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Alabaster Daze: Unova Chronicle

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by D. Scott, Mar 12, 2011.

  1. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    TABLE OF CONTENTS



    alabaster daze: unova chronicle​


    Chapter 1: Every journey has a boring start, right?

    To say that the Unova region was exotic compared to others in the world would be an understatement. Ava knew this through personal experience: she had only been here for roughly ten hours, but compared to her home region of Johto, it was certainly unique. It had rolling hills, trees dotting its surface so close to even the most industrialized areas, and of course, the Pokemon.

    She reached down and gently stroked the head of the brown-furred, short bear-like thing beside her, flashing it a quick grin. "Hey, Ted. You excited? This is gonna be real big fun."

    "Ursa! Teddi teddi ursa!" Ted cried excitedly.

    Ava nodded slowly, then looked back to the scenery in front of her. She was on top of a rather large hill, looking down onto the smallest town of the region. She was able to see the entire thing with almost perfect clarity from her height. It consisted of about ten houses, considering the possibility of one hiding. One building overshadowed them all, larger than the rest: obviously some sort of major business. The place was surrounded by trees on all sides except for the northeastern corner.

    "Nuvema Town, here we come!" Ava said, and Ted made his agreement known. Ava fell down to her knees, then lay herself on her back. Ted copied her, sitting on the right. The two of them began to roll on their sides down the grassy hillside, giggling like little children. But that was okay: everyone needed some fun every once in a while.

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    "Aw, geez, Bianca's late. As usual."

    Blair lowered himself onto his bed, pulling himself against the wall and sitting with his legs crossed, hands resting in his lap. He blew a swift sigh, pushing a bit of his brown hair out of his eyes. It fell up against his blue cap, and fell back down to resting a bit over his eyes, which were focused on the boy in the corner of the room.

    "It's only been a minute after the time she said she would be here, Blair," the boy said. He let a small, amused grin spread across his lips. Through his glasses, he glanced toward the stairway. "Have some patients, Doctor."

    "Shaddup, will ya, Cheren? That still means she's late!" Blair protested. But he knew that Cheren was right, and that he needed to shut his mouth and wait.

    "Patience," Cheren repeated. His tone was almost taunting. "Or perhaps I'll amuse the two of us through making fun of your girlish name, Blair, my dear gal Lindsey."

    "DAMN YOU MOTHER!" Blair thought. "Cursing me with a name like Blair Lindsey!"

    Almost as if on cue to his mental curses, the gentle thud repeating itself, signature of someone heading up the staircase, was heard. From the light footsteps, Blair could tell that the person was female, but not exactly the swift and childlike rushing he had been expecting. His mother popped her head up, and the rest followed suit.

    "Waiting for Bianca?" she asked.

    Cheren nodded, speaking before Blair had the opportunity to. "Yes, ma'am. It would be kind of rude to open this gift without her, if the gift was also addressed to her."

    "I thought so," Blair's mother said. "Well, would you boys like anything to drink while you wait? Since Cheren's here, I'll allow soda. You know, for the occasion."

    Blair cracked a smile. Cheren was often off in his room at his home, doing other things: Blair only talked to him at rare outings, at the local school, or on the home telephone. It was seen as a god-given miracle to see Cheren willingly present at anything else.

    "That so? That's awful nice of you, ma'am. Yes, could you just bring me a cola?" Cheren asked.

    Blair's mother nodded. "And you, dear?"

    "I'll have the same. Thanks, mom."

    She nodded, and moved down the steps. "I'll be back up with them in a minute."

    "Thanks, Miss Lindsey," Cheren said.

    "And now to wait for Bianca," Blair muttered.

    "Don't worry, my gal Lindsey," Cheren said. "I'm sure she'll show up before the end of the month."

    Blair felt himself smiling again. "Yeah right. I'm thinking maybe some time in March."

    Cheren slapped his palm against his face. "Blair, it's March the first."

    Blair felt the blood rush to his face, a warmness he dreaded. "...Exactly! I was agreein' with you. Heh. Heheh..."

    "You're an idiot, Lindsey."

    "At least call me by my first name, Cheren!" Blair said.

    "Would you prefer 'my dear gal Lindsey', then?" Cheren asked.

    "Call me Blair, damn you!" Blair exclaimed.

    Cheren cracked a wide smile. "Okay, okay. No need for the language, Blair."

    Just then, they heard the sound of a girl saying something. It wasn't quite audible enough to be understood sentence-wise, but the two of them recognized the high, giggly sound of her voice. Next, the light sound of someone thudding up the stairs occurred again, but this time at a much quicker pace. Finally, she pushed her way up the stairs, and into sight.

    The blond girl stopped for a moment, placing her hands on her knees and pressing the white fabric of her dress up against her skin, catching her breath. Hair dangling in front of her eyes, she looked up at the two boys in the room and immediately stood up, giving the two of them a goofy grin. "Sorry! I'm sorry!"

    Blair looked at her for a moment, then nodded. "Nice to meet you, Sorry."

    Time seemed to stop for a moment. Then the three of them burst into laughter.

    Catching his breath, Cheren was the first one to speak up afterward. "That was perhaps the single most stupid joke I have ever heard in my life, Lindsey-"

    "BLAIR!"

    "...Yes, yes, Blair. How in the world you managed to make me laugh, I'll never know."

    The blond girl straightened herself up, then moved toward the bed and sat down next to Blair, pulling him into a headlock. "Ah, but our old friend here has the talent of being an absolute moron! So he can always provide entertainment, right, Cheren?"

    "This is coming from the Queen, Bianca," Blair muttered. He wasn't angry, though; in fact, he wore a wide grin still.

    Bianca tightened her grip around his neck, and Blair flailed his arms in futile resistance. Bianca let go a moment later. "We all know I'm the second smartest in this room, eh, Cheren?"

    "Next to my bedsheets, maybe," Blair said.

    "What was that, Lindsey?" Bianca asked.

    "Nothing!"

    "Thought so! Hahaha! Anyways, what do you guys say we get to opening this gift up!" Bianca said.

    Cheren nodded, a glint of excitement in his eyes. Blair slipped off his bed, and Bianca followed suit. Soon, the three of them stood in front of Blair's computer desk, staring at the green package sitting on it.

    "Since it was delivered to your place, my gal Lindsey, what do you say you open it?" Cheren said.

    "Right," Blair responded.

    He lifted the top off of the box, and looked at what was inside: it appeared to be a sheet of paper with writing on it.

    "...A piece of paper," Blair whispered. "...That's it?"

    He picked it up and began to read it aloud.

    dear blair, cheren and bianca

    Hi! My name is Aurea Juniper. I am a mutual friend between your mothers, and each has asked me for the same favor: they are tired of seeing you cooped up in the small confined space of Nuvema Town. So at their requests, I prepared three Pokemon. Yes, you have read correctly: I am giving the three of you each a Pokemon. Please settle your choices politely, and make sure to... well, I'll give you the rest of the lecture later, I suppose.

    Blair's mother will give you all directions to my laboratory. When you three have gotten acquainted with your choice of Pokemon, please come and visit so that I can elaborate. Remember, I do not give gifts like this without asking for something in return!
    - signed, Aurea T. Juniper

    He flipped it over on the back, his heart racing, to see if there was anything else.

    Oh, and if you haven't figured it out by now, look behind the box. Meatheads.

    Blair shoved the box aside, and saw the three spheres resting on the table behind it. They had red paint on their tops, while the bottom half was white. A metallic, silver button was in the center of each. Beneath each one was an individual note card, and Blair grabbed each sphere, setting them next to their respective cards.

    The one on the far left read, "Snivy: Grass Snake Pokemon: Grass Type".

    The one in the middle read, "Oshawott: Sea Otter Pokemon: Water Type".

    Finally, the last one, on the right, read, "Tepig: Fire Pig Pokemon: Fire Type".

    Now, Blair thought, it was time for the tough decision.

    "Who's gonna pick first?"

    Cheren snapped his fingers, and Blair looked to him immediately. It was a Cheren-ism. If he had an idea, he snapped his fingers: an odd thing, but whatever floated his boat, Blair supposed.

    "We will settle this the way man has settled conflicts for centuries!" Cheren exclaimed.

    Blair looked to Bianca, who's face had gone pale. He cocked an eyebrow.

    "But I'm too young to die, Cheren!" she exclaimed.

    Cheren grinned devilishly. It was a peculiar sight, considering his dress shirt, tie and khaki pants: he looked like a corrupt businessman.

    "Combat? No, Bianca. Much... MUCH... worse."

    Blair's eyes widened. It struck him what the plan was.

    Cheren's hand tightened into a fist. Blair's did the same. Bianca, after a moment of hesitation, followed suit.

    "Rock, paper, scissors, SHOOT!"

    Blair's hand thrust forward first, shaped into scissors. Cheren's came next, his palm open and extended, as paper. Bianca's form was the same as Blair's.

    Cheren was out of the game. "Oh, c'mon..."

    "Looks like it's just you and me, eh, Bianca?" Blair said, his tone filled to the brim with cockiness. He was gonna win this! He knew he was.

    Cheren counted down. "Rock, paper, scissors... SHOOT!"

    Blair's hand shot forward, still as a fist. Bianca's was open, palm extended.

    "Bianca wins!" Cheren announced. "Miracles never cease."

    "Excuse me, Phelps?" Bianca asked.

    "Nothing, ol' Missy Nicholson. You win. You get to pick first."

    Bianca stepped up to the balls on the table, and immediately swiped one. She held it in her hand, and nodded toward the other two. "Now who's gonna pick next?"

    Blair cocked an eyebrow. "Quick pick, Bianca."

    Bianca nodded slowly, wisely. "Of course! From the names, only one of them really suits me anyway."

