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Absence of Justice [Pg-13]

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Chagen46, Apr 22, 2009.

  1. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    Well,I have finally done this, though the end came out.....pretty fruity, I must say. Ah, none the less, I give you the first Chapter of Absence of Justice!

    -----------------

    Pokémon: Absence of Justice, chap.1: Into this pit of depravity.

    “Wow, Lunto, you’re always rushing around. Get some rest; maybe look at some porn…”

    Lunto simply ignored his friend’s calling. He was too busy getting everything perfectly in order. Here and there, he was rushing to create order out of chaos.
    “Well, Taintz, if you didn’t leave everything strewn about, I wouldn’t have to spend 18 hours cleaning everything!”
    “Hey, hey, hey, what did I do?”
    “…..everything.”

    Taintz ignored Lunto’s *****ing, and drank a can of soda before throwing in a nearby trash can. “Well, I live life only for pleasure.” He said
    “Yeah, I understand,” Lunto replied. “But, for the love of god, could you not stick all the pages of my porno together?”
    “Then stop buying porno, or stick em’ together yourself.”

    Lunto just groaned at Taintz retort while arranging some books in a bookshelf. He wasn’t actually a human; hell, nobody here was human.

    This world was Posea, the land of Pokémon.

    Posea was a beautiful, picturesque world, where humans were mere myths, and sentient, free-thinking Pokémon lived normal lives. Their technology was quite advanced, with electronics comparable to the human world. While they did have large cities, and things like vehicles, guns, computers, and television, Posea had a few old-school areas as well, where the same technology thrived, but the buildings were reminiscent of the 1500’s. As such, it was an amazing place, where the inhabitants lived carefree lives.

    That was 1000 years ago.​


    Now, a huge civil war has erupted over the whole world, and threatens to destroy it. There are six warring nations: Altacia, Cameroon, Grazton, Beryanda, Bourgous, and Feruchi. They have split into two teams: Altacia, Cameroon, and Feruchi have banded together, while the other three nations have joined forces. Three neutral nations also exist: Kokoyo, Taka-tan, and Schauzter, though they didn’t really contribute a role.

    What they were after was the princess of Altacia, Princess Alancia. She had been born with the power to grant wishes, (Though nobody, not even the many educated scholars in Altacia know why) and had been hounded her whole life. Though Altacia and her allies have kept off Grazton and his associates form getting Alancia, their armies grow weaker every day.

    As such, Lunto and Taintz signed up to be recruited for their country’s—Altacia to be exact—army. Lunto was a Lucario, whose parents had died in the war. (He lived with his uncle; he and Taintz were both 13) In order to avenge them—and protect his country and Alancia--, he joined.

    Taintz was a Ninetales, but he was a rare breed that was anthromorphic; it’s not like you say much of him anyway, for he was always wearing clothes, which weren’t commonplace in Posea. As of that, besides his stature, he was similar to a normal Ninetales; his head was a bit smaller, but he still had all nine of his tails.

    “Well, Lunto, I think it’s time we go to bed.” Taintz softly said.
    “….Damn, you made that sound gay…”
    “Yeah, **** you too.”

    During the night, Lunto could barely stay awake. (Taintz was completely knocked out) His mind just raced at the thought of being in Altacia’s army. They would be picked up tomorrow, and then they had no idea where their lives would lead from there.


    Don’t be scared, Lunto, you’ll do just fine.

    “Yeah, I will.” He said reassuringly to himself. He peered over at Taintz, who was completely stone cold. “Wonder what he’s dreaming about. But, considering its Taintz, it’s either, boobs, guns, or boobs.”

    Taintz then woke up, and walked over to the window of the house the two were sleeping. They lived in Karanko, a huge city that was the “New York” of Altacia. Even this late at night, there was a buzz of activity, with the whole city covered in the bright lights of businesses, or cars and taxis making their way thought the maze of city streets.

    “It sure is beautiful tonight. I wonder….. this is the last night I’ll see of this place in a long time. The last time I’ll be in the 60’th floor of the Vangauf, the most expensive condo’s in all of Altacia. I’m going to abandon these riches, so I can fight for my country.”

    Lunto wanted to say a few things, but his mind told him to be quiet.

    “ But,” Taintz went on. “I’ll never forget you, Syllvia….. you may have died defending Altacia, but I’ll avenge your death….”

    “Ta…Ta…Taintz?” Lunto quizzically asked.

    Taintz continued to stare at the window. “Oh, Lunto, you’re awake? I wouldn’t be surprised. After all, we are going to be in war for a long time….” He trailed off.

    “…and perhaps for the rest of out lives…” Lunto finished.

    Taintz cracked a smile. “Heh, heh, it seems you know that as well.”
    “Taintz,” Lunto replied. “I didn’t know you even cared about anything other than women.”

    “I did. Now, I care about things.”

    “Like what?”

    “Like ourselves.” Taintz walked over to Lunto’s bed, and placed his hands on Lunto’s shoulders. “Lunto, we may have lost some things, like your parents, or my sister… but we still have each other. We can do this, if we believe in each other.”

    Taintz walked back over to his bed. “I hope you understand what I said.” He got back into bed, and quickly fell asleep.


    Something confused Lunto. What was Taintz trying to say? “ I see waht you mean, Taintz.... My parents said the same thing to me when I was little...."

    He fell asleep that day, feeling a new respect for Taintz.

    Tomorrow…. we go into the pit of depravity..... that is the battlefield...

