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A Single White Rose

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Ayra, Mar 23, 2009.

  1. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Rating: PG (I think)
    Hello! My name is Ayra and this is my fan fiction. The last time I posted it, it died. So, I'll try again. Here are the rules:

    1. No flaming
    2. No cursing
    3. Please read it and review

    I wrote this fan fiction in conjunction with corsolakid.

    PM List

    1.corsolakid

    A Single White Rose

    Chapter 1

    Savoya’s come and gone now it’s time for Jason and Ayra to head to a new region! Fincayra is a region of lovers, with nearly every Contest being Partner Contests, so begins the story of Zodiacshipping! The love between Jason and Ayra will reach its peak! So everything begins at the port city of Jadelight.

    The stage is set at the port city of Jadelight, the only port in Fincayra. Jadelight is a beautiful city that's famous for its large market that sells everything from Potions to Pokétches to Pokénavs. A large ship from Savoya pulls into the harbor and that's where our story begins.

    A gorgeous 18 year old girl with blue eyes and long blond hair, wearing a blue miniskirt, white halter top, a Beautifly pendant, blue platform shoes with crisscrossing straps that stopped at her knee, a blue backpack with two pockets on each side and a pocket in front, two plain gold bracelets on each arm, a Pokétch on her left wrist, a blue barrette with a Pokéball on it, and a blue Pokéball belt walked off the ramp of the opulent white S.S. Diamond cruise ship with a Beautifly that had sparkling wings perched on her head.

    “Jason! Hurry up Slowpoke! We’re already in Fincayra! We have to get to Sandstream Town to renew our Pokedéxes!” the girl yells.

    “I’m coming Ayra! Sheesh!” yelled a young man. “Are so hyper because you won the Savoya Grand Festival?”

    At that, a handsome 18 year old boy with aqua blue eyes, dirty blond hair, red sunglasses, a light blue shirt, an open white jacket, white pants with blue rectangles on the sides, blue shoes with white laces, and a red backpack with a single cross chest strap walked off the ship.

    “And why do we have to renew our Pokédexes when there aren’t any new Pokémon in this region?” Jason whined.

    “Supposedly Fincayra follows Sinnoh’s Super Contests in the Pokéball Seals, dressing up and so on. So in order to qualify, you have to renew your Pokédex.” Ayra replied. “And yes, I am psyched about my Grand Festival win!”

    “So that’s why you made those Capsule things? For the stuff that we need for the Contests?” Jason asked.

    “Yup. My Capsules hold our outfits, tents, cooking supplies, berries and other stuff.” Ayra replied.

    “You’re so smart Ay!” Jason shouted in awe. "You found a way to fit all of that stuff into a small bottle! It's amazing!"

    "As are you." Jason thought to himself.

    “Thanks!" Ayra replied, blushing.

    Ayra and Jason then walked to the Pokémon Center in order to send some of their Pokémon back to Prof. Birch. As they entered the Pokémon Center, they saw Nurse Joy and Chansey at the desk. They then went to a video phone and called Prof. Birch.

    "Oh hello you two!" Prof. Birch greeted. "How have you guys been?"

    "Very good Prof. Birch." Ayra replied.

    "Why did you call?" Prof. Birch inquired.

    "We want to send some of our Pokemon to you." Ayra answered.

    At that, Ayra and Jason pulled out some Pokeballs and put them in the station that sent them over to the Professor. Jason sent over eight Pokeballs and Ayra sent over nineteen Pokeballs.

    "Okay," Prof. Birch replied after getting the Pokeballs. "I'll take good care of them."

    "Thank you Professor." Ayra and Jason said together.

    At that, Ayra and Jason said goodbye to Prof. Birch and left the Pokemon Center.

    "Oh! Let’s blaze! We might be able to make to Sandstream Town before dark if we leave now!” Ayra said hurriedly.

    “Okay, let’s hit it!” Jason yelled enthusiastically.

    Ayra and Jason then started walking down the road to Sandstream Town, pausing every now and then to admire the scenery.

    ~One Hour Later~

    "Hey Ay?" Jason started.

    "Yes Jason?" Ayra replied.

    "I'm hungry." Jason said.

    "Okay, then let's stop for lunch." Ayra replied.

    Ayra then opened the front pocket of her backpack and pulled out a small white case. She then opened the case to reveal small thin bottles with a button on top of the bottle, each had a different colored label on it. She then consulted the top of the case, which held a list of what bottle had what. After checking the list, Ayra pulled out a small bottle with a purple label and pressed the button on the top. She then threw the bottle at the ground. There was small burst of gas then a cooking set was there. All of the pieces had a purple button on them.

    "Cool Ay! I'll go get some sticks for the fire!" Jason said as he ran off.

    "And get some large stones while you're at it!" Ayra yelled after him.

    Half an hour later, a fire was heating a pot of stew while Ayra set the table, which had a blue button on the bottom. Ayra then went to her backpack and pulled out a drawing pad and an art pencils kit. Meanwhile Jason released Corsola and brought out a set of grooming supplies.

    "What are you drawing today?" Jason inquired.

    "You." Ayra replied.

    "Me?!" Jason yelled, blushing furiously.

    "Yes!" Ayra replied. "I want you to start grooming Corsola and I'll draw that!"

    "Oh." Jason replied, disappointedly.

    So they were silent after that, the only sounds were of Ayra's pencil and Jason's brushes. After she checked the stew several times, she checked on it the last time.

