Annihilation: Ruins of the World [PG-13]

[Cacaruka]

Hello! 'Ruka signing in!
Well, this is my first time posting a fanfic right here-I hope it meets your standards...
...and I hope the prologue is good enough. Tell me if anything needs fixing!
Also, I still think 'a wisp of wind' is too...iffy. D: I've been trying to find a better description for it, but I think I might need a bit of help...D:

(This fic is rated PG-13 for violence and some disturbing imagery, as well as swearing.)

Prologue: The God's Decree​

The Legendaries gathered at the summit of Mount Coronet, whispering among themselves as they waited for the one who had summoned them here to come.
"The God will finally show itself." "What does it want us for?" "I don't know. Do you?"

And in a flash of light, the God appeared, startling all present out of their current conversations. "Hear me."
The Legendary Pokemon were attentive, all except Mew, gliding serenely around the area where all others were still as stone. "We dream of a perfect world, a world that is wild and free. Yet, there is but one obstacle in our way....and do you know what that is?"
Silence. Nobody dared answer. "Very well! This obstacle...is humanity! Each and every day, more and more of our planet is being taken over by these beings! They are inferior, inferior to the wild power we embody, and yet we do not dare crush them! Fools! Do you not see what is happening around you?"

"They destroy nature with machines, replacing soft forest with hard steel! Our kind are being decimated, driven out of their homes as they are cleared away to make room for human structures!" Now, all raised their voices in a cry of 'Yes!', except the pink cat floating dreamily around. "But if we merely try to crush them with our power, they will survive! Some will escape, breed, and the whole cycle will start again!"
There was a murderous gleam in the God's eye as it approached the end of its speech. "Our kind are enslaved by humans! No longer wild, they are trapped within the confines of four walls, imprisoned in tiny spheres and forced to battle for the humans' enjoyment! Thus, my decree is..."

Every creature present unconsciously held their breath. The rocky summit was silent, and not even the slightest wisp of wind disturbed the scene. "....that humanity must be wiped out! All Pokemon are to rally to our cause, and end the humans' tyranny once and for all!"
The combined cry of all that agreed shook the mountain to its core, and excited muttering sprang up all around, until the little pink Pokemon suddenly spoke.

"But what of the Pokemon with trainers?" she said quietly. The God trained an eye on her. "Kill them, along with their precious humans," it rumbled menacingly. "If we cannot turn them to the cause, then they must die." He turned to the Legendaries again. "Thirty days! Thirty days!" it roared. "And on the thirtieth day, humanity will cease to be!" As enthusiastic murmuring and fervent discussion sprang up among the legendaries once again, Mew flew away across the mountain range, her heart heavy as she saw land-bound wild Pokemon of all kinds embark on a relentless march towards the populated cities.

"You may achieve your goal, but thousands of our kindred will die," she murmured. "Why? Why?" She turned her face towards the sun-only to find that it, too, was hidden from sight behind the massive flocks of airborne Pokemon flooding across the dawning sky. "I cannot stop you, but perhaps there are ones who can..." she breathed, and flew south, towards Kanto and Johto.

It is said for every living thing that dies, a star appears in the sky. Perhaps...
....perhaps there shall be thousands of stars by the time this is over.

As Mew dwindled to a tiny pink speck in the horizon, something in the darkness shifted, and a blue eye gleamed like a precious sapphire in the dark shadow of the cliff-face. A clawed hand fingered red beads, and then the creature spoke. "The false god...." the spectre breathed. "Its time comes to an end. No longer shall the False One spread hate and lies." It looked upwards to the wavering patch of haze above and spoke, seemingly, to no-one.

"The true god will be freed. This I know, because I have seen it prophecied." The shimmering air seemed to move a little in response. "Yes, I know. They may be vapid fools, but one thing I have always found is that their prophecies are always right."

Enjoy the prologue!

 

[TurtwigFan1]

Wow.

This story sounds like it's going to be great!

I love that Mew is being rebellious!

9.5/10!

 

[Cacaruka]

TurtwigFan1: Yes, Mew is being rebellious....but not in the way you might expect. >>;; but I'm not going to give away too much yet.

 

[Cacaruka]

Chapter One: Burning Beacons

CHAPTER ONE: Burning Beacons​

"...ashes to ashes, dust to dust.."
It was a boring funeral, and to top it all off, it was a grey, gloomy day. The redheaded man sat in one of the pews furthest from the altar, only half paying attention to the priest's speech as the old man droned on and on.

He didn't even know this person; apparently he was supposed to, but he had been far too busy tying up the loose ends that the Groudon and Kyogre fiasco had left to know that some distant relative that had visited him once in his distant childhood had recently died of some accident or other.

His ever-vigilant Mightyena whined softly and pressed its nose into his palm, nudging a few times. The message that the Pokemon was trying to convey was all too clear: can we go yet?
"Not yet," he murmured softly, stroking the dog-like creature's glossy black mane. "Not yet."

"....we mourn his passing...."
I certainly don't.
The Team Magma leader crossed his arms, frowning. He hadn't had time to get changed into anything halfway presentable for a funeral when he'd gotten the call; he was still dressed in his uniform, and his Pokeballs neatly stored away in a special armguard clamped to his right arm, like they always were when he was doing field work.
His outfit had already earned him several snide comments and odd looks, despite it being common fact that Team Magma were no longer performing illegal operations.

".....he was a good man..."
Maxie was hardly paying attention by now.
Why did we have to come here to have his funeral anyway? Hoenn's not good enough, I presume?
The church he was currently sitting in was situated in Lavender Town. True to its name, the whole town was literally painted purple-giving rise to a whole new meaning of 'paint the town red'-and the pungent stench-there was no other word for it-of lavender hung in the air.

He surpressed the urge to release his Camerupt and start burning everything in sight until the whole area was purged of the smell and duly noted that the procession was about to move out. He also noticed that his Mightyena was bristling and growling, its attentions directed towards the entrance of the church. "Hey, what is it? Something wrong?" There was no response from the normally attentive Pokemon, except more growling. Maxie sighed and ruffled the wolf-like creature’s coat. "C’mon. I know you think it’s boring, but it’s going to be over pretty soon."

The Mightyena whined softly, tugging on its master’s sleeve-something it did only when anxious. Something was obviously wrong here.
Its trainer scanned the church, but saw nobody. "Just settle down. What is it?" The dog-like Pokemon whined, pointing its muzzle towards the church doors, and then to a window nearby. It was open to let in the breeze, as it was stifling in the old building.

"You want to get out?" The Pokemon nodded vigorously, with a hint of fear in its eyes. "Why?" The Mightyena simply whined some more and repeated the motions again. Maxie sighed and got up, being treated to several glares by people sitting in various pews. "Okay, okay....come o-"

Thump. Thump. Thump.

There was something hammering at the church doors. Maxie's Mightyena tugged at his sleeve, trying to lead him towards the open window, but the aforementioned trainer could only stare, wondering what would be making that sort of noise. Everyone else turned to see what was interrupting the service.

Thump. Thump.

The grey-furred Pokemon started forcibly pushing Maxie towards the window, whining loudly now. The doors shuddered under the pressure of whatever was beating on them. The wood creaked and groaned, and started to splinter in places. Some of the other people were standing up and moving towards the doors, ready to tackle whatever was behind them. Hands moved towards Pokeballs.

Thump.

The doors wouldn't hold much longer, so Maxie started running for the open window, his Mightyena now bounding ahead of him, barking urgently. Shadows flitted just beyond the stained-glass windows, vague shapes impossible to pinpoint.

There was a crash and splinters flew everywhere as a burly Pokemon that resembled a brown, stumpy-legged kangaroo burst through the doors of the church, making the building shudder under the impact. Terrified silence hung in the still air for a moment, and then the Kangaskhan started roaring and people started screaming.

The Pokemon grabbed a pew and hefted it like a club, swinging it through the air. An orange-furred dog with a bushy tail and black stripes leapt at the Kangaskhan, only to be bodily knocked aside by the impromptu weapon. A brown bird with cream belly-feathers launched itself like a fat cannonball towards the Pokemon, feathers fluffed. There was a thock as the Kangaskhan swung the wooden bench like a star batter and the bird flew straight through the huge glass window at the back of the building.

Third base, Maxie thought absentmindedly.

Then there was the sound of a window being smashed behind him and the red-headed trainer turned just in time to see something lash through the air and curl itself around a woman's neck. She was yanked out the window, struggling to get free. There was a sickening crack, just audible over the Kangaskhan's roaring and the thuds of bodies, and after a shocked moment everybody started scrambling away from the windows. His Mightyena yelped as the big brown Pokemon in the doorway suddenly flung the pew at them, and Maxie dived and slid under another bench, his Pokemon right behind him.
Splinters flew everywhere as the wooden pew smashed onto the stone floor of the church, and then there was silence.

Horrible, horrible silence.
What the hell is going on.....?

And then, quite suddenly, it was too loud for words, and the world went far too fast. He briefly remembered there being quite a lot of fire and screaming and bodies before something hit him on the head and he passed out.
------------
He ran.
He was sprinting away from whatever was chasing him. He didn't know what it was, but it sounded big and mean and nasty and no way in hell did he want to be anywhere near it. Whatever it was, it was roaring for all the world to hear and smashing through the forest like it was so much firewood.

And then it lumbered out from behind the trees and he turned. He saw the gargantuan olive-green lizard crashing through the undergrowth and his face paled-and then he started running faster than he'd ever thought possible, fear lending him speed. The Tyranitar's roar echoed through the forest and grew distant, and then the forest was still.

He kept running for a while, and then stopped, panting. The forest was quiet, with only the breeze rustling the branches to break the silence. Nothing moved, and soon the breeze died down and the entire area was silent as the grave.

It was too quiet, and he took a step forward-only to feel a sharp stinging on his back, and then another, and another, and he fell seemingly into a yawning abyss in the ground with his entire being flaring with agonizing pain. A numbness, a cold feeling in his belly, spread throughout his entire body and he welcomed it as it drove the pain away......

The last thing he ever heard was the buzzing and humming of many, many insects before the numb feeling engulfed him entirely and he took his final breath.
---------
He hardly dared to breathe. He was crammed into a tiny space, his Xatu wedged uncomfortably behind him, watching hundreds, no, thousands of Pokemon tear the facility down. The screams of trainers and staff who hadn't got out in time could be heard among the crackle of hungry flames and the muffled whumps of explosions that shook what remained of the building.

The fire and the scorching heat practically scalded his face, even from his concealed spot in the rocks, and he struggled to take in air that wasn't tainted with thick, hazy smoke. -oh god the screaming and the blood and and and-

No. He couldn't break down now, he was an Elite, he was supposed to protect people-but the fact was that he couldn't. Not without getting torn apart in the process. So he was forced to stay here in this cramped space and watch the massacre of innocents.

Most of the Pokemon that belonged to aspiring trainers died valiantly, fighting to protect their masters-other Pokemon abandoned their owners and joined in with the carnage, tearing down the buildings or killing any humans they could find.

The Elites had scattered. There was nothing they could do besides run, lest they get torn apart themselves. There was plenty to be scared about-the bloodshed, the screams, the rampant slaughter. But it was the singing that frightened him most of all.

