Silverevilchao
Scythe-Wielding Chao
For a while now I've been writing a Poke'mon Fanfic about a Dratini and her adventures with her trainer. I've read the Advice thread, read the reviews of a few top reviewers, specifically, Dragonfree's and Yami Ryu's reviews, and noticed that most of the problems with fan-fics these days are with complete cliches, uninspired battles, and a lack of description. As usual, I tried to remedy this, but the 5th (and most recent) draft of the first chapter seems to be missing something, writing-wise. I'd like suggestions on how to improve it; here's essentially the most recent draft of the first chapter:
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The moon, its light obscured by the trees, unblinking, gently spread its silver light upon the forest. Contrary to popular belief, the forest at night was anything but quiet. Thanks to the recent rain that passed over during the day, the soil was moist, the air humid, a perfect environment for the forest's many bug and plant residents. Beneath a tree, a Paras, its red, mushroom-adorned body shining brightly in the moonlight, was digging for roots to get nutrition. Up on a branch, a Spinarak, fearsome abdominal pattern and red pincers serving their purpose as a warning to would-be predators, was sitting in its web, waiting for smaller Poke'mon to get caught and tangled in its trap. An Oddish, its dark blue body looking black in the night, wandered around the forest floor, sowing the seeds of its brethren. And, unfortunately, the local predators were also on the prowl again, never hesitant to catch and consume wary or unwary Poke'mon.
The same silvery rays of the moon that caressed the forest were also shining through the dark waters of the lake hidden by the forest. Although one could see nothing beneath its calm surface, the deeper, unseen waters of the lake were teeming with Dratinis, their blue, sleek, limbless bodies darting through the water, fearful to come up to the surface, lest they be captured by the "demons" that the Elder spoke of, the ones that took little overcurious Dratinis, never to be seen again. The limbless dragons lived in water-filled, stalactite-framed caverns that (luckily) had air pockets in a few of the chambers. The largest chamber was the home of the Elder, a Dragonair who was thought by the local Dratini population to know everything about the world and its inhabitants, though some older Dratinis knew differently. The hidden realm of the Dratinis in the Ilex Forest was one with a sky of dirt, roots, and rocks held by aforementioned roots, with the ground being muddy seabed that was constantly thrown up and disturbed by young Dratinis constantly having swimming contests or playing some game that would involve such rigorus swimming.
It was in this realm that the young Dratini that this story is about was born, or rather, hatched, into. Like all newly-hatched Dratinis, she was only around two feet long (how else could they have fit into those tiny eggs?), had far lighter flesh than the mature Dratinis, and began shedding her skin about a day afterwards, like an Ekans or a Dunsparce. Also, like other younglings, she was extremely curious, much to the dislike of both her parents and the Elder. Although she did enjoy playing games consisting mostly of chasing each other around in circles, or chasing schools of Magikarp (they were so funny when they darted away!), most of her free time consisted of eating, sleeping, and spying on the "demons" while they slept at night (apparently, the lake was a popular campsite).
The demons themselves, though they were never described by the Elder other than being extremely tall, vicious, and had voices that could shatter the eardrum, looked freakish. Unlike a Dratini's face, their eyes did not dominate most of their face, nor did their noses, which, instead of being large and spherical, were extremely angular by comparison. Their footsteps shook the ground like the earthquakes that sometimes hit the Honshu Island region, and they had multiple, often brightly colored bodies. She had noticed when spying on a group that the demons did not wish to change bodies in front of others, apparently because of embarassment, if demons could experience such an emotion.
Sadly, she couldn't often convey her findings to other Dratini, even if they gathered around her as if she was the Elder herself, for, being little young ones, after all, would tell their parents out of excitement when they came back to their cavern, which, in turn, would get her a scolding from both her parents and the Elder, followed by a speech on how they would greatly miss her after she would be carried off by the demons. Such long speeches were a punishment in itself, because the time spent rambling on about a subject could be better put to use, such as playing with fellow Dratinis before the sun went down and the waters turn cold.
Everything starts here, on this moonlit light, when the Dratini goes yet again on one of her escapades, this time farther away from the lake...much farther. Gossip and rumors are passed down from Poke'mon species to Poke'mon species, and this specific rumor of a strange structure came mostly from Hoothoots that passed it to Oddishes, who passed that to the occasional floundering Magikarp, who would flop back to the water and spread it like a plague among the others of its kind, and, inadvertently, the Dratinis. Of course, the Elder called it lies in a futile attempt to keep anybody from seeking out the strange thing. As usual, the Elder's word didn't keep her from wondering what it was for, where it was, what it was made of, etc., and she left while everyone else was sleeping.
Shivering, the Dratini searched for any sign of the demons. Finding none, she crawled slowly and (hopefully) soundlessly out of the shallow waters at the lake's edge, and crawled slowly in a random direction, deeper into the forest.