    -----------

    ........This can be interpeted in two ways:
    A:Full of friendship

    B: Really gay

    I wish this ending hadn't have come out as gay as it did, but oh well..... Don't worry, the main chracter won't be introduced until chapter 3. Lunto and Taintz are main characters, of course...I just mean the most important MC.
     
  2. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    Well, I was hoping for reviews.... but here is the second chapter, for those who are waiting for it!

    Ps.: Do ya' mind reviewing, please?


    -----------------

    Absence of Justice, Chap.2: No turning back.

    Everywhere. Everywhere. This is what happened. At least, that's what happened in Mewto's dream.

    He had no idea where he was, and he couldn't see anything, but something was there. He could hear it calling out to him. "So, you see that I want those bodies, right?"

    Mewto looked down to his feet. There, he could finally see them; dead bodies everywhere. He could tell that they were recruits for Altacia's army. Oddly enough, there was no smell emanating from them. "What do you.....who are you?"

    "That's all classified...."

    "Seems odd that you would classify info...."

    "You'll see..... I'm really just a manifestation of your fear and worry for Altacia's army...."

    "Why would you tell me that?"

    "Well...... you see, you're trying to get rid of me; and your body is doing it's hardest to accomplish that impossible goal."

    "What...... am I in hell?!"

    "You'll see....."


    Mewto finally awoke that moment. He was sweating like crazy, and he could barely get up. That dream had scared him; he had never had one like that before. He slowly got out of his bed, and stumbled to his bathroom.

    As he washed his face, questions about that voice rang in his mind. What was that voice? It wanted those bodies, but why? Is it really a manifestation of my fear and worry like it said it was? I have a lot of questions, and no answers.
    He got a look at himself in the mirror; He was still just a Mewtwo, and was the leader of the Legendary Guard like always.

    I'll call Datch to my side soon.
    His sister, Mewya, a Mewtwo herself as well, walked into his room. "Hey, Big Bro, are you awake? The Legendary Guard is meeting in 3 hours!" She said.

    Mewto looked over her shoulder, though he couldn't see her anyway. "Yes, I'm fine."

    He walked out of the bathroom and got a look of his sister. She was so happy, her life, living in the massive castle of Altacia, perfect. She wasn't tormented by those dreams, and was always happy and saw the glass half full. She was one of the reasons Mewto was always worried; he tried his best to protect her and make her life perfect. After all, she was the only family he had.

    Mewya noticed that Mewto's bed wasn't made, he always made it, so if it wasn't made, that was a sure sign he was worried or stressed. "You didn't make your bed. Come, on, what's worrying you?"

    Mewto tensed up at this remark; he wasn't sure if he should talk about those dreams. "Many things, Mewya, many things."

    "Well, tell me!"

    "I don't want to....I don't want you to think I'm in pain or depressed."

    Mewya looked offended at this comment. "You know," Her voice was angry now. "I wish you would stop trying to protect me! I want to live my own life, you know! I'm not 3, I'm 13!" She stormed out of the room.

    Mewto sat on his bed, anguished. He had just enraged his sister, because he was over-protective. He decided to just get his clothes on and go to the meeting of the Legendary Guard.

    The LG was group of specially trained soldiers that protected the King of Altacia. They were always selected very early in their lives, and were trained to the highest degree. They were capable of decimating entire armies on their own, and it was a great honor to be in them. Despite the name, you didn’t actually have to be a legendary to join, but so far, the only candidates were legendaries. Mewto was the leader of this group, and as such, was esteemed throughout Posea.

    He also was the only one of the LG to wear a uniform. (Besides Mewya) It was a Sky blue coat that was buttoned and had quite a few badges of honor, all organized in rows. The jacket was only as long as a normal shirt, but was made out of a special thread that was bulletproof and flame-resistant, yet still felt as soft as cotton. His pants were made out of this same thread, and were also Navy blue. His boots were made out of tougher leather that still had the same properties and was Navy Blue as well…. Finally, his boots had stirrups, for controlling his steed; these folded into a small pocket when he wasn’t riding.

    With that all done, he walked down to the meeting hall. He, being a member of the LG, lived in the gigantic castle of Altacia’s Royal Family. Almost as big as a city, the castle had 30 floors, over 10,000 rooms, and nearly 12,000 working there. The entire castle surrounded the city of Kreigel, the very capital of Altacia. The whole castle was built out of magicitenea, a rare gem stone that was normally maroon, but shone pink in sunlight. Magicitenea was so rare because it was magically infused; it didn’t wear down, it was always the right temperature so it literally was like an air-conditioning system, and many other things. In addition, it was beautiful to many Pokémon living in Posea.

    Mewto strode down the isles, watching as members of the army (The base of Altacian war was right next to the castle, so soldiers quite often walked around) talked and just took in the sights.

    “Good lord, the meeting isn’t for two-and-a-half hours. What’re you doing so early?”

    Mewto turned around to see Onyx, a Darkrai and member of the LG. He was sipping from a wine glass filled with vodka, and was wearing an expensive fur coat.

    “Dammit, Onyx,” Mewto scowled. “You know you can’t drink wine, because you’re only thirteen.”

    Onyx simply chortled a bit. “And, what are you going to do about it? I can do whatever I want!”

    Mewto groaned. He was 18, and one of the few members of the LG that old. He had actually been in two LG’s, but the first one was almost wiped out, so a lot of new recruits came in. He was one of the few in this new LG to be 18 to 20 years old.

