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Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by chosen_one386, Aug 11, 2008.

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  1. chosen_one386

    chosen_one386 Angel of Chaos

    When I left these forums a year ago, I quit writing the last fic in my huge series, The Last Battle. For any of you who remember my series, it was about the Great War and Kris, the Chosen One. Well, the story is finished, but my writing has not.

    I started this story at the beginning of the summer, trying to answer the question, What if the Aquapolians were real? If you remember the Aquapolians from my stories, they were the half human and half Pokemon species that was the main focus of the series. But, what if they were real?

    I've taken a completely different approach to the legend of Aquapolis as you will see. I borrowed characters from various movies and shows and several from history. I consider this not very good, even though I'm almost finished with it, but rest assured, I have planned a sequel and so far the plot is awesome. I will be posting five chapters at a time, but they are small so don't worry about having to read a lot at one time.

    This is rated PG for mild swearing and violence. Nothing too bad.

    The first chapter is basically backstory for the main character.

    There have been many civilizations throughout Earth’s history. They have risen and fallen. Their historical accounts allow us to view their times. Historians study these accounts and never doubt their author’s existence.
    They doubt the existence of the Aquapolian empire.
    The Aquapolians were a great people, the empire starting nearly 16,000 years ago. They were to be the ambassadors and protectors of the world, thus God gave them elemental powers contained in the crystal marks right below their necks.
    Suddenly, 3,000 years ago, their infants started to be born without the mark. Several months later, the powers of land and sea started to war against them, causing havoc across the land. God promised them a savior, an angel who would save their race.
    She came three decades later.
    She stopped the two warring powers.
    She made a pact with their king in which he gave his life to revive his race.
    His race died out.
    She was named Quamachi.
    The Chosen One
    We are the next generation.
    We are Aquapolians.​

    Part 1: Marked

    Katie had never understood why people would drive around town with their speakers turned all the way up and the windows down. They were a great nuisance and greatly annoyed her dad.

    But, sitting alone at the tennis courts behind the closed library, she decided to find out why. She let the windows down, found her favorite radio station, and turned it up full blast.

    Sound rocked her small car, nearly bursting her eardrums which were used to loud music. After three seconds, she turned it off, straining to hear the cars on the road in front of the library. She shook her head, grabbed her racket, and climbed out of the car.

    Katie was supposed to be meeting her friends at the courts that afternoon to play, but she had arrived too early. She leaned against the fence, taking her iPod out of her pocket.

    That’s when she saw him. He was considerably taller than she, but the same age. A grey cap was pulled down over dark brown hair framing green eyes. Katie was near-sighted, so she couldn’t tell what he wore until he had descended the hill between the courts and the library. He had on a grey, wool Confederate uniform.

    Her first though went to the local Sons of Confederate Veterans chapter, of which her father was commander. They had reproductions of battles throughout the year, but she didn’t remember one being in the summer.

    He stopped to glance at her blue car for a second, they turned to her.

    “Where’s the reenactment?” She asked.


    Katie frowned. She had never been called ma’am before. She was old enough to be a miss, surely, but not a ma’am.

    “Isn’t that uniform hot during the summer?” She asked, ignoring the ma’am comment.

    “A bit, ma’am, but it’s alright.” He paused, looking around the area, then back at her. “My name’s Brendan, ma’am, I’m from Alabama.”

    “I’m Katie,” she said, gritting her teeth to keep herself from lashing out at him. “So... what are you doing dressed like that?”

    He leaned in as if he had a secret and whispered, “I’m going to warn my commander that Sherman is heading this way.”

    Katie nodded her understanding. Her understanding that this kid was mental. “Well, good luck with that.”

    “Thank you, ma’am,” He tipped his hat to her. “I better be off.” With that, he walked on into the trees toward the railroad tracks. She watched him as he disappeared in the trees beyond and only turned her head when she heard the crunching of gravel.

    “So, what have you been doing all summer?”

    Katie didn’t answer as she dove to return a serve with her backhand. The ball shot past Sarah, hitting the baseline with accuracy.

    “Reading and playing tennis,” she replied. “You?”

    “We went to the mountains and went camping the week after school got out and we went to go see some movies.”

    “Oh, yeah. We went to go see Indiana Jones.”

    Sitting on the bench nearby, Taylor, who was texting one of their other friends, slapped her hands over her ears.

    “Don’t tell me! I haven’t seen it yet!” She said.

