Arcanite: CURRENT CHAPTER: 1: A beginning

[Pikablu Lv.X]

This is also on PokeStory forums, for anyone who wants to know.

PG-13 for Violence,Blood, Minor Swearing, etc.


Chapter 1: A Beginning

Aelix (Ay-Lix), a young 19 year old boy with long blond hair coming up till his neck, brown eyes, and black jeans and a grey hood jacket sat on the hill, watching a parade of kids come and go out of Professor Birch's lab in Littleroot town. It was Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home day, when the Professor gave away r escued Pokemon to beginning trainers. Many trainers now begin with them instead of the usual starters. They gave away the pokemon which were abandoned by other trainers The lucky ones got rare pokemon like Bagon while the rest got ridiculously common pokemon like Bidoof. It was all based on a lucky draw, you see. Aelix gave a short laugh, which soon died because he heard the Hoenn Police's car come up behind him.

Ever since Aelix had run away from his family and joined the Covenant, the police had been after him and the other remaining ones, even when their leader had been killed.

"Stop right there, criminal scum! This is Officer Rick!" a voice from behind Aelix said. It sounded like there were more police with him. "Surrender now, or we will have to take you away by force!" it continued.


Aelix kept his cool, and reaching for a Pokeball in his back pocket....


"Go! Gliscor!" He shouted, throwing the Pokeball from his hand to the police officers. "Use Night Slash!"


At first nothing seemed to happen. Then, all of a sudden the black silhouette that was Gliscor appeared behind them, and using it's tail it slashed into their backs in a latitudinal motion.


The police fainted. "The poison will wear off soon" Aelix told Gliscor. "We have enough time to escape by then" said Aelix, withdrawing Gliscor back into it's Pokeball.

Aelix walked away into the distance...


*~*~*

THE NEXT DAY...


Hiroshi, a boy with untidy long-ish black hair, wearing a white, sweaty T-Shirt with a logo of a Turtwig drawn on it, was walkingand blue jeans was busy training his Trapinch at route 101. He had gotten his Trapinch the previous day at the Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home carnival at Littleroot Town. He wasn't really happy with it's speed, especially when it lumbered on behind him as his friend Zac would go speeding by with his Doduo.

"Oh come on, you slow lump" he said as he waited for his the slow orange bug, who was clumsily walking towards it's trainer. "I would keep you in a Pokeball, but the Professor says that it's better training if you're outside....." He said, resentfully. It was getting dark.

Hiroshi was very unsatisfied with the Pokemon he had received. Ever since he and his family had migrated from Johto, he had always wanted a strong Pokemon of his own. He had grown up with Pokemon, with his father and brother both successful and widely known trainers. He would be the laughing stock of town. While everybody had received even a considerably strong pokemon, all he got was a slow, orange bug.

"Tra-Trapiinch" murmured Trapinch, walking with it's oversized head hung down in shame, as it and it's trainