All I Need is a Home

[~*Nobody*~]

All I Need is a Home is dedicated to all the children, and animals that live on the streets. Here’s hoping that they all find a good, loving and caring home. PG.

Prologue ​

“Come on boy!” A young boy said running in front of a Poochyena. The Poochyena’s eyes were a green, his body an odd brown. The paws were a snow white as well as the tail.
The boy, by the looks of it only five, had light brown hair. It was very short, his eyes were a sky blue. He wore a red T-shirt and black shorts.

“Pooch go fetch!” The young boy said throwing a small stick for the Pokemon. The sun was starting to set, as the Poochyena came back holding the stick in his mouth and wagging his tail.

“Dan, time to come inside!” A female voice called to him.
She was a thin female, around the age of 36. She also had light brown hair, it went down to her lower back. She was wearing a long purple dress, it one you would see a stay at home mom wears. Her eyes were a emerald green.

“Coming mom!” Dan yelled back at his mom. “Just one more throw!”

“Ok dear!” His mom yelled back, turning around and going back into the house.
That one last throw turned into a whole hour of playing with Pooch. He had wondered far from his house.

“Oh, it’s getting late. We should head home.” Dan said looking at the silvery glow of the moon. As he headed back he started to see a red glow coming from his house, when he got closer he saw that his house was on fire!

“NO!” Dan yelled with tears running down his cheeks. He saw many water Pokemon trying to put out the massive fire.

“Look, their kid!” One of his neighbors pointed out. Dan was too shocked to react.
No one noticed him though, they were to busy thinking that he and his parents were dead. The one person that had pointed him out soon thought he was seeing things because Dan soon hid himself behind a bush.
After an hour Dan saw two men pulling two bodies out of the house. They placed them in a bag and zipped it up. His parents had died in the fire, Dan was glad that he had not been in the house at the time but wished it had never happened.

“Mom, Dad…” He sobbed from behind the bush. Pooch licked his face, also knowing what pain Dan was having. Dan started to cry even harder.

“We couldn’t find the kid. I guess he died in one of the areas that clasped.” One of the confused fire men said looking at the burnt down house.
“I guess so.” The other one agreed. “Come on Mudkip.”

“MUDKIP!” The Pokemon said ready to go home.

“Why? Why now?” Dan sobbed, he slowly cried himself and Pooch to sleep.
In the morning Dan ran into the forest, now that every one thought he was dead nothing mattered to him.

ooc: That even brought tears to my eyes' as I wrote this. I hope it was good.

 

[flame]

good job pokegirl

 

[Sunkern]

I like your premise, and it will be interesting to see where this goes, but:

-There is dialogue in your prologue. Prologues arent meant to contain dialogue.

-There are several spelling, grammatical and structural mistakes. I would quote them but you should have chance to read through and correct them for yourself. PM me if you'd like me to give examples.

- Your sentence and structure are disjointed and you don't paragraph well.

- Your last sentence is brief and feels rushed, as well as the whole parents dying/him finding his house on fire part. You could easily string that out and write a whole chapter on him finding the house, saying goodbye to his parents, and so on.

- Is he not staying for his parents funeral?

Overall, I think this would do well as the opening of a first chapter, but it isn't prologue material. Your storyline is touching and I enjoyed your descriptive, and portrayal of emotion. I'd like to read more.

Just constructive criticism, please don't think I'm knocking your work at all. Again, if you'd like me to help with anything, just PM me.

-Ben

 

[~*Nobody*~]

They think he died to. THE FUNERAL IS FOR HIM TO!
Alot of prologues I read have dialogue... Well there in books. But this was to short for a chapter so I made it a prologue. He couldn't say goodbye to his parents because by the time he got there they were allready dead. No one paid attention to him because they couldn't be bothered.
And again: THEY THINK DAN IS DEAD!

 

[fire]

Wow that was sad, but good, I like it.

 

[~*Nobody*~]

Ch. 1

Well here it is after so much work here it is:

Chapter one: Tough luck ​

7 years later…

“7 years of living on the street. No one even knows I exist!” Dan complained bitterly, looking at Pooch, who had become a Mightyena.

“Grrr.” Pooch growled, lying on the cold flat stone floor of the cave.
Pooch had the same colors he had as a Poochyena nothing but his body shape really changed.
Dan’s hair had grown longer and gotten darker. His clothes were either stolen or torn ripped and dirty. His sky blue eyes’ no longer glittered with hope and life, they had become filled with fear and anger. They weren’t even sky blue anymore, a slate blue was the color his eyes were now.
Dan’s and Pooch’s personalities had also taken a turn for the worst. Both were snappy and very rude. Pooch was mean and snapped at every one but Dan. Dan was also very mean, doing what ever it takes to get food and clothes.

