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A Walk in the Park

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by Squash_Monkey, Apr 23, 2013.

  1. Squash_Monkey

    Squash_Monkey New Member

    I guess you could say this has "graphic" content. Leave some thoughts if you feel the need to. They will be appreciated!

    A Walk in the Park


    Blood.

    There's blood everywhere.

    She's covered in it.
    Where'd it come from?
    Who's is it?
    Is it hers?
    Is it mine?
    Yeah, I think its mine.

    Why?
    How?
    What happened?
    I think I got shot.
    I thought getting shot would hurt more than this.
    There's only a slight stinging sensation.

    The last thing I remember, I was walking down the path in the park off 7th street with Autumn. It was kinda awkward walking with my ex-girlfriend; not the most pleasant experience, but, unfortunately, it was necessary.
    We had walked about a mile without talking. It was really awkward. We reached the gazebo by the pond just as the sun was setting, which made it more awkward.
    We stopped outside the gazebo and I turned to tell her something. Then, all of a sudden, she's covered with my blood.
    She seems startled, but otherwise unfazed. I just got shot! Shouldn't she be scared? Why isn't she helping me?

    Blood!
    There's blood everywhere!
    My blood!
    IT'S MY BLOOD!

    I'm feeling weak.
    My vision is going dark.
    "Help me! Please..."
    Why is she just standing there?

    Blood,
    Mine,
    Everywhere.

    Nothing.
     
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  2. Vernikova

    Vernikova Champion

    It was a nice read. Personally I enjoyed it due to the content of it. I think it could be expanded into something longer with some tweaks here or there.

    The first thing I would suggest is the use of punctuation. Even poems use punctuation at the end of each line. It gives the poem a type of beat rhythm and can tell the reader at what speed to read the story, the places to pause slightly, etc. Another critique of mine would be the spaces between each line. While consistent throughout, it gives the feel that each line is an individual stanza and that makes it feel a little disconnected. While I do realize this is a simple stream of thoughts type of deal, I think you could flesh out the situation a little better. If we had a little more information on the POV character and their ex-girlfriend, we could more easily feel sympathetic to their situation.
     
  3. Squash_Monkey

    Squash_Monkey New Member

    I get what you're saying about expanding it. It was originally the thoughts of the character as he's dying. The lines were spaced the way they were to sort of simulate random thoughts, but if it would be easier to "get" it if I change it then i will.
     
  4. Vernikova

    Vernikova Champion

    Yes, I got this part. I suppose that things like background would be a little more beneficial in an expansion rather than this situation though.

    Every type of stream of consciousness story I've read either comes in the "traditional" format or in a the form of a poem.

    But I'm legit interested in how the spacing would simulate that. Do you mind explaining for me?
     
  5. Squash_Monkey

    Squash_Monkey New Member

    It might just be me, but i see the consistent spacing shows a flow of thoughts, and the space between lines would show that the thoughts are independent. i see stanzas as having a singular subject. to me, the space makes it easier to flow between ideas in a more natural way.
     

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