Adelie's Crazy Adventure

[Raichao]

hi, this is my first Fan Fiction. I'd like to request that can no one please give harsh crits? Normally crits put me off.

Just a note that this is my own writing style that I use, so please don't crit it either. Thanks!
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Chapter 1: untitled (seriously. I can't think of chapter names)

It was a beautiful day. The pidgeys were singing the caterpies were eating happily and… no wait wrong story, sorry about that.

It was a cold and miserable day. Not a good day to start off your first day of Pokémon training, eh? Now before I get to this story, I have to tell you THIS story…

“Are you SURE this will work?” Ash Ketchum asked from under a Pokemon umbrella.
“I’m positive, I got a D minus in Alchemy, so it’s gotta work,” May replied.
May had recently gone away to study Magic at Rustboro High. She could turn a pen into ashes and make Eevee’s disappear into smoke. Brock couldn’t help but grin. He and Ash had to (unfairly) draw straws to see who would be May’s lab pichu, but Max had colored all the ends pink so when Ash drew the first straw, he would get a pink straw so he had to go first.
That’s pretty unfair if you ask me, but I’m not part of this story so let’s move along now.
“Now let’s see, add two drops of this green stuff to a bowl full of umm… What does this say? Oh, I think it’s a Pikachu Tail… No wait it’s a Squirtle shell. Oh, what the heck, I’ll just add some of Beautifly’s Pollen,” May said while trying to translate the foreign mixture for being able to see the dreams of a Pokemon.
About 5 minutes of mixing (seeing as May didn’t know whether it was 5 hours or 5 seconds) May finally announced that it was done.
“umm, do I drink that?” Ash asked, pointing to the mixture that looked like either vomit or cat food.
“Ye-um-no, you eat it” May replied.
“you should give some to Ludicolo to test it out,” Max asked.
“no way! It’d probably make him sick,” Brock Protested.
“oh well. Here goes nothing!” Ash said and started to eat the ‘potion’.

Oh, my pizza’s ready so you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow to wait what happens. Sorry!

-END OF CHAPTER 1-

 

[Astinus]

If you don't want a harsh review, why did you post on SPPf? It's known for having great reviewers that hold nothing back. D:

Anyhow, I found mistakes:

“Ye-um-no, you eat it” May replied.

You need a comma before the closing quote.

“you should give some to Ludicolo to test it out,” Max asked.
“no way! It’d probably make him sick,” Brock Protested.
“oh well. Here goes nothing!” Ash said and started to eat the ‘potion’.

Use the Shift key because every word that starts a sentence needs a capital letter. And why is "protested" capitalized? And "asked" isn't the correct word to use there. I would have "suggested."

About 5 minutes of mixing (seeing as May didn’t know whether it was 5 hours or 5 seconds) May finally announced that it was done.

Write out numbers. It should be "five."

The Enter key is your friend. Hit it twice to create a new paragraph. Without it, your fic just looks like a big old blob of text.

As for the other mechanics: May just decides to study "magic?" Completely random. Description was lacking. For the first chapter, it was rather short. (You didn't say it was the prologue, so I'm counting it as a chapter. And according to the rules, chapters have to be three pages in length.) I would also suggest that you name your chapters. A pet peeve of fanficcers is the lack of a title.

I suggest reading the Advice and Rules stickies before continuing.

Seriously, if you don't want crits, why did you post it? I can't wrap my mind around it.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Hanako: Because he's a lazy ******* that doesn't wanna get better, that's why he doesn't want critisism :<

ANYWAYS.

Not only the stuff Hanako pointed out but your chapter is way too damn short, you stacked the paragraphs and scentences together in order to make it look like you wrote better more than likely. And I also doubt Ash would eat something that caused the death of a Pikachu/Squirtle :/ or May. Seeing as they are pokemon lovers and I doubt they're the type to go out and be all DIE POKEMON SO I CAN HAVE SOME MAGIC!!!! AH AH AH AH!

:/

And on top of all this ****, and what Hanako pointed out. YOU WROTE THIS IN THE REPLY BOX DIDN'T YOU!? This proves you for hell did not read the rules of the Fanfic forum, and really, really need to read the damn advice for aspiring authors thread too.

Oh, and a second rule you broke: You're supposed to post the whole chapter of a story. NOT PART.

Meaning: You phail.

 

[Clare]

I agree with the two reviews above. This needs to be a LOT longer and one way that could be achieved is to expand on what you write. And write your stories in your word processing program - that way, if you have to leave it for any reason, you can save it and go back to it later. Finally, if you're going to use canon characters, try to keep them in character.