    "Jason!" Ayra exclaimed. "The stew's done! Come on. Let's eat fast then get back to the road!"

    "You've got it!" Jason replied.

    After they had finished eating Ayra packed up the supplies by pushing the buttons on them, returning them to their bottle form. She then put them back into the case and packed her drawing supplies and the white case back into her backpack. While Jason put his grooming supplies away and recalled Corsola.

    "Come on Jason!" Ayra yelled. "We still have some time before it starts to get dark out!"

    "Okay, okay, I'm coming!" Jason yelled in reply.

    At that Jason followed after Ayra, with a look of longing in his eyes, unaware that Ayra was thinking of him fondly. Will they ever confess their love and live happily ever after? The answers lie at Rubyrain City, home of the Fincayra Grand Festival.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Preview for Chapter 2:
    Ayra, Jason, and Belle are heading for Sandstream Town when they spot two strange people attacking a pair of Ponyta. Ayra is outraged about how they're treating the Pokémon and attacks them. They get infuriated and attack her, but Jason gets in the way. How will this turn out?! What happens when Jason risks his life for Ayra?!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Well, here it is. I know it's kind of short, but I made it on the spot.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2009
  2. Blue Snover

    Blue Snover Cold as ice

    Not bad for your first fic Ayra, i like it but i think that it could do with a little more description.

    The grammar looks fine though.
     
  3. fishyfool

    fishyfool And a nice chianti

    I've read this before, and one frets for the future as one knows pretty much a good bit of the plot.

    The fact is, it seems you've merely reposted rather than rewritten, and with what the pair meet later on, one fears this could possibly degenerate into the same problem that plagued it before: Mary-sue's curse.

    There are a few things to go over.

    Merely having a cutaway or scene change dictated by a temporal adjustment like this is pretty bad, as it simply states that you were a little lazy. The best way to cure this is simply to imply it in a small sentence between them, like this...

    It looks and reads better than a transition like the one above.

    Secondly, the preview. Although there's nothing wrong with it, perhaps some people would prefer reading the preview if it were in spoiler tags, as it can give away the plot. We know that the next chapter will feature two people attacking some Ponyta and Ayra getting ****** about it, but this is basically the chapter plot. A preview, to be more acute, is just that: A sneak peek at a little bit of the next chapter, not the summary of the next chapter.
     
  4. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    First off this is extremely rushed. Secondly- if you had posted this before, according to Fishy, and instead of taking the time you had to rewrite, edit and revamp your work, you instead post old stuff, you really aren't one who wants to improve.

    But then again you are the one that got in a hissy fit because I wasn't wowed by your art in what was it, Danchimchar's fic, and I was mean.

    Secondly... Shippy stories.. don't go here.

    Thirdly, already I don't like the characters. Sure most people want eye appealing characters- but usually all are except for horribly maimed villains which is cliche. But with how you told us they looked, poorly I might add, it feels like some bad excrept from a racey romance novel that describes once in detail how the character looks and then poorly reminds you about this small tidbit or that as you go on a grande adventure of nada.

    So not only is she beautiful, she's smart- and smarter than her boyfriend. And wow. I usually go a more original route of Pokeballs for pokemon and Item balls for things that are to big and bulky. Not just that it's so .. convienent. Oh I'm super smart and I can make a garage sized space inside a milk bottle without bending the frabric of time and space to much because I am amazingly brilliant and beautiful!

    Wow.

    To be flat out brutally honest, I doubt this goes here as you really are trying to make this something to lovey-dovey and any advice here will rip this to shreds, as the characters are flat and bland, the interaction is beyond dull. What description you have is only there when absolutely needed or textblocked so you don't have to ever describe them again.

    It's a bad romance story and it deserves to be in the Shipper's section, real characters or not.

    That and it also reeks dangerously of Sue Insert seeing how the main fem character and you, share the same name.

    And your characters are dumber than dirt if they can't tell they like eachother. Or to self centered.

    Ok- attacking how? I mean if you're attacking pokemon to capture them, how is that bad?

    What, it's evil to capture pokemon?

    Well damn right if someone interupted my battle to capture a Ponyta I would be mad too! A selfish self centered arrogant brat deciding that it's bad for me to catch a pokemon has no right to make my time be wasted like that!

    And wow- real selfless act. /yawn.

    Risks .. his life?

    What, did Punches and Kicks become super effective death or something?

    ... Seriously take your time. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors. Maybe read a few stories that aren't romance novels. Or no- maybe you should go find some romance stories that aren't drowning in cliches like this is. And work on description, flow, depth, detail.. just about everything.

    Or if you don't- get to the Shippers' section.
     
  5. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    I don't really think a 'fic can "take off" if you only post one chapter. And looking at your old thread, and it wasn't that old mind you, you really didn't change anything to make a new thread anyway.

    That's besides the point though. Let's just jump into it.

    Yeah, that's not long and windy at all.

    It's okay if you break up character description over the span of several paragraphs. Hell, over the span of the story really. You also don't need to separate character description in its own special paragraph either; you can embed it with action.

    • Your character fiddling with her necklace
    • Your character putting stuff inside her backpack
    • Your character adjusting her skirt
    And so on. An easy way of doing this is starting with a foundation of your character so the reader can get the basic gist of what she looks like and then building from there.

