A Preview for my Fiction

[~Alexis Laistenna~]

Hoe noes! It's a n00b fic, everyone run! XD Well, anyways, this is a new fic, which I plan on posting when edited. Ya, so here it is. The Prologue to.... a currently nameless fic. Help me with name choices, constructive criticism and the like. Here... we.... GO!

PROLOGUE

Tick, tock…..

Tick, tock…..

The brunette shook her head rapidly. As her sapphire eyes travelled around the room, they rested on one thing. The dastardly grandfather clock, which ate away at her concentration every day. The rest of the room was a lot better than that, it was the General Suite, after all.

The sofa was made of velvet, and that was what many Grunts dreamed about. Velvet. All those luxury materials that they would have no access to until promotion to General. The walls were adorned with pictures of previous Generals, and one of the pictures concealed a secret passage to the Grunts’ rooms, good for giving a surprise visit to offenders to the rules. In the corner there was a machine that could hand out any food or drink imaginable.

But, of course, there was surveillance, because they were only Generals. The Boss and his secretary (the prize cow, Ava called her inside her head) needed to know what was going on in the General Suite and the Admin Suite at all times.

Her eyes went to her partner general, Glenn. He was extremely handsome. His blonde hair fell over one of his eyes, but his emerald eyes were not nice and warm. They were cold and unforgiving. They were the sorts that would betray you. Ava didn’t know it yet, but she had been betrayed.

Tick, tock…..

Tick, tock…..

Soon after, Prize Cow came in, her heels clicking and her stance that of a military agent. Her mousy brown hair was tied up in a tight bun, and her only make-up was a smear of blueberry-coloured lipstick. The nametag pinned to her tight black suit (How could I fit myself in that? I need space to grow, thought Ava) read: MIRAGE VOLE.

Why was this ***** here? Why? Ava didn't have a clue. Unless.... But Ava couldn't think that. Death, the prospect of it.... That was very frightening. But a General had to be tough. So she stood up straight, all the while thinking, ****.

“Ze boss would like to zee you two now. Walk zis way,” the ***** declared. She than began her soldier march. Left, right, left, right. Ava glanced sideways to see Glenn look confusedly at Prize Cow, who was still marching. They decided to follow her. Even though Ava knew that her Blissey could wipe the floor with Mirage any day she pleased.

Eventually, the trio reached a steel door. On the front it read:
SIRE DE LA CROSSENNE

“Enter, ze Boss is vaiting for you,” Prize Cow commented, “He has a gift for you. Ve believe it is very special.”

Yeah, really special. I hope it's as special as throwing you out the window. That would be nice. Plus, my Clefable could do it as quick as you can say Ava for Secretary, thought Ava.

The duo entered. Four silhouettes appeared as soon as they entered. The sheer bulk made Ava cower in terror, and Glenn immediately drew up his hands in a defensive stance. Then, a voice was heard over loudspeakers. This was the boss. When Ava squinted, she could see his silhouette.

”I am most displeased,” growled the voice, the sound of which sounded angry. Very angry. ”One, Ava. Prize Cow is not a good name for my secretary, and I shall torture you. You shall remain alive. Two, Glenn, traitor ship to your partner. That is most unacceptable. You shall die. Metagross, unleash a powerful Meteor Mash on the male human. After that, initiate transformation phase on the female. I want to hear her scream,” he laughed, which chilled Ava to the bone, before he grinned maniacally, the edges of his mouth twisted upwards in an evil grin.

And at that moment, Ava knew her fears had came true. She would be malformed, a grotesque figure of horror films. That was worse than dying. She prayed that the ***** had a gun to shoot her.

Tick, tock…..

Tick, tock…..

Ava let out a scream as the bloody and mangled corpse of Glenn hit the stone-cold floor. Then, a blinding flash of light started. For five minutes, she was a blind beggar. The Boss laughed evilly, while she screeched like a beat up cat delivering a soprano to it's not-so loving fans.

Then, when she touched the body after the light had faded, she realized that her arms were…. green. Pure emerald.

She looked down. A crimson horn was on her chest, and she seemed to be wearing a white dress. When she reached up to her hair, it felt a lot silkier than before. There was a pool of water nearby, and she looked into the turquoise waters to see light-red, calm eyes, and short green hair. She was a Gardevoir.