    "Okey doke, then," Blair said. "One more R-P-S, Cheren?"

    "Yeah," Cheren said. "Bianca, count us down."

    "Rock, papers, scissors..." Bianca took a long pause, grinning from ear to ear. "...sssshhhhooooooo...tuh!"

    The two remaining competitors sped their hands forward, Cheren's in the form of paper, Blair's in the form of scissors.

    Cheren scowled. "Oh come on, I'm left to be the one without a choice?" He sighed, placing a hand on Blair's shoulder. "Pick well."

    Blair was grinning from ear to ear. His heart was pounding faster than he had ever felt it before. He looked at his choices. Bianca had swiped the water-type. She was an odd person, and Oshawott was kind of an odd name: he saw her point. Therefore, his choices were down to the grass-type Snivy, and the fire type Tepig.

    He closed his eyes, and placed his hand out in front of him, grabbing onto the first one his hand touched. He held it tight, and opened his eyes, looking down at the cards to see which one he had chosen.

    The only card left coupled with a ball was the one labeled Tepig. So he had chosen Snivy.

    "Well, my gal Lindsey, I said to choose wisely, not play a blind roulette. Fool," Cheren muttered. He grabbed the last ball. "Oh well. I wanted Tepig from the start anyway."

    The three friends turned to each other, all of them wearing a wide grin.

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
    Ava stood in front of the door, licking her lips. It was a nervous habit: she couldn't help but be kind of nervous right now, standing in front of one of the most famed laboratories in the world. Aurea Juniper was no pushover in the world of research, standing second only to the likes of Kanto's Samuel Oak.

    "Time to meet the head," she said, glancing down toward Ted.

    "Ursa!" Ted said. "Teddi di!"

    She allowed herself a grin, and knocked on the door. She was left without any sort of response for quite a few minutes, but she waited with as much patience as she could muster, and managed to keep her grin once the door finally slid open to reveal the tall, slim figure of Professor Juniper.

    "Hi!" she said. "What can I do ya for, Little Miss?" She glanced down at the Pokemon next to her, her eyes glinting with excitement, but she said nothing further.

    "Hello," Ava said. "My name is Ava Kodach? I was scheduled to come-"

    "Oh, my! I had forgotten all about you. So sorry, so sorry, Missy."

    Ava shook her head. "It's okay, Professor."

    "Come on in!" Juniper said, stepping aside and placing her arm inside.

    Ava nodded and walked in, Ted jogging after her dutifully.

    The three of them moved toward the back of the large lab, where Juniper offered her a seat. The two of them sat down, and Ted sat on the floor next to Ava.

    "So, Missy, a question I've been wanting to ask," Juniper started, her eyes going over Ava's figure, one hand twirling her own caramel brown hair, the other on the table, strumming its metallic surface. "What in the world is up with those grass stains?"

    Ava glanced down on her shirt, seeing smears of green and brown on her shirt. She grinned widely. "Me and Ted were rollin' down a hill earlier. All sorts of fun - you should try it some time."

    Juniper smiled softly. "I see. So, if my memory serves me correctly, you come here from Johto?"

    "Yes, ma'am. My father came from this region, and I kind of want to explore my roots. You know?" Ava said.

    "Ah, a good cause. Not many people like to take an initiative like that. I respect it."

    "Thanks, Professor," Ava said.

    "M'hm. Well, what do you plan to do while here? Simply explore? Or is there something more?" Juniper asked.

    "I've been considering taking the League Challenge. But just considering, so far - I haven't made up my mind yet."

    "The League Challenge is a good experience for any trainer. It allows them to grow personally, as well as grower a stronger bond with their Pokemon. I think you should do it."

    "I'll keep that in mind, Professor."

    Juniper nodded. "Well, I've never been one for small talk, Missy. So shall I get to the point?"

    Ava nodded.

    "Alrighty, then. I asked you to come visit me because I want to request something of you. I want you to have this."

    She reached into her pocket and pulled out a small, rectangular device. It had a blank silver screen on the inside, surrounded by a rim of red, with a black ball printed on the top. Ava took it, and examined it.

    "Is this a Pokedex?" Ava asked.

    Juniper nodded. "I'm impressed. Yes, it's a Pokedex. This is the version used here in Unova. It contains data on all 142 Pokemon native to Unova. It's an essential tool to any trainer, but this is one of four models in existence for Unova. It's yours, Missy. But only if you make me a promise."

    Ava looked at Juniper as if she were growing lobsters out of her ears. Why would this woman give HER of all people such a rare model of Pokedex? It baffled her. "Sure..."

    Juniper leaned in close on the table. "Travel to your heart's content. Catch as many Pokemon as you can. Learn about them. Grow to be friends with them. And overall, grow as a person, Missy Kodach."

    Ava nodded swiftly, grinning from ear to ear. She spoke in an excited tone of voice, which seemed to be contagious, as Ted leaped up on the table, leaning in and embracing Ava. She embraced him back. "Yes, ma'am. It's a promise."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Author's Notes: Recently, I obtained a copy of Pokemon White Version. I have been playing it every opportunity I have had since the day I got it, and I'm surprised I managed to tear myself away from it long enough to write this. I am absolutely addicted: and as with anything I grow seriously addicted to, I feel the compulsion to write about it.

    This story, for the most part, will be an adaptation of my personal experiences playing. As to entertain anyone, certain twists will be thrown in: that's a given. But don't expect any sort of deviation from the "versus Team Plasma" and "Beat all Eight Gym Leaders" storyline. Sorry if that's a turn-off.

    This may seem a fifth project. It is, in a sense. But I regret to say that this will take place of one of my current ongoing projects: "Rescue". Rescue is now on an indefinite hiatus. I apologize to anyone who has read it and enjoyed it, but I will not lie and say that I really liked writing it. I didn't.

    So as of the moment, my projects are:
    - Sinnoh Stories: The Legend of Volkner! (Won an award for best canon-character centric, tied with Mrs. Lovett's 'Roots', this year!)
    - Best Laid Plans
    - Summersville [A Dragon Ball Z Fan Fiction]
    and...
    - Pokemon White [Preliminary Title]


    Be sure to check out the other three if you enjoyed this! And don't hesitate to drop in a review for any of them.
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2011
  2. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Another fan fic? Gah, you'll be too busy one day, and then you'll probably get bored of writing one of them. And then I shall be annooyed at the waste of an awesome fan fic.

    Anyway, points. The characterisation was good, and the humour involved was unique and, quite frankly gave me the chortles. The style of writing was good as always, but I actually thought it lacked a lot of the origanality that others have put into their unova based stories. I can understand the feeling of being hooked on a game and wanting to write about it (I was hooked on saphire, and now on white too), but I don't think it was the wisest idea to do something like another Unova story. There are millions around these days. Actually, on that note, I was thinking of maybe doing one, so you pipped me the the post.

    Anyway, back to the point. I didn't think that your description was too good this timke round. If I hadn't played the games, I would've been confused at the vague descriptions of what Blair, Bianca and Cheren looked like. For example, from what I could see you only described Biance as blonde with a dress. And Tediursa too.

    Overall, good, but I don't think it was quite as good as your others.

    Edit: You know what, I've changed my opinion on it. I think that as loads of people are doing Unova based stories, it is easy to compare people. And so, I might start one too!
     
    Last edited: Mar 13, 2011
  3. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the review! I always appreciate honesty.

    - Ian
     
  4. Lolmeister

    Lolmeister New Member

    That was a good fan fiction
     
  5. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thank you! But what exactly did you like about it? Was there anything you didn't like? Don't be afraid to be more detailed with your input (mainly because you have to be longer in praise/criticism than what you did according to the rules :p).

    - Ian
     
  6. Blitzy

    Blitzy Fhweeeeee...

    Always nice to see one of the good, ol' journey fics.

    Now, I know that this story will be based on the general plotline of the games, but I seem to be missing a touch of creativity. It's only the first chapter so I suppose it's really too early for me to judge. Just something to keep in mind (I don't sound too patronizing, I hope?).

    Umm, as far as writing style goes, it progresses nicely and you don't seem to waste time on unnecessary details, something I still need to keep track of every now and then. I have an odd fondness for little tidbits, fragments of a sentence that amuse me somehow. There was one at the beginning: (you might not find this as good as I do, especially since you're the writer ^^;)

    That was a nice little detail, and I enjoyed the way you formulated it. It's those kinds of little details that make literature so enjoyable for me. Description-wise, you might've been a bit vague here and there with the character descriptions. It did not really distract me, but maybe only because I already know all of these characters (the exception being Ava, who I've yet to form an image of ^^;). Anyways, onto the rest.

    As far as characters go, I might be a bit less enthusiastic. I'm a bit picky about characters, and tend to form opinions too fast, so this could all be different as soon as next chapter rolls around. Umm, I enjoyed Bianca the most of the three main characters (I'm not counting Ava for now), since she's that naive, flight kind of girl. She seemed reasonably in-character (going from the game) and I liked the fact that she got to pick first (Yes, all my favourite characters should get special privileges >3). Her doing a headlock was kind of unexpected though :3

    Now, I'm not so much a fan of Cheren, neither in-game or in your story. The two versions might be overlapping though, since their character aren't that alike. What bothered me is that Blair was being the punctual one, and thus fretting over Bianca's absence, when I would associate that role (or characteristic) with Cheren instead. Another quirk of mine was the continuous teasing with Blair's awkward surname. Again, this does not strike me as something Cheren would do, at least not repeatedly.