    In this case, your foundation of your character would be her physical features: Blond hair, blue eyes, lean frame (or so I assume if we're fitting this cliche formula). You also want to try simply blunting stating it to. Try having Ayra doing something while describing her description.

    EXAMPLE: Ayra examined the city in front of her, her blue eyes sweeping over the landscape. The wind blew, kicking up her long, blond hair and annoying teasing her face. She then shivered as she felt a pair of arms wrap around her small waist, but soon realized it was her friend.

    "Blah, random dialogue," said Ayra, pulling away from her friend, immediately reaching for her necklace out of nervousness.

    "More blah. You look nice today," replied random guy with a smile.

    Ayra tugged down at her blue miniskirt before readjusting her white halter top.

    And soooo on.

    While we're on the topic of Ayra (Yami commented on this), why is she is so ... perfect? The "ideal" girl with her pretty hair and her gorgeous face, her ability to create something Mary Poppin that can store infinite amount of items, and carting around nineteen pokemon compared to her friend's feeble eight? Literally, she is like a Barbie. Pretty ... with no personality. Flat. Boring. Bland. Is she a sassy character? Is she humble? Stuck up? Quiet? Loud? What?

    It's also okay to give you character faults; we're all human. This is why it is not recommended you base a character off yourself; you're less apt to give your character faults because it is hard for a person to accept, let alone write, about their troubles.

    Is there really anything going on in terms of plot? o_O We're in some city, then went to Professor Birch, then ate lunch. What's the conflict? The antagonist? Are we just getting into a bunch of shenanigans with your characters? >_>

    Unfortunately this is why you simply can't write just a shipping 'fic because there really is no plot besides whether or not the two characters get together or not. And not unless you're an avid shipper of that shipping, it's going to get boring. Fast. The development of your characters' relationship can play a big role in the story, of course, but you want to give them a back plot too, such as they're competing in Pokemon Contests (and it seems like you're doing that, but never mentioned it besides in this odd ... summary thing in the beginning).

    Anyway, this does belong in "shipping fics", subforum of the shippers forum. It may be better received there.
     
  6. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Sorry guys. I suck at this.

    Chapter 2​

    As Ayra and Jason traveled towards Sandstream Town, they noticed two Ponyta that were being attacked by a pair of people in blue outfits.

    “Jason, look!” Ayra yelled. “Do you see that?! Those two Ponyta are being attacked!”

    “I see it!” Jason replied. “We’ve gotta save them!”

    Ayra, Jason, and Belle then started running towards the two people attacking the Ponyta. As they got closer, they got a clearer view of the attackers. They saw that one of the attackers was female and the other was male. The female had long pink hair in a ponytail, pink eyes, gold crescent moon earrings, a blue belly shirt with a large black ‘E’ on the front, a blue miniskirt, long white gloves, and short white boots. The male had black hair and eyes, a blue short sleeve tee-shirt with a large black ‘E’ on the front, blue pants, and white boots. They then saw that they had an Absol and an Umbreon out.

    “Absol, Water Pulse!” the female shouted. Apparently the Absol was hers.

    “Absol!” the Pokémon replied.

    Absol then gained a blue outline and summoned a wall of water that crashed into the Ponyta with blue flames, a shiny Ponyta. The Ponyta whinnied in agony and collapsed in pain. Meanwhile, Ayra, Jason, and Belle were getting closer and her partner’s Umbreon was attacking the Ponyta with red flames, a normal Ponyta.

    “Umbreon, Psychic!” the male shouted.

    “Umbreon!” the Pokémon replied.

    At that, Umbreon gained a sky blue outline and its eyes turned sky blue as well. The Ponyta, then, gained a sky blue outline and began to panic. As the Ponyta tried to run away it suddenly flew 60 feet up in the air, still being held by the sky blue light. Then, suddenly, the light disappeared and the Ponyta started plummeting towards the ground.

    “Oh, no,” Ayra thought. “If it hits the ground it’ll break every bone in its body! I’ve gotta do something!”

    “Belle, use Psychic!” Ayra yelled.

    “Beautifly!” Belle replied.

    Suddenly, the Ponyta slowed down and landed softly on the ground. The Ponyta then collapsed next to the shiny Ponyta.

    “Great job Belle!” Ayra said happily. “All the training paid off! If I hadn’t told you to use Psychic, I wouldn’t have known you did use it! Now use Hyper Beam! Teach those bullies a lesson!”

    Belle nodded her head and curled up her nose and revealed her mouth. She then opened her mouth and started to gather energy. Absol and Umbreon saw what was happening and jumped in front of their Trainers just as Belle had finished gathering power. Belle, then, shot out an enormous beam of white light that crashed into Absol and Umbreon. The force was so great that it pushed all four of them into a large tree trunk some fourteen meters away, while Ayra, Jason, and Belle ran over to the injured Ponyta.

    “How do they look Ay?” Jason asked frantically. “Are they okay?!”

    “No, Jay.” Ayra replied, panic-stricken. “No they’re NOT okay. Thankfully, the normal Ponyta is just unconscious from fright. She’s not in critical condition, but the shiny Ponyta, we’ve got to get her to a Pokémon Center!”

    “What?!” Jason yelled. “Can’t we do something? How long would it take to get to Sandstream Town? Where is it?!”

    “I’ll check.” Ayra replied.