    “No, you can’t. Now, stop drinking that vodka.”

    Onyx continued to sip.

    Mewto sighed; he really didn’t want to do this. He had to, though; therefore, he used his psychic power to grab the Glass out of Onyx’s hands and crushed it with his mind; the noise pierced the air, but everyone else was too busy to notice.

    Onyx looked like he had just seen his parents get murdered. “WHAT THE HELL?!?! YOU *******!” He threw a bolt of Dark energy at Mewto, who dodged it effortlessly. It flew into a wall, but didn’t do any damage.

    Mewto smirked and held his hand up. “Well, well, well. You know you’re not supposed to attack a superior. That, and underage drinking?”

    Onyx held his head low and looked at the floor. “I apologize, sir….”

    “Your punishment is to go to the archery range and hit at least 100 bull-eyes at 200 meters.”

    “But then I’ll miss the meeting!”

    “So be it.”

    “But-“

    Now.

    Mewto’s voice made Onyx head for the archery range. He was one the best archer’s in Altacia. Darkrai’s were always esteemed for their amazing archery skill, and Onyx was no exception. Still, that many bull-eyes was difficult even for him.

    “You shouldn’t be so hard on your subjects, big bro.”

    Mewto turned around to see Mewya, holding a huge, axe-shaped case. Her outfit was very similar to his, but her’s was more of a skirt than a shirt. In addition, all of her outfit was pink.

    “What the hell’s in that case?!” Mewto asked, incredulous at the fact that his little sister was carrying such a gigantic case.

    “Why,” Mewya replied. “It’s my Grand Madness, of course!”

    She opened the case to reveal a huge, intimidating axe. Just looking at this thing could hurt; it was a grayish-purple, and had a mist of pure dark energy that flowed off it slowly. The head, however, was the scariest part. It was literally a giant fist holding two curved blades. This thing looked like it could kill a Dialga in one chop.

    “What the….how…did….you….get…that….axe…..?” Mewto could barely talk over his amazement.

    “It’s called a trade secret. I’m off!” With that, Mewya ran off into the distance.

    “Wait!....Dammit….”

    ----------------------------

    Whilst all that was going on, Lunto and Taintz had reached the war base. It was here that they would finally be able to join Altacia’s army.

    “WHOOO!!! I’m PUMPED!” Taintz said with his usual excitement.

    Lunto sighed silently. “You are way too excited. You’re going to hurt yourse-“ He then noticed that Taintz was already running to meet the Sergeant running the camp, and had completely ignored Lunto.

    “….God dammit.”

    Lunto finally got caught up with Taintz, who had just seen the sergeant, an Electivire. His armor was pure black, and had Altacia’s seal on it, to prove how high up he was.
    “Well, hello boys! I assume you signed up to join Altacia’s army?” He said.

    Lunto knelt down and put his hand over his chest. “Yes, mister…..”

    “Electro.”

    “…Mister Electro.”

    “Now, now, boy! You don’t have to act like I’m god ‘ere! What’re your names?”

    “Lunto Tagento.”

    Taintz finally realized he was supposed to answer. “Uh…..Taintz Teku-ro-ro.”

    “Teku-ro-ro?” Electro tensed up; he had heard that name before. “You mean, you’re the brother of…..Sylbia?”

    “..Ye….Yes….” Taintz gasped. Lunto could see a few tears escape his eyes.

    “Wel-“

    “Mister Electro!”

    Electro gazed over to the right and quickly looked worried. He saw a Gallade in white armor running at top speed towards him.

    “What is it, Gach!?”

    Gach reached Electro and finally stopped, panting like crazy. “Sir….there’s been reports of a huge energy disturbance in the woods nearby! Apparently, someone was thrown out of it!”

    “So?”

    “That’s the thing, sir! They say…..they say…..”

    “Well? Speak up!”

    “They say……that it threw out a human!
     
  3. Aura Master

    Aura Master Smell of Success

    seeing as theres no reviews ill review some stuff.

    Space between each paragraph (includes someone talking)

    "Not like."
    "This."
    ~~
    "But like this."

    "Okay?"

    i dont feel like reviewing mch anymore sorry :|
     
  4. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    Why is "That was 1000 years ago" centered? Same point would have been made it if were aligned to the left. Not that it really matters as you don't overdo it, but it just seems ... random.

    Why do they, the pokemon, need vehicles or guns? You know humans invented things besides for "just the kicks" right? Humans don't have the ability to fly like pokemon do nor can they swim over great distances. Humans don't have the ability to generate electricity within their body, don't have sharp claws, don't have the ability to jump high or run very quickly. Pokemon do. Thus, the need for weaponry is pretty much useless, for pokemon.

    This sounds odd. Thirteen sounds really old for a pokemon (of course, that's debatable), but I always thought pokemon had a quick maturity rate in order to survive and reproduce quickly. That might be because I'm comparing them to animals, but meh.

    It also makes me believe that you're trying your hardest to make your pokemon as humanly as possible ... which kind of is a problem. Reading on, though ...

    Anthropomorphic?

    What makes Taintz anthropomorphic besides wearing clothes? And how would they know he was anthropomorphic if there aren't any humans around? From what your described, there is nothing anthropomorphic about Taintz other than his ability to wear clothes, which, again, is debatable as there are no humans around to begin with. Does he walk on two feet compared to the ninetales usual four? Or ... anything?

    Joke sounds really forced here.

