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Ancient and Forever

Discussion in 'Non-Pokémon Stories' started by AmazingChi, Jun 24, 2008.

  1. AmazingChi

    AmazingChi Volcanic Rage

    Ancient and Forever (Working title)
    There will be violence and gore worth PG at least later on, I shall warn you in advance.

    Chapter 1: Journey's Beginning.

    Dawn broke over the Kingdom of Yurmenos, the larks sang with all their heart and all was well in the world. The sun rose above the tree line and the sunbeams strode between the trees. Squirrels scurried here and there and the odd mouse made its way through the maze of trees. The forest was the largest in all the Kingdoms and dubbed the Great Forest by all. A light brown rabbit was casually hopping this way and that, minding it's own business with no care in the world for anything else but it's family. Suddenly, something impacted into the ground just millimetres to the rabbit's right. The rabbit, startled, hopped away into the vast thicket in front of it. The owner of the arrow strode up and collected it for later use. Laram was a tall young man and was considered handsome by the female population. His unruly brown hair getting in his face as be bent down to pick the arrow up. As he straightened up and adjusted his bow onto his back once more, he found himself looking into the face of his friend; Eosar. Laram's dark brown eyes locked with Eosar's sea blue. Eosar wasn't as handsome as Laram, but instead, he was gifted with 'rugged' good looks.

    Eosar was beaming at him, silently mocking Laram's shooting, although in fact Laram was the better of the two of them when it came to hitting the target with an arrow. Eosar was tall compared most people, but was a few inches shorter than Laram. The difference in height was made up in Eosar's strength. Being the son of the towns carpenter and craftsman, he had to do many hours of manual labour and often was sent to chop down tree for wood. As a result, Eosar was very broad shouldered and muscular too. It was an especially chilly day for springtime, so both were wearing their cold weather hunting gear. The pair decided to call it at that and return home with the still substantial haul from that morning's hunt. A strong cold morning breeze howled through the forest, causing Laram's hair to become even more untidy, but hardly ruffled the shorter blonde hair of Eosar.

    They made their way home, laughing and commenting on each others skills, and the occasional quip about girls; the natural young man's chatting topics. The two of them were not far into the forest when they decided to leave, so it did not take them that long to return to world outside the forest. What stood before them now, was the expanse of the farm Laram and his father lived on. The farm was located on the outskirts of Baudorf, a relatively small village that lies in the area next to the forest. Passing fields of wheat and barley, the pair made the way to the storage shed to put down their hunting equipment. The storage shed was located not for from the house and within it was a vast expanse of equipment for all weathers and situation that Laram and his father had collected over the years. Having done that and padlocking the door, Laram and Eosar headed towards the farmhouse. Laram's home was a large farmhouse, made of stone with creeping plants trawling the sides, there was also smoke billowing out of the chimney.

    They reached the house and creaked open the door. The smell of meat cooking greeted them as they entered. The pair placed the rabbits and the odd pheasant they had successfully hunted onto the 'hunt hooks'; as Laram called them; by the entrance and closed the door behind them. They walked round the corner and passed into the kitchen where a pot was boiling on the cooker, Laram peered inside to find that it was rabbit stew. Leaving the ever so tempting aromas behind reluctantly, they entered the dining room. It was a large room, with an equally large round table made of dark wood in it. Laram always wondered why they kept the table, considering it was just the two of them there, and they hardly ever held dinner parties. Around the table there were highbacked wooden chairs that were placed evenly around the circumference. Stood in the doorway between the dining room and living room they could see Laram's Father; Iso; reading a book in a large armchair, blanketed by the warmth of the fire. Iso was about the same height as Laram, but his hair was greying at the temples and tied back into a ponytail. Just like his son, Iso was handsome in his day, and still could be considered so, as age had not affected him much. In the the chair opposite was Adrin, Iso's youngest brother and Laram's uncle. Adrin was only in his early to mid thirties, and was just over ten years younger than his brother. Like Iso and Laram, he was also tall and shared his siblings looks. However, unlike his sibling, his hair was kept at neck length. Adrin had spotted the lads enter the room, Iso was still buried in his book.