    At that, Ayra opened the bottom left side-pocket of her backpack, pulled out a blue PokéNav, opened it, and checked their position. Meanwhile, the pair of people that Belle attacked had recovered from the Hyper Beam, and they were VERY angry.

    “Umbreon, Psychic on that girl!” the male shouted.

    “Absol, Razor Wind on her!” the female followed.

    Ayra then gained a sky blue outline and rose into the air. At first, Ayra was scared stiff, but, when she reached 60 feet up, she became calm and collected. Jason, on the other hand, wasn’t calm AT ALL.

    “AYRA!!!!!!!!” Jason screamed, horrified.

    Meanwhile, Absol’s scythe glowed white. Absol then slashed the air with its scythe sending white air slashes up at Ayra.

    “Belle,” Ayra yelled. “Use Razor Wind!”

    “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!” the male and female yelled. “Beautiflies can’t use Razor Wind!”

    They were wrong. Belle’s antennas’ had started glowing while they had been screaming.

    “Belle!” Ayra yelled. “Forward Rapid Spin!”

    Belle, then, spun at a very high speed in a forward cartwheel sending air slashes at the ones Absol sent at Ayra. When they hit each other they caused a large explosion that caused Umbreon to lose its focus and broke its Psychic. Ayra then began to plummet towards the ground. Despite that, Ayra remained perfectly calm while Jason was panicking.

    “Bayleef, curtain call!” Jason shouted while throwing a Pokéball into the air.

    The Pokéball popped open and shot out a burst of white light. After the light hit the ground it became a Bayleef.

    “Bayleef, Vine Whip!” Jason yelled. “Catch her!”

    “Bay, Bay!” Bayleef replied.

    At that, Bayleef shot out two green vines towards Ayra. They wrapped around her waist and pulled her back towards Bayleef. Jason then ran to her and hugged her tightly.

    “Oh thank god!” Jason sobbed. “Thank god you’re okay, Ay! I thought my heart would stop!”

    “I’m sorry for worrying you, Jay.” Ayra said, apologetically. “But, you know I’m an excellent gymnast. I was about to start forward spinning when Bayleef grabbed me. I would’ve landed on my feet.”

    “Oh!” Jason said, shocked. “I forgot that! I was so worried about you that saving you was the only thing in my mind!”

    Ayra blushed at that statement.

    “Do I tell him now?” Ayra thought.

    “Um, J-Jason?” Ayra stuttered. “I-I, l-lo-“

    Unfortunately, Ayra couldn’t finish her sentence. After the male and female had recovered from the shock of seeing a Beautifly that could use Razor Wind they restarted their attack.

    “Answer this little girl,” the female said. “How can your Beautifly know Razor Wind?!”

    “All of our Pokémon are special.” Ayra replied. “The longer they’re with us the more powers they get.”

    “Belle, however, has always been special.” Jason added. “When she was a Wurmple, she was blue instead of the purple that shiny Wurmples are. But that’s beside the point, who are you two?!”

    “Prepare for an attack from a shooting star.” The female started.

    “Defend yourselves for trouble from the moon afar.” The male continued.

    “To harness the power of the moon and sun.” the female continued.

    “The world will be perfect when we’re done.” The male continued.

    “Luna.” The female said.

    “Artemis.” The male said.

    “Team Eclipse flies to space with all its might.” Luna continued.

    “Obey us now or get ready to fight.” Artemis finished.

    “Um,” Ayra and Jason replied, while sweat-dropping.

    “Now,” Artemis started. “Give us your Pokémon!”

    “No way!!” Ayra and Jason yelled.

    “Then we’ll take them by force!” Luna spat. “Absol use Flamethrower on that girl!”

    Absol then opened its mouth and shot a long stream of fire at Ayra.

    “Ayra!” Jason yelled as he jumped in front of her.

    “Bay Bay!” Bayleef screamed.

    In order to protect his master Bayleef shoved Jason out of the way and took the full brunt of the Flamethrower. Being a Grass-type, Bayleef was very weak against Fire-type moves like Flamethrower. But then, after he was hit by it, he began to glow white.

    “What’s happening to Bayleef?” Jason asked.

    “Bayleef,” Ayra started, in awe. “Jason, he’s evolving.”

    Sure enough, Bayleef’s body began to change. His body became bigger, the leaf on his head disappeared and he got antennas instead, and he got a large flower around his neck. After he stopped glowing, Bayleef was gone and Meganium was there instead.

    "Bayleef evolved into Meganium!" Ayra said excitedly. "Now, let's teach those meanies a lesson!"

    “Right!” Jason agreed. “Meganium, use Solarbeam!”

    Meganium then started gathering sunlight into his flower.

    “Absol, use Flamethrower again!” Luna shouted, panicking.

    “Umbreon, use Swift!” Artemis ordered, also panicking.

    Once again, Absol opened its mouth and shot out a long stream of fire, this time at Meganium. At the same time, Umbreon also opened its mouth, but instead of fire it shot out many little white stars at Meganium. However, Ayra was quicker.

    “Belle, use Protect!” Ayra yelled.

    “Beau!” Belle nodded.

    Belle then flew over in front of Meganium. Then her wings glowed white. She then emitted a transparent barrier of light that protected her and Meganium from the Flamethrower and Swift attacks. During all this, Meganium kept gathering sunlight in preparation for the Solarbeam. After the Swift and Flamethrower attacks were over and the Protect was gone, the Solarbeam was ready.