    What makes sexual innuendo jokes so funny is that they never bluntly states what makes the joke so sexual, and usually allude to sexual content, leaving the reader to figure it out for themselves, making them use their own perversion. Bluntly stating that "Oh, ho ho, that sounds gay!" isn't really funny ... Kind of sounds immature -- not unless that's how you want your character to be perceived.

    Mewtwo isn't a pokemon I specialize in, yet I'm pretty sure there's only, um, one mewtwo, and that's because human scientists spliced the DNA of a mew to make it more powerful and stronger. So technically, if they are in a humanless world, mewtwo shouldn't even exist, let alone there being two of them.

    Yeah, after reading all two chapters, I can tell you're trying reaaalllyyyy hard to use pokemon but make them as human as possible to the point that I don't even see the pokemon anymore. Thus, what is the point of using a pokemon?

    I mean, some of them are wearing clothing. Why? They have fur, feathers and can adapt to weather, so there really is no need for them to wear clothes, like humans (I can dive into the Fall from Grace/Adam-Eve thing as to why humans wear clothes but eh).

    Again, they have powers, as demonstrated by Mewto and Onyx. Why have guns?

    They're drinking alcohol for what reason other than to make them more "human-like"?

    Some of the thoughts themselves are characteristically more human-like:
    Taintz curiously thinks like a human, which I suppose is okay since he is the only one that is anthropomorphic (though I'm pretty sure every pokemon in this story is), but ... would pokemon really think about boobs? Lol. Kind of like how human boys are attracted to curvy females, when you get down to the biology of it, (wide hips and whatnot make it easier for females to have bebes), you would think pokemon would be interested in traits that make good, potential mates.

    That being said, the only pokemon that have "boobs" that I think you're referring to are the humanoid pokemon, like jynx. Idk if a ninetales would be interested in a jynx.

    Idk. It really feels like you're trying to get away with a non-pokemon piece but wanted to put it in the main forum, so you squeezed in pokemon characters. When in all reality, if they have guns and buildings and other necessities where they don't need to rely on their pokemon skills to survive, then them being pokemon is really not needed. =\
     
  5. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    The whole point was for Posea to resemble earth.

    Once, the pokemon were supposed to resemble humans in a few ways.
    Yes, he walks on two legs, unlike the usual four

    Lunto is analytical and tears everything down to find a meaning. He was supposed to do that.

    Mewtwo was in PMD.

    Besides that, this takes place in a different universe. Trust me, when Mewto and Mewya meet Taban (The human that was supposedly thrown from the disturbance), everything gets explained.


    ...Do I really have to say it again.

    I'll just break it to you now:

    In this fanfic, any female pokemon that resembles humans (Lucario,Gardevoir,Scizor,Blaziken,Mewtwo) has breasts.

    I see why, but this was always intended to be a Pokemon fanfic. It was never intended not to be.
     
  6. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    CAUSE BEWBS MAKE IT FEMALE! REALLY!

    I MEAN BEWBS ARE SEX APPEAL!

    You're doing the cliche perverted/hentai/ecchi thing most people do. When anthroising pokemon. Oh it's female I'm gonna give it a RACK!

    You know ignore the fact Scizors are bugs and can't have mamory glands. Gardivor might not even be a mammal. Mewtwo is based off a cat/rat so in theory would have a set of six/eight like a cat. Blaziken is a ****ing bird, how can birds have boobs.

    Already you're shunting yourself in with a class that most people frown upon, and dislike.

    The, I'ma gonna give everything boobs for sex appeal! class. Because you don't know what real sex appeal is, even if it slapped you in the face, with its own boobs.
     
  7. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher


    The great Yami Ryu shows her asinine buls**t again.

    Guess what?

    I don't care about your opinion.

    Why you continue to waste both our's time, I have no idea.
     
  8. Breezy

    Breezy Well-Known Member

    But why, other than the reason, "I want to make it as human as possible"? How is this going to benefit the pokemon when they already had their own set of skills that were not human-like to survive?

    I was going to comment on how these pokemon all have human intelligence (in some cases, surpass it), but eh. I think I already know the response to that.

    You never stated/described that he did. All you described is that he wears clothes.

    How is going, "Haha, that's gay!" analytical? Sounds immature. It really reminds me of 7th and 8th grade when boys, unsure about sex, would joke about anything "gay-like."

    Yami summed it up pretty much for me.

    If you look at it analytically, some human boys (if not most) like the curvy/hourglass shape of females (decent rack, wide hips, tiny waist) because, biologically, those sort of females are better suited for child-bearing. Of course, then you gotta add in factors about personality and maybe the guy doesn't like huge racks or whatnot.

    So you're really just giving pokemon boobs for the sake that you have no other ideas how to make them more human-like. Giving a pokemon that doesn't need boobs doesn't make them more human-like. >_>

    You're two chapters in, but seriously, besides the namesakes, there are NO resemblances or attractions that make it a pokemon-based world. The one scene that had an actual pokemon attack didn't contribute that much to the plot.

    If you want to make your pokemon more "human-like" then that's fine, but you GOTTA add in key elements that separate a POKEMON from a HUMAN.

    You're throwing in human elements to make it more human, but you're neglecting aspects that make them pokemon. Which is a shame. As they are pokemon.
     
  9. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    I know you don't care but anyone that comes along and reads this, might grasp the truth after reading my review. Just giving a female boobs and an hourglass figure, doesn't make them a woman really, or give them sex appeal.

    Oh sure it makes them female- but even on an episode of House, it showed that boobs and a vagina can just be a trick placed upon by nature. And that sex appeal can be shot out the window, no matter how perky your breasts are.

    Because you're basically saying, every anthro pokemon gets boobs, just because it's humanoid- is like saying well every genderless pokemon should get a **** and boobs then. Or that all male pokemon should be equiped just like a man! Ignore that they're based off animals so would have to be anatomically correct there.

    You seem to think, boobs give sex appeal. Or boobs make something human.

    No.

    Soul. Concious. Mind. Will. Etc, that makes a human, human, is what makes us well human.

    Boobs are no replacement for humility.

    so yeah sex appeal just slapped you in the face with boobs and you went lolwut and didn't get it.
     
  10. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    I really have to say this:

    I don't know why you're being your annoying bast**d piece-of-s**t self bitc*ing about something I never intended. When was I talking about sex appeal? that's right, never. Yet, you took things in your own hand and automatically assumed that I was. No, I'm not tryi-......oh, I don't even know how to respond to this, because you are going on about things I wasn't even talking about.


    Seriously, Yami, what the hell are you doing assuming things that aren't true?
     
  11. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    Well....new chapter, for those who care.

    --------

    Absence of justice, Chap.3: Meeting in the worst way possible.

    There was a blank silence in the air for a few seconds.

    "This.....can't be....." Lunto stuttered.

    Gach held up the report. "But it is."

    "But, wait, haven't humans been extinct for over 10,000 years?" Taintz quickly interjected.

    "Yes, they have." Lunto replied. "But, on other worlds......perhaps he was thrown here from somewhere else."

    "Well," Gach interupted. " You'll have to wait a while till you can go see."

    "Why?"

    "It seems that an almost ridiculous amount of energy is where the human is. We would torn to shreds by that."

    "Yes, but it will die down."

    "You're right. It should only be a week before we can go investigate."

    "A week?" Electro was suddenly interested. "If it takes place in a week...."

    "What's wrong, Electro?" Gach asked.

    Electro stared hard at the ground, as if he was thinking. "If it's in a week, maybe you new recruits could lead the investigation!" He held his hands high up in the air and smiled, as if was a great idea.

    Lunto and Taintz's reactions made it seem like they were horribly against the idea. Lunto thought hard about the situation. Leading the investigation seemed like a bad idea, but there would be a week to prepare..... "Sarge, shouldn't this be left to someone with experience?"

    "Don't worry, Lunto. The place he's in very calm and tranquil. You should have little resistance, if any at all."

    "Okay...." Lunto all of a sudden felt like something band was going to happen when he and Taintz would go there.

    Something very, very, bad.

    He pushed these thoughts down as he realized Taintz was right next to him.

    "What is it, Taintz?"

    "I feel wierd....like something bad is going to happen." Taintz's voice sounded very worried as he whispered.

    "I do as well. For now, we'll have to wait and see." Lunto whispered back.

    "Okay," Taintz said as he backed away from Lunto. "But, just remember: Never let your guard down when we're gooing through there.

    Lunto didn't pay much heed to those thoughts anymore. I'm just scared, He told himself. It would be my first mission. Anybody would be scared.

    Electro called Gach off, and walked past Lunto and Taintz. “Well,well, you two have an important mission, so it’s about time you got set up.”

    “Excuse me, Sarge,” Lunto asked. “What do you mean by set up?”

    “Well, you did sing up to be recruited, right?”

    “Yes….”

    “And, you do know that this is a war base, right?”

    “Indeed I do.”

    “Well, there you have it!”

    “Pardon me, but you never answered my question….”

    “Dammit, only one student had ever gotten it….. Anyway, Lunto and Taintz, you will be staying here as you serve. Think of it like a dorm for soldiers. In our underground base, you will train to be the best you can be…but, remember: There is no way to simulate war for real. You may train and train and train, but it can only give you the basics. The battlefield is where you will truly be tested. And, if you die, no one cares. You’re soldier. You’re expendable.”

    “Sarge,” Lunto pleaded, not liking Electro’s negativity. “Please try to be more optimistic.”

    Electro stopped walking, and faced Lunto. He stared real hard at him. “Lunto,” He said in a voice that was deadly serious and depressing at the same time. “This is war.” War is never optimistic.”

    He continued to walk forward.

    Lunto felt even more uneasy.



    Mewto was walking around the castle that moment, when he came his trusty steed, Datch. Datch was a Dialga, but he was a part of a special “dwarf” breed of Dialga’s that had bred themselves to small sizes so they would be able to easily communicate with other pokemon. They were still large, however; a Mewtwo like Mewto could ride one with ease.

    As for Datch, he had known Mewto for as long as he could remember. The two had been through thick and thin, and survived the accident that wiped out the previous Legendary Guard.

    “Well, hello, Mewto. It seems that something is bothering you.” Datch said.

    Mewto sighed and tried to make sense of his feelings so that he could tell them to Datch. “I have a feeling…..A feeling that something big is going to happen.”

    “I get that feeling sometimes as well.”

    “Not only that, but it seems like the whole country is tense today.”

    “Well, a human appeared all of a sudden. Things are getting interesting now.”

    “Yes……yes, they are…..”

    “In other news, I have the Flare Phoenix.”