    “Hello Laram,” he started. “Eosar! It's good to see you too!” Iso looked up from his reading and welcomed them both with a smile.

    “Good morning, Adrin. How long are you visiting for?” asked Laram. Adrin lived and worked as a blacksmith in the capital but made frequent visits to his brother's farm.

    “Oh, not long this time, I'm afraid,” he replied with a sigh, “I was just delivering some wares to people in the town here but there's a long list of orders that need doing, so I'll have to head back tomorrow.”

    “Fair enough, what have you been up to since we last saw you?” The lads listened to Adrin's tales. Iso had already conversed with his brother earlier, and went to check on the stew. In return, Adrin listened to Laram's side of any adventure that Iso had talked to him about earlier and Laram's own achievements. He also talked with Eosar, expressing interest in going to see his father, being a fellow craftsman. They talked for a while, Iso occasionally interjecting something from the kitchen. Finally, it was time to eat. Iso called the others into the dining room, and dealt out stew to all of them. Laram noted that this was the most people that had been around the table in ages.

    Eventually, after giving everyone else their food, Iso sat down with his and asked, “So, anything interesting happened in the Capital recently?”

    “Not really, I don't get that much time to see if there is though. Although... there was something that I heard about a few days back.” This got the the others' attention.

    “What?” asked Laram, interested.

    “Well, apparently, the archaeologists have unearthed something ancient and are completely puzzled about what it is, which is a first. They tend to give things uses even if they don't know!” Something resonated within the two lads' minds, both suddenly wanted to know more. “If the archaeologists don't know, how would I?” laughed Adrin in reply.

    “Can we go see it?” Laram asked pleadingly to his father. Iso pondered for a while and finally said;

    “Yes, but wait till tomorrow, you can go with Adrin.”

    “Now that I've got no wares on my cart, you can travel in it easily,” Adrin explained. The boys looked eager to go and finished their stew before Iso and Adrin. Both had to wait for the others to finish though, even now was not the time to leave manners behind. As soon as the other two had finished, Eosar said that he had to go get ready and left, but not before Adrin said he'd go with him and talk to his father, about both craftsmanship and the journey. With Adrin and Eosar departed, Laram went to his room and did his own packing. After a short while, his father entered and helped him with the items he would need to take with him. Once packed, Iso left without saying anything, leaving Laram on his own for while. Why he left became apparent when he returned with a sword. His sword. Laram's eyes lit up at the sight of it.

    “There are dangers out there, namely wolves in these parts,” Iso started, “take this, in case you find yourself in need of it.” He passed over the sword and scabbard. Laram studied it intensely, the handle had hard black leather wrapped around it and the hilt had an ornate snake designed into it. The blade itself was quite long for a sword, it was a two handed sword. The scabbard also was made of the same hard black leather, and it too had a snake embedded in the design. Iso spent the rest of the day teaching his son the basic movements with the sword outside, so he was capable of defending himself, should he need to. Laram wondered when his father had become in possession of the sword, and where he learnt to use it. He could also tell his father knew more than he managed to teach before nightfall. Laram retired to his room straight away and fell asleep instantly

    Dawn broke, and Laram hastily gathered his things and wolfed his breakfast down. He left the house to find Adrin rolling up the path in his cart, with Eosar sat in the back with his gear. Adrin pulled the reins and the horses stopped and he hopped out the driver's seat. Adrin and Iso conversed whilst Laram was putting his things in the back with Eosar's. Finally, he clambered up too and sat opposite Eosar. It was time to go, and reality finally hit him.

    He was going on a journey.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2008
  2. Asuran

    Asuran Well-Known Member

    Well, let me be the first to say that you are an okay author. The story itself could happen to be a generic fantasy story, or not. It all depends on how you follow this up.

    Okay, let's start the reviewing:

    Well, your basic grammar is okay. However, you have a few too many punctuation errors.

    Right here is one that stuck out. "...Rabbit; startled; hopped..." should be changed to "...rabbit, startled, hopped..." This happens a few times. Try to find all of them and fix them.

    You used the semi-colon almost correctly. The two sentences, however, are not related enough to merit the use of a semi-colon. Also, for future semi-colon use, remember that the next claus should begin with a lowercase letter.

