A story about trapinch

[catwomen77789]

;196; Trapinch life

Chapter 1 Trapinch attack

Sinla was running down the road. She was getting her first pokemon and she was late.

I could see the lab but then I tripped on something.

It was a trapinch. It then used hyper beam. Before it could hit me a pokeball hit it.

The pokeball wiggled around but then we had it.

Here you are said the proffessor. You can have this one. You have to be careful out there or you could get hurt.

She then went home and packed all her stuff.

Sinla was just about to live when her mom came running yelling no no. I have to give you this I is a pokedex.

Well have a good adventure. Sinla had been walking for hours and hours when she heard a scream. It was a girl with a poke on and she was running from a torches.

Go trap inch yelled Sinla and her trap inch came out.

Use tackle and he knocked out the torches. Sinla throw a poke ball and it wiggle around.

She then had it. Yes Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

Hi said the girl. My name is Mary. Hi I am Sinla want to travel with me. Yeah sure and they headed out together.

 

[PDL]

lesse... where to start...

it appears that this is your very first fanfic, since you're new, I'll just let you of easy by suggesting this advice.

I suggest you should learn write in proper paragraphs first, then read the rules on how to write a story... it also helps to read other fics to see what works and what doesn't.

 

[Psychic]

You know, PDL, just because someone is new, doesn't give them an excuse not to read the rules before posting.


Anyways, I don't think you understand the idea of WRITING or HOW TO WRITE.
First of all, this will tell you all about how to write properly.

But I'll go over this thing anyways.

Sinla was running down the road. She was getting her first pokemon and she was late.

Who is Sinla? What does she look like? Describe her.
Where is she? In a forst? A carnival? Where is going? To a pizza parlor?
Typical, cliché start to a fic; a trainer about to get a Pokémon and is late.

I could see the lab but then I tripped on something.

What lab? Where/how far away is it? What does it look like? Who does it belong to?
Suddenly you're talking from Sinla's point of view? BAD BAD BAD. Either stay in first (I went to the park) or third (Sinla went to the park).

It was a trapinch.

Um, what's a Trapinch? Tell me what it looks like.

It then used hyper beam.

What do you mean? What is a 'Hyper Beam'? What does it look like? Describe

Before it could hit me a pokeball hit it.

What's a Pokéball? Tell me what it looks like. And where did it come from? It just fell out of the sky?

The pokeball wiggled around but then we had it.

So now Sinla has multiple personalities? Who is 'we'? Who's the other person?
And what do you mean 'you had it'? How could you tell? Did the Pokéball scream "YOU CAUGHT A TRAPINCH. YOU ARE COOL." ?

Here you are said the proffessor.

When someone talks, put quotation marks, so it should be like this:
"Here you are," said the professor.
You also mispelt 'professor'. And did this 'professor' just appear out of thin air? How/when did he get there? What does he look like?

You can have this one. You have to be careful out there or you could get hurt.

I have no idea who's saying that, what they mean and why they're saying it.

She then went home and packed all her stuff.

Great, now you're back to third person.
DESCRIBE ALL THIS HAPPENING.

Sinla was just about to live when her mom came running yelling no no.

Don't you mean she was about to LEAVE? And came running from where? What does her mother look like?

I have to give you this I is a pokedex.

I IS A POKEDEX. Yes, her mother is a Pokédex. -.-

Well have a good adventure. Sinla had been walking for hours and hours when she heard a scream.

That should be two seperate paragraphs.
So she's been walking for hours, but instead of describing it you just say it. BORING. DESCRIBE. Jeez.
Where was the scream coming from? Was it from a girl? A boy? How far was it? DESCRIBE.

It was a girl with a poke on and she was running from a torches.

I LAUGH AT YOUR HORRIBLE SENTENCES.
So, this girl has a poke. What's a poke?
What is 'a torches'? You don't use 'a' when a noun is plural. Why is she running from a torch? Unless of course you mean the Pokémon TORCHIC. And then, again, describe.

Go trap inch yelled Sinla and her trap inch came out.