    I'm happy the player character - in this case, Blair - was included, since I'm a huge fan of both of them. As mentioned before, I found his behaviour more suitable to Cheren; this is of course, assuming, that you're using their canon personalities. If not, my whole point just became moot ^^; I like the rather funky name he's cursed with though it felt as if it was jammed into my face every other sentence, what with Cheren constantly calling him Lindsey.

    I can't really say much about the other characters, since Ava was not featured as prominently; same with Prof. Juniper. Some of the humor was amusing enough, but I found it a bit annoying at times as well. I really liked this teeny little comeback from Blair:


    I'm curious as to why Ava got such a special Pokédex, but I'm sure there's going to be an explanation eventually. Otherwise, that'd be a little too convenient, since Ava did seem to imply that receiving a Pokédex is somewhat special. Well, I'm looking forward to the next chapter =D
     
  7. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    alabaster daze: unova chronicle​


    Chapter 2: And then someone pulls the ol' switcharoo!

    "Oi," Cheren said. "I think something's wrong here, Lindsey."

    Blair stared at the scene in front of him with confusion, nodding his head slowly, too confused to comment on the girl's-name-insult. He was looking at a small blue creature, with a darker blue tail, white arms and a white face. It had come from his Pokeball, which had been labeled as Snivy's: Blair was pretty damn sure this wasn't a Snivy.

    "Juniper called us meatheads," Blair mused. "Well, at least we didn't label our friggin' balls wrong."

    It seemed that there was one heck of a mixup: in front of Cheren stood a snake-like Pokemon with a green back, a pronounced snout, and a lazy look in his eyes. He looked to be bored; until a smug grin crossed his lips. The yellow foliage from his neck ruffled a bit, and the leafy tail behind him began to thump against the ground. From the yellow foliage shot a pair of vines, which grabbed onto Cheren's glasses, pulling them off and holding them above him.

    "Hey!" Cheren cried. "Give me my glasses back, you little freak!"

    Snivy's eyes lit up, and he snapped the glasses right in two, right in front of his cream colored stomach.

    Cheren flinched at the sound. Blair was glad that Cheren could see, albeit badly, without those things: because if he couldn't, then he would really look like a jackass when he fell to the floor, laughing like a hyena.

    Cheren ignored Blair and Snivy, his face a bright shade of red. "And what about you, Bianca? I'm guessing you got Tepig?"

    Bianca shook her head, and then seemed to realize what she had done with that. She spoke up. "No."

    Blair looked over to where Bianca stood, and allowed his giggles to die down. Her Pokemon matched up perfectly, in terms of looks, to Blair's.

    Blair's Pokemon looked up at him with curious eyes. "...Sha?"

    Blair fell to a single knee, and extended a hand toward the Pokemon. He forced a smile, nodding toward it. The Pokemon did not take the bait: it reached its head forward, taking a nice little bite out of Blair's extended fingers.

    "Ow! My fingers! You little MONSTER! C'mere, why, I OUGHT'A-"

    "...WOTTTTT!"

    The Pokemon, which Blair had now deduced as Oshawott, opened his mouth and shot forth a spray of water. It hit Blair dead on, soaking him, his blue jacket clinging to his thin chest, blue jeans now looking as if he peed himself. Oshawott then ran toward the other corner of the room, sliding under Blair's bed.

    Perhaps it was the fact that his sight was bad without glasses, or he was just a little too annoyed to be returning Blair's laughter, but Cheren continued on as if nothing had happened. "Bianca, or Blair, one of you, go over to my place and grab my spare pair of glasses, will you? We'll get this Pokemon situation straightened out later."

    Blair stood up and nodded. He returned Oshawott, and darted toward the stairs. "I'll be back in a few."

    As Blair left, Cheren let loose a tired sigh. "Wonder if he'll remember the glasses."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    "And so the Snivy ended up snapping your son's glasses right in two. Boy, was it a sight to see! But, uh, yeah. He asked me to run over and grab his spare pair. Where are they?" Blair asked.

    "I believe they're right next to his computer. But yes - are you sure you and him don't want to... you know, switch Pokemon? We can't afford to buy pair after pair of glasses," Mrs. Phelps responded.

    "I'm pretty sure my Pokemon would try and drown him in his sleep."

    "...Right," Mrs. Phelps murmured. "Well, I'll go grab them for him. I'll be right down."

    "No, no, I insist," Blair said.

    "Fine. Hurry."

    Blair moved toward the steps, and darted up them. He was met with something he had never thought he would see. His heart nearly stopped in his chest, sweat trickling down his forehead: Cheren's room had the light on. He cracked a thin smile at his own incredibly stupid joke, then glanced around the room for Cheren's computer. He saw it, then ran toward it.

    He leaned in, accidentally bumping into the mouse. The screen flashed to life, and Blair observed it contents. Cheren had apparently left it online. He was reading some sort of news article, which was more than enough to distract Blair's interest. He sighed, and looked around the desk for a glasses case.

    "Team Plasma, Team Schmashma," he murmured. He spotted the glasses, grabbed them and slipped them into his pocket. "Not like those wackos are gonna be that important. Sure Cheren thinks the same."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Blair rushed into his home, darting past his confused mother. She called his name, and Blair swiftly turned around, glaring down the steps at her. "Yeah, mom?"

    "Blair, honey, Cheren and Bianca have already left for Professor Juniper's lab."

    "...Damn those two!" Blair cursed, and dashed down the steps once again, heading out the door. "See you later, mom!"




    He had slowed to a limping walk by the time he made it up to Professor Juniper's lab, where Cheren and Bianca stood outside waiting. Cheren had his arm around Bianca's shoulder. He smirked, removed the glasses from his pocket, and handed them to Cheren.

    "Bianca, you guided him?" Blair mused.

    Bianca nodded, slipping out of Cheren's grip. "Uh-huh."

    Blair's smirk widened. "You were his seeing-eye dog?"

    Bianca nodded again. "Uh-huh..."

    "Thanks, Lindsey," Cheren muttered. He looked a lot better now with those glasses on, Blair had to admit. He ignored him however, and continued to go onto his joke on Bianca.

    "You were a female dog, huh?" Blair asked.

    "Uh-h- WAIT." Bianca stopped herself midsentence, trudging over to Blair and grabbing his ear. She pulled him by it toward the door, and knocked on it roughly for a moment.

    "Hey, hey, lemme go, c'mon, it was just a joke!" Blair cried.

    Cheren slid his palm over his face, ignoring the barrier of glasses there, and let it move down, as if it would wash away the stupidity that had utterly blasted him just moments before.

    The door opened swiftly, and Bianca let go of Blair's ear. Blair rubbed it furiously, murmuring something inaudible. He looked up and saw a slim, professional looking figure in a green dress and white shirt, a lab coat covering her. She ran a hand through her chestnut hair, and looked toward the three at the door with a grin.

    "And the prodigal sons... and daughter... arrive!" the woman exclaimed. "Bianca, Blair, and Cheren, right?"

    The three of them nodded.

    "Got'cha. My name is Professor Aurea Juniper, and Welcome to the World of Pokemon-"

    "We know who you are, Professor," Cheren muttered.

    "...Oh. Well, then, come on inside!"

    The three of them followed the woman, stepping inside the large red building.

    The lab was a rather large place, at least compared to what one would expect from looking at the tiny, not-at-all-intimidating outside. Boxes dotted the front area of the lab, mixed in with the tables that sported laptop computers and the bookshelves that had an array of thick books on them. At the back, past a set of bookshelves, the four of them set down at a table.

    "So, Professor," Cheren said. "We have a bit of a problem."

    The Professor cocked an eyebrow. "And this would be?"

    "You're the meathead," Blair butted in. "You left us with Snivy, Oshawott and... Oshawott."

    Juniper's eyes widened. "...Oh my. Did I accidentally give you the behaviourly impaired Oshawott?"

    Cheren slid his glasses up his nose and spoke. "...and Snivy."

    Juniper shook her head. "Snivy is just naturally a bit of an ***. It is a smug little devil. When it gets close to you, it will start to be nicer. Toward you, anyway."

    Bianca frowned. "Don't worry, my Oshawott is just fine! As cute as a button, too."

    Juniper sighed. "Well, then - It must have been Tepig that I shipped off to Fennel. I apologize so much for this, you two. Blair, if you would prefer it, I can go out and help you catch something new. Maybe you can get Tepig when you arrive in Striaton-"

    "Who says we were going there?" Blair asked. He felt a slight pang of suspicion at this woman - not a negative one, though. It excited him, if his thought proccess worked right.

    Juniper's eyes flashed, as she momentarily forgot the issue. "Because I'm not giving you those Pokemon for free."

    Cheren cocked an eyebrow. "Do you mean you're going to bribe us into becoming full-time trainers?"

    Juniper shook her head. "No. Well, yes, sort of. But there's a task I want to ask you children to complete for me."

    The Professor stood up, walking toward a desk with a laptop computer on it, sliding her hand into a box that rested beside it. She pulled out one small, black device. Then another. Finally, a third one was pulled out, and she bundled them into her arms, approaching the table and setting them down. She slid one to each of them.

    Blair looked at his with a mixed sense of emotion: he was, for some reason, awestruck. He pressed a button at its bottom labeled "ON/OFF", and the machine sprung to life, speaking in a monotone, droning voice.

    "Pokedex - Model U2, name Dexera. How might I serve you today?"

    Juniper looked over to Blair. "Dexera, please show Blair the 'dex in normal function."

    "Activating 'dex - no customization. Please enjoy," Dexera stated.

    Suddenly, a wall-like structure appeared on the screen. It appeared to be a vault of some sort. Its center spun for a moment, and then the walls pulled apart, revealing an array of blank spots: only three of them were full. And these were labeled, "SNIVY", "TEPIG", and "OSHAWOTT".

    "Show entry on Oshawott," Professor Juniper said.

