• Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

A Whole New Adventure

W

waterdragon

Guest
Hello, this is waterdragon. On FanFiction.net, I am known as AeroGreymon8.0, so some of you people might recognize this fic. Well, here's to a not-so brand new fic.

Disclaimer: I do not own Pokemon or any related affiliations.

This is my first Pokemon fic. Please be subtle, but firm in your comments. I want an honest review, but please don’t make it a flame.

“Well Pikachu, it’s off to a new league!” A Trainer dressed in a blue vest, black shirt, and blue jeans had said.

“Pikaaaaa” Pikachu yawned. The ferry was nearing the island of Marita. Ash could see many other islands surrounding it. There was even a large tower on of the southeastern islands. The ferry just whizzed past the main part of the main island and circled around the northern island and docked on the northeastern coast.

Rose Town was a small port with few houses. The largest structure in the town was a medium-sized house with a glass dome in the backyard.

“Well, Professor Oak said to find Professor Willow’s laboratory. So, where is it?” Ash asked.

“How am I supposed to know?” May questioned irritably

“Maybe it’s up your butt and around the corner,” Brendan sneered.

“Shove it, big mouth!” May said. She then took out a hammer and bopped Brendan on his head. The force of the stike was so great that Brendan was driven into the ground.

“Owwwwwww!” Brendan winced.

“Come on, guys. We need to find his laboratory.” Ash ordered.

The threesome (and Pikachu) strolled around the town, trying to find the laboratory. They then decided that the structure with the glass dome was the most laboratory-like and approached it.

“Hey look! There it is!” Brendan called.

A figure in a hat turned around and revealed herself to be Professor Willow. Of course, our heroes didn’t know that.

“Hello. Can I help you?” she asked.

“Can you point us in the direction of Professor Willow?” May asked.

“Sure. You are looking right at her.” The Professor said.

May, Ash, and Brendan all had their jaws on the ground and sweat drops on their foreheads.

“Come on. Let me show you around the Pokemon Garden,” Prof. Willow said.

Before they walked in, however, Prof. Willow took their Pokedexes and upgraded them in her supercomputer.

“Here you go. They even now have the Poke Finder program. It will help you find where a Pokemon is located,” Prof. Willow explained.

The group started to hike through the garden and saw a number of Pokemon, including a Silcoon, Electrike, Grovyle, and a Lapras in the middle of a lake. As they walked toward the warehouse, a girl in a black skirt with a pair of shorts and a light-blue and midnight-blue shirt just ran up to her.

“Excuse me! Professor Willow, I’m ready for my first Pokemon,” she said excitedly.

“Of course. Would you like to see the new Pokemon you three?” Prof. Willow asked Ash and the other two.

“Sure,” they said in unison.

The group walked into the warehouse, but they didn’t notice the three shadowy figures in the treetops.

“Jessie, can we get out of this tree now?” one of them complained.

“Grrrr. Fine!” Jessie said in disgust.

“Hey, did you twos hear what that beautiful professor just said?” a cat-like Pokemon asked. “She said she has new Pokemon in there.”

“So?” Jessie and James said in confusion.

“Imagine the Boss waking up with nothing to brighten his day. Then when he sees the Pokemon, he’ll give a smile and say, ‘This is a fantastic gift. I’ll give Meowth and his two useless friends a promotion,’” Meowth said.

“What do you mean by useless?” Jessie asked angrily. She then got out a fan and slapped him silly with it.

-----------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile…………………………………………………………

Our heroes were standing in front of a circular table with three Poke Balls on it. A gigantic screen was right behind it.

“Here are the Pokemon you can choose from, Linda. Leoflame,” a picture of a lion cub with a flame burning at the tip of its tail appeared on the screen. “Ocealine,” a picture of a blue cat with a raindrop made of a blue crystalline material on its tail appeared on the screen. “And Felivine,” a picture of a green cat with a thorny vine for a tail appeared on the screen.

“Wow! Those are all so cool!” May said in amazement.

Linda put her hand on her forehead and thought, ‘Let’s see. I want a Fire-type, but the second gym would give me a few problems. So I’ll pick…’ She then said, “I have made my decision. I will choose Felivine.”

“Okay then, here you go,” Prof. Willow was about to give the Poke Ball, Pokedex, Poke Phone, and Pokemon Laptop to Linda, but a blur just flew by and snatched the stuff out of her hand. “What..?”

“Hahahahaha!”

“Prepare for trouble!”

“Make it Double!”

“To protect the world from devastation!”

“To unite all peoples in our nation!”

“To denounce the evils of truth and love!”

“To extend our reach to the stars above!”

“Jessie!”

“James!” ”Team Rocket blast off at the speed of light!”

“Surrender now, or prepare to fight!”

“Meowth! That’s right!”

“Not you three again!” Ash shouted in anger.

“Team Rocket!” Brendan and May interjected.

“Oh no, not Team Rocket!” Linda and Prof. Willow said simultaneously.

“They aren’t dressed like Team Rocket members. Look at that hair. It’s so bad and out of shape. That Meowth needs to take a bath; I mean look at all that dirt in his fur!” Linda said.

“HEY!” Team Rocket said with offended voices.

“Enough chit-chat! Go Dustox! Use Psybeam!” Jessie commanded.

A beam of colorful energy was fired toward Linda.

“Go Swampert!” Brendan shouted. “Use Hydro Pump!” A jet of water was fired at high pressure and knocked the stuff out of Dustox’s limbs.

“Pikachu, use Thunder!” Ash commanded. A golden bolt of electricity hit Team Rocket, causing them to blast off.

“Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off again!” they shouted.

“Here is your stuff, Linda,” Brendan said.

“Thanks!” Linda replied. She then took her stuff politely. “Come on out, Felivine!” Felivine popped out of her Poke Ball.

“Feeeellll,” Felivine yawned and stretched out on the floor. Ash and Brendan sweat dropped while May and Linda were saying,

“Awwww, that’s so cute!”

Just then, a boy the same age as Linda came down and said, “Mom, the Phanpy are fighting again!”

“Not again! Hold on, I’ll be right back!” Prof. Willow said.

“So,” the boy said, “you got yourself a Pokemon, huh?”

“Yeah, Matt, I did. What are you going to do about it?” Linda asked angrily.

“How about a battle?” Matt asked.

“Fine by me! Felivine, are you ready to battle?” Linda said. She turned around and saw that Felivine was licking the base of her tail.

Matt rolled his eyes and said, “Let’s take it outside!”

The group walked outside into the Pokemon Garden and started the battle.
-------------------------------------------------
Battle Stats: Linda’s Felivine vs. Matt’s Leoflame
-------------------------------------------------
“Leoflame, I choose you!” Matt cried. He threw a white Poke Ball with a red line going through the middle, a Premiere Ball.

“Leo,” the Lion Cub Pokemon roared cutely.

“Leoflame, use Ember!” Matt commanded. Leoflame breathed a blazing cluster of flames toward Felivine.

“Felivine, block it with Bullet Seed!” Linda ordered. A group of seeds negated the embers. Felivine fired another Bullet Seed and hit Leoflame in the face. “Now, use Vine Whip!” Felivine’s tail extended and smacked Leoflame in the head.

“Leoflame, use your Scratch attack!” Matt said. Leoflame extended his claws and slashed Felivine across the chest. “Now, use Bite!” Leoflame then bit Felivine and, without needing orders from Matt, used Ember.

“Felivine, finish it off! Use Leech Seed/ Vine Whip combo!” Linda ordered. A seed came out of the flower at the end of Felivine’s tail. Thick vines grew out of the seed and constricted Leoflame as Felivine whacked him with her tail.
-------------------------------------------------
Battle Condition: Felivine: 5 HP

Leoflame: FAINTED
-------------------------------------------------
“Well, Linda, I’m impressed. You beat me!” Matt said. “On your first battle, too!”

“Thanks, I guess,” Linda replied. They shook hands.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Weeeeeeeellllllllllll, I think this is a good place to leave a cliffy.

In the next chapter...

Ash, Brendan, and Linda get registered for the Pokemon while May gets a Contest Pass issued to her in Forest City’s Welcome Center.

Also…

Team Rocket interrupts Ash’s gym battle. What will happen.

Comment to find out.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
M

My_Innocence

Guest
Ok so far this is cliche with team rocket and Ash so try and make this diffferent than the anime to spice it up. You can have Team Rocket but make them I don't know...different cause thats what the anime is for. I like that you do have new pokemon which is creative though and length was fine. But one thing this story lacks is description. It is full of dialouge but not enough description. Go into more detail about people, their surroundings, and so on. You have to help a reader understand what everything looks like, especially the pokemon you make up since we have no idea what they look like. I like that you added new character to the group also. Ill keep reading to see how this goes and give a better review next time. See ya!

-Danny
 

Dilasc

Boip!
Dare I say it, it's kinda scripty. The lack of description makes it bland and dull, and the characters are just as uninspiring. You lack description, and that in itself is a major flaw. What do the people look like? What the heck is going on? I am not only lost, but confused, and I don't mean to sound egotistical, but it's really difficult for me to get confused.
 
W

waterdragon

Guest
I'm so sorry everyone! This fic is poorly written. Like Dilasc said, I don't have enough descriptive details in this fic. I will post a reply with descriptive details later.

Thank you for your time and attention,
waterdragon
 

Lee_Girl

misunderstood
that's not true! your a great writer! never doute yourself, or it will show in your writings. i love it so far and you should keep it up. just ignore all the cruel poeple and only pay attantion to your friends and true fans!

keep your spirits sorring, like always,
Jen~
 

Xiang

Well-Known Member
^They're not cruel people, they are trying to help out by telling the writer what's wrong. -_-
 
W

waterdragon

Guest
I know that they aren't cruel, Jen. They are right, I don't give enough description. For all those who want to know, I am gonna edit the first chapter, so Look out for it, I won't double post, so don't worry about that.

Thank you for your time and attention,
waterdragon
 

Tezza

Bird Master
G’day Waterdragon, let’s see if we can give this a go!

My first suggestion is to make a noticeable gap between your Authors Notes and your story. Make the title centred and bold, grab your reader’s attention!

Remember, your goal as a writer is to paint a clear picture in your readers head. And the first thing I see is Ash. I see Ash standing in the middle of nowhere, talking. Well, if I read further I see he’s on a ferry, but I don’t see that to begin with. I tell you what I could see though, Ash leaning with his elbows propped up on a rail, his eyes gleaming with anticipation. Water sloshes against the hull as the ferry, [insert name of ferry], ploughs the waves, slowing as it nears its harbour.

The description after Pikachu’s dialogue isn’t bad, it sets the scenery but not the scene. Because we’re dealing with canon characters you have the extra trouble of keeping in character, but you have to build up.

For one thing, when are we? It must be after the Hoenn Region, but I see Brendan has replaced Brock. When did this happen? Why did this happen? How old is Ash now? Is he older and wiser, or still the same dopey trainer? And having never met Brendan, what is his personality? So far he’s crude and arrogant. While I can take arrogant, I don’t think any Pokemon character would say anything as childish as “Up your butt.”

Your fanfiction is in a state of dialogue intense. You use dialogue to convey too much. Describe guestures surroundings and emotions. For example;

“How am I supposed to know?” May questioned irritably.

Could be;

“How am I supposed to know?” May questioned irritably, appearing suddenly at Ash’s shoulder. He flinched but smiled at the company, gazing back out at the water. It reminded him of his trip through the Orange Islands, only now he didn’t have his friend Lapras as his personal dingey.

Another lush sandy island rushed past as he heard Brendan retort. “Maybe it’s up your but and around the corner,” he sneered, digging his finger in his ear and gazing skywards. Brendan looked slightly green and while he wasn’t prone to sea sickness, he never did like the ocean. It was so big.

May’s giant mallet only compounded this gut feeling, bopping his head like a bell clapper and making it ring.

“Owwww!”


For every line of dialogue, there should be at least two of description, for now at least until you can become more discriminating.

Describing this way keeps your scenes from jumping. You go from being on a ferry to walking to a glass dome. Obviously the ferry must dock but this isn’t mentioned. They see a glass dome, and then they see Professor Willow. My head is going wonky! My suggestion, choose a character and look through their eyes, describing what they see and how they feel. And why they feel that way too.

Your dialogue intensity makes it difficult to follow your humour. Why do their jaws drop because they see Professor Willow? Is she drop dead gorgeous? Is she a drag queen with an extra finger? Is she a Mrs Potato Head? We just don’t know.

Always look for ways to add more details rather than dialogue. Perhaps as they look her over, describing what she looks like as you do, you could mention things about her reputation as a Pokemon Professor, what she specializes in and any little quirks she might have. Perhaps an affection for cat Pokemon so she wears cute cat ears?

Then go on to describe the lab. Close your eyes and look around, I challenge you. What do you see? Clean white tiles, strange machines, lab tops with beakers and flasks filled with a spectrum of liquids. An agar coolant? Or maybe a library with shelves of books, some new, some old tomes, filing cabinets with manilla folders stacked on it.

Everytime you need to describe, close your eyes and imagine. Write what you see. Reread it and close your eyes again and look closer. What is written on those manilla folders…. Is that a tooth dissolving in that flask? Hangon, there’s an Aid in there too, hunched over a laptop… or a specimen… or a shattered testtube….. Write it into your story. Reread again.