'Trapinch' is one word. And came out of what?

Use tackle and he knocked out the torches.

o.o What the heck? None of that made any sense.

Sinla throw a poke ball and it wiggle around.

THREW IT AT WHAT?!?

She then had it. Yes Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

Again, DESCRIBE. And how was she feeling? Happy? Excited? She SHOULD, but unless you say she is, she isn't.

Hi said the girl. My name is Mary. Hi I am Sinla want to travel with me. Yeah sure and they headed out together.

Wow, that was short. They just tell each other their names then decide to travel together. How nice and UNREALISTIC.




Let's see, how shall I put this?
You can't write for peanuts. English obviously isn't your first language if you're writing like this. Je ne pense pas que tu est un/une Quebequois/e, so you're from some other country. Or maybe you're mentally handicapped. That or you're just four years old.


This fic broke just about every rule there is- not only all the gramatical rules of the English language, but it's too short to be a chapter, meaning this'll be closed by a Mod.


This lacked any description, organization, character wok/personality, originality, realism or even a plot for that matter.
What you need is for an adult- your mom, dad, relative or teacher- to go over this with you and help you write it properly. Because when you did this without help, it was horrible.


I'd give a better review, but you're at the point where I can't help you without being an English tutor, which I don't want to be.


~Psychic

 

[Dragonfree]

Indeed, it's too short and you need to use quotation marks to tell us what is speech and what is not.

Normal stuff, this will be closed unless your next chapter is within the length guidelines, please read the rules, etc.

 

[Pinecone Tortoise]

Well... two things I liked at first - the inclusion of a Trapinch and that you used the word 'wiggled'. >< Personal preference in both cases, but still...

On the other hand, I suggest you start using proper formatting very quickly so that you don't lose readers due to a communication break down. Grammar, spelling and punctuation aren't just there to make the story look pretty (though properly formatted stories DO look more professional and, as such, tend to be treated that way). You need these things so that the reader can understand what you're saying. A few examples:

It was a girl with a poke on and she was running from a torches.

I'm assuming you meant 'It was a girl with a pokemon and she was running from a Torchic'? I can get the gist of this, but the way you have it now, it looks like the girl had a 'poke' on her (perhaps hanging on and continually prodding her in the back?) and was running from a cluster of torches (how inanimate lighting devices can move on their own is beyond me, but the mental image is a funny one).

Yes Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

Without proper punctuation, this could be interpreted to mean either that Sinla yelled 'Yes' or that yes, Sinla really did yell. I'm guessing you wer emeaning to have her yell 'yes', in which case, the way to go about it is:

"Yes," Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

or, even better cause it shows some emotion and excitement,

"Yes!" Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

Very simple changes, very big difference.

Other reviewers have already picked up on other technical errors, so I'll let those lie and suggest that in future, before posting, you copy your chapter into Word and run the Spellchecker. This should pick up on most of the errors. I doubt, however, that it will know if you've changed tense abruptly, so be careful.

If you want to change tense and hve little bits of first person in a predominantly third person story, make sure that the readers know you've done it deliberately. One way to do that is to use italics. You could simply chunk the whole first person section in italics and leave the rest as normal. Just don't go overborad and have huge sections of italics - italics are alright in little bits but in large amounts, they can be painful to read.

And if you don't have access to Word or you don't feel capable/have time to proof read your work, get a beta. A beta reader reads what you've written before you post and makes any corrections that need to be made. They help to eliminate any technical errors and can advise you on actual content. It's like getting someone to reveiw your story before you post so you can improve it before everyone else sees it. If you ask nicely and politely, I reckon pretty much anyone around here would be willing to beta for you.

As to the actual content of your fic, I have to say that I'm shocked at the professor (by the way, who was he/r? You didn't quite mention his/her name.) A clearly aggressive pokemon loaded with one of the most high powered attacks there are and he gave it to a complete newbie trainer? O.O Couldn't he get arrested for something like that? I mean, if Sinla has never had a pokemon before, how would she knw how to train/handle/care for it properly? And if it was freshly caught (and at level 57 or above, since that's when Trapinch learns Hyper Beam, unless it's learnt via TM) then how on earth would Sinla be able to control it? It obviouslyhas no qualms about attacking people... why wouldn't it simply attack her as soon as she lets it out? It would be like travelling with a ticking time bomb on your belt... daren't let it out in case it attacks and daren't leave it in in case other pokemon attack... whoah, such a dilemma!