    "OSHAWOTT: The sea otter Pokemon. It fights using the 'scalchop' on its stomach as a blade. The 'scalchop' is made with the same element as claws are. In response to an attack, it removes its 'schalchop' and slashes the opponent," Dexera droned. "Would you like to view another entry?"

    "No, Dexera, thank you. Please shut off."

    "Pokedex, Model U2, name Dexera. Shutting down."

    Blair's only motion was a steady set of blinks. Finally, he spoke up with a simple, surprised, "...Whoa."

    "Now, children. I ask you to undertake an important, tedious task. It might take years. It could take a month with you four working together. It will be tough: you see, this model of Pokedex is the first one in the Unova region. Our government has rejected such, quote-unquote, 'Heinous technological pish-posh', up until our new President has come. Therefore, we are behind, and the entries on this thing are blank. When a Pokedex senses a Pokeball catching a Pokemon, it links with that ball, sensing through the Pokemon's life, its instincts, to learn of its past and its habits, its techniques, everything about it."

    Cheren spoke up. "You want us to complete it, don't you?"

    Juniper grinned. "Yes, Cheren, I do."

    Blair spoke next. "There are only three of us, Professor."

    Juniper's face flushed red. "Oh, excuse me, I'm sorry. A bit of a brain fart."

    Blair nodded. "It's okay, I s'pose. Okay, Professor, I'll do it."

    Bianca nodded next. "I'll do it too! It sounds like fun, plus... I guess I have a few motives of my own."

    Cheren was the last, but the most adamant to agree. "So here we are, about to become full-fledged trainers. I'm going to take the Gym Circuit challenge. I will complete the Pokedex - I will make myself a name in the Unova region! Thank you, Professor, so much."

    Juniper's grin returned. "Then there we go. I look forward to seeing the names of you three on the news - as the Unova region's champions!"

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Author's Notes: I am well aware that this model of 'dex is more similar to the Sinnoh region's. This is more than anything an author's bias - I like that model the best. =p

    Chapter 2 of Pokemon White is finally here! Enjoy.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2011
  8. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Well, I can't deny the fact I've been seeing you around these forums and Bulbagarden for quite some time now. Despite that, though, I've yet to really check out any of your work. Seeing as how I've been in love with Pokemon White lately, I guess I figured it was finally time to look through one of your fics and whatnot. :3 Hope you don't mind my reviews hahahah.

    Well, here goes nothing.

    You have a really wonderful writing style and I must say I already love reading your work. However, this paragraph just felt slightly awkward to me. It's not too bad, trust me, but I just felt like it could use some sprucing up. To me the major thing that could have used some work was that second sentence in the paragraph so I tried my best to give you an example of other ways to do it; before it was mostly "Ava nodded slowly. She was on a hill. She was looking at a small town. It consisted of ten houses. One building was bigger than everything else. There were trees." (well, that's a crappy run down version of your paragraph anyways) I can already tell you're a much better writer than just that, so I'm trying to help make things flow. Think of details like you'd think of peas, and readers are the screaming, bratty children; you don't want readers to know you're feeding 'em peas, so you have to use a bunch of smoke and mirrors to make them not even look like peas at all. Does that make sense? Sorry for cracking down on this part, it just seemed slightly information dump-y. You don't have to take my suggestions in the quoted area, obviously, since I'm sure they're not the best; I was just trying to show you in the quote ways you could try to hide the details while still having them there.

    This one's iffy. Those words mess everyone up, and it just sounds awkward (at least to me) with the word lay. You don't have to change it, but eh.

    "Aw, geez. Bianca's late as usual." The extra period between "Bianca's late" and "as usual" makes the line a tad choppy.

    It pressed against his blue cap before falling back down over his eyes, which were focused on the boy in the corner of the room. Currently the sentence just doesn't make as much sense to me as it could; it fell up? o: Either way, I like how this is going so far. I already think Ava's awesome. Teddiursa are pretty much the shizz. Lol.

    Two things I want to note here: 1) When doing thoughts, I don't think the quotation marks are actually needed. If you were to take them out, the sentence would make much more sense because when a person reads it with quotation marks they instantly assume someone's speaking it out loud. It sent me for a loop for a second. Oh, and 2) BAHAHAHAH. Blair Lindsey. Poor boy. xD That's great you decided to poke so much fun at his girly name. Lol.

    Unnecessary comma in the second sentence is unnecessary.

    You have a good opportunity here to actually remove the extra "xxxxx said, xxxx asked" et cetera stuff here. A person can easily tell just who's talking given the dialogue and how there are only two people. The "Blair said, Cheren asked, Blair exclaimed" sort of detracts from the experience. I'm loving the characterization you're already incorporating, however; it feels like they really have known each other for ages and we're just being thrown in to any given scene in their life, just the way a story really should feel. Kudos.

    Lol. 'K so. No problems here, I just love this part. I never saw Bianca as the kind to put someone in a headlock. xD That's great on your part for adding in. Two, Blair's a total smartass and I'm loving it. Hahah. That line at the bottom of the quote is hilarious. xD

    Ahahaha. xD You're doing wonderfully to incorporate a fun, light-hearted sense of humor into this fic already. Congrats, most people aren't able to pull it off as well as you.

    Unnecessary commas are unnecessary. The only ones needed in that sentence are the ones after "finally" and "read." Though I see what you were trying to do with the other two, it just doesn't really work out that well and makes the sentence slightly choppy.

    WOOT! Snivy for the win. :3 Best starter in 5th gen for sure. Also, the "settling decisions with rock paper scissors" thing was a fun addition. Your fic is really quite the enjoyable read so far.

    By the time you say shirt a second time, we already know that it's on her shirt from when you say it the first time. Just take out the second shirt part.

    Same as earlier when I said that the "xxxxx said, xxxxx said" isn't necessary and sort of detracts from the dialogue.

    Two things: First, the second Unova is a tad repetitive. Rather, why not switch it out for something like, "this region" ? It makes it sound a bit better. Secondly, looking at the quote before this one, you stopped using the whole "blank said" thing shortly after that quote. Good show, old bean. ;D

    Ahahahah. "as if she were growing lobsters out of her ears." Best analogy ever. xD However, seeing as how it's the Pokemon world (unless there are real Pokemon in your world as well, which isn't unheard of in fics) what about saying Crawdaunt or Krabby/Kingler out of her ear? Not necessary, but it helps immerse the Pokemon experience. Also, for the above quote, should it be "of a Pokedex?" o:

    Well, that was a humorous way to start a journeyfic. I don't blame you for wanting to start one after playing Black and White, the thought crossed my mind as well. (White for the win!) Your characters interact with each other very well and your writing style is impeccable. Your story is a delight to read with your word choices and way of explaining things, it was actually incredibly refreshing. Congrats, 'cause normally a person has to take fan fic stories with a grain of salt (though not so much on this forum). You have a real masterpiece working up here so I'll be more than happy to read on.

    However, there IS one thing I noticed while going through this chapter (thought it wasn't as present in Chapter Two so who knows if it's been worked out or not). Your dialogue could use some touching up in the sense of how you describe it afterwards. You normally use one of three things whenever your character is done talking. "So-and-so said," "So-and-so replied," or "So-and-so exclaimed." Granted there are one or two examples that break the mold, but that was the main thing I noticed were those three things. Like I pointed out several times, there were instances were anything after it was unnecessary. However, you can't just not put anything after every single time. I'd suggest trying to spice things up a bit because reading that over and over again starts to get very old. Instead, why not try to add action in it? For example, take this sentence:
    This is a great opportunity to not only add characterization to Bianca but to also break the "So-and-so exclaimed" fallback you've been using. Instead, show her emotions rather than what she's saying. You can use instances like this to really give the readers a feel for her. Let's see if it's any better (though my example may not be since it'll be done in two seconds xD)
    Remember other ways of saying dialogue such as "cried, wailed, stuttered, moaned, whispered," et cetera to spice things up, and if you don't feel any of those fit, you can always just use action instead.

    There's my critique for chapter one. Sorry for the super long-ness of this. It was over-all one of the better intros to a journeyfic I've read. I look forward to reading Chapter Two. ;3


    I have to ask, was this because you intended to have a mix up from the beginning or did you just suddenly realize you prefer Oshawott over Snivy? Lol. When I first was reading and saw Cheren even got the type-advantage again I had to admit I was a tad disappointed at the seemingly sudden change of heart you had, but when it turned out Bianca didn't get Tepig that made things a little bit better.

    Liek oh em gee. Epic foreshadowing. Lol. This small part about getting his glasses was relatively skip-worthy, but adding in the news article about Team Plasma made it a tad better.

    This sounds just a bit awkward because you say he spoke followed quickly by dialogue that supposedly is a separate sentence entirely. (Does the way I describe that even make sense to you? ;-; I feel like I worded that poorly.) JUST a suggestion, but what about if it were something like, "Cheren slid his glasses up his nose, muttering, "and Snivy, too."

    I'd suggest either making one of the 's's in that word italicized to allow it to evade the ban filter or find a better word, seeing as how having "***" in a sentence doesn't seem that great for a story. Hahahah. xD I made the same mistake before too, don't worry. I forgot there were word bans.

    Dialogue seemed a bit strange here. "When it gets close to you, it'll start to be nicer. Well... Towards you, anyways." What about that? The "Towards you" part just sort of threw me off.

    Information dump is information dump-y. You already described to us what they looked like in the previous chapter, so this was a teensy bit unnecessary. You could omit the sentence entirely and the story would still make perfect sense.