    These shouldn't be on seperate paragraphs. You should have started a new paragraph with the first sentence. Also, once again, incorrect usage of semi-colons. When starting dialouge it is written with a comma as the break. This same thing happens elsewhere, so hunt it down and kill it.

    "...Others..." should be written, "...others'..."


    The plot seems very basic at the moment; the beginning didn't flesh anything out at all. There really isn't anything to comment on other than the fact that it may turn out to be a generic fantasy story. Namely: "Boy comes from farming village. Boy goes on journey. Boy becomes hero. Hero defeats villain, usually with the help of some magical object." Try to avoid that at all costs.


    Character Development
    Your characters are funny. They connect, they seem like typical teens. Impatient, mocking, girl-crazy. However, you might make them too stereotypical. Start veering from that path. Give them quirks. I mean, really, why not? Perhaps you really have something planned, but it isn't evident as of now.


    You've made your own world fairly well, even of what I've seen now. However, the way you pull it off isn't exactly the best.

    See this, too man wases. You even do it with things other than humans.
    Was is one of those words that most authors should dislike. Use it as a last resort. Try mixing it up; saying things such as, "Laram stood tall for a young man and his handsome face could send girls swooning." Show, don't tell.

    Adverbs. Same as above. I admit I too am an offender of this. Still, that doesn't mean you should be.


    Overall, the story seems generic, but it has the workings of a masterpiece. I would love to see you progress.

  3. AmazingChi

    AmazingChi Volcanic Rage


    Chapter Two: Dreams and Revelations

    “It's getting dark now, but I think we'll reach the town before the sun falls completely,” Adrin announced positively. The setting sun cast long shadows upon the ground. Just half an hour later the large agricultural town of Weisenstatt rolled into view. Adrin was correct, Laram thought to himself. He pushed himself up to get a better view but the diminishing light prevent him from taking in anything but the nearest buildings. The cart and it's passengers trundled between rows of small stone houses on the outskirts, winding it's way into the centre. Adrin was searching for a suitable inn to stay the night, Laram was just trying not to fall asleep, he could see his friend struggling to maintain an awake state too. Eventually Adrin found one with enough room to park his cart next to it. The lads wearily hopped out the back of the cart with their items and landed on the straw covered ground. The sign emblazoned with a man in a long coat walking away creaked with the flow of the wind. Adrin pushed open the large wooden door and the two tired travellers followed him in.

    “Welcome to The Lone Wanderer!” The rotund balding innkeeper greeted with great enthusiasm, “What can I do for you?”

    “Well, I think just the one room would be fine, do you have three spare beds for the night?” Adrin asked

    “Yes, yes, yes, we always have room for guests!” he replied, with the same enthusiasm. Is always this cheerful? Laram thought to himself, “Follow my lad here upstairs, he will show you your rooms.” The three of them proceeded to follow the innkeeper's son, who, in contrast to his father was quite thin. The guide led Laram and the others to the door at the end of the corridor and told them that was their room. As soon as Laram opened the door, the innkeeper's son left them to it and returned downstairs. Their room didn't smell particularly bad nor good and the lighting was acceptable too. Aligned as one on each side; left, back and right, were the beds. Laram shuffled over the the one of the left and collapsed onto it. It had a lot of give in it, a little bit too much to what he was used to, but comfortable enough to sleep in for a night. Laram heard the same noise from across the room where Eosar had gone through that exact same process with his bed. Turning his head to the still standing figure of Adrin took a lot of effort, it was getting late and all the excitement of the day had worn him out.