Some of the Pokemon were mostly silent, crying out only when hurt or when making a successful kill.
But the rest... They sang-a terrible yet beautiful harmony of bloodlust without words, raw emotion praising the hunt and the joy of killing. It was a melody from the depths of Hell.

everything's burning burning burning- His vision began to blur and he started to hyperventilate, panicking, unable to breathe properly among the haze. have to get out have to get out In his hysteria he pushed himself out of the crack, despite his Xatu's frantic efforts to stop him, and fell straight down.

into the flames into death i'm going to die

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he never noticed the beating of wings above him until somebody caught him by the arm and he stopped falling. "Ka....Karen...?"
"Will! What possessed you to jump down like that? Are you suicidal or something-" But the psychic Elite wasn't listening any more. He was tired out from the day's events and gratefully collapsed onto his Xatu as it flew below him, lost in hazy dreams of wandering through a labyrinth of flames...
------------
Moltres soared high above the burning region, cackling maniacally. "Is it not magnificent, my brothers? Everything burns! Everything turns to ash!"Articuno circled just below Moltres, viewing the scene with a critical eye. "It needs more ice. Perhaps a little here, a little there....and voila~! It will be perfect!" Zapdos shrieked triumph to the skies, laughing hysterically. "It needs more destruction! More! Until they're all dead! Alllll dead!"

He was then promptly slapped by Articuno, gliding out of his course to stop Zapdos' fit of crazy laughter. "Compose yourself, brother! You shall see your fill of destruction in due time. Until then.....we fly!" The trio of birds flew away over the sea to fufill some unknown purpose, Zapdos still giggling at the thought of destroying everything as they went.

Mew watched them from some distance away, making sure they had disappeared over the horizon before plummeting downwards towards Johto, and towards Ecruteak. "Everything is burning...the countdown has begun."

A/N: Chapter One is up! I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to pick out any mistakes I might have made, or point out if it needs more. x_X
...I hope the action scenes were good enough. I'm not all that good at them.
Also, despite all the things you could say about Maxie, patience is not one of his strong points.

 

[Viva La Revolution]

This is totally awesome!

Get more chapters up soon plz.

The "Maxie at a random funeral" thing made me laugh through the entire thing. It was also entertaining to imagine him in some Arceus-forsaken situation like that, and it must have been a lot more fun to write. xD I like Zapdos. "KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALLLLLLLL!"

 

[Groudonny the groundstar]

I laughed at the Zapdos being slapped bit, keep it up.

 

[Cacaruka]

Chapter Two: Preparations

CHAPTER TWO: PREPARATIONS​

The pallid glow of the television was the only light in the small house, its flickering light revealing a figure sitting on the worn couch in front of it. If you looked more closely, the figure was revealed to be a young man with shoulder-length blonde hair wearing a blue robe, looking pale and thoroughly worn out.

Mortimer, gym leader of Ecruteak, was worried. He had every right to be. He'd seen the reports-well, at least the furthest they'd got before the film crew were torn apart-and the chaos erupting in the streets of Kanto. The wild Pokemon seemed to be rebelling on someone's orders-or something's-but apparently the 'forces' here and in the other continents had not yet been rallied to arms. Er, claws.
Or something, anyway. Morty shook his head and massaged his temples. He was letting it get to him already.

He was uneasy and just a tad skittish by this time, not knowing when the next attack would come-thus, when somebody rapped on his door in the middle of the night, he understandably screamed a bit and fell off the couch. He soon regained his composure, stood up, dusted himself off and opened the sliding door.
There was a small girl with blue eyes and short pink hair, dressed all in purple, standing at the entrance.

"Hello, Morty," she said in a voice that chilled him to the core- a voice that was older than time itself and yet as young as the world in its conception. He didn't have any more time to reflect on this because the girl suddenly placed a stone tablet engraved with markings that looked suspiciously like Unown in his hands. "Delivery. For you."

He looked down, studying the engravings for a moment. When he looked up again, the girl was gone. "What...?"
-----------------
They had been flying for a very long time. From the plateau to Ecruteak was a long way, and by the time they were halfway there the sun had risen above the horizon and fallen again-they were gliding beneath the moon's light now.