    Katie wrinkled her nose. “I didn’t like the whole science fiction route they took. I also though the Nazis were better villains.”

    “I like it,” Sarah said, serving again.

    “The Last Crusade was much better.”

    “Are you two done talking about the movie?” Taylor asked.


    “Good.” She uncovered her ears and smoothed back her long blonde hair.

    “I think we should go see Get Smart when it comes out,” Katie said.

    “When does it come out?”

    “In a few weeks.”

    Sarah and Taylor switched places and Katie served. As she returned the ball, Taylor asked, “Read any good books so far?”

    “For the past two weeks I’ve been reading The Fountainhead. It’s really long and is a school reading list book, but it’s really good!”


    “Yeah. My favorite character is Gail Wynand.”

    “Who’s he?”

    “A newspaper owner, He owns newspapers, newsreels...”

    Katie trailed off and hit the ball again, staying silent for a bit. She knew those looks. The ones she used to get when she talked about it. Thank God she had been rid of it for ten months. Still, the looks returned whenever she went off on a subject she was obsessed about, and she knew she had to stop.

    They played for a few more hours until Sarah’s and Taylor’s rides appeared. Katie waved good-bye, climbing into her Mustang and slamming the door shut, thinking forward to the rest of the summer.

    “Katie! Come fix the tea!”

    Katie put down The Fountainhead and sighed. She had just gotten to a good part when her dad called her down to fix the tea for supper. Climbing down the stairs, she passed by her mom who was cleaning the table off. Her stomach rumbled. She had gone swimming that afternoon and swimming always made her hungry.

    While Katie tried to watch a show on the History Channel, Jim Flannery talked to his wife about the Confederate cemetery he was clearing out behind the farm.

    “We just discovered a new headstone. It’s amazing...”

    Katie’s focus shifted from the Romans to the Confederates as her dad continued to talk.

    “It’s a boy’s who was Katie’s age when he died in the war. The only piece of his name we could read was Brendan.”

    Katie chocked a bit on her tea, coughing and spluttering as her mind raced.

    “Are you okay?” Jim asked.

    “Y...Yes,” she coughed, excusing herself from the table. She raced upstairs and pace in her room for a while until she stopped shaking. It was impossible that she could see someone who was dead. Maybe the Southern June heat had gotten to her.

    She settled down on her bean bag chair, still shaking, and tried to focus on reading about Gail Wynand’s latest crisis.

    Smallest prologue ever, I know. I'm going to try to get up links from my former fics but only if anyone wants to read them. They are horrible. XP
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2008
  2. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    That isn't really a prologue so much as a combination of a rushed prologue and a skimpy summary.

    If he died to revive his race, and his race died out, she's not so high and mighty is she. She's not such a graceful being is she. Not such a chosen one is she. Lied and tricked him, didn't she.

    Anyway, your prologue did little more than be confusing and provide little information and left many questions to be answered. I assume via the chapters, but if the story isn't about what happened in the past, why did you leave so many holes and questions in the prologue.

    It's also confusing, it makes you think someone is telling it from a historian's point of view, and being mocked, and then it turns into a little history lesson. A bad little history lesson, then at the end the speaker reveals 'lolz for we are the next generation'. Even tho supposedly, the kings race died out.


    You've left yourself with alot of plot holes and crap to fix with your story, or fix with a rewrite.
  3. duncan

    duncan Well-Known Member

    Yeah. I do agree it should have been longer, but it is just a prologue. Might have just posted the first chapter along with this, but it'll be fine. I'm sure the normal chapters will be fine in length. It was also a bit choppy, but if I remember correctly from the earlier fics, I assume it's some kind of ancient text?

    There's not too much else to say, really. Some decent backstory on the fic, which has potential for sure. You know I'll be reading.
  4. chosen_one386

    chosen_one386 Angel of Chaos

    I added chapter one to the prologue. Please read and review it as well.
  5. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Stacking Paragraphs and Sentences = nono.

    And how did we go from pokemon world people to romans and confederates and nazis of america, rome and germany? I mean what was the point of this confusing, and very short first chapter for the main character? It revealed nothing and only threw more questions and confusion into the mix.

    And somehow it feels like you wrote it up in the reply box.