    *Dexera

    Well, this was pretty much a standard beginning and it was relatively short. It's hard to really get around this sort of thing, so I don't blame you. I'm still skeptical about the sudden switch to Oshawott but I trust you'll be able to pull it off well in your story. I'm interested to know just what role Ava will play in this after all and just how things will unravel from here; will Bianca, Blaire and Cheren travel together or will they go their separate ways? Either way, I can't wait to read more.

    Well, all-in-all that was a very good read. Sorry for having gone through in such detail. I know some don't like having their stories critiqued like that. Most were just suggestions on my part on how to make things flow easier from my point of view, but you're the writer so if there's something you don't want to follow obviously you don't have to. I have to say, out of all the things good about the fic so far, your writing style is really what sells it for me. I think it's most evident in your very first few paragraphs with Ava in Chapter One; you've really got a knack for this type of thing. Either way, I'm looking forward to reading further chapters. If you have a PM list or anything of the like, feel free to add me to it. Good luck with your story! Hope you continue on with it. :3
     
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2011
  9. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Yo again. I can't really think of a detailed response for some reason, but I shall try my best to do a good one. Judging by DawnHero's Spoiler boxes I'm going to be nowhere near as good as him, but here goes.

    Firstly I have to say I liked the pokemon mix up. I didn't expect it at all, good job. The comedy was ok, and I thought that the characterisation was fine. You kept in character, and no-one seemed to have changed ridiculously. Then again, what can I expect from someone as good as you.

    Anyway, I felt it was maybe a bit too shorter chapter. All that happened really was that they got the wrong pokemon, Blair got some new glasses and they got pokedexes. It felt a bit like it was lacking something, althoug I'm really not sure what. I don't know, I didn't get as into it as I have got into your writing in the past. Merp.

    I felt it needed a bit more description in places too. Like Cherens house and the lab. it wasn't really an action bit, so it wouldn't of hurt to add detail in there. I actually felt it was a bit rushed to be honest.

    Anyway, I didn't look for grammer, but everything else was of course perfect. And I am sorry for critisising the Unovaness in the first Review. I changed my mind afterwoulds, and I too have started a Unova story so that it is easy to compare writers (And because Black and White rule). The link's on the sig :)

    Anyway, I shall look forward to the journeys start, where I predict these little problems will iron out.
     
  10. EonMaster One

    EonMaster One saeculum harmonia

    I've been around this forum long enough to see two new generations of Pokemon released worldwide, and it always has a way of giving the journey fic genre a nice kick in the rear end.

    The dark side of that is that too large a chunk of the people that flood the forums with their exuberance don't know what the hell they're doing, or they do but they don't bother to take the time out to give their work a little polish before they present it to the world. And it gets ugly, and I mean that in more ways than one: huge blocks of texts that are probably supposed to be several paragraphs, writers that think that the 'enter' button or the spell check are luxuries, and it feels like everyone who snoozed off in English class wants to write fanfiction.

    Fortunately, this fic has none of these problems.

    You definitely know what you're doing. That's good.

    Since I'm a bit late to the party, you'll probably have heard some of this before. I'd bone up description just a bit. Not much. I like your pacing in most places, but you'd improve the length and meatiness of your writing if you added a few more descriptors. Like maybe height compared to the others, such as Snivy coming up right about to Cheren's shin. Maybe the fact that Teddiursa's distinguishing feature is a white crescent on its forehead. It's not bad, but it could be better.

    Especially with Ava. I haven't the foggiest clue what Ava would look like besides her hair color, and that's potentially crippling if Ava's supposed to be your main protagonist, or even an important character.

    Also, I know that Juniper is probably by far the least formal of the professors so far, but the way she talks to Ava is very familiar. Do they have some sort of special relationship? It doesn't appear that they know each other, yet they converse and interact like two old girlfriends - much more familiar, I might add, than she seems to be with Cheren, Blair (on another note, thank you very much for NOT using the name 'Hilbert'), and Bianca, who live in the same town as she does. I dunno. Just something I caught. Maybe there's some sort of explanation for it that you haven't reveal yet, but it seems awfully strange.

    Now, for the good parts. ^^

    The first thing I thought was... "Okay, another kind of generic journey fic based on the new region. I'll give it a look, it's pretty well written."

    And then I lol'd.

    Seriously lol'd. Like I haven't reading a story in a long time. There's a certain charm in the humorous bits you slip into the dialogue - Blair's snarking and embarrassing full name (because, incidentally, Blair's a name found as often if not more often on girls), Cheren's needling (which I think sets him apart from the one-track-minded, flat character that he is in the games, IMO), and Bianca's lack of punctuality, but also the fact that she's got a small tomboyish streak in her. And even the Pokemon are pretty rambunctious. I really think that you could make this humor and the personality you're giving your characters and think that you can build on that. If you've ever read Breezy's Hoenn League: A Brendan and May Adventure, you'll see that it's - not unlike this - a glorified game novelization. And yet it's one of the best and most popular fics on this site because of the sheer amount of personality she puts into the writing. So, know that this kind of fic can be good, even great, with the right kind of individual spin.

    That said, I do have two main bones to pick:

    First off, Ava. Because I didn't get as much personality from her as I did from any of the other characters, she pretty much screams to me, "I'm here for the sake of the author wanting an OT in the story." Characters made for that purpose that don't have a clear personality can easily come off as empty shells that can easily absorb whatever character trait works best for the situation. In other words, since there was no established characterization, then nothing can truly be abnormal for this particular character, and the audience will be expected to roll with the punches as far as he/she is concerned. The thing that's worse about it is that you did such a good job in the early goings with Blair, Cheren, and Bianca, that I sort of believe you could carry on a great story without Ava even being in the picture. But clearly, Ava's in the picture for a reason, or else you just would have made do with the other three.

    So, since Ava's clearly supposed to be pretty important to the story, it'd do us all well if you made her someone that we as readers can react to. With such good work on the periphery, it'd be a shame to see this story ruined because readers feel like they're being force-fed a main character that's bland or, worse, a Mary Sue. That's often where some characters go when the author realizes how boring they are halfway through the story and then goes through a whole bunch of plot contortions to try to make them more interesting. More often than not, intelligent readers will scoff at this and go, "You're kidding me, right?" because it's not believable.

    But enough on that. The other thing is the title. I'd get something done about that sooner rather than later. Seriously. It's the reason I sat there and stared at it for a good few minutes before I actually went in. If you hadn't prefaced it with "Preliminary Title", I would have totally ignored it and dismissed it as the work of some novice when, clearly, you're not.

    Maybe I'd go with something like, say, Alabaster. It's another word for 'white', and it has a slightly feminine connotation that would work well if you're using a girl as the main protagonist. On top of all of that, you don't see a fic with the name 'Alabaster.' It'd be a draw.

    You might feel the need to make some fancy title just for the sake of making a fancy title, but don't to that, either. That's possibly more detrimental than leaving it as is. I once knew a guy that read my and two other writers' fic and came up with this epic-sounding title that made it obvious that he was trying way too hard. Something creative and snippy usually does the trick. I might even go for something humorous or sarcastic, since the fic pretty much drips with sarcasm.

    All in all, you don't take yourself too seriously, but you do take the writing seriously, and that's a good thing. I hope you seriously invest time into this fic and making it as good as it can be. Judging by your signature, you are spread a bit thin now. I'd be careful with that. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed it and hope to see more from you.

    - ;196; EM1
     
  11. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the review!



    Thank all three of you for the reviews! I appreciate them so much. I'm glad you all enjoyed the story!

    - Ian
     
  12. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    alabaster daze: unova chronicle​


    Chapter 3: The Emancipated Boy's Proclamation of Emancipation from his proclamations of cowardice. THINK THAT ONE OVER.

    [[I also just realized I'd probably best due some disclaimers. So here's one. If you think -I-, of all people, own Pokemon, then you're a moron and need to get the hell out of my fanfiction.

    Also, yes. This story is officially undergoing a name change to "Alabaster Daze: Unova Chronicle". Thank you to EonMaster_One for the "Alabaster" part. I always had the 'Daze: Unova Chronicle' part in mind, but "White Daze: Unova Chronicle" doesn't sound nearly as cool now does it? ​

    The obvious solution, Blair thought, would be to catch another Pokemon and use that in place of Oshawott until he arrived at Striaton City and could get the Tepig (not his starter of choice, but it seemed he wasn't getting his choice this time) from this "Fennel" person. But Blair's niche in the world was not following obvious, logical solutions. He was the type of person who's thoughts nagged him.

    C'mon, ya damn fool, he cursed mentally. You can either train this thing like a real trainer would, fix those issues, or be a pussy and get the nice, docile little Tepig. Bla, bla, bla...
    Blair hated his mentality sometimes, especially when he gave himself ultimatums like that. He stood in Professor Juniper's bathroom, not doing anything, contemplating just what he needed to do. He sighed, flushed the toilet for convincing purposes, and then headed out the door.

    "And Lindsey has pissed for ten minutes. Quickly, Bianca, let's build... Cheren's Ark! I love the sound of it. We'll grab two of each Pokemon, one male, one female and..." Cheren droned.

    "Shut up, Phelps," Blair deadpanned.

    "Right, right."

    "So!" Professor Juniper butted in. "Let's all head out to Route One, shall we? I'll catch Blair a new Pokemon, and in the process teach you three how to do it yourselves!"

    Cheren and Bianca both muttered their agreements, while Blair remained silent. But he nodded, and the three of them were off.

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Aurea Juniper smiled softly as she led the trio of children down the road to Route One, her Mincinno's Pokeball in hand. She wondered if Amy's request was all that worth it. Her son was a bit of a goofball, this was made clear: Aurea couldn't help but wonder just why she had asked for this. Her son didn't seem the type who could handle the job. He was willingly following her so he could get RID of the job, in fact. But maybe she was wrong.