    “You two look completely shattered, so I'll leave you to get to sleep. I'll just go speak to the innkeeper about breakfast and payment,” notified Adrin as he walked back out the room and closed the door carefully behind him. As soon as he had gone, Laram pulled the covers up and in an instant, fell asleep. He dreamt of his mother, as usual, but then another dream came, one entirely different. He was standing in an extremely muddy field, the ground saturated with water. He stumbled forwards, the bog like conditions made movement nigh on impossible. Suddenly in front of him, the dark sky exploded into bright light. When the light faded, he was no longer in that dark field. Now, surrounding him was a tall sloped stone building and in it were thousands of people cheering. Looking down, he saw he was wielding a sword and shield. A terrible roar filled the atmosphere, he jerked his head upwards to look for the source found the scene had changed yet again, The ground was once more, wet and boggy, but this time he was stood in a horizontal line of other people, they were all preparing to fire from their bows, he looked back to himself and was surprised to see he too, was in possession of a longbow, the other archers fired and the air was filled with the noise of hundreds upon hundreds of bowstrings snapping back as the arrows left the bows. Standing there, he watched the arrows in flight and something seemed not quite right. There more arrows than had been fired. Hastily, he looked to see another army upon another hill in the distance. Those extra arrows were heading for him! He glanced back to the sky just to see an arrow just inches from his face. He jerked upright in his bed, forehead drenched with sweat. Eventually, he fell asleep this time and this time his slumber was dreamless.

    The next morning, he woke to find Adrin standing over him, “Wake up! We've got to get going if we're going to make it to the capital by tonight.” Laram mumbled an incomprehensible response as Adrin left the room and practically fell out of bed. However, he managed to gather himself before a painful encounter with the wooden floor occurred. Through tired eyes, he couldn't make out a figure in the other bed. Eosar must have already had the pleasure of waking up. After unscrewing the cap off his water flask, he poured some out and washed his face, he felt a little bit refreshed but at least now could walk straight. Downstairs, the innkeeper smiled and waved to him, so he smiled and waved back. Passing through the common room to leave, he caught the end of a tale about an old legend,

    “... they say even when his own daughter was killed right in front of him, he refused to avenge her death and spared the life of her killer. It was this act that brought her back to life...”

    How appropriate, Laram thought as he stepped over the threshold, this inn is named after the legend that tale belongs to. He could see Adrin and Eosar packing everything up onto the cart. Laram approached the cart, and Adrin looked up,

    “Ah! Finally, come on,” he started, “Put your things in the back and we can go.” After passing his luggage to his friend, who was already sat in the back, he jumped onto the cart once again. “Ready?” Adrin called from the front, the lads muttered affirmations and the cart sprung into action, Adrin keeping the reins in as much as he could, it was a reasonably busy town after all, speed isn't the safest option in those circumstances. Laram was taking in the views of the town, as it was the first time he'd seen them in the daylight. Trundling out the western gate, something caught his eye. There was someone in the shadows of an alley looking right at him, but then he was distracted when the cart lurched suddenly, “Sorry! Didn't see that pothole,” shouted Adrin apologetically. Laram snapped his focus back to where he thought he had seen that person, but alley now seemed empty and they were too far from it now to see it clearly anyway.

    “Anything the matter?” Eosar asked, concerned.

    “I thought I saw something, someone,” he replied, “never mind”. I swear there was someone there though. After that, the journey went without out a hitch. The three of them played visual games, laughing and joking all the way, although Laram was plagued by thoughts about the mysterious man in the shadows. They made good progress and the capital of Yurmenos gradually came into sight whilst the sun was still high in the sky. Massive stone walls greeted them as they rode nearer.

    “We are just a few minutes away now,” Adrin announced. A few minutes laters Laram heard Adrin shout, “Afternoon Graal!” Graal is presumably him, he thought as he passed the guard who was still waving at them, so he nodded and waved back. Then Adrin shouted again, this time to them, “Welcome to Durlinn!”

    The trip from the West Gate to Adrin's house did not take long, he lived in the Crafting Quarter's Outer Ring, whereas the blacksmiths in which he worked was on the Inner Ring. Durlinn was made up of three main circular bodies: The Outer Ring, which accommodated the city's population; The Inner Ring, where all business would be found and the Royal Circle, in the centre, where the Queen resided. The whole city was built on a hill, with the Palace at the top. Also, the city was spilt into quarters: Crafting Quarter in the south-west; north west belonged to the Farming Quarter; in the north-east one would find the Medical Quarter and finally the Historical Quarter, where the ancient artefact would be located. Outside Adrin's home, Laram leapt off the back of the cart eager to explore, shortly followed by Eosar, his eyes also spoke of his eagerness too. Adrin clearly noticed this, so when he approached the two of them he allowed them to go off on their own and he would take their things inside. He also gave them a bit of money and a short list of items he needed in return. Laram ran off, tailed by his friend, neither in their haste noticed the arrival of a hooded figure that came through the West Gate.