    That and why would Katie have to force herself from lashing out, verbally or otherwise at the young man- or ghost. Whichever he may be, if her father leads the group she mistook him for. And there's nothing to prevent her from correcting him calling her a Miss if she feels that way; you don't really have your character come off as someone who tries to be miss perfect and never let a flaw like a short temper show through.
  6. Evanarios

    Evanarios ...yep

    Lot's of cliches? And common writing, you're not bad but you need to be original! The story is good, but short.

    "Katie had never understood why people would drive around town with their speakers turned all the way up and the windows down."

    This just sounds too elementary, spice it up (There are others sentences that need spicing also) Anyway you are good and I will read your next chapters(Story?). I hope you take all advice!

    Good ay!

  7. chosen_one386

    chosen_one386 Angel of Chaos

    Wow, another reader! Welcome.

    Hah. This fic is truely atrocious at the beginning. It actually doesn't get any better until the third part. Speaking of... *edits*

    Actually, it's going to be pretty long. I'm almost finished writing the whole story. I am ready to start adding some vocab words from SAT Prep, but with a twist. Maybe that will spice things up! XD

    Thank you for reviewing! Hope you stay with me and help me a bit!
  8. chosen_one386

    chosen_one386 Angel of Chaos

    Sorry for double posting, but I wanted to get chapters two through seven up. Here they are!

    Katie stumbled, blood running down her arms, toward the tree line, desperately trying to get away. Bodies outfitted in blue coats were scattered around her, their blood seeping into the ground from severed heads, arms, and legs.

    In all the confusion, a man rode on horseback toward her. He had on a coat like the other soldiers and a black hat. He also wore a powdered wig, white as his steed. He finally reached Katie and held out his hand.

    “Climb on, miss!”

    Forgetting to thank him for calling her miss instead of ma’am, she climbed on behind him, handing on as he sped out of the battle zone. She heard shouts from the men, calling out and calling him General Washington. He turned to look at her, giving her a weak smile.

    “War. Some young men think it is full of glory. They haven’t actually seen its destruction of souls.”

    “Watch out!” She shrieked as a band of red coated men fired at them. She fell into darkness as the bullets slammed into her.

    “Katie! You better get up! I’m leaving in a few minutes!”

    Katie started up in bed, sweating and shaking, at the sound of her mother’s voice. It took a few minutes to comprehend that she was in bed in her own room and not on a battlefield during the Revolutionary War. Then she remembered: she was supposed to go to Augusta with Karen that day. She bolted out of her bed and into her bathroom, racing to brush her teeth and wash her face. In ten minutes flat, she pulled on jeans and a shirt and put on some make-up.

    Karen Flannery was waiting for her downstairs, working on paying some bills. Katie fed her Himalayan, Pika, and sat down at the den table.

    “Are you ready to go?” Karen asked.

    Katie nodded, trying to wipe the sleep from her eyes along with the dream.

    Katie was in heaven at Barnes and Nobles. Coffee and books was the ultimate combination. She sat in a secluded table, drinking her coffee and reading the next book in her favorite series, Warriors.
    She didn’t even notice when a man came up to her table, slid a chair out, and sat down. She looked up only after a few minutes and nearly screamed.

    It was Teddy Roosevelt.

    After her encounter with Brendan and the dream with Washington, she didn’t doubt that this was the real Teddy Roosevelt.

    He smiled at her warmly and motioned to her book. “It’s good to see kids your age reading these days. Soon, though, you’ll find that you’ll be on your own adventure. You’ll soon find yourself in a position of power. Remember, some people are born with greatness and some people have it thrust upon them.”

    He tipped his hat to her and left, leaving her dazed and confused, staring at the lines in her book.

    Katie couldn’t even concentrate that night on watching her favorite show, Greek. She kept wandering back to the events of the last few days in her mind, replaying them over and over again in her head. She went to bed early, her mind racing. Finally, she fell asleep.

    It was dark. The kind of darkness where you couldn’t see your own hand in front of your face. The kind of darkness where one lost all hope and feeling.

    Suddenly, a light flooded into her senses. The floor underneath her feet was crumbling stone, expertly crafted and detailed. She looked around, her eyes glancing over an altar and to the far wall above it where a cross was cut into the stone.

    “Qua... Quamachi...”

    The whisper was just loud enough for her to hear faintly. She looked down and her stomach turned. A man lay on the floor. He was handsome with dark brown hair and blue eyes. He was lying in a pool of his own blood flowing from his wrists. A bloody knife lay nearby. It was also engraved with a cross.

    “Y...You will forever b...be known as Quamachi...”