    She hoped she was.

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Blair stood just inches in front of the sign, Bianca and Cheren at his side. The three of them had their arms looped together, eyes focused on the ground.

    "You guys ready?" Bianca asked.

    "This is incredibly stupid," Blair muttered. But he would be lying if he said he didn't like said stupid idea. Bianca's plan was for the three of them to take their first step as Pokemon Trainer's outside of Nuvema Town together. They would start their true journey in sync.

    "Rude, aren't we, Lindsey?" Cheren asked.

    "Stop bickering, both of you!" Bianca chided. "We'll step forward five paces in five... four... three..."

    Blair couldn't believe this was about to occur. All of a sudden, he felt incredibly nervous. His legs were like towers of thick Jell-O beneath him, but he forced them to stay firm.

    "...two..."

    He closed his eyes and prepared for those fateful steps. He heard Bianca say "GO!" and the three of them, arms linked together, stepped onto Route One, each of them grinning from ear to ear.

    Blair opened his eyes, and saw Professor Juniper standing there in front of them. She too was smiling, her eyes echoing her admiration for the three of them. She clapped slowly.

    "Ones for theatrics, aren't we? Still, it was cute. And appropriate."

    Bianca curtsied. "Thank you!"

    Blair moved his hand behind his head, rubbing his hair timidly. "Right, right... well, let's get on with this."

    Professor Juniper nodded, and the three of them continued on their way.

    The search took forever, Blair thought. But finally, they had come upon a Pokemon wandering its way through the grass. It was a small brown thing, standing about a foot tall, with wide orange eyes. It held a hand on its head, as if doing some sort of odd salute. Its tail, tipped in white, thumped the grass behind it.

    "Alright, Time! It's kids!- I mean, alright, kids, it's- nevermind, let's just go on out, Mincinno!" Professor Juniper cried. She let her arm burst forward, the sphere clenched in her hand expanding and opening up, sending forth a flash of white light. The white light hit the ground and eventually disappeared, leaving a grayish figure in its place. It stood at about the same height, with huge ears tipped in white, and a relatively large tail also tipped in white. It thumped behind him, sending up clouds of dirt. It turned around and frantically watched it move, glancing around, careful to prevent it from falling on him.

    Blair pulled out Dexera, and pointed it at the creature, pressing the on button.

    "Blair, nice thinking!" Juniper praised quickly. "Of course, my Mincinno also has an entry!"

    "Welcome to Pokedex Model U2, Dexera. How may I help you today?"

    "Pull up 'dex entry on 'Mincinno'," Blair said.

    "MINCINNO - Chinchilla Pokemon. They are incredibly tidy Pokemon, and prefer a habitat that is such. They are always sweeping the ground with their tails, and greet each other with them."

    "Alright, Mincinno!" Juniper exclaimed, pointing at the brown Pokemon. "Let's take out that Patrat!"

    "...Ciii!" Mincinno cried. It rushed forward, leaping carefully among the grass, and slammed its paw across the face of the frozen Pokemon called Patrat. Patrat broke out of his frozen state, and jumped back, glaring at Mincinno. Mincinno hesitantly moved forward again, preparing a second slap. But Patrat rammed forward into Mincinno's exposed gut, sending the Pokemon skittering backward.

    "Hang in there, girl! Return the favor with a Doubleslap!" Juniper exclaimed.

    Mincinno picked herself up off the ground and rushed toward Patrat, leaping once again and this time landing on top of Patrat. The Pokemon was sent crumbling to the ground, and Mincinno wasted no time as she began to repeatedly slap the Patrat with an open paw. Seconds later, Mincinno got up - but the Patrat didn't.

    "And now for the grand finale!" Juniper cried, and reached into her pocket. She pulled out a small ball with a red top and white bottom, her thumb over a silver switch in the exact center. She pressed down on it, then tossed the ball forward toward Patrat. The ball hit the Pokemon on the head, then opened and sucked it in with a blast of red light. The ball hit the ground, and began to roll. Once to the left, a second time to the right, a third time to the left... and then it sat still. A thin "ding" sound entered the air, and Professor Juniper walked over to the ball and picked it up, tossing it to Blair afterward.

    Blair reached into his pocket and pulled out Oshawott's Pokeball. He let the Patrat's ball fall to his feet, slowly shaking his head.

    "Thanks, Professor, really. But I decided I don't want it. I want to keep Oshawott. I wanna... well, I wanna see if I can tame the little bastard." Blair looked up from the ball, grinning. "Because a real trainer doesn't give up that easy. Because a real trainer faces challenges and takes them down. And guess what Professor?" He reached up, and pressed a thumb against his chest. "I'm gonna be a real trainer."

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    "Okay," Ava said, looking down to her right side, her hand on top of her Pokemon's head. She gently stroked him on the crescent-shaped mark on his forehead. "You ready, Ted? This'll be our first catch!"

    Ted nodded slowly, looking at the creature in front of them. His eyes followed it with interest, though it didn't really move that much. It was resting on top of a tree branch, feeding off an unfortunate Pokemon with a leaf on its back.

    "And let's go! Ted, headbutt on that tree!"

    Ted rushed forward, his head tucked downward. He slammed into the tree, flailing his arms in the process. shaking it a little bit. The Pokemon in the branch looked up from the dead thing in front of it, focusing on Ava. It went utterly postal. The bird-like creature rushed off its branch and dived toward its new "prey".

    Ava rolled out of the way, watching the Pokemon hit the ground. "Ted, c'mon! Let's see what we can do here! Hone Claws, then let's get to our fiercest Fury Swipes!"

    Ted turned around. "Ursa!" He slipped around and scratched his claws together, creating a similar sound to a fork sliding across the blade of a knife. He continued this for a few moments, performed a few stretches, all while leaving Ava to run around in circles, the gray bird Pokemon circling around behind her; leaving in a peck or two every five or six seconds.

    "C'mon, Ted, hurry it up, I'm bein' chased by a mad birdy here! Oh god, oh god, OH GOD."

    Ted nodded and dashed toward the gray bird. He leaped into the air behind Ava, taking one of the pecks directly in the chest, in return for the opportunity to slam the Pokemon down. It cried out in surprise, but Ted wasn't going to let it even cry any longer: he swiped his paws across the back of the poor thing until he couldn't any longer. It lay there, groaning.

    "...dooo..."

    Ava nodded toward Ted. "Alright!" She jumped into the air, her red jacket shaking. She reached into the pocket of her blue jean shorts and pulled out a Pokeball, pressing its center switch and tossing it toward the downed Pokemon. It hit it right on the head, earning another surprised, "DOOOVV!", before it was sucked inside with a beam of red light.

    And after it shook three times, the Pokemon inside furiously fighting for escape, it let loose a barely audible 'ding', and the Pokemon was caught. Ava's Pokedex flared to life in her pocket and she pulled it out, listening to its droning voice.

    "PIDOVE: Tiny Pidgeon Pokemon. These Pokemon are highly domesticated, living in cities beside people as well as in the forests. Flocks often gather in parks and plazas. Each follows its trainers commands the best they can, but they fail to understand complicated commands."

    Ava nodded slowly. "Is my Pidove a male or a female?"

    "PIDOVE: Female Gender."

    "Right. So, Ted! I'll name her... Ruby. What do you think?"

    "Ursa!" Ted cried in agreement.

    Ava slipped her Pokedex back into her pocket, clipped Pidove's Pokeball to her belt, folded her arms over her chest and nodded. "Alright! Ted, Ruby, let's go! Off to Striaton City!"

    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Blair felt a sense of pride as he stood there, waiting for some form of response. His outburst seemed to shock the other three in the area. He decided he would get off of the subject though, as the silence was a bit awkward. He took his foot, slipped the Pokeball at his feet onto one, and thrust his foot upward. He caught the Pokeball in his free hand, then tossed it toward Juniper.

    "Well? Are we gonna get going to Accumula Town, or what?"


    -.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-​

    Spoiler for Next Chapter: A Preview!

    Blair pulled out Oshawott's Pokeball, staring at the small sphere with wider ones; his eyes widened to the point of where he thought they would explode. Was this man, this odd man, actually right? Oshawott seemed to hate him. Was it because he was a bad trainer? Or was it because training itself was... bad? He looked one more time at the man in front of him, and then dashed past. He heard the man cry out to him.

    "Think it over, Blair! Think it over!"
     
    Last edited: Mar 29, 2011
  13. Dawn_Hero

    Dawn_Hero Written Insanity~

    Comma in this sentence is unnecessary. It's perfectly fine as just one sentence without one.
    hs? I think that's a typo.
    These few sentences are a little bit off. It seems sort of like listing events- Ted rushed forward. He slammed into the tree. The Pokemon was surprised. I'd normally give an example of how to improve that, but you're already a good enough writer that I feel if you wanted to you could correct the problem on your own without help from me. xD

    All-in-all this was a pretty good chapter. You're taking things relatively slowly and in small doses. Blair seems to be already becoming a better trainer just by realizing he needs to take care of Oshawott, and Bianca is still as fun as ever (her curtsying to Juniper for the compliment was a nice touch). I also noticed you took someone's advice about describing Teddiursa more, though you've yet to include more details regarding Ava. Obviously she's going to be playing a decent-sized role, but I imagine it'll be fun when she finally meets up with the three trainers (if they're to be traveling in a group or not) and they battle or get a long or what have you.

    So basically, good chapter. Not many errors and the story itself was very nice. As for the spoiler, I'm guessing Blair finally gets to come face to face with Team Galactic and they seem to be getting to him. Can't wait to find out more. c:
     
  14. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    alabaster daze: unova chronicle

    Author's Note: Some parts of the Plasma speech (Ghetsis and N) are taken directly from the dialogue spoken in "Pokemon White Version". I don't own these words, nor do I own the Pokemon franchise in the first place. Also, I understand the beginning is list-y. I figured it best here, because of the importance of what happens in this chapter in comparison to the plot.

