and get a job there. I have never been to NYC, but from what I have read, it seems amazing. The lifestyle and nightlife also seem awesome, like nothing we have in Sydney. I'm only 14, but I am pretty sure that this is what I want. Problem is, I don't have the courage to tell my parents. My dad in particular is very patriotic about Australia, and thinks it's the best country on earth and all that. He is a British migrant, and moved here for the same reason I want to move to America; for a better lifestyle. My mum dosn't take things that I say like this very seriously, so I won't tell her for a while yet.

I don't hate Australia at all, I like it a lot, it's just that I am looking for adventure and the true big city lifestyle. I don't want to go just because I have seen a few movies and that living in a massive house by Central Park sounds nice. I know I won't be able to afford that lifestyle, and I know that I will be living in a tiny apartment with a view of the building next door.

um... I don't know how to respond to that...

 

[Stryder]

Um... its okay i guess...?
You should compare your work to the stuff Galladerocks does. Massive difference