New sounds, smells, and what little she could see assaulted her senses. She had never been this far before.
---
Yeah, I know it stops suddenly, but I'm not done writing it. xD I'd like to figure out how to essentially improve my writing style before I write much more.
So, fire away!
----
The moon, its light obscured by the trees, unblinking, gently spread its silver light upon the forest. Contrary to popular belief, the forest at night was anything but quiet. Thanks to the recent rain that passed over during the day, the soil was moist, the air humid, a perfect environment for the forest's many bug and plant residents. Beneath a tree, a Paras, its red, mushroom-adorned body shining brightly in the moonlight, was digging for roots to get nutrition. Up on a branch, a Spinarak, fearsome abdominal pattern and red pincers serving their purpose as a warning to would-be predators, was sitting in its web, waiting for smaller Poke'mon to get caught and tangled in its trap. An Oddish, its dark blue body looking black in the night, wandered around the forest floor, sowing the seeds of its brethren. And, unfortunately, the local predators were also on the prowl again, never hesitant to catch and consume wary or unwary Poke'mon.
The same silvery rays of the moon that caressed the forest were also shining through the dark waters of the lake hidden by the forest. Although one could see nothing beneath its calm surface, the deeper, unseen waters of the lake were teeming with Dratinis, their blue, sleek, limbless bodies darting through the water, fearful to come up to the surface, lest they be captured by the "demons" that the Elder spoke of, the ones that took little overcurious Dratinis, never to be seen again. The limbless dragons lived in water-filled, stalactite-framed caverns that (luckily) had air pockets in a few of the chambers. The largest chamber was the home of the Elder, a Dragonair who was thought by the local Dratini population to know everything about the world and its inhabitants, though some older Dratinis knew differently. The hidden realm of the Dratinis in the Ilex Forest was one with a sky of dirt, roots, and rocks held by aforementioned roots, with the ground being muddy seabed that was constantly thrown up and disturbed by young Dratinis constantly having swimming contests or playing some game that would involve such rigorus swimming.
It was in this realm that the young Dratini that this story is about was born, or rather, hatched, into. Like all newly-hatched Dratinis, she was only around two feet long (how else could they have fit into those tiny eggs?), had far lighter flesh than the mature Dratinis, and began shedding her skin about a day afterwards, like an Ekans or a Dunsparce. Also, like other younglings, she was extremely curious, much to the dislike of both her parents and the Elder. Although she did enjoy playing games consisting mostly of chasing each other around in circles, or chasing schools of Magikarp (they were so funny when they darted away!), most of her free time consisted of eating, sleeping, and spying on the "demons" while they slept at night (apparently, the lake was a popular campsite).
The demons themselves, though they were never described by the Elder other than being extremely tall, vicious, and had voices that could shatter the eardrum, looked freakish. Unlike a Dratini's face, their eyes did not dominate most of their face, nor did their noses, which, instead of being large and spherical, were extremely angular by comparison. Their footsteps shook the ground like the earthquakes that sometimes hit the Honshu Island region, and they had multiple, often brightly colored bodies. She had noticed when spying on a group that the demons did not wish to change bodies in front of others, apparently because of embarassment, if demons could experience such an emotion.
Sadly, she couldn't often convey her findings to other Dratini, even if they gathered around her as if she was the Elder herself, for, being little young ones, after all, would tell their parents out of excitement when they came back to their cavern, which, in turn, would get her a scolding from both her parents and the Elder, followed by a speech on how they would greatly miss her after she would be carried off by the demons. Such long speeches were a punishment in itself, because the time spent rambling on about a subject could be better put to use, such as playing with fellow Dratinis before the sun went down and the waters turn cold.
Everything starts here, on this moonlit light, when the Dratini goes yet again on one of her escapades, this time farther away from the lake...much farther. Gossip and rumors are passed down from Poke'mon species to Poke'mon species, and this specific rumor of a strange structure came mostly from Hoothoots that passed it to Oddishes, who passed that to the occasional floundering Magikarp, who would flop back to the water and spread it like a plague among the others of its kind, and, inadvertently, the Dratinis. Of course, the Elder called it lies in a futile attempt to keep anybody from seeking out the strange thing. As usual, the Elder's word didn't keep her from wondering what it was for, where it was, what it was made of, etc., and she left while everyone else was sleeping.
Shivering, the Dratini searched for any sign of the demons. Finding none, she crawled slowly and (hopefully) soundlessly out of the shallow waters at the lake's edge, and crawled slowly in a random direction, deeper into the forest.
New sounds, smells, and what little she could see assaulted her senses. She had never been this far before.
---
Yeah, I know it stops suddenly, but I'm not done writing it. xD I'd like to figure out how to essentially improve my writing style before I write much more.
So, fire away!
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