I'm a bit confused about Mary. You said 'it was a girl with a pokemon' - was that meaning that she had a pokemon or was it meaning the Torchic that was chasing her? If it was a pokemon of her own, why didn't she battle the Torchic herself? And I'll be interested to hear why a Torchic - supposedly so rare it can't be found in the wild - would be in the wild and chasing after her (I'm assuming it was a wild one since Sinla was able to catch it).

Anyway, you've got a really mixed bag here. There's elements that I really like and at the same time, there's elements that I find a little substandard. But if you iron out the problems (especially the formatting!) and you'll be well on your way to writing a real winner! Good luck for next chapter and have fun!

Piney.
;204;;324;

 

[Dilasc]

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG! This is leik t3h best story ever! <Insert a whole bunch of useless and spammy smilies to depict sarcastic n00bishness.>

This story is EPIC! Z0mg! It's 1337! I am so nominating j00 for the awards! I thought Pokemon Miror B. Master, or whatever his name is who wrote that Jedi craphole story was the best writer ever, THIS! This is the beginning of a legend at work. Allow me to describe its greatness in a manner akin to your own, dear author. You ready?

Oh wait, you don't have ANY description, so I guess no epic gushing.

Sinla was running down the road. She was getting her first pokemon and she was late.

Wow! This my friends is the most original beginning EVER! WHOAHMYGAWD! Actually, it's the definition of Mary Sue in the works.

Sinla was just about to live when her mom came running yelling no no. I have to give you this I is a pokedex.

Wowzor! No, this scene sucks too, but it cracks me up and for some reason, the first time I read it, I thought it was naughty and perverse, but then I read it again and saw my misreading. Still, did you even write this on a word processor?

Hi said the girl. My name is Mary. Hi I am Sinla want to travel with me. Yeah sure and they headed out together.

I'll bet the trousers right off my legs that Mary's last name is Susan, Suzie, Suzanna, Sueanna, Esuna, or anything that has the word SUE in it. It is certain! All in all,you need to flesh things out a bit. Also, if it's not her last name, then no doubt that it is her middle name.

Now, I know I sounded like a bit of a jerk in this review, but as they say, kindness kills, while that which hurts yet doesn't kill can only make you stronger.

I know I can't add much advice, but here's my words. Go read some well written stories here. Do it NOW! One cannot learn to write if they cannot read, ya dig? Now, go read!

Also, use a word processor program next time, for crying out loud, and learn the English language. Remember, we're not in your [empty] head, so we can't see everything you wrote, so... flesh things out! Now, get to work, and if your next chapter isn't a page long, and is just as much a piece of garbage, this thread will be locked.

Who knows though? Maybe one day you'll be able to outdo any of us in quality and quantity if you actually try.

Ahhh, I just love newbies! I really do.

 

[Overwhelming_Latias]

When I first read this I felt that it was trying to take the mickey out of the whole fan-fic forum. If thats not the aim, then I'm sorry I jumped to that assumption.

Looking at your profile and previous posts, you're clearly new to seribiiforums.com and perhaps forums as a whole. You ought to check out both http://www.serebiiforums.com/rules.html and http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993 for the site's rules and the rules of this particular forum.

On topic now... did you just type your chapter straight into a post, or did you construct it in MS Word etc? Your lack of paragraphing, punctuation, misspellings and grammatical errors suggest the former. As previously stated, you need to:

-write more, cos a few lines isn't enough and the thread will likely be close by a moderator. Paragraphs are your friends.
-expand on the detail. I had trouble imagining the characters in the fic, with the ewxception of Trapinch (which I know from the games etc)
-use punctuation such as full stops, commas, hyphens, speech marks and such. It makes stuff much easier to read.
-use MS Word or a similar document program. The spellchecker will ensure you don't make any mistakes, and the thesaurus should help you diverge from over-used words like 'said'.