    “Belle, come back!” Ayra shouted.

    “Meganium, Solarbeam!” Jason yelled.

    Belle then flew over to Ayra. When Belle was out of harm’s way, Meganium shot out a huge beam of light at Absol and Umbreon. When the light slammed into Absol and Umbreon it forced them back and made them slam into Luna and Artemis and knocked them over. Ayra gave them no recovery time.

    “Belle, Hyper Beam!” Ayra yelled. “Send those meanies flying!”

    And Belle did just that. For a second time, Belle curled up her nose, opened her mouth, and shot out a Hyper Beam. And sure enough, when the Hyper Beam hit them they were sent flying.

    “Awesome Belle!” Ayra yelled joyously.

    Ayra then ran to Belle and hugged her tightly. Belle, in turn, hugged her back. Meanwhile, Jason walked over to Meganium and petted his neck.

    “You were amazing Meganium.” Jason praised. “Absolutely amazing.”

    “I can’t wait to see it in Contes-.” Ayra started. “Oh no, we forgot about the Ponyta!”

    Ayra, Jason, Belle, and Meganium ran over to where the Ponyta were. When they got there, they saw that the normal Ponyta was up and was nudging and nickering to the shiny Ponyta, who wasn’t responding.

    “Ay,” Jason started, horrified. “Is it dead?”

    “No Jay.” Ayra replied, tensely. “No she’s not, but we have to get her to a Pokémon Center.”

    “Which is closer?” Jason asked. “Jadelight or Sandstream?”

    “Sandstream.” Ayra answered. “If we hurry, we might get her there before it’s too late.”

    “Then let’s go!” Jason yelled.

    “Hold on.” Ayra said.

    Ayra walked over to the shiny Ponyta and picked her up.

    “Ponyta,” Ayra said to the normal Ponyta in a soothing voice. “We’re taking your little sister with us.”

    “Sister?” Jason inquired.

    “She called her that when she was trying to wake her.” Ayra answered.

    Suddenly, they heard a whinny of fury.

    “Uh oh,” Ayra said. “Jason, hold Ponyta.”

    Ayra then handed the shiny Ponyta to Jason. Unfortunately, she was so heavy that Jason collapsed under her weight.

    “Man, I wish I was as strong as Ayra is.” Jason wished, wryly.

    “Don’t worry Ponyta.” Ayra said calmly as she slowly walked up to the Ponyta. “We’re not kidnapping your sister, we’re taking her to a place where she can get better, okay? If you don’t believe me, you can come with us.”

    The Ponyta thought about it for a little while. She then nodded and walked over to Ayra.

    “Okay Jay,” Ayra said. “Let’s hurry!”

    “Right!” Jason replied.

    Ayra ran over to Jason, picked up the shiny Ponyta, put her over her shoulder and started running towards Sandstream Town with Belle following her. Meanwhile, Jason recalled Meganium, and then he and Ponyta ran after Ayra. Will they make it to Sandstream Town in time?! Only time will tell.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Preview for Chapter 3:
    Ayra, Belle, Jason, and Ponyta are racing to Sandstream Town. But, because they're so rushed, they accidentally crash into a young couple. They are outraged and demand that Ayra and Jason battle them, how much of a delay will they be?!

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    I hope this is better. And guys? Please go easy.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2009
  7. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Well Gee wiz, maybe if you had even listened to us, or read what Breezy and I had wrote, maybe we would slacken up a bit if you even tried to listen to what we told you. But you didn't. And you posting a chapter IMEDIATELY after our reviews, tells me that.

    Ok so imediately the protagonists know that these people aren't trying to catch Ponyta, but are being brutaly tortured, beaten, abused and sadistically prepared for sacrifice, but yet you don't take the time to show us this. Just have them heroically get ****** off and go in to save the day!

    Cough. If I wanted that I'd watch some anime or kiddy toons.

    Um ... yay? You actually described?

    But again how is it the people who are bad? The pokemon did this of its own free will. I do not see, The man grinned with sadistic joy as the screaming whinnies of pain and terror filled the air from the unnaturally colored Ponyta, as its fellow first cried out in rage and then fear as he snapped out an attack that his Umbreon was swift to follow.

    "Umbreon, Psychic! Take it as high as you can go!"

    "Breon bre!" The dark fox like cat hissed out, red eyes flashing as its lips pulled back in a grim mockery of its master as the pokemon pushed and pulled and wrestled with the psychic powers stolen within it, before grabbing the enraged Ponyta in a sickly blue aura. And before the pony pokemon could react, it was swiftly hurled skywards.


    .. So .. maybe .. now you get it? .. or maybe you don't .. cause I doubt you really care about getting better- and I don't know why I'm bothering. If you don't want to get better, fine, ignore our reviews and request a Moderator to put this in Shippy Fiction where EVERYONE goes easy on you afaik.

    Cause.. you're not even listening to the ones that did go easy on you and suggest you do something differently, instead of you know spoiling the whole next damn chapter- not like that wouldn't happen anyways but.

    You just want mindless praise.

    Shippers Forum most likely gives it.

    So as I said request a mod to have it moved to the shippers fix forum. Where no one will hastle you to improve your writing. Or give you advice to do so.
     
  8. Blue Snover

    Blue Snover Cold as ice

    You don't suck Ayra, it's your first fic and not everyone is perfect.

    As long as you take the comments on board, i'm sure you'll be fine.