    A large spear materialized on Datch’s back. It was the Flare Phoenix, an incredibly rare spear that was the pride and joy of Mewto. The shaft was a simple and jet black, while the head was a bright, almost blinding orange. The head was shaped like a phoenix, and was capable of completely lighting on fire to inflict nerve-wracking damage to an opponent. The fire wasn't normal fire; it was literal holy fire from heaven. (supposedly) Holy fire that could blind someone with sheer religious power.

    It made sense:Mewto was a Paladin, a holy knight in service to a king. Only the best Cavaliers, mounted knights who fought with speed superior to almost any land-based Pokemon, could become Paladins. Mewya actually was a Cavalier, but was nearly done with her training to be a Paladin. This was causing quite a commotion, for it was very rare for anybody to be a Paladin.

    "Why thank you, Datch." Mewto said calmly as he took up the spear and put it on his back. "How about we ride to the hills like we usually do?"

    "Sounds wonderful!"

    Mewto jumped onto Datch's back and the two quickly rode off. As Datch ran along the edges of the royal gardens, Mewto waved to a few soldiers there. They were going about the daily buiseness, but Mewto felt sad for them in a way. After all, if they died (which they usually did), no one cared.

    No one cared.

    Mewto shook that thought out of his head, and focused on the path ahead. After riding out of the castle, he rode on one of the hills that enclosed the war base. There, he sawLunto walking with Electro and Taintz.

    "Strange, I thought I recognized that face..." He thought out loud.

    "Hmm?" Datch said. "What are you talking about?"

    "That Lucario.....I've seen that face before...."

    "Well....there isn't much in the variation of faces for us pokemon....are you absolutely sure?"

    "Yes...."

    "Well...pay it no heed."

    "Indeed."

    With that, they rode off into the distance.


    Later, they came across a large hill that allowed a perfect view of the plains of Altacia. It would be beautiful enough, with rolling hills, mountains in the distance,and the crystal clear sea far away, bit it also was sunset, so the whole valley was awash in an incredible orange.

    "It's amazing...." Mewto commented.

    Then, he thought about it.

    He saw war. He saw these plains completely on fire, pokemon being forced to flee their homes, soldiers being captured and tortured in gruesome ways, and royal leaders being assassinated.

    "Ah!"

    "Mewto! What's wrong!"

    "No...nothing, Datch."

    "More of your 'daymares'?"

    "Ye....yeah...."

    Mewto gained his composure. He really needed to calm down.

    "'Daymares'? What excactly are those?"

    Mewto swung around to see a Lucario riding a Rapidash. She was dressed like a nomad of the plains, with simple beige clothing. The rapidash had a metal guard covering it's flames, so she could ride it. A bow was slung across her back.

    "Who are you?" Mewto asked.

    She didn't do anything at first. She simply studied Mewto. Finally, she spoke up. " I need you to protect someone."

    "Protect someone? Who?"

    "Someone very close to me."

    "Who are they? Why do you want me to protect them?"

    "You cannot know that. You will know who to protect."

    "Okay...."

    "Also, he must not know about his past."

    "Why?"

    "You can't know that either. If you want to know, I'm Beryanden."

    "Wait-"

    She then rode off into the distance.

    "Who was that, Mewto?"

    "I have no idea, Datch.....no idea...."

    --------

    Well, it seems that Lunto and Taintz are going to meet some new friends, while Mewto seems to have to protect someone....without knowing who he is.....
     
  12. Eon Master

    Eon Master Born from the Flames

    About the Flare Phoenix, "Holy fire from heaven" my a**. Need to come up with a better way to put that, without sounding like the bible. Other than that, everyone else needs to stop picking this story to pieces, b/c it is very well written.
     
  13. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    Hmm....what would have been a better way to word it?

    ANd, you actually found it well written?! Thanks! This makes me want to write the next chapter quicker than ever!
     
  14. Eon Master

    Eon Master Born from the Flames

    I'm sure, you can come up with something, "mighty flames of purification" perhaps? Or something non-religious. It is a little rough, but it is a good story.
     
  15. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    Chapter 4:

    --------
    Chapter 4: Surprise, but not the good kind.

    Mewto quickly rode back to the castle, not wanting to miss the Legendary Guard's meeting.

    "Dammit, Datch, move quickly! We must not miss the meeting!" He yelled as he dug his stirrups into Datch's dark blue hide.

    "OW!" Datch yelled back in pain. "You don't have to be so rough! I get it, oka-"

    "What are you doing!" Mewto said in surprise to Datch's sudden stop.

    Then he saw fire.

    Fire coming from the castle.

    "What the hell!? Datch, Full speed ahead!!!"

    "Alright!!"

    --------

    Electro, Lunto, and Taintz were at the war camp. They had just come out of one the buildings. There, they were met with Altacian soldiers running everywhere, some fending off attacks from an unknown enemy. Arrows and bullets were raining from the sky, and several parts of the castle were on fire.

    "What the- what in the blazes is going on here!?" Electro said as soon as he saw the mass confusion.

    "Sir!"

    Electro quickly looked to his left to see Gach. "Gach, what the hell's happening?!"

    "I don't know! Everybody's attacking each other!"

    "Wait!" Lunto interrupted. "You're saying there's no enemy?! We're attacking and slaughtering our own forces?!"

    "Yes!"

    "But how?!?"

    "That's because someone's cast a berserk spell."

    Everyone looked around to see a Gardevoir standing by, with a standard blade in his hand. His clothing looked like that of a standard mercenary: Not much in the way of armor, with a deep blue military coat, and white pants underneath, and was wearing standard beige combat boots. He had a a large sheath for the blade he was holding, slung across his back. Continuing with the merc theme, his clothing didn't have any of the six countries seals on it, indicating that he worked for anybody who paid him.