Anyway, take in the POSITIVE criticisms you have recieved and build on your problems, and you may well be able to make a good fic. Good luck.

 

[catwomen77789]

yikes, i am just a bigginer, I may make mistakes but I learn from them, I barely learn't enything after i read this, I laughed at what you said and that is all, I make alot of my pokemon staries stupid, and that is because I am not the bast pokemon righter, I am better at action and love, but this is just not right, i never was good and I may never be, but let me tell you something, I no how to write, you haven't seen my real writing and you probly never will, but know matter what you say I am still a biggener and I am getting better and I do not want advice, because i will always learn on my own.

 

[Dilasc]

yikes, i am just a bigginer, I may make mistakes but I learn from them, I barely learn't enything after i read this, I laughed at what you said and that is all, I make alot of my pokemon staries stupid, and that is because I am not the bast pokemon righter, I am better at action and love, but this is just not right, i never was good and I may never be, but let me tell you something, I no how to write, you haven't seen my real writing and you probly never will, but know matter what you say I am still a biggener and I am getting better and I do not want advice, because i will always learn on my own.

If you spell like this, you have a long way to go to be the 'bast righter'. In any case, what a long time since your story started to bump the thread. Hmm...

Well, I'll see if I can translate this heiroglyphic box of text. You were not being flamed, even if you are a bigginer as you like to put it. It is no excuse for sloppiness, and is unacceptable. I suggest you take the time to read the advice for aspiring authors thread. If you're not gonna take your work seriously, then why bother? You know nobody will like a half-arsed job, right?

Think on this, would ya? You can learn a lot if you take the time to try.

 

[Leon Phelps]

yikes, i am just a bigginer, I may make mistakes but I learn from them, I barely learn't enything after i read this, I laughed at what you said and that is all, I make alot of my pokemon staries stupid, and that is because I am not the bast pokemon righter, I am better at action and love, but this is just not right, i never was good and I may never be, but let me tell you something, I no how to write, you haven't seen my real writing and you probly never will, but know matter what you say I am still a biggener and I am getting better and I do not want advice, because i will always learn on my own.

It's been a good six months since you posted this, and judging from this block of text(or is this another missingno. glitch?) your righting haz nt gots betr11 and you need to learn how to take advice. I'm not trying to add insult to injury but learn how to spell and don't bump long dead threads. "Learn on my own" my *** you had that chance. On SPPf we don't speak Engrish. Good luck with your next "chapter".

~Leon P.

 

[The Great Butler]

Psychic....

I respect you as a writer and reviewer very much, but I must make one request. Please show more discretion when you're going to use 'mentally handicapped,' because for someone who really is mentally handicapped like I it can hurt to see the term thrown about.

Thank you...

 

[catwomen77789]

hmm

well you know what, I don't want advice, I have heard the worst in my school, some people in my class could barelyread and they were in grade fore, I haven't been on for like a hole bunch of months because I started to like other sites better, but then I remembered how much I loved this site so much, so I came back, I may not spell very good but if you ever meet me, you will know what I am good at.

 

[catwomen77789]

you know what

forget what I just said, maybe it is because I am becoming blind, I really don't mean to be a bit snappy, I have had a rough life, I have a surgery and I use to be only half blind, but I am name becomeing fully blind.

 

[Silentvibrava]

well you know what, I don't want advice, I have heard the worst in my school, some people in my class could barelyread and they were in grade fore, I haven't been on for like a hole bunch of months because I started to like other sites better, but then I remembered how much I loved this site so much, so I came back, I may not spell very good but if you ever meet me, you will know what I am good at.

Really, you don't want to take the opportunity to learn from a mistake? Life would be much easier for you if you actually tried to take someone's good intentional advice once in a while. Try not to be closed-minded in this situation. I don't see how it has the potential to do you any good. I am not being disrespectful to you, either.