“Come on Pooch, its time to get you and I some food.” Dan said standing up in his ragged dirty clothes. Dan walked about 5 feet, and then stopped waiting for his loyal friend. Pooch ran up to him and together they started the long path to the store.
On the way there he spotted a girl playing in the yard, the yard Dan had played in the night of his parent’s death.
~Flash Back~

“NO!” Dan yelled with tears running down his cheeks. He saw many water Pokemon trying to put out the massive fire.

“Look, their kid!” One of his neighbors pointed out. Dan was too shocked to react.
No one noticed him though, they were to busy thinking that he and his parents were dead. The one person that had pointed him out soon thought he was seeing things because Dan soon hid himself behind a bush.
After an hour Dan saw two men pulling two bodies out of the house. They placed them in a bag and zipped it up. His parents had died in the fire, Dan was glad that he had not been in the house at the time but wished it had never happened.

~End of Flashback~

“Mom, Dad…” Dan whispered to himself, not realizing that the little girl had gone up to him.

“Big boy, I have seen you run back and forth from that cave. Please tell me where are your parents? Mine would never let me stay in a cave!” The girl said giggling at her last remark, she looked to be about 8 or 9. Dan couldn’t tell. All he knew was that some one was talking to him, it was nerve racking because he had never talked to any one but Officer Jenny since his parents died.
The girl had asked about his parents. This brought a tear to his face, Dan ran back to the cave intent of moving his location. Pooch growled at the girl then ran after Dan.

“We have to move Pooch! And we have to do it now.” Dan said packing every thing he had left into a cloth bad he had stolen a few months earlier. The only thing he had left were some old clothes and a picture of his Mom and Dad he found in the ruble of his old house. The picture was old an ripped but it held the memory of when he was happy.

“Come on Pooch, we can find some where else deeper in… I hope.” Dan whispered the last part to himself.
Pooch barked as Dan went further in.

“What is it Pooch?” Dan said turning his back to the forest so he could see Pooch. A rustle came from behind Dan. A deep growl was heard soon after that.

“Wha?” Dan wasn’t able to finish what he was saying before another Mightyena jumped on Dan, its weight kept him from getting up. The Mightyena bared its fangs a paw on Dan’s neck. It was as if it had killed before and knew just what to do.

“Pooch, help me!” Dan screamed trying not to look at the Mightyena that loomed over his body. The Mightyena growled at Pooch; as if it wanted Pooch to help.
It scratched Dan’s face; blood ran down his cheek slowly. Dan could see that Pooch was considering helping the other Mightyena. Pooch could then have some food; the flesh of Dan would keep him satisfied. Pooch finally lunged at the other Mightyena, getting it off Dan’s chest.
Pooch and the other Mightyena lay on the ground fighting back and forth. In the end Pooch won, but he was covered in blood and had many wounds. Bite marks were all over his legs. A patch of fur on his back left leg was torn off. A horrific battle it was.

“Thank you Pooch, I’m glad you’re still on my side.” Dan said grateful Pooch hadn’t helped the Mightyena kill him. Deciding going further in was a bad idea; Dan went back to his cave.
Dan and Pooch still needed to steal some food, to eat. Hoping that the little girl was gone; Dan headed for the restaurant in town.

“Good, that girl is gone.” Dan muttered bitterly, under his breath. Goldenrod was fairly empty because it was around the time of day people were at work or at the Pokemon School. The other trainers’ that were there though starred at Dan’s appearance. No one was used to seeing such a broken, dirty boy. Blood was still on his face, arms and legs; this startled most people because seeing dried or drying blood on a boy, especially, was startling. If you saw him walking down the street you would be shocked to.
At last he reached the restaurant. There weren’t many people in there, but just enough to make it hard for Dan to get food.

“Oh great, this wont be easy Pooch.” Dan muttered; he knew Pooch had heard him because Pooch was getting ready to burst in and distract every one.

“That’s right Pooch, ready set GO! Dan said giving Pooch the signal. Pooch ran through the door, snarling and growling. Many people screamed, that was unusual for most of the time they just left. But the site that Pooch was covered in blood must have been frightening to them.

“AHHH!! He’s a killer now!” One man screamed running out as fast as possible.

“Good Pooch.” Dan muttered under his breath while he sneaked in to the back.

“Tough luck kid!” A man in a officers outfit said. Dan stopped, where was Officer Jenny, and who was this man blocking his way? These and many other questions rushed through his head. But one thing in his mind played over and over again, GET OUT OF THERE FAST!
~~~~~~~~
Ch.2 under way!

 

[Vertical Bird]

Poor Dan something tells me that Dan is guna be a cop and Pooch is guna die. Anaway good work Pokegril

 

[~*Nobody*~]

I am afraid your wrong about all but one thing. Pooch will die, but Dan wont be a cop. Belive me you will be hyper ventilating by the end.