    "Who the hell are you?" Taintz rudely asked.

    "Why, it seems we have a callow oaf with a loose tongue, hmm? In any case, my name's Gaiso. I came here looking for work, and I see this."

    "'Callow oaf with a loose tongue'? Man, you have been reading way to many history novels."

    "It's a hobby.

    "So Gaiso," Lunto said. "what brings you to here?"

    "He's a merc, Lunto; they work for anybody." Taintz interjected.

    "I'm not in it solely for the money."

    "Oh?"

    "This is....part of my training. And my sister is kinda made me."

    Electro looked at the mob of insane soldiers. Now, they looked like they were nearly going to kill each other. "Okay, so what's this berserk spell?"

    "You won't believe it. Someone powerful enough has casted an insanity spell on everyone here. It will cause anybody affected to discriminatingly attack anybody, even their own family and friends.”

    “Really? That's....crazy.....”

    “It amazes me what magic can do.” Lunto said.

    “Indeed.” Gaiso replied. “ Not only that, but the effect is small at first, with bickering, but it slowly gets worse, to attacking.”

    “How do we get rid of the effect?”

    “Well, you just have to kill or gravely wound the caster. Someone this powerful will be hard to defeat. Being that I can fell the darkness in the air, it seems they're a Shaman. Or, worse, a Druid....”

    “This is not good...Gaiso!”

    A Gardevoir on a Rapidash rode up to Gaiso. She appeared to be a Cavalier, and was wearing armor that completely covered her from from to toe, but she wasn't It, along with her sword, oddly enough, was emerald-green. Like the Lucario Mewto had met earlier, the Rapidash had a metal plate covering it's flames.

    “Garsia!” Gaiso beamed in happiness. “You're alive!”

    “Of, course! I'm am a Cavalier, after all. You know, it's a shame you didn't become a Cavalier. I just think being a knight is more honorable. Mercs, they're known as money-grubbers, and murderers. DO you want to be known as that?”

    “Oh, Garsia, you know I want to be a Hero, just like my parents!”

    “Very well....” Garsia turned to face Lunto and Taintz. “My name is Garsia. I met Gaiso when he was traveling...now I'm sort of his girlfriend.....” She then faced Gaiso. “As for my report, is seems that very few soldiers aren't affected... I haven't heard anything from Garcha, either.”

    “Oh....I hope Garcha is alright.... she's our only healer....”

    “Jaffar is scouting to find the caster.”

    “Okay.”

    “Excuse me,” Lunto asked. “but, who are Garcha and Jaffar?”

    “Garcha is a Garchomp Troubadour. They're mounted maidens that can heal pokemon. Jaffar is a Rougue, a thief and scout of sorts... he's also Garsia's Brother....”

    “Well, then, shall we find this annoying source?”

    “Yes....”

    “AHHHHH!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!”

    “Who the hell was that!?”

    “AHHHH!” Gaiso yelled all of a sudden; he seemed to be more tense than ever. “That's Garcha! Either she was captured by the caster, or the berserk spell has done it's full effect! We must hurry!!”

    Gaiso started to run , but was cut short by a flash of bright light.. A portal appeared, and a Darkrai appeared. He was wearing black robes stained with blood. In his left claw was a tome; it was a dark tome, used for casting the magic of hell itself.

    “Who are you!?” Taintz quickly asked.

    “I am Kishuna” The Darkrai replied. “I am a Druid, a messenger of hell itself.”

    “Really? Then let's see how your bark matches up with your bite!”

    Taintz grabbed Gaiso's blade and rushed Kishuna. He was about to smash him straight with the flat of his blade, but a lance of dark energy stopped him. Taintz, not fazed at all, went for another strike, but Kishuna stopped him again.

    Lunto quickly analyzed the situation. It took Kishuna half-a-second to create the lance. If so, Taintz would have to circle around him in less than that time to hit him. But, Taintz couldn't do that.

    Unless there was a distraction....
    It came in an unexpected way. A blue figure appeared in the sky . It descended, and Lunto could see it was a Garchomp....riding a Salemence. Could that be Garcha..... As Lunto studied her trajectory, it became apparent she would ram right into Kishuna.

    Kishuna apparently realized this. “What the fu-”

    BAM!!!

    Both Kishuna and Garcha were thrown to the ground. Garcha's Salemence gained it's footing , but Garcha and Kishuna were both flung into a nearby building. As they tumbled, Garcha's staff touched Kishuna's chest; the holy purification of the staff burned him horribly.

    He slowly got up, clutching his chest as it burned from the staff. “You wretched....demoness.....”

    “Garcha!” Gaiso yelled over to the knocked out Garchomp. “You're okay!”

    Garcha slowly came to. “Gaiso! I'm fine! Kishuna captured me, but my holy power freed me. There's two other girls he captured, though! A Lucario and a Ninetales!”

    “AHH!!!!!!!! DAMN TROUBADOUR!” Kishuna raged. “YOU WILL FEEL THE TRUE POWER OF SATA-”

    “Not on my watch.”

    Kishuna spun around to see, but it was already too late. Mewto had ridden up behind him, and jabbed the Flare Phoenix straight through his heart.

    “Wretched creature of hell, go back to your place of eternal damnation!” Mewto sternly commanded.