Rereading and rewriting is the key to quality, adding more details each time because if you can’t see any details, we the reader sure can’t. Direct our mind’s gaze. Make us look and see the dragon’s tooth in the fizzing pink liquid. Make us examine the machine that will update their Pokedexes, make us take note of Professor’s gestures as she does so, and listen to her tone of voice Lots of adjectives, lots of adverbs.

Adverbs are a huge part of your repertoire as a writer. Sit there and be Ash as he walks up the path, his fingers hitched under his faded green backpack, Pikachu on his shoulder. How does he hike? He hikes happily. What does he do? Gaze around. What does he see? A silacoon. Where is it? Squashed between the fork of a tree. There’s an Electrike, snuffling through that push looking up as the group passes. What surrounds them? Trees? Grasslands? Shrubland? Bush?

Then we introduce your character, Linda. Don’t worry about clothes, clothes don’t define a character entirely although they are nice as an after thought. We should be more focused on her expression and body language. What is she doing as she runs up? How does she run up?

Now, I will be plain and simple. Most readers are sick to death of the Pokemon episodes. It’s one of the reasons they write fanfiction. Every episode can be broken down into “Hi, I’m Ash. I’m [random trainer]. Help me! Help my Pokemon! Oh no, Team Rocket! Pikachu, Thundershock! Yaaaaay!”

Team Rocket are the heart of the problem, rarely do they do anything different so I would never, ever make them the conflict of a chapter. If we wanted to see it, we’d watch the anime, but when we read, we want something new and different. Nothing that involves mottos, giant robots or holes.

The scene changes again and my minds eye is only seeing half of something. There’s a big circular table, three Pokeballs and screen. Now a minute ago we were in a garden….Is there an extension cord snaking through the bushes?

Now while the cat theme is very interesting, I like it a lot, surely there must be something different than just there tails? Maybe each looks like a different kind of cat. Leoflame would be squat and scrappy like a lion cub, obviously. Ocealine maybe like a Siamese, sleek with almond eyes and Felivine is more like a ocelot with huge ears and spotty marks. Draw our attention to the differences. Differences in muzzles, eyes, coat thinkness and posture.

Then May exclaims they’re cool. Why. Why does she think that? How does she show it? Remember two lines of description for every line of dialogue.

And Team Rocket. Boring. I’m really sorry but it was…. Well there was no point them being there, you wrote them in because they have to be in every episode. Don’t get me wrong, I like Team Rocket as much as I like the others, but they’ve just lost their novelty.

Time to talk about your battle. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but it would be easier if you read THIS rather than me rewriting the information.

Your style of battle is stagnant, exactly like the game and the use of battle stats is pointless. Remember this is a fanfiction, a story. Read stories, read writers like Obsidian Blade, Pinecone Tortoise and Cyndaquil_Dratini and take note of their battles. They aren’t just exchanges of attacks but beasts fighting to win, throwing their weight around. They’re evading and slipping in the dirt and being rammed into trees. They take note of the terrain. Don’t worry, it’s something that comes with experience as you can see by my old examples *shudders* What it does take is patience and pride and the willingness to go over a chapter again and again to get things right.

As for plot, well. Think outside the square. Personally I’d feel better if Linda left on her own without the trio. It would leave you free to branch out and try your own things. Give Linda a deeper purpose. Look through her eyes, her history. Why does she want to travel? Maybe there’s a Pokemon she’s after, or a talisman like the Silver Wing. Something, anything other than the typical Pokemon episode. Please.

Lastly, keep your punctuation consistent. So far I have seen;

….Laboratory.” Ash ordered.

And

….corner,” Brendan sneered.

The second one is the correct one

her.” The Professor The capitalization of *the* is incorrect.



In summary. Reread, add more details.

> Escape the confines of the anime

> Reread and add detail

> Keep scene transitions smooth

> Reread again and add more detail

> Keep Punctuation consistant

> Reread again and add more detail

> Have patience, have pride and don’t give up. Everyone starts somewhere, and I was even worse. *wink* I will happily keep reading and watch you improve.

Good luck in your literary ventures.
 
W

waterdragon

Guest
Okay, where to start.... hmm... well, I am working on the next chapter and, since my computer is messed up and it signs me out of the Forums after five minutes of not moving to another page or scrolling down to a significant amount, I couldn't edit the last chapter. Which is why I will remove this thread after I get a few posts saying that you are aware of this removal so that you are not like, "Ah!!! Where did it go?!?!" So, anyways, I am editing the chapter and will post a new thread soon. Hopefully with better comments than the last ones... :-S neways, hope y'all like it when it shows up next time. I am hoping that it looks better.

P.S. I am editing the FanFiction.Net Version too.
 
Top