    Chapter 4: The Emancipated Boy's internal struggle with guilt! Is training bad, or am I a bad trainer?


    Accumula Town was little even in the comparison of Nuvema, a place consisting of a few apartment buildings, a couple shops, a Pokemon Center - and that was it. Very little else was noteworthy about the place, but today was the exception. Today, Cheren and Blair stood side-by-side, staring up onto the small hill at the sight before them alongside the crowd surrounding them.

    Man after man stood there, side-by-side, close together in military-like stance. Their eyes were focused onto the ground, each one gleaming with excitement. They wore odd gray tops, black leathery pants, a white cape-like structure draped across them decorated with what appeared to be a coat of arms on them. Some had hoods up on their heads, while others had their buzzed haircuts exposed to the wind.

    But the real sight was in front of these men. Another man with long, unkempt green hair flowing down to the crown-like (or, possibly a castle's top, neither Cheren or Blair could really tell) garment on his shoulders. On his right eye a red screen of what appeared to be glass cased in a white plastic rested. He wore a large robe, halved in two different appearances: one side as a dim yellow, decorated with a mass of purple streaks and a purple eye. The other side was the inverse, being a dark purple decorated with a mass of yellow streaks and a dim yellow eye.

    On either side of the hill, two flags rested. They were a blown up version of the coat of arms on the cape-like garments that the majority of the men wore, blue background with a P in the center, a Z behind it.

    The man at the front began to speak, stepping to the right a few paces. He looked out at the crowd, smiled softly then nodded toward them. "Hello, people of Accumula Town. I understand that seeing such a sight might be strange for you. I assure you, you need not fear us. We are the Plasma Gang, also known as Team Plasma."

    Blair scoffed. "Those pro-Pokeliberation freaks?"

    Cheren nodded, but shushed him.

    "I'm sure you have heard of us if you pay attention to the news. They call us freaks. They call us morons. They call us the most controversial thing since the invention of the Pokeball itself. The only one of those which is true is the last. We are controversial, and we are proud to be so - right, men?"

    The men all shouted out the same answer. "Yes, Ghetsis, sir!"

    "As these men have told you, my name is Ghetsis. Ghetsis Harmonia. The reason I am here today is to give you all a short lesson on our beliefs, to set the record straight from the lies of the modern media. We follow the philosophy of Pokeliberation. An idea that has been around since the invention of the Pokeball itself!"

    Ghetsis turned to the left again, moving a few paces forward.

    Blair folded his arms over his chest, shifting uncomfortably.

    "Tell me. It is a belief by all but the 'crazies', the 'wackos', the 'loonies', that Pokemon and humans are direct equals. That they are friends, pals who fight alongside each other and bond. Right?"

    A few voices piped out of the crowd around them, and Blair shouted out his agreement as well. Cheren remained silent.

    "We fight alongside Pokemon for our own purpose, under the guise of partnership. We work them to the bone, and for what? An imprisonment, at the end of the day? Pokemon are creatures who have unlimited potential. But alongside human beings, they will never truly prosper. Ponder this, folks."

    The crowd fell silent. Blair felt a blush fall over his face. Ghetsis finally moved back to where he originally stood, turned to face the crowd fully, and brought his arms outward.

    "We obsess over things as human beings. We see things that we do not fully understand, and we strive to gain the knowledge that we do not have. Pokemon are creatures that we do not truly understand: and we strive for knowledge on them. We, as human beings, are selfish! Do we not realize how this feels? To be worked to the bone, to be studied like rabid diseases, to receive a false sense of friendship, of partnership? We, as ambassadors to the oppressed, must release our Pokemon! We, as the people who always spout nonsense of searching for justice, need to grow senses of it! We must free our 'pals', our 'buddies', our 'good friends', to truly live among side them as equals!"

    Ghetsis let his arms fall to his side and nodded toward the crowd one more time. "And that, my friends, is the conclusion of my speech. I implore you, I am not blaming you. You were raised in a world like this. It is not your fault that you believe what you do. But please think it over: please do the right thing. Thank you for your time."

    Two of the robed men rushed over to either side of the hill, pulled up the flags and drew them into compacted forms. One man rushed off, while the other stood where they where with the flag bundled in their arms. The men moved into an odd formation, the men with the flags on the north and south sides of Ghetsis, while the other men stood at their left and right. They moved off, and soon slipped out of sight.

    Blair stood there, frozen in place. The odd man, Ghetsis, spoke some words of truth. Had he not, just hours before, spoke about how he would tame Oshawott? Like a "real trainer"? The crowd's conversation around him was dim, barely heard. He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out Oshawott's Pokeball. He stared at the sphere with wider ones; his eyes were wide with thought, his brain working to the point of where he thought they would pop out of their sockets.

    The crowd dispersed, somewhere in that mix, Cheren's words meeting his ears - but he didn't hear them. He broke out of his trance only as Cheren touched him and the shoulder, pointing toward the only other remaining person.

    He was a man of relatively average height, wearing a baseball cap atop his long green hair (oddly similar to the man called Ghetsis, Blair thought), with a white jacket covering his black shirt visible through its collar. An odd rubix-like cube structure hung from his belt. He looked toward Blair, his sky-blue eyes flashing with confusion. He nodded toward him.

    "...Your Pokemon," he said. "He says odd things. He appears to be conflicted - he can sense your struggle."

    Cheren butted in. "Pokemon? Speaking? Okayyy... "

    "Yes, they're talking. The two of you can't hear it then... how sad..."

    "...Right. Uhm, hi, my name is Cheren Phelps."

    Blair stared back down to Oshawott's Pokeball for a moment, then looked back up. "Blair Lindsey."

    The man nodded. "You may call me N. I am a trainer, but I too conflict over the decency."

    "We're trying to complete the Pokedex, as asked of us. But I, at least, plan on challenging the gym circuit as well. How about you... uhm, N?"

    N shut his eyes and shook his head disapprovingly. "So you plan to confine so many Pokemon to those little Pokeballs. Are Pokemon really happy that way?"

    Cheren smirked confidently. "Pokemon and humans need each other."

    N looked at Cheren, regarded him with indifference, then turned back to Blair. "Are we really making our Pokemon happy... Blair, was it? Let me hear more of your Pokemon's voice! Let us see just what your Pokemon and mine think of us!" He fell to a single knee, placing fingers against a set of pursed lips, then whistled in a slow, melodic tune.

    Seconds later, a nearby bush began to rustle. A purple figure burst out from it, looked toward N and nodded to him. The creature now stood in front of him, on its hind legs. It wore a smug grin, its tail waving behind it. It raised one of its pink eyelids.

    "Shall we go, Purrloin?" N asked. "I want you to show me just what you think! Give me your exact opinion in your actions!"

    Blair looked at Oshawott's Pokeball, nodding slowly. He pressed the silver release switch, feeling the Pokeball expand in his hand. A flash of white light emitted from the opened ball, hitting the ground and materializing into Oshawott. Blair knelt in front of his Pokemon, extending a hand to him again. He suffered through another bite, taking it with pride.

    "Okay, Oshawott. I want you to tell me something. You don't have to say a word. Just tell me through your actions. Give me your exact opinion. Do you hate me? Or do you hate being cooped up in that little ball? I'll trust N here to tell me just what you think. Now please show me in this battle. We'll be fighting Purrloin."

    "...Wott," Oshawott responded. He turned to face the opposing Pokemon, removed the schalchop from his belly, and stuck out in front of him. "Wott!"

    "Your Pokemon," N mused, "is saying that it is willing to fight. Not for you, but because... 'That purple thing's face makes my eyes hurt'. How amusing."

    "Loin! Purr..." Purrloin responded, sounding quite hurt.

    "That's enough of this nonsense! Purrloin, shall we fight?"

    "Purrr!"

    "I'll put my faith in you, then. Do as you wish." N stepped back, setting the stage for Purrloin.

    Blair shut his eyes, letting loose a thin sigh. "Alright, Oshawott! Let's start this off with a simple Tackle!"

    N scoffed at this, but said nothing further. Oshawott stopped, reattached its schalchop (glaring at Blair for it) then ran forward, his shoulder pressed in Purrloin's direction. Purrloin moved out of the way of the attack with a simple leap, sending Oshawott crashing. The cat-like Pokemon then turned around and dashed toward the downed otter, slipping its claws across Oshawott's back. Oshawott cried out in pain.

    Blair flinched. "Alright, Oshawott! C'mon, get up, and let's douse it with a Water Gun!"

    Oshawott leaped back up to his feet, turning toward Purrloin and rushing in its direction. He skidded to a stop in front of it, grabbed it with its stubby arms and placed their faces close together. He opened his mouth and a high-pressure blast of water burst out, totally soaking Purrloin. Oshawott jumped back, then fell on his back, laughing wildly.

    "Wott! Osha, sha, sha, Osha! WOTT!"

    "...Your Pokemon says, 'Problem fixed'," N muttered.

    Purrloin sat there for a moment, its hair clinging to its body. It looked like a drowned rat, water dripping from its fur, creating a small puddle around it. Suddenly, it pulled itself back up onto its hind legs and ran toward Oshawott, turning itself around and slapping him with its tail. Oshawott let out a cry of surprise, trying to grab for the furiously flailing tail. This was found to be a mistake. Purrloin's tail was now glowing a dark gray and quickly dimming; within seconds, it was now black. He slipped it across Oshawott's chest, and Oshawott screamed.