    I think your description has improved a little, and i agree with spacing it out a bit, it's just so when people are reading through it they aren't overpowered by a big block of description.

    Just stick with it and it'll improve, you might want to get someone to be a beta for you, so they can give you a few pointers.
     
  9. Ayra

    Ayra ~Master Coordinator~

    Chapter 3

    Ayra, Jason, Belle, and Ponyta continue racing towards Sandstream Town in order to save Ponyta’s shiny baby sister. Unfortunately, because they were in such a hurry, they weren’t looking where they were going and crashed into a young couple, sending dust flying. The shiny Ponyta then flew over to the normal Ponyta who caught her and put her on her back.

    “Ouch!” the couple yelled. “What was that for?!”

    After the dust settled, Ayra and Jason got a good look at the people they crashed into. It turned out that they crashed into a young man and a young woman, and both were good-looking. The young woman had long blond hair, blue eyes, a long, pink, body-hugging dress that stopped at her knees, a pink hair bow, two plain gold bracelets on each arm, pink stud earrings, a plain pink chocker, and white high-heels with straps on her toes and ankles. The young man had short blue hair and blue eyes, a white tuxedo with a blue shirt, and white dress shoes.

    “We’re really sorry.” Ayra said apologetically. “But we don’t have time to talk, we have to get to Sandstream.”

    “Oh no you don’t!” the young man spat. “You won’t get away with knocking down my fiancée! You have to battle us right here and now!”

    “Ay, what do we do?!” Jason asked frantically

    “There’s nothing we can do.” Ayra replied tensely. “We have to accept.”

    “But what about the Ponyta?”

    “We’ve got no choice but to catch them.”

    Ayra walked over to the normal Ponyta, who was still holding the shiny Ponyta.

    “Ponyta,” Ayra started in a soothing voice. “We have to catch you and your sister. But don’t worry. We won’t steal you. Your sister will recover just a little bit in a Pokéball.”

    The normal Ponyta thought about it. She then nodded her head. Ayra then did two back-flips and landed next to Jason.

    “Okay Jason,” Ayra started. “You catch the shiny.”

    “Are you sure Ay?” Jason asked.

    “Positive.” Ayra replied.

    “Hey,” Jason directed to the couple. “Um, you guys-“

    “’You guys’?!” the boy yelled, insulted. “Don’t you dare call us that!”

    “I’m Cyndy!” the girl yelled.

    “And I’m Marcus!” the boy yelled.

    Cyndy and Marcus,” Jason corrected. “We’ll battle you as soon as we’re done.”

    “Fine.” Cyndy replied.

    “Thanks!”

    Jason then pulled out a Pokéball.

    “Pokéball, go!” Jason yelled as he threw the Pokéball at the shiny Ponta.

    When the Pokéball hit the shiny Ponyta, it opened up, the shiny Ponyta turned into red light, and receded into the Pokéball. The Pokéball then closed up and hit the ground. Once it hit the ground it started to shake and the button on it started to blink red. Then, after the third time, it stopped shaking and the button stopped blinking, signifying a successful capture. Immediately, the red part of the Pokéball turned green, signifying that it contained a shiny Pokémon. Jason then ran over to the Pokéball and picked it up.

    “All right!” Jason yelled as he punched up the hand that held the Pokéball. “I caught a Ponyta!”

    Ayra then opened the bottom right pocket of her backpack and took out a Pokéball.

    “Pokéball, go!” Ayra yelled as she threw the Pokéball at the Ponyta.

    The same thing that happened with the shiny Ponyta happened with Ayra’s Pokéball. Ayra then ran over to the Pokéball, picked it up, and declared that she had caught a Ponyta.

    “All right Ponyta, stage on!” Ayra yelled as she threw Ponyta’s Pokéball into the air.

    The Pokéball opened up and shot a beam of white light at the ground. When the light hit the ground, it became Ponyta. Ayra then walked over to her.

    “Ponyta, can I give you a nickname?” Ayra asked.

    Ponyta nodded.

    “Your name is now Flara.” Ayra said. “Do you like it?”

    Flara nodded her head. Ayra took Flara’s Pokéball off her belt and returned her. She then took Belle’s Pokéball off her barrette, maximized it, returned Belle, minimized it, then turned to face Jason.

    “Ready Jay?” Ayra asked.

    “You bet!” Jason answered.

    "Let’s take this to that field over there.” Ayra said to Marcus and Cyndy as she pointed to an open field.

    “Finally!” Marcus yelled, exasperated.

    Ayra, Jason, Marcus, and Cyndy then walked over to the field. Marcus and Cyndy took one side of the field and Ayra and Jason took the other side. Marcus, Cyndy, and Jason each took out a Pokéball. They all maximized them at the same time.

    “Belle!” Ayra yelled.

    “Meganium!” Jason yelled.

    “Bastiodon!” Marcus yelled.

    “Pachirisu!” Cyndy yelled.

    “TAKE THE STAGE!!!”

    They then threw their Pokéballs into the air. The Pokéballs then opened and shot out a Pokémon. When Ayra’s Pokéball shot out Belle, instead of seeing her, there was a spinning figure spreading different colored sparkles as it spun. Then, in a burst of colored sparkles, Belle spread her wings and made a beautiful and powerful pose. Jason’s Pokéball shot out Meganium, who landed next to Belle. Marcus’ Pokéball shot out a Bastiodon. Cyndy’s Pokéball shot out a Pachirisu, who scampered over to Bastiodon.