Edit:

forget what I just said, maybe it is because I am becoming blind, I really don't mean to be a bit snappy, I have had a rough life, I have a surgery and I use to be only half blind, but I am name becomeing fully blind.

Maybe starting a fanfiction when you're recovering from a surgery, or while becoming blind, wasn't a good idea. Wait till you're better, take the advice that was given to you, and then start to write again.

 

[Leon Phelps]

I'll tell you what, I'll pray for you. Honest to God. I'm still insensitive and I couldn't care less if you were losing your eyesight. But when you purposely ignore advice from three acclaimed reviewers(not myself) and a mod, no one is going to fall for your little sapstory. Sorry, but fan fiction is fan fiction. You could have at least put this in spell check and if you really cared, ask someone you trust to type it for you.

I'll tell you what I really think though. The way you spell, it's not like a person with poor eyesight would spell. You spell phonetically, like a 1st grader. That is why I have no sympathy for you. Good luck with getting better.

~Leon P.

 

[Yami Ryu]

well you know what, I don't want advice, I have heard the worst in my school, some people in my class could barelyread and they were in grade fore, I haven't been on for like a hole bunch of months because I started to like other sites better, but then I remembered how much I loved this site so much, so I came back, I may not spell very good but if you ever meet me, you will know what I am good at.

forget what I just said, maybe it is because I am becoming blind, I really don't mean to be a bit snappy, I have had a rough life, I have a surgery and I use to be only half blind, but I am name becomeing fully blind.

:/ sorry but I have to say 'boo ****ing hoo'. First of all you shouldn't have bumped your story, that's so old, without a chapter. No wait you shouldn't have bumped this at all.

Secondly IF YOU ARE HALF BLIND OR ARE BECOMING BLIND BEING ON A COMPUTER WILL WORSEN YOUR CONDITION. And I guess you aren't one of the lucky ones gifted with a brain to know about brail and computers that are for brail users.

:/ so no excuses there.

I just feel this is just a sad and sorry excuse to get away with being a crappy writer. Sorry :/ but that's how I feel your excuse really is. And I don't really believe you are becoming blind. As I had a bad infection once, in both my eyes, and couldn't see past the film that was made. And it was like half blind-ness. And if I had been at the keyboard, the only way I'd know how to type would because after using it as a medium for writing so long I could just about type with my eyes closed. Or looking at the screen and never down at the keyboard.

<< so that is why I can't believe you are half blind, and still able to use a computer.

 

[chrisivy]

;196; Trapinch life

Chapter 1 Trapinch attack

Sinla was running down the road. She was getting her first pokemon and she was late.

I could see the lab but then I tripped on something.

It was a trapinch. It then used hyper beam. Before it could hit me a pokeball hit it.

The pokeball wiggled around but then we had it.

Here you are said the proffessor. You can have this one. You have to be careful out there or you could get hurt.

She then went home and packed all her stuff.

Sinla was just about to live when her mom came running yelling no no. I have to give you this I is a pokedex.

Well have a good adventure. Sinla had been walking for hours and hours when she heard a scream. It was a girl with a poke on and she was running from a torches.

Go trap inch yelled Sinla and her trap inch came out.

Use tackle and he knocked out the torches. Sinla throw a poke ball and it wiggle around.

She then had it. Yes Sinla yelled and she picked up the ball.

Hi said the girl. My name is Mary. Hi I am Sinla want to travel with me. Yeah sure and they headed out together.

what the **** is this? Do you actually think this is long?

Read the rules.

And you do need ADVICE! It improves you just like I improved.Yami Ryu is very helpful!

 

[Frost Nova]

So,

You have some of the best writers here review your fic, and you piss everyone off by not taking in their advice and attempt to justify your writing skills by drudging up a sob story. Argumentum ad misericordiam, otherwise known as appeal to pity. It's a lame feat, and won't help alter the fact that your writing is below average. Read the rules before you even start a fic here.

 

[castor]

Taking their advice might help. Maybe you should listen.

 

[The Great Butler]

Why is this thread continually being bumped?