Karen was thankful for the light. Her Honchkrow was tired and its night vision wasn't that good at the best of times, so the pale sphere hanging in the darkness lit their way. Will and his Xatu flew beneath them, silent as usual. The night was quiet, and mostly still.

Then the beating of wings, many wings, reached her ears. She turned to look and quickly turned her attention towards their current course, urging her Honchkrow on, shouting to Will as she did so.

"Will! Different course! We've got company!"
"What kind?"
"The bad kind! What else, you idiot?!"

The Psychic took one look and exclaimed something that was blown away by the wind. In response, the Xatu glared at Will reproachfully before speeding up.

Karen! Flip! Karen gritted her teeth and ignored the psychic. Karen! Barrel roll! Quickly! Will cried. The dark-specialist Elite groaned and glared at Will. "This isn't funny, Will! Stop it!" Karen....! Will said, his voice insistent. "Fine, fine!" she screamed angrily above the rushing wind. "Honchkrow!" The black bird merely nodded, spread its wings and then the world went all the wrong ways.

Karen clung to her Honchkrow for dear life as the bird flipped upside down. Her eyes widened in shock as a Skarmory launched a wing attack at the space she'd just occupied, obviously planning to decapitate her. Her Pokemon flipped the right way up again and beat its wings in sudden panic, now flying just ahead of the wild flocks. Then, a Noctowl swept in alongside her and slammed into her Pokemon, knocking it out of the sky. It plummeted downwards, unable to control itself-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

This was not turning out to be a good day for Karen.

----------------

"I've been ev-'ry-where, man, I've been ev-'ry-YOW!" Zapdos nursed his sore cheek as Articuno withdrew his wing.

"You could have just asked."
"But actions speak louder than words."
"Yeah, well, you didn't have to slap me!"
"Oh yes I did."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did to-"
"BOTH OF YOU STOP ARGUING!" Moltres bellowed, annoyed.

Both of them shut up immediately.
"Articuno. You're coming with me to the Orange Islands. Zapdos. Go to Hoenn." Two voices in unison whined "Aww, but-" Moltres cut them off curtly. "No buts." They kept gliding in formation for a second. "NOW!" Zapdos wheeled off in the direction of Hoenn, still whining about how unfair it was....

----------

The truck bounced clumsily along the dirt road, making an incredible din and weaving to and fro drunkenly. "AAAAAAAAH!" somebody wailed from inside the truck's cab. "Whitney, shut up!" somebody else snapped, and the truck suddenly lumbered to the right awkwardly to avoid an inconveniently placed tree, wheels squealing.

"You're making me feel sick with your crazy driving, Sabrina," Whitney moaned, slightly green. Sabrina glared briefly at the girl, then quickly spun the wheel to avoid yet another tree. "You'll have to live with it," the psychic Gym Leader snapped, gritting her teeth as they went over a particularly large bump. "Live with it or-" The black-haired woman cut Whitney off. "Don't you dare finish that sentence. I don't see you driving."

There was silence in the truck's cab for a few seconds, and then Whitney shrieked as the vehicle abruptly swung to the left, off the path and into the woods. "Where are you going?!" Sabrina resisted the urge to hit her and watched the forest instead.

This had better work.

She swerved and the tyres screeched at the abrupt change in direction. The vehicle rumbled through the trees and branches scratched the windscreen and the sides of the cab as the truck battered its way through the undergrowth. There was a confusing moment, a myriad of trees and plants and everything green, and then they burst out into the sunlight.
"Cliff!" Whitney screamed. Indeed, there was a cliff right in front of them. Sabrina didn't seem to notice and kept going. Whitney tried to shake her. "Sabrina there's a cliff there we're going to go over it TURN NOW!" The Gym Leader she was addressing didn't seem to pay any attention to her.