    “Where are we going?” Laram asked, once he realised they were running with no destination in mind.
    “I have no idea,” replied Eosar, just as clueless as he was, “Historical Quarter is where they'll keep that artefact, most likely.”

    “Right, it appears we were heading that way anyway,” Laram noted, pointing at a sign reading: 'Historical Quarter'. “Actually, we do not know where it is within the Quarter do we?” The two of them paused to think for a moment, “I'm sure we'll find, I mean it sounds like it caused a commotion,” he continued, answering his own question. They wandered, seemingly aimlessly, but soon found themselves confronted by a large wooden gate with 'Viewing Square' on it, there was also a sign. “Darn, appears that the Square is only open in the morning to visitors,” he observed. Pulling out Adrin's list, he said, “Might as well get these then.”

    It was reasonably late by the time they had located all the items and then found Adrin's house on their own. Laram had to put down a large iron rod down just to knock on the door. The door opened almost instantly revealing the figure of Adrin.

    “Ah, there you two are, I went looking for you about an hour ago, but couldn't find you,” he said, “here, let me take some of those of you,” and then proceeded to remove some of the logs that Eosar was carrying. Adrin went over to his fireplace and put the logs down next to it, Eosar followed and placed his with the rest of the pile. The three of them just stood there for a while, then Adrin said, “Get a fire going please, I'll go make us up some soup.” Not long after Laram was sat in one of Adrin's comfortable chairs sipping a boiling bowl of soup in front of a roaring fire. Eventually, the soup cooled down enough and he finished it. The cosy feeling had made him feel quite sleepy, so he made his excuses and headed to bed. Adrin told him it was the first right upstairs. Once undressed down to his underclothes he pulled himself into bed and feel asleep into instant deep sleep. Night passed and gradually he progressed into light slip, where a dream caught him. He was sat in some kind of metal vessel, he realised there were other members in there with him. They wore round metal helmets on their heads. Something on one of the men's waist caught his attention, it was angular and was bent so it was perpendicular to itself. He glanced up to look at the owner's face, and found it looked oddly familiar. He was just about to worked out where he had seen his person before when suddenly the whole craft shook. Loud persistent noised blared out. He had not bothered to attempt to look outside the vessel. When he did, he wished he had not, he found sandy ground beneath him, but the vessel was somehow above it. However, the craft was spiralling downwards and the sand was getting dangerously closer. He vessel hit the ground and Laram's eyes snapped open. He looked around the room to find it was morning. Eosar was sat on his bed putting his boots on.

    “Ah, you're awake, good,” he said, “we were about to visit that artefact, now that the Square should be open.” He had laced his second boot, and left the room. With surprising enthusiasm, Laram put on his own clothes and raced downstairs. He gulped down the reheated leftover soup for breakfast, over the table he noticed Eosar was drinking his just as fast. Once finished, he looked and grinned madly at Laram. I'm not the only one excited then, he thought. Adrin announced that he might as well come with them as he didn't have to go to work until the next day. They walked round the Outer Ring into the Historical Quarter, where they passed into the Inner Ring. Had Laram not been restraining himself, he would have been jumping up and down like a spring lamb. Why am I so eager? They had reached the Viewing Square, Laram bustled his way to the front of the crowd that circled the artefact, Eosar on his right.

    He pushed his way between the final two people in front of him to get a look at the ancient item.

    He jerked back in surprise.

    He knew what it was.

    It's a gun.
    Last edited: Jul 8, 2008
  4. .:Faithless:.

    .:Faithless:. .:~Silent Strength~:

    This is going to be good, I can tell. Keep writing, Chi!

    Just a few suggestions (sorry I have to do this but posts have to be constructive)
    For the last line, you used past tense with "was", and then you use "it's" for present tense. "It was a gun" might make more sense? :S

    Also when people speak, you use quite a bit of commas making it hard to read the whole sentence in one go. Try breaking them down a bit. ;)

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