The Boss’s eyes fell on the control panel. Activating the PokeNav function, he looked through the old victims, a Perap, a Gyarados and the best to date, a strength level 99 Charizard.

He looked at Gardevoir’s data.

STRENGTH LEVEL 100

And the Boss laughed. A long, evil, maniacal laugh.

Ava merely cried. Then, she slept. And she found herself inside the fantasy of a baby Azurill. She was amazed. So, when the dream Azurill was about to die, Ava sent a Thunderpunch the Tyranitar's way. The fist of electricity hit the Dream Tyranitar, so it certainly wouldn't be going anywhere for the next fortnight apart from in the rooms of the Intensive Care Unit in Hayrentai.

And so, Ava haunted the dreams of many beings across the land, and becoming the heroine of nightmares from her glass test-tube. But she never found that dream, so she could tell her daughter that the car crash was a lie. That she was still alive.

She would break free.

One day.

When finally, her dear daughter found her.

And forgave her.

Do you like? Please vote or post a comment!

 

[The Doctor]

Hmm...interesting, very interesting. It sounds like a promising idea, a darker version of Mystery Dungeon if you ask me. You seem to have a key talent for setting up suspense and Prize Cow seems to be based off Nadia Vole of Stormbreaker. You've got her down to a 't', though.

So far, this sounds promising. For a title, how about "Re-Genesis"?

The Doctor is out.

 

[~Alexis Laistenna~]

Thanks. Re-Genesis might be used for the sequel. Pokemon die every day in my Pokemon Mystery Dungeon! It won't follow the plot of Mystery Dungeon at all, as well!

Chronos Experiment...... coming sooner or later. *sweatdrops* Yeah, I know.

 

[Literate]

Well, there's one word that can describe this. Choppy. Pretty choppy.

Of course, the idea is well interesting, and the entirety of it is alright, and pretty cool.

But you can work on the flow a bit.

Yeah, really special. I hope it's as special as throwing you out the window. That would be nice. Plus, my Clefable could do it as quick as you can say Ava for Secretary and Sire Crossenne's Wife, thought Ava.

Pretty choppy the second part is.

”I am most displeased,” growled a voice, ”One, Ava. Prize Cow is not a good name for my secretary, and I shall torture you. You shall remain alive. Two, Glenn, traitor ship to your partner. That is most unacceptable. You shall die. Metagross, unleash a powerful Meteor Mash on the male human. After that, initiate transformation phase on the female. I want to hear her scream.”

Eh, the entire thing didn't sound quite right. Add some action to it so it'd sound a bit...cooler. Like:

"I want to hear her scream," he said, the ends of his mouth twisted upwards in a insane grin, his eyes growing insecurely mad.

But, you don't have to. It'd just sound a bit better, in my say.

Ava merely cried. And so, she haunted the dreams of her relatives and becoming the heroine of nightmares from her glass test-tube……….

I think you missed something in between those two sentences since they didn't flow right. You can talk about her emotional disorder between there.


Got one last question. What kind of third person are you doing? The kind of centers around what the main character is seeing, feeling, looking, and doing. Or the one where you describe everything and don't go indepth with the thoughts. You did both.

At first it was the second, then the first. Then:

His blonde hair fell over one of his eyes, but his emerald eyes were not nice and warm. They were cold and unforgiving. They were the sorts that would betray you. Ava didn’t know it yet, but she had been betrayed.

That's why I didn't get it.

And then back to the first. Make up your mind which kind of third person you're doing.

Anyways, I'm equally as bad as you at thinking up names. So no idea on that. I'll watch for this. Bye!

~Literate

 

[The Great Butler]

I like it. Certainly looks very promising.

 

[~Alexis Laistenna~]

Thank you! Literate, slight edits have been done. Ava came from Aunt Ava and Glenn, a creepy man off TV. Ya. I'm rubbish at the 'person' thing. I'm best at third, but I'm absolute rubbish at everything else.

Thanks, the Great Butler. It is based off EVIL MYSTERY DUNGEON!

Yay for choppiness!

 

[Tezza]

I agree, as much as I love the personality that comes across its kind of choppy and rushed. The start as good but where from after she meets the boss it feels hasty, information thrown at the reader who haven't figured out what's going anyway. Take your time to build up some more details, like where Aya was previously and what she thought she was there for. I'd also avoid using jewels to describe eyes.