    She knelt beside him and he reached out to grab her hand, smearing his blood on her skin.

    “Thank you.”
    Something shot through her and he disappeared. The temple started to crash down on top of her. A roar filled her ears until she blacked out.

    3. ​
    For the second morning in a row, Katie bolted up in bed, sweating and shaking. She looked at her clock. 8:25. She climbed out of bed, thinking that she would have woken up in five minutes anyway. She stumbled to her bathroom and that’s when she saw it.

    Right below her neck was a cross, filled in with the strangest blue she had ever seen. She shook her head. This had to be a dream. Rubbing the mark with soap and water didn’t work either. She started hyperventilating. What was happening to her?

    She stumbled back into her room and took her tank top off, sliding on a navy blue t-shirt and jeans. She tried to push the thought of the mark out of her mind, hoping that it would just disappear.

    “Will you go into town and run some errands for me?” Karen asked as she sat down to eat a bowl of Special K.

    “Sure,” Katie answered, trying to fight Pika off from her milk.

    “Are you okay?”

    “Yeah, why?”

    “You’re shaking.”

    “I’m just cold.” It was true, Karen kept it freezing in that part of the house.

    “Then go upstairs, put on some clothes, and get to town.”

    Katie turned down the radio as she neared the bank window, annoyed that her favorite song had to come on just when she had to turn the radio down. She pushed the checks into the slot and received the pocket of money, flinging it into the passenger seat as she muttered a thanks and drove off.

    Next stop was Bi-Lo, where she shoved fruit, vegetables, and cereals into the cart. Turning into an aisle, she nearly ran smack into Mrs. Liu, a guy in her class’s mother.

    “Hello, Mrs. Liu,” she said politely.

    “It’s nice to see you, Katie,” she said in slightly broken English. “How is your summer?”

    “It’s going well. How is Nelson doing in Atlanta?”

    “Fine, fine. His father is away in Japan, so the house is empty.”

    That one word, Japan, struck her. Suddenly, her mind filled with a desire to leave. To go. Soon, it was all she could think about.

    “It was nice to see you. Say hello to Nelson for me,” she said, speeding off with the cart. She wheeled it into the frozen food aisle, grabbed her purse, and left the store without the food.

    As if in a trance, Katie went straight through downtown instead of taking a left to go home. Without counting how much money her mom had had cashed, she drove to Augusta, her mind intent on reaching Japan.

    Katie sat in her Mustang in front of Radio Shack, counting the money she had cashed for her mom. It was enough to get her a plane ticket and to apply for a passport, which she would have to do in California. It was also enough to keep her sustained until she got to Japan. She finally entered the store, picking up a GPS that her dad had himself and paying for it. She then drove to Walgreens and got a bunch of travel sized toiletries.

    “Going on a trip?” The woman at the counter asked her as she rang up her items.

    “Yeah. California.”

    “It’s full of tourists this time of year I bet.”

    “It probably is. This is my first visit.”

    The woman handed her her bag. “Have a great trip.”

    “Thanks.” Katie walked to her car and climbed in, not once thinking of the insanity of her idea. She merely set the GPS for San Francisco’s major airport and sped out of Augusta, leaving her old life behind.

    Katie turned her headlights on as the sky outside started to darken. At the same time, she turned up the sound on a Maroon 5 song. It still didn’t wake her out of her trance, but she did feel good enough to sing.

    Her phone had rung many times in the past day. She finally turned it off, wanting to conserve the battery and to avoid a source that might take her out of her trance. She hummed, forgetting about the world she had left behind.

    Swerving lights headed toward her. She barely had a few seconds to comprehend before she plunged into darkness.

    “She’s waking up.”

    Katie groaned. Her shoulder and chest hurt bad. She opened her eyes to see a doctor and nurse standing over her. Her trance-like state had vanished. It had been replaced by a state of confusion.

    “Wait...what am I doing here?” She asked, taking in her surroundings. She was in a hospital room God knew where.

    “You don’t remember, honey?” asked the nurse.

    She shook her head.

    “You were hit by a drunk driver.”

    The words sunk in slowly as Katie looked from the nurse to the doctor and back again.

    “From the condition of the wreck, you are lucky. You got away with only a few broken ribs and a dislocated shoulder,” the doctor said.

    “You’re lucky that man found your car and helped you out before it exploded into flames,” the nurse said.