There was a thump from behind and the vehicle started slowing down. Sabrina gritted her teeth and slammed on the gas. The truck literally jumped forward and sped towards the rocky outcrop. Whatever was trying to stop the truck suddenly let go-with nothing slowing it down, the vehicle went even faster.
And then it soared straight off the cliff, plummeting down towards the rocks, it was going to crash and burn and take them both with it-
-and suddenly, just short of the rocks, it stopped and moved very, very slightly to the side, just enough to miss the rocks. Then whatever was holding it released it, and the truck slammed into the ground, gouts of sand spraying up from the impact-
- and Sabrina slowly released her death grip on the wheel.

There were no noises. Whitney whimpered quietly, shaken by the sudden fall, and Sabrina stayed perfectly still in case something was still out there...

A/N: Chapter Two is now up. Enjooooy! And the next chapter is when the big battles start happening.... so staa-aay tuned!
Now I feel kind of sorry for Sabrina, having to deal with Whitney. And poor Karen....
(hee hee, cliffhanger. Karen returns in Chapter Three, don't worry ;D)
And if you’re wondering about Maxie, he will return at the start of Chapter Three, don’t worry about that.

 

[Yami Ryu]

Can't you form proper paragraphs and sentences? Stacking lines =/= Paragraphing.

To be honest the prologue felt a little flat and left me with a bad taste in my mouth; sure it was dramatic enough. But it feels like this is another oh here we go, Arceus is a bad guy story. And just makes me wonder, why a God would hate one of its own creations- or just suddenly decide ok after thirty days, DEATH TO ALL!

I mean even in Sodom, was it? God gave that dude 7 days to find what 3 decent people?

And sure you hint at the thing is a false god- which leads me to wonder. Why are the others following it so blindly then.

Karen clung to her Murkrow for dear life as the bird flipped upside down-and her eyes widened in shock as a Skarmory launched a wing attack at the space she'd just occupied, obviously planning to decapitate her.

Murkrow are small. How is she riding one. I can accept a Murkrow carrying her by gripping her clothes; or grasping her hands. But how does one ride a bird, the size of a crow give or take.

Overall you failed to really have anything gripping, after the first paragraph- from lack of description to stacking, to having everything come off as scripted and childish. I mean you have the pokemon; outside Mew and outside a few so eager and willing to abandon people and turn around and destroy them.

Compared to one story I have read, that is somewhat like this, this comes off as a B movie; the villians are flat and poor. The scenes of carnage are laughable, the pokemon are laughable too. Only a few try to save their trainers, the rest are so willing to abandon them, for a cause of a murder spree!?

This is NOT 9.5/10 material. This borders a 'overall five' because I have, unfortunately, seen worse.

Take your time next time. Describe; form actual paragraphs and SPACE the sentences and lines, do not stack them! Put a bit more effort into the evil and horror, and go read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and may I suggest Cheshire Cat's fic, it pretty much has the feel of what you're barely grasping.

Or hell I think even War of the Worlds, would too.

Also I find it hilarious a powerful psychic like Sabrina, is unable to stop a car- when anime wise, manga wise and game wise, she is supposedly the most powerful psychic. Even comparable to a pokemon such as Alakazam.

 

[Cacaruka]

Aaargh.
This definitely needs more editing. ._.;;
Thanks for the review, I'll try and take everything into consideration.
*goes off to edit*
(Although the villain isn't Arceus, actually.....>>;; It's something else...and in the Pokemon manga, the Team Magma members actually were riding on Murkrow, I believe.....unless it was another bird Pokemon I wasn't aware of.
Besides, nobody actually used Arceus' name-so it wouldn't necessarily be Arceus....which was what I was trying to convey.)
Also, the thirty days thing is actually a systematic destruction, a countdown to the end of humanity. It's not WHOAMGARMAGEDDON all in the one day, it's controlled eradication to make sure no human escapes alive.
And in this storyline, 'the God' only created Pokemon. Mew shaped the first humans.
(....without permission. >>;;; )

 

[sweet_piplup123]

"I've been ev-'ry-where, man, I've been ev-'ry-YOW!"
Zapdos nursed his sore cheek as Articuno withdrew his wing.