    “Meganium use Razor Leaf!”

    “Belle use Silver Wind!”

    Meganium shook his head side to side. Every time his head shook, razor sharp crescent moon shaped leaves shot in a circle formation towards Bastiodon and Pachirisu. At the same time, Belle forcefully flapped her wings, sending silver slashes at Bastiodon and Pachirisu. When the slashes hit the leaves they coated them in silver, powered them up, and made them go faster.

    “Bastiodon, Protect!”

    “Pachirisu, hide behind Bastiodon!”

    Pachirisu scampered behind Bastiodon. After Pachirisu was behind him, Bastiodon emitted a translucent wall of light that blocked the leaves. However, the barrier only protected the front. Ayra noticed this and got an idea.

    “Belle,” Ayra said, telepathically. “Teleport behind Bastiodon and use Hyper Beam.”

    Belle disappeared then reappeared behind Bastiodon and Pachirisu. She then curled up her nose, opened her mouth, and began to gather energy. Unfortunately, Cyndy saw that.

    “Pachirisu, Thunderbolt on Beautifly!” Cyndy ordered.

    Pachirisu nodded her head, turned around, gathered electricity at her cheeks, and loosed it at Belle. However, Ayra was quicker.

    “Belle, Psychic! Turn it back!” Ayra yelled.

    The electricity then stopped and turned back at Pachirisu. However, Marcus saw that.

    “Bastiodon, jump in front of Pachirisu and use Protect!” Marcus ordered.

    Bastiodon jumped in front of Pachirisu and, once again, exuded a translucent wall of white light that protected them from the electricity. Jason then saw his chance.

    “Meganium, Magical Leaf!” Jason yelled.

    Meganium moved his head side-to-side, shooting out color changing leaves at Bastiodon. Luckily, as soon as Pachirisu noticed, it was too late to stop them. The leaves slammed into Bastiodon. Luckily, that attack was so powerful that it knocked out Bastiodon. Marcus returned Bastiodon with a scowl. Now, Pachirisu was alone to deal with Meganium and Belle.

    “Pachirisu, Thunderbolt at Beautifly!” Cyndy yelled.

    Once again, Pachirisu gathered blue electricity in her cheeks and fired it at Belle. However, Ayra and Jason were faster.

    “Belle, Psychic then Flash!” Ayra yelled.

    “Meganium, Body Slam!” Jason ordered.

    The electricity then froze in its tracks while Meganium sprang up into the air. Belle’s wings then emitted a blinding white light that froze Pachirisu in her tracks. Meganium then landed, full force, on Pachirisu, knocking her out. Cyndy recalled her, mad, while Ayra ran over to Belle and Jason ran over to Meganium. They praised their Pokémon and Jason recalled Meganium.

    “That’s it!” Marcus snarled.

    “From now on, we’re rivals!” Cyndy yelled. “When we meet at the Opalline City Couple Contest, get ready to lose!”

    “Regardless,” Ayra began. “You lost the battle, so you have to pay us.”

    “Right.” Marcus snarled.

    He then pulled out a blue card that had a silver stripe at the bottom. On top of that, in gold letters, were the words, ”POKéMON WORLD MARCUS”. At the same time, Ayra pressed the down button on her Pokétch once. The screen left the clock and, instead, showed a screen that, at the top, said, ”Card” with a box next to it. Under that said “Action” with a “+” and a “ - “ next to it. Under that was “Amount” with a box next to it. Finally, under that, were the #’s 0-9 and a “. “ in a line. On the right side of her Pokétch, a card swipe appeared. Marcus went over to Ayra and swiped his card on her Pokétch. His name then appeared in the Card box. He took the tiny Stylus under the screen under the screen, pressed the minus button, typed 1008.00, and went back to Cyndy. Cyndy and Marcus then walked off down a left way path to Opalline City. After that, Ayra and Jason kept running towards Sandstream Town. They never stopped until they reached Sandstream’s Pokémon Center. They then ran up to Nurse Joy.

    “Please Nurse Joy,” Ayra said, panting. “Please help Jason’s Ponyta!”

    Jason, who was also panting, took out Ponyta’s green Pokéball and threw it. The Pokéball then burst open and shot out the shiny Ponyta, who then collapsed onto the floor. Nurse Joy gasped and ran over to it.

    “Ponyta’s in critical condition!” Nurse Joy said, horrified. “It needs to be in the emergency room! Chansey, please bring a stretcher!”

    A Chansey then wheeled a stretcher over to Ponyta. Nurse Joy lifted Ponyta onto the stretcher. She then turned to Jason and Ayra.

    “I don’t know how long the operation will take.” Nurse Joy told them. “So I think you should stroll around town. But I won’t know how to call you.”

    “We’ll come back in an hour.” Jason said.

    Nurse Joy nodded and ran to the emergency room with Chansey and Ponyta. Jason then turned to Ayra.

    “So Ay,” Jason started. “What are we going to do in the hour?”

    “Well,” Ayra started, thinking. “We need to get our Pokédexes renewed. We’ll need to get more supplies too. I made a grocery list. I’ll need to get my PokéNav updated and get more drawing supplies. You said that you needed more grooming supplies. I also want to buy a Pokégear.”

    “Wow.” Jason replied, dazed. “Can we get all of that done here?”