    Katie leaned back in the bed, taking everything they had said in. Another nurse entered the room and handed the doctor an x-ray. He glanced at it and frowned.

    “No, I need the x-rays for Katharine Flannery.”

    “These are them, sir.”

    “Something must be wrong with the machine. I better go and check on it,” the doctor said, leaving the room.

    “You just get some rest,” the nurse said. “I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.”

    Katie didn’t complain. For the first time in days, she slept without dreaming.

    “Miss Flannery, you have a visitor.”

    Katie’s eyes flew open. How long had she been asleep? She glanced at the clock on the wall. It was 10:44 in the morning. She shifted her gaze to the nurse at the door.

    “Should I tell him to wait for a bit?”

    She shook her head. “No, I’ll see him.” Confusion filled her mind. She didn’t know anyone here. She didn’t even know what state she was in.

    The nurse disappeared and the door opened again to reveal a tall man wearing a suit. He was easily in his sixties and had grey hair and a small beard and mustache. He smile warmly when he saw her.

    “Glad to see that you’re awake,” he said. He had a thick Scottish accent and a deep voice. “You’ve been unconscious for the past three days.

    Katie’s confused look must have told him that she needed an introduction, for he promptly said, “Damian Jones.”

    She nodded. “Katie Flannery. You were the one who found my car?”

    “Yes,” he nodded. “If you don’t mind me asking, what is a kid your age doing all the way out here in Texas?”

    So that was where she was. “Excuse me?”

    “Your license. You’re from Georgia, aren’t you?”

    She nodded. There was silence for a few moments as she tried to decided whether or not she should tell him about her journey. Finally, the truth just slipped out.

    “I’m going to San Francisco to catch a flight to Japan.”

    “Japan?” He didn’t seem at all surprised. Instead, he just looked interested.

    “Yeah, I...” Then it hit her again. The trance-like state returned. The urge was even stronger this time. Get to Japan or die.

    Her opportunity cam instantly when a nurse opened the door. “Mr. Jones, I’m sorry, but Dr. Toohey needs to take some more x-rays...”

    In those few seconds he was turned away from her, her vision blurred and all though ceased. Mechanically, she grabbed her purse which was sitting on a table near her and lunged toward the window.

    Two impossible things happened in those few split seconds of non-feeling. Instead of the expected crash and crack of glass, Katie seemed to fly through it as if it were liquid. She didn’t look to the street three stories below. She just found herself there suddenly and took off on a dead run, flying through the streets of Austin and searching desperately for a bus station or airport.

    Katie didn’t look behind her to see if anyone had gone after her. She felt free. She felt as if she were flying down the streets. She scaled over a chain link fence, hoping that going down a few back streets might help her.


    She glanced back to see Damian scale the chain link fence she had just gone over and run after her at a surprising speed. Her first thought was one of amazement that a man his age was so physically fit. Her second thought was that this new development might be a big obstacle for her escape.

    After several more fences and many streets, she was jerked back at such a speed, she wondered why her neck didn’t break from the impact. Two hands pinned her arms behind her.

    “Let me go!” She screamed, hoping someone would hear her.

    “You haven’t been released from the hospital yet! You’re going back!”

    “Let me go!!” She repeated. At this request, he did. Instead of running away, she turned to face him. Neither of them was out of breath, an amazing feat considering the distance they had covered. He looked at her, something changing in his eyes.

    “You are on a mission.” It was a statement, not a question.

    She nodded.

    “Something indescribable is pulling you to Japan?”

    She nodded.

    He pulled an envelope out of the pocket in his jacket and gave it to her.

    “I hope you find what you are looking for there. Good luck.” He turned to go, then turned back. “And by the way, you are not alone.” With that, he left.

    A few hours later, Katie boarded a bus for San Francisco. On the way, she opened the envelope Damian had given her. Inside was an ATM card, a phone number, and a small piece of paper with instructions on it. The first said to ask for Rick at the passport assignment in San Francisco and to mention Damian’s name when doing so.

    So when the bus stopped in San Francisco, Katie immediately headed for the airport and the passport office. At the desk sat a woman with black hair and who was obviously Asian.

    “Excuse me. could you tell me where Rick is?” She asked.

    Before the woman could speak, a man appeared from behind her and guided Katie into and office.

    “I’m Rick. What can I do for you?”

    “Damian Jones sent me.”

    “You are...”

    “Katie Flannery.”