"You could have just asked."
"But actions speak louder than words."
"Yeah, well, you didn't have to slap me!"
"Oh yes I did."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did to-"
"BOTH OF YOU STOP ARGUING!" Moltres bellowed, annoyed.

That was hilarious
Your paragraphing needs a little improving though.
I like the plot! I'll stay around reading for more!

 

[Groudonny the groundstar]

'Do a barrel roll.
Karen groaned.
"Will, are you kidding?! Why do you want me to-"
No, really. Do a barrel roll!
"Fine, fine..."'

I laughed, hard.

 

[Pokemanmaster]

"You could have just asked."
"But actions speak louder than words."
"Yeah, well, you didn't have to slap me!"
"Oh yes I did."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did too."
"Did not!"
"Did to-"
"BOTH OF YOU STOP ARGUING!" Moltres bellowed, annoyed.

This part made me laugh hard it was really funny, all together a really good story but sometimes it is hard to understand espcially at the sabrina part took me some time to get it but over all very well 9.5/10 nearly perfect just a few problems.

 

[Viva La Revolution]

Once again, the Legendary Bird Trio make me laugh. Niceee.

You seem to have a problem with paragraphing things - it's not one line, enter key, another line, enter key, so on and so forth. It doesn't work that way. A good area is five sentences to a paragraph, but sometimes if you want to put emphasis on one sentence you can put it in it's ow paragraph.

The Sabrina/Whitney part confused me. I had to go back and read over it more than once to understand what was going on.

Karen clung to her Murkrow for dear life as the bird flipped upside down-and her eyes widened in shock as a Skarmory launched a wing attack at the space she'd just occupied, obviously planning to decapitate her.

Two things wrong with this sentence. It seemed like a super run-on, with many things happening at the same time. Maybe it should have gone more like this, with a comma, space, and capitalization instead of a comma...

Karen clung to her Murkrow for dear life as the bird flipped upside down. Her eyes widened in shock as a Skarmory launched a wing attack at the space she'd just occupied, obviously planning to decapitate her.

And the second is the fact that Karen is way bigger than her Murkrow. I don't get it either, and the games don't help. A Murkrow is what, a foot tall, foot and a half wide? How does Karen cling for dear life to something one-fifth her size?

 

[Cacaruka]

Ahh, I always had fun writing the parts for the Legendary Trio. It's like, they're super-powerful Pokemon that can destroy cities and everything but when it comes down to it they're just bickering siblings, you know?

About the Murkrow issue: I'm thinking of changing it to a Honchkrow, since Honchkrow can support a human's weight and I want to keep their Pokemon as close to canon as I can get.
...although you have to wonder how a Golbat can support Koga, in that case...>>;;

 

[Viva La Revolution]

I ran into that same problem with a fanfic I'm writing, so I just make the character hold on to Golbat's feet. Hey, it gets the job done...

And WOO! 101 posts!

 

[Azurne]

Well, it started off cliché, because I’ve seen numerous “Gods are suddenly mad at humanity and want to kill them all” plots. There seemed to be nothing special about it. It just doesn’t seem logical for the Pokemon deities to just suddenly say “Oh, they’re evil, let’s kill them all now.” Just doesn’t click.


Maxie at a funeral was pretty creative actually, I thought, and that’s what carried me through to chapter one. Your description was a bit hazy sometimes, but for the most part I like your writing style.


You do have a small problem with characterization though, because I thought Maxie’s dialog was a bit out of character at a few points.

"C’mon. I know you think it’s boring, but it’s going to be over pretty soon."

“C’mon” doesn’t really strike me as something Maxie would say; it’ a little too informal.


And here:

“You want to get out?"

I think “You want to leave?” would seem better, because it sounds more intelligent.


Then there were the three birds. Though they are reveling in the destruction… you just made them seem like mindless killing machines. The dialog between them was hardly believable, because it wasn’t really intelligent at all or adding to the plot.

and voila~! It will be perfect!

I don’t see a legendary saying “viola~!” but maybe that’s just me.

I think your problem, though, was that you were trying too hard to make them seem like legendaries. Because reading the incredibly formal “is it not magnificent?” juxtaposed against “Viola~!” well, they’re two completely different tones. “Is it not magnificent” is very up-tight, but “viola~!” has a very informal sound to it, almost childish.


And contrary to what most of your reviewers say, I found the dialog exchange between the legendary bird trio in the next chapter to be not funny at all. Why? Well, this is supposed to be a serious story, right? So I was actually a little bit confused when you just randomly stuck it in there. It was in pure serious mode then you just… I don’t even know. >.>


It’s okay for serious stories to have a bit of humor. In fact, it just makes the story that much greater; but only if you place it in the right parts. There has to be a bit of a light-hearted build-up. You went from Karen and Will almost dying to Articuno and Zapdos childishly arguing with each other. It didn’t fit very well at all.



Your story has a lot of creative potential, but you’re ruining it with the occasional OOC and misplaced humor. And, as Yami pointed out, you need to break up your paragraphs and space out some things.


Like this:

And then, quite suddenly, it was too loud for words, and the world went far too fast. He briefly remembered there being quite a lot of fire and screaming and bodies before something hit him on the head and he passed out.
------------
He ran.
He was sprinting away from whatever was chasing him. He didn't know what it was, but it sounded big and mean and nasty and no way in hell did he want to be anywhere near it. Whatever it was, it was roaring for all the world to hear and smashing through the forest like it was so much firewood.

Should really look like this:

And then, quite suddenly, it was too loud for words, and the world went far too fast. He briefly remembered there being quite a lot of fire and screaming and bodies before something hit him on the head and he passed out.


------------


He ran.
He was sprinting away from whatever was chasing him. He didn't know what it was, but it sounded big and mean and nasty and no way in hell did he want to be anywhere near it. Whatever it was, it was roaring for all the world to hear and smashing through the forest like it was so much firewood.

Visual spacing does wonders. I can almost guarantee that if you go back and edit your prologue + chapters for proper spacing, you’ll have more readers whether you know it or not.


Also, every time someone speaks, you hit the enter button. Usually twice, not once.


So in other words this paragraph:

And in a flash of light, the God appeared, startling all present out of their current conversations. "Hear me."
The Legendary Pokemon were attentive, all except Mew, gliding serenely around the area where all others were still as stone. "We dream of a perfect world, a world that is wild and free. Yet, there is but one obstacle in our way....and do you know what that is?"
Silence. Nobody dared answer. "Very well! This obstacle...is humanity! Each and every day, more and more of our planet is being taken over by these beings! They are inferior, inferior to the wild power we embody, and yet we do not dare crush them! Fools! Do you not see what is happening around you?"

Should look like this:

And in a flash of light, the God appeared, startling all present out of their current conversations. "Hear me."

The Legendary Pokemon were attentive, all except Mew, gliding serenely around the area where all others were still as stone.

"We dream of a perfect world, a world that is wild and free. Yet, there is but one obstacle in our way....and do you know what that is?"

Silence. Nobody dared answer.

"Very well! This obstacle...is humanity! Each and every day, more and more of our planet is being taken over by these beings! They are inferior, inferior to the wild power we embody, and yet we do not dare crush them! Fools! Do you not see what is happening around you?"

Overall, I’d give this story a good 7/10. Your language is superb, and your description isn’t bad, you just have some grammatical errors, spacing problems, and the occasional out of character.



Believe me, I wouldn't have taken the time to review this fic and resurrect it if I didn’t think this story could really be something great.


Best of luck~


- . IC Ghost . / Azurne