    “I doubt it.” Ayra answered, glumly. “I think we can only get our Pokédexes renewed and get my PokéNav updated. We’ll probably have to get to a city to get everything else done.”

    “Oh well.” Jason said, sighing. “So where do we get our Pokédexes renewed?”

    “Fincayra’s Professor’s lab.” Ayra answered. “I can get my PokéNav updated there.”

    “So then let’s go!” Jason exclaimed. Then, suddenly, his stomach growled.

    “I guess we should add lunch to the to-do list.” Ayra said, giggling. “Oh yeah! I need to add the money to my card!”

    Ayra then swiped her card on her Pokétch, added the money to her card, and switched her Pokétch back to the clock. After that, she and Jason left the Pokémon Center to find a restaurant. When they found a restaurant, they ordered burgers, fries, and sodas. Ayra then opened her backpack, pulled out a blue plastic dish with Belle’s name on it, opened the bottom right pocket of her backpack, pulled out a Pokéblock dispenser with Belle’s name on it, opened the dispenser, and filled the dish with Pokéblock that had all shades of blue in each one. Belle then flew down and began eating the Pokéblocks. Twenty minutes later, when they finished eating, Ayra went to pay the bill. After she paid the bill, she pulled out a small, sky blue book that had a gold-colored box near the top that said “Bank Book”. She opened the book and, in two of the last three spaces on the first page, under “Reason”, put “Battle” first and “Restaurant” second. Next to “Battle”, under “+/-“, she wrote “+”. Then, next to “Restaurant”, she wrote a “ – “. Then, next to “+”, she wrote, “1008.00”. Then, next to “ - “, she wrote “11.80” She then closed the book and put the book and her card into the bottom left pocket of her backpack. She walked back to where Jason and Belle were. She packed up Belle’s dish. Belle flew over and landed on her shoulder. Jason then put his backpack back on.

    “Well Jay, let’s get going.” Ayra said. “We have fifteen minutes until we have to be at the Pokémon Center again.”

    “How long will it take to get to the Pokémon Lab?” Jason asked.

    “Five minutes.” Ayra answered. “I asked the waiter.”

    They walked out of the restaurant and walked to the Pokémon Lab, using the waiter’s directions. Five minutes later, Jason and Ayra arrived at an opulent white building that had a large Pokéball symbol in front, a sliding glass door under it, and two glass windows on each side. When they walked in, they saw a pretty lady with long brown hair, and green eyes, wearing a blue dress with a white lab coat over it, working at the computer of a large white machine. When Ayra cleared her throat, the lady turned, smiled, got up, and walked over to them.

    “Hello.” She greeted. “My name is Professor Willow. Are you here to get your Pokédexes renewed?”

    “Yes we are.” Jason replied.

    “I would also like to get my PokéNav updated.” Ayra added.

    “Sure thing.” Prof. Willow replied.

    Jason opened his backpack and pulled out a green Pokédex. Meanwhile, Ayra opened the top left pocket of her backpack and pulled out a blue Pokédex, opened the bottom left pocket and pulled out her blue PokéNav. Jason and Ayra then handed the devices to Prof. Willow. She took them and put them into the machine she was working on. She put the Pokédexes into two slots on the right of the computer screen and the PokéNav in a slot on the left side of the screen. She then typed some stuff in the computer. When she was done, she took the devices out of the machine and handed them back to Jason and Ayra, who then packed them away.

    “There.” Prof. Willow said. “You’re all good to go!”

    “Thank you Prof. Willow!” Ayra and Jason said.

    ~10 minutes later~

    As Ayra and Jason walked back into the Pokémon Center, they saw Nurse Joy stroking the shiny Ponyta’s neck. They ran over to her.

    “Ponyta’s in perfect health now.” Nurse Joy said happily. “Would you like me to heal your other Pokémon?”

    “Yes please!” Ayra answered.

    She talked to Belle and returned her to her Pokéball. She then handed her two Pokéballs to Nurse Joy and Jason handed his two to Nurse Joy. Nurse Joy then took them and put them in a white machine behind the front desk. She turned the machine on and waited a couple minutes. She then turned the machine off, took out the Pokéballs, walked back to Jason and Ayra and gave them back their Pokéballs. One of Ayra’s Pokéballs burst open and shot out Belle. Ayra then minimized both Pokéballs and put Belle’s on her barrette and Flara’s on her belt. Meanwhile, Jason had pulled out Ponyta’s Pokéball and recalled her. He then minimized all three Pokéballs and put them in his backpack. When they were ready, Belle flew over to Ayra and landed on her head. Ayra and Jason then thanked Nurse Joy and left the Pokémon Center.

    “So Ay,” Jason started. “Where do we go now?”

    “Opalline City.” Ayra answered. “It’s fifty miles from here. If we take this path, we should get there the day after tomorrow or the day after that.”

    “Great!” Jason said happily. “So let’s get going!”

    He and Ayra walked down the path that led to Opalline City, site of the first Fincayra Contest.

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Preview of Chapter Four:

    Ayra and Jason have arrived at Opalline City. They decide to practice their Contest appeal after they finish shopping. What type of appeal will they use?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Here it is.

    ~Ayra~;267;
     
  10. Blue Snover

    Blue Snover Cold as ice

    Your grammar is fine Ayra, i think the only thing that people will be critical about is the block description, you just need a little space in between for each of the characters.
     

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