    “Right! Mr. Jones told us you were coming.” Rick dug in an office drawer and pulled out a small blue passport. “Here you go.”

    “Don’t I need to fill out some forms or something?”

    “All of that has been taken care of. Have a nice trip to Tokyo.”

    Katie headed directly to her flight, settling down in her seat with a book she had purchased from the terminal’s bookstore. Soon enough, though, she fell asleep and encountered another dream.

    Katie walked through the streets of Tokyo, pushing past crowds who spoke in rapid Japanese. She caught phrases that she immediately understood, but didn’t pay attention to why she could understand them. Finally, she stopped before a large school building. The sign before it read Joudai Academy. Suddenly, her vision blurred and she slipped back into darkness.

    Katie woke with a start as the plane descended to the airport of Tokyo. She grabbed her purse, book, and bag which she had bought in Texas to hold her stuff and disembarked the plane.

    She was immediately swept up into the crowded Tokyo streets, which were more crowded than she had ever imagined or dreamed. She glanced at the instructions from the envelope. The next step was to go to the U.S. Embassy and register there.

    First, though, she had to find the embassy. She decided to try and ask a shop keeper nearby.

    “Excuse me. Do you know where the U.S. Embassy is?” She asked the boy.

    “Yes. It is three blocks from here. That way.” He pointed down the street.

    “Thank you.”

    The embassy was a small building. When she walked in, she immediately spotted the huge American seal on the floor. A man walked over to her, a scowl on his face.

    “If you’re in trouble, I’m sorry, but you’ll just have to get in line.”


    “I don’t care if the whole Japanese government is after you.”


    “The best way to get out of trouble is to stay out of trouble. When are you kids ever going to learn that?”

    “But I only came to be registered.”

    “Oh.” His expression changed to one of relief. “Well right this way.” He led her to the large front desk where she gave him her name and information.

    “If you don’t mind me asking, who referred you to the embassy?” he asked.

    Katie paused, then said, “Damian Jones.”

    The man nodded approvingly. “Good. One less trouble maker in these parts. the last few to come through have gotten into all kinds of trouble.” He pulled a small book out of a drawer and handed it to her. “This book tells you the best lodgings and food in Japan. It also has a list of schools and their locations.”

    Katie thanked him and walked back out into the terribly crowded streets. She found an inn nearby which had cheap lodgings and a nice staff. After securing herself a room, she went on her search for Joudai.

    She hadn’t walked far before she came to the large and imposing school house. It was deserted for the summer. Luckily, the offices were still open.

    “I’ll get you an appointment with Mr. Nagano...” the secretary told her. “Oh, wait... He’s free right now. I’ll see if he can speak to you at this moment.”

    “So... Miss Flannery. You’re from Georgia, correct?”

    Katie nodded. Mr. Nagano, the admissions officer for Joudai, was a middle aged man with a kind face and an even kinder demeanor. Obviously, though, he had to be strict with admissions seeing as Joudai was a top rank school.

    “You are the fourth student we’ve had in the past six months to transfer here from America. Hopefully, like the other three, you’ll also do well on the entrance exam.”

    Katie nodded again. She had heard about Japanese entrance exams and how difficult they were.

    “We will also need records from your school back in America. How can we contact them?”

    She didn’t linger on her past life’s facts for too long before she gave him the name and address of her former school. She was to take the entrance exam the next day, thus she left the office dreading over the test.

    Eric Keating walked down the streets of Tokyo with his best friend Max Roark. They hadn’t always been best friends. In fact, they had only know each other for five months.

    “So, how’s the research going?” Eric asked.

    “It’s going as fast as it can go. I might have to turn to the library for more sources, though.”

    “The internet not big enough?”

    “It may surprise you that not everything is on the internet.”

    Eric walked on silently for a bit. Suddenly, a girl caught his eye. She was Caucasian, with blonde hair and blue eyes.

    “Hey, I’ll meet up with you back at the apartment,” he said to Max, then jogged after the girl.


    She turned to him. He had been wrong. Her eyes weren’t blue. They were a strange crystal blue.

    “Hi,” she replied a bit shyly.

    “You’re not from around here, are you?”

    “How did you guess?” She laughed.

    “So where are you from?”

    “Georgia. You?”


    “Well, hello neighbor.” The more they talked, the less nervous she seemed.

    “Eric,” he stuck out his hand.

    “Katie.” She shook his hand and they continued walking.