    “No.....my power.....will keep me in this world for …..a while....” Kishuna struggled to say.

    Gaiso ran up to him. “Then tell us what happened! Who do you work for!?”

    “Overlord Kurahn.....go to him..... there you'll.....find...everything....”

    “Overlord Kurahn!?” Taintz yelled. “That's the overlord of Beryanda! Those....*******s....caused this.....” Tears were stinging his eyes.

    “Taintz, what's wrong!?” Garsia said, worried about Taintz rising anger.

    “He's Taka-Tanian.” Lunto answered.

    “Oh.....”

    “About the girls.......they are locked up in a house nearby......my powers will kill them quickly...” Kishuna gasped.

    “Really!? Alright!”

    “You'll find the thief with them, too.....”

    “Jaffar is okay?” Garsia said, astounded. “Oh, thank the heavens!”

    “What did Kurahn want?”

    “The.....human......”

    “Seems like everyone want him.”

    “Wait....Kurahn had an accomplice.....”

    “What!?”

    “His name was......Ner......g........”

    With that said, Kishuna died. Now the crew had nowhere to go.

    Gaiso and Garsia went over to Garcha.

    “Garcha! I can't believe your alive!” Gaiso said.

    “I know....I flew all around....but all the soldiers guarding the castle entrances are dead.”

    “This is serious.” Lunto interrupted. “Beryanda just tried, and nearly succeeded, in basically destroying the castle. But, why?”

    “Why?!” Taintz said. “They're Beryanden! They're scum, and they should all be put to death for their atrocities!”

    “Taintz....I know Beryanda killed your family, and nearly annihilated your country, but calling all of them scum is just ridiculous.” Garsia said.

    “You just don't understand!”

    “Are you the ones that killed Kishuna?”

    A robed Lucario walked up to the crew. He appeared to be a monk, users of Light Magic who could hit targets amazingly. His robes were sky blue, and he was holding set of light tomes in his paw. A staff was slung across his back.

    “Who are you?” Taintz, like usual, asked.

    “I am Lucius.” The Lucario replied. “I'm a monk on a journey; I came across here and got smack-dab on the middle of this battleground.”

    “Hmm....a Monk like you would normally be studying at a church.”

    Lucius shrugged and blushed. “Ah......It bored me....so I decided to just journey and develop my skills in battle. It was kind of boring, just studying the bible...”

    “Well....it's not like you have to pass an exam to get in the crew....”

    “Wait.....when did we become a crew.....?” Lunto asked, confused.

    “Well...we're all here....”

    Mewto rode up the crew. “Are you kids alright?”

    “Yes....Thank you for you expertly timed attack.” Garsia said.

    “Thank god.....By the way, what was the name of that demon?”

    “Oh, him? Kisuhna...”

    “Wait, Kishuna?!”

    “Yes....why is that odd?”

    “Kishuna has been dead...........for over ten-thousand years!”


    ----------

    Well, this throws a few wrenches into the plot....
     
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2009
  16. Eon Master

    Eon Master Born from the Flames

    I'll say it does! How are you going to work that out?!

    Any connections here? Just a guess.
     
  17. BynineB

    BynineB Wielding Übersaw.

    If you don't care about people's opinion, then you'll never improve. Honest critique is the only way.

    And yes. It would be extremely weird for Pokemon that don't even have breasts in the first place to have them. Pokemon are entirely different from animals in that they do not actually breed, but something magical happens and an egg forms. It's like Chao breeding, if you get the reference. Plus, no Pokemon mother breastfeeds anyway, with the possible exception of Kangaskhan, so why would they have them?

    Anyway, some things about your latest chapter.

    '“AHHHHH!!!!! HELP ME!!!!!”'

    Excessive punctuation is a no. The absolute maximum should be three exclamation points. Otherwise, it looks silly. You've done this in other parts of your story, as well.

    “I am Kishuna”

    Period needed. Basically, a lot of this story suffers from poor grammar.

    No paragraph here is longer than two lines. This is an obvious sign that there is little description. Tell the readers where the Pokemon are, what they're doing, how they're doing it, and explain it in full detail.
     
  18. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    I usually care about people's crits, but I just completely ignore Yami.

    .....really? Pokemon clearly would have to breed to reproduce. And it's not like the is some hentai fic, I'm not shoving it down your throat.

    WHere? Are you referring to Kishuna when he was dying?

    I don't see the grammar mistakes:I'm one of those guys who if I see something wrong, I'll immediately fix it, so I wouldn't expect this to have few grammar problems

    That's one of my problems; I cant figure out how to describe things well without making it stupid.


    But, seriously, how come I don't seems to have any readers? Eon Master is basically the only one, and you reviewers don't even mention what you guys liked. I'm fine with critiquing, but I don't even feel like it's worth it to post more chapters because I'll get you guys on my ***. That's why it took me nearly a month to post the third chapter. Do you guys literally think every part of the story is bad?
     
  19. BynineB

    BynineB Wielding Übersaw.

    Hey, my fic got one person in three days. :/ You're pretty lucky.

    The grammar mistake was missing a period in that particular place. And the excessive punctuation is EVERYWHERE.

    And Pokemon do not sexually breed. Just.. trust me on that one. They have no anatomy whatsoever.
     
  20. Chagen46

    Chagen46 Hell Crasher

    The excessive punctuation was to show the characters silence.

    As for anatomy, this takes place on an alternate world, so.....

    And, if they didn't have anatomy...Taintz couldn't be himself.
     

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