    Blair's heart broke right in two at the sound. This was the sound of true pain: not something from a scratch, or a little bump or bruise. This was a true, tortured wail. Oshawott fell back onto the ground, immediately unconscious.

    N nodded toward Purrloin. "That was unnecessary. But thank you. You may go now." With those words, Purrloin darted off into the bushes again. N walked toward Oshawott, glancing at the puddle of blood coagulating beneath him. He sighed. "Pokemon battles do things like this. They hurt an innocent Pokemon to the point where blood is drawn. It is not a life-threatening wound, thank the Goddesses, but it is certainly a nasty one." He fell to a single knee, placing his hand on the wound. Oshawott cringed, but as N began to whisper something, some sort of inaudible and unintelligible language, the wound began to emit a sizzling sound. It was closing up, much to Blair and Cheren's amazement.

    Within ten seconds of this, Oshawott was perfectly healthy, looking like he was taking little more than an innocent nap. Blair extended his hand, Pokeball in it, thumb on the center switch. A red burst of light flashed forward, taking in Oshawott.

    N looked at Blair. "Your Pokemon's emotions are conflicted. He does not know what he wants. On one hand, he believes you to be a, quote unquote, 'Pompous looking jerkface'. On the other hand, he can sense your kind intentions. It is those kind intentions that will prevent me from plain out thieving you of him. But think about it, Blair. Do we really make our Pokemon happy? Do we really give them the best services we can, such wonderful creatures, by imprisoning them and making them fight? My goal is to make a separate world for Pokemon and humans each. We do not deserve the same world. Not with people who abuse their Pokemon, people who treat them like vermin. Think about it, Blair."

    Blair looked at the tiny sphere in his hand with wider ones. Was this strange man right? Oshawott did seem to hate him. If he had really sensed his 'kind intentions', then he did not believe them - for he still seemed to hate Blair. Was it because he was a bad trainer? Or was it because training was bad? He needed time to think it over. He felt the tears slowly tear at him from the inside, rising up. He pocketed Oshawott's ball and dashed out into the distance. Before he left, he heard this man's cries one more time.

    "Think about it, Blair! Think about it!"
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2011
  15. BWfan

    BWfan Well-Known Member

    Hello IanDonyer,

    I liked your story a lot. Those incredible twists were really just... incredible!

    However, there's one problem I'd like to mention in the story-

    In the end of Pokemon Black/White, after you defeat Ghetsis, N mentions that he was unsure of his decision to change the world and wanted to fight you to see who was right because... your pokemon's told him in their first meeting that he liked being with you, in his pokeball.

    This conflicts with what you've typed in the story, now I'm sure you'd probably pull another plot twist here. Could N be lying actually? I don't know, I'm just curious as to how you'd handle this in the end. ;)
     
  16. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Muchos Gracias! I'm glad you like the story, and thanks for taking the time to drop in your concerns!
     
  17. BWfan

    BWfan Well-Known Member

    True, I was just thinking since you were going with the story, you'd find some nice adaptation here. Oh well, I'm looking forward to your next chapter. :)
     
  18. NinjaScepSneasel

    NinjaScepSneasel Reviewer and writer

    Ah! Two chapters! Double review! Lets go!

    So, the first bit. Once again, the great IanDonyer takes things exactly from the game and turns them magical. It was an entertaining way to do something that other writers could make boring - a first step on a new route. I certainly couldn't do it any better.
    LOL, sorry, but I thought this was a bit of a fail at comedy. No offense, but it did just seem like a lame attempt at humour, which is a bit off from your usual humour.

    Anyway, Ava catching Pidove. I don't know, it felt a bit funny. It didn;t have quite the same magic as the other parts. Maybe it's ava, I do feel she lacks character a bit. She's just a commoner.Anywho, I loved Balirs final speeches :) mastery.

    And now the second bit. I reconned personly that the town needed more description. But I loved the way you did the team plasma and N bit. Once again, mastery.

    QUOTE]'That purple thing's face makes my eyes hurt'. How amusing."[[/QUOTE]
    Pahaa! Oshawott rules!

    anyway, keep up the good work :) I also noticed all your one shots you keep on doing. Man, you have a lot of time to write :)
     
  19. EonMaster One

    EonMaster One saeculum harmonia

    Another day, another review...

    I'm back. :)

    "Alabaster Daze", huh? Somehow, it works - perhaps even better than I anticipated. I don't think I've ever read anything called 'Alabaster Daze', and that's a good thing.

    Now, onto specifics (i.e., the chapter) - well, wait, I'm getting ahead of myself.

    The vast majority of authors' chaptered stories I've seen - let's say, erm...about 98% of them - have chapter numbers, if not numbers and names for the chapters. It's not a terrible problem now, but if you carry this thing out anywhere close to its conclusion, you'll probably have at least a couple dozen chapters, especially because yours seem to be comparatively short.

    Even if it's no titles and just 'Chapter One' or something like that. But I know someone as creative as yourself could think of some pretty crafty names for chapter titles. Maybe that's the reason that the lack of them bothers me a bit.

    Technically, I caught sight of a couple of issues that might affect readability. Like this one in chapter 3:

    Seeing as you got it everywhere else, I'm pretty sure your intent was for Mincinno to be female. This mistake's easy to do at times because all you'd have to do is miss one letter. I've done it myself more times than I care to count. Don't beat yourself up over it - just pay attention.


    Whew...where do I start here? Maybe a bit of good news - the first sentence works. The second one is a fragment with a parenthetical statement in a very awkward place. I might have done something like:

    "This sight was a man with long, unkempt green hair flowing down to a garment on his shoulders that either looked like a crown or the top of a castle - neither Cheren nor Blair could really tell."

    It might have been easier to split the hair and the garment into two sentences. Even I found that hard as hell to put together. Then there's the third sentence. Grammatically, it's not wrong, per se, but most human eyes and brains aren't used to it being phrased quite like that.

    "On his right eye rested a red screen..." probably would have been a bit better.

    The fourth sentence might be better as two sentences and rephrased, first describing the large robe, and then describing how it's split down the middle - maybe a note about how it looked like two garments sewn together or (given Blair's sarcastic tone about things) how it looked like there had been a horrible mix-up at Ghetsis' tailor.


    Those things just sort of popped out to me, but on that note, I thought your descriptions, while not always the most mechanically sound, were drastically improved over your first two chapters. To break up the monotony of " 'Blah, blah, blah', said X" and "X did Y to Z" - and to keep the mental images of characters fresh in your readers' mind - I'd file away a couple of descriptors and use them almost like pronouns. Here's an example.

    "Use Water Gun, Oshawott!" Blair yelled, tipping his cap downward on his brown-haired head. (A reader that might not have seen your initial description of Blair - or even hadn't seen in it a while - will go, 'okay, Blair's a brown-haired boy and wears a cap.')

    "O-sha....WOTT!" the blue sea otter creature squealed, leaping into the air before expelling a forceful jet of foam from within himself. (That would not only give spice to your battles - which you do a pretty good job of already, I might add - but it'd ring a bell with the audience as to what Oshawott looks like, at least roughly.)

    Just a tip to help you go from good to great, because I know you've got it in you. :)

    Once again, I found myself laughing hard at some of the bits of humor you stuck in. Blair's snarking, even in his internal monologues, really kind of strikes a chord and makes him that much more like one of us, so to speak. I think you've heard this before, but I was personally a bit more mixed on Juniper's little bit in Chapter 3. (Would you know where Chapter 3 was if you had 25+ chapters? Just my point.) I always thought of Juniper as being potentially prone to having the occasional 'blonde' moment, so I guess it works in that sense, but to most people it might have felt like you were trying just a little bit too hard. Other than that, though, had its moment of gut-busting goodness.


    Lastly...Ava, Ava, Ava. *sigh*. I'm getting something, but I need something a bit more. Four chapters in and I've got "she's an eager trainer that came to Unova presumably because she wanted to find out something about her immigrant father's roots. She's a bit hyper and maybe a little accident-prone, and her only Pokemon (up until she caught Ruby, BTW) is her loyal Teddiursa, whom she affectionately calls 'Ted'." Truth be told...that's not bad, really. It's just that, frankly, what you're doing with Blair and N and company just makes Ava look so bland. And I still have no good picture of what in the hell she looks like. I will no longer say that Ava's just flat-out boring. She's graduated past that if just barely. But she's got a lot of catching up to do if you don't want me to keep secretly wishing that she would get hit by a bus so that more time would be dedicated to Blair, Bianca, Cheren, and N, who you've done such a good job on so far.

    Some of the things you did with N were such a nice touch. Like the fact that he seems able to summon a Pokemon out of a random bush as opposed to summoning them from Pokeballs. The only thing that bothers me is it creates the image of him having some sort of special, superhuman power that draws wild Pokemon to trust and listen to him without having been captured. Other than that, I think it's a more believable portrayal than what you would find in the games, and that's saying a lot.

    Conversely, I found the original parts of Ghetsis' speech to be a bit lacking in believability - simply because it seemed to me like his language was too contemporary. I always thought of Ghetsis as being somewhat haughty, using a much more flowery speech pattern in an effort to at least sound like more of a philosopher, and because there are so many archaic undertones in Team Plasma's MO. Maybe I could get used to it, but right now, I'm having a bit of a hard time.


    I still think you are doing an excellent job on this story so far. I can't wait to see more because I know you will continue to improve. In fact, I think you might surprise yourself with how much better the end of your story (provided you get that far) will be than the beginning. Just keep writing and keep getting better, but most of all, have fun with it?

    What am I saying? You've got 3 projects active with about half-a-dozen One-shots. You've heard all of that by now, right? :p

    - ;196; EM1
     
  20. D. Scott

    D. Scott Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the review!
     

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