    “So, you applied to Joudai?” He asked, glancing back at the school building.

    “Yeah. I’m taking the exam tomorrow.”

    He grimaced. “Good luck. It’s more nerve wracking than the SAT.”

    They stopped and it was silent for a few seconds until he pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. He wrote down his cell number on it and handed it to her. “Call me if you need to know anything about Tokyo. I’ve been here a while, so I’m almost an expert.”

    She laughed again and took the paper form him. “I will. Thank you.” With that, she walked off down the street.

    Katie sat in the waiting room of the admissions office, trying to focus on reading The Swan House. She was shaking so bad, she couldn’t focus in the Atlanta based story which took her back to her native South. Finally, the secretary called her into Mr. Nagano’s office.

    She sat down in the chair in front of his desk. She tried to control her shaking, but it didn’t work. He was reading a transcript, which he put down when she sat in front of him.

    “I received your transcript yesterday from your former school. I must say, I am impressed. Your average at the end of last school year was a 99.8 and your exam grade was impressive as well.” He held out his hand to her. “Welcome to Joudai Academy.”

    She took his hand and shook it firmly, grinning from ear to ear. “Thank you!”

    “My secretary will give you your uniform. We look forward to your junior year next year.”

    Katie walked back out into the waiting room and the secretary gave her her uniform. Once again, she stepped out into the streets of Tokyo.

    Before she could get back to her apartment, she saw Eric walking toward her down the street.

    “So I take it you got into Joudai?” He asked her, motioning to the uniform slung across her arm.

    “Yes, I did.” They started to walk down the street together. “So, why are you here in Japan?”

    “Would you believe because of the school systems?”

    Katie laughed. “Really?”

    “Not really. Actually, I don’t know why I came here.”

    “Me neither.”

    “It was just some kind of inexplicable force.”

    Katie nodded.

    “Can I confide in you?” Eric asked.


    “I... Something really weird is going on with me. One day, I woke up with a star shaped mark right below my neck and nothing has been the same since.”

    There was silence for a few minutes as they stopped walking and Katie stared unbelievingly at him.

    “I know... It’s crazy...”

    “You, too?” She whispered.

    It took him a few seconds to figure out that she wasn’t making fun of him. Then, he said, “Listen, can I introduce you to some people? I think maybe we can figure this out together.”

    Eric knocked on an apartment door. It took a few minutes before the door swung open, revealing a boy their age with dark brown hair and a pair of headphones slung around his neck. He motioned to Katie. “She got clearance?”

    “Yes, Max, she does,” he said, sighing.

    “Come on in.”

    Katie walked in behind Eric, looking around at the plain apartment room. In the corner was a large computer system where Max went to sit down.

    “Katie, this is Max, my roommate. Max, this is Katie. She’s been marked, too.”

    “Welcome to the first day of the freak show.”

    “Do you know what this is all about?” She asked.

    “I’ve been researching for months now. I still haven’t found anything.”

    “Eric... you said that your mark was star-shaped. But mine’s cross-shaped.”

    Eric and Max were silent for a few minutes until Max murmured, “That must mean something important.”

    Suddenly, the door flew open and a girl breezed in, her dark brown hair flying behind her. When she saw that they had company, she smiled warmly at Katie. “Hey, welcome to the freak house. I’m Zoey.”

    “I’m Katie.”

    “So do you want to join us?” Eric asked.

    “What are you? A cult?”

    “Hardly,” Zoey laughed, sitting on a couch nearby.

    “We have plenty of room. If you want to, you can move in.”

    “Are you sure?”


    “Then, yes, I’ll help you.”

    The group headed down to a Starbucks a few blocks away. Seeing the familiar sign and coffee made Katie a bit homesick and she wondered if she would ever return to Georgia. After ordering and finding a seat, Eric explained what had happened to them.

    “I was the first to arrive a few months ago. Like you, I had a dream about Joudai, but I don’t think any of us have had dreams or visions of others,” he said, drinking his coffee.

    “I was second. I’m from New York, so I have had the furthest to go,” Max said. “New York has great technology, but no place on Earth can beat Tokyo in that department.” He opened up his laptop to emphasize the fact.

    “Well, I’m from California, so I had the shortest distance to travel. I just got here a month ago and I already feel like killing one of my roommates,” Zoey said, glaring at Max, who wasn’t paying attention.

    “So, other than the dreams and visions, what other symptoms have you had?” Eric asked.

    “Well, I flew through a third floor window as if it were liquid and I survived the fall. Plus, I’ve become faster and I have more endurance than ever before,” Katie replied.

    “Wow...” Max said, looking up from his computer. “None of us have been able to do that,”

    “None of us have tried to do that,” Zoey pointed out.

    “We’ve had mild symptoms. Nowadays, I can’t stand any temperature below sixty degrees,” Eric said.

    “And I can’t stand any temperature above or below sixty degrees,” Zoey added.

    “There are times I can’t stop talking,” Max said.

    “That’s not a symptom. You talk all the time.”

    “But I talk in all sorts of different languages at times. I don’t know half of them, either.”

    “And he’s had seizures as well,” Eric added.

    There was silence for a while, which gave Katie the chance to study Eric. She couldn’t help noticing how his eyes lit up when talking about the subject of the marks as if he held great hop for their future. He had the brightest blue eyes. She also noticed that like her, he chose to drink cold coffee instead of warm coffee like Max and Zoey. He also always had a book with him. Katie always carried one as well. She glanced over at his and was excited to see what he was reading.

    “You’re reading The Swan House?” She asked.

    Eric glanced at the book and smiled. “Yeah. Takes me back home, but I guess it does more so with you. You’re probably more familiar with Atlanta than I am.”

    Katie nodded. “My mom’s from there.”

    “Speaking of books, did you find anything at the library?” Max asked Zoey.

    Zoey sighed and shook her head. “It’s so hard to find information about this.”

    Suddenly, something hit Katie. She knew who could help them. “I know someone who can help us.”


    “Well, on my way to California, I got into a bad wreck. This man helped me to safety. He gave me money and his number and told me I wasn’t alone.”

    “He’s got to know something,” Zoey said.

    “Give me his name and number and I can look him up,” Max said.

    “His name is Damian Jones, and...”

    “I don’t need to look him up,” Max said.

    Katie frowned, confused. “Who is he?”

    “He’s a major ambassador to the U.N. for America and Britain.”

    “You can be an ambassador for two countries?”

    “If anyone can, Damian Jones can.”

    “Well, can you at least look up where he is?”

    “I sure can.” Max typed away on his laptop for a few minutes, then said, “He’s in Berlin.”

    “That’s neo-Nazi territory,” Eric said.

    “I didn’t know they were still that large,” Katie said.

    Eric nodded. “They still are. You be careful about this guy. He’s high profile, but he might be involved with them somehow.”

    “But, he saved my life.”

    “All people who manipulate do random acts of kindness. It helps them gain trust.”

    Katie decided not to argue with him, even though she trusted Damian completely. For some reason, she didn’t want Eric to get mad at her. I was strange. She never backed down from an argument before.

    “Want me to get you the next available flight to Berlin?” Max asked.
    “Yeah. I want to go as soon as possible.”

    “Are you sure you want to go alone?” Eric asked.

    She turned to him and smiled. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
  9. Yami Ryu

    Yami Ryu Well-Known Member

    Instant Fail. Why?

    One chapter per posting. And there's not even a pokemon in here. You know I remember you I think. I think I reviewed one of your works. When did you start writing worse than you did in the past?

    What, she had her own personal mini wind to blow her hair for her?

    And LOL. Doctors don't check the X-ray machines! They don't even take the x-rays! I've had my ankle x-rayed 5 times since breaking it about three months ago, and never once has the doctor taken it. Told the nurse to do so yes; but him? No. Never.

    And why would Katie admit about her strange happenings so quickly. I mean most people would be afraid of being considered crazy, or a freak, or being abnormal.

    Your characters are also a bit flat and bland and even with seven chapters in one post- there was very little character development/growth.
  10. Zephyr Flare

    Zephyr Flare /pose

    Sigh. Please read the Fanfiction Rules before posting. It IS a one chapter per post rule and thats no exceptions. Anybody who breaks it gets instant thread closure, kinda like this.

    I'd also advise to check out Advice for Aspiring Authors, even on a scroll down I saw a lot of talking and little else.

  11. Zephyr Flare

    Zephyr Flare /pose

    Sigh. Please read the Fanfiction Rules before posting. It IS a one chapter per post rule and thats no exceptions. Anybody who breaks it gets instant thread closure, kinda like this.

    I'd also advise to check out Advice for Aspiring Authors, even on a scroll down I saw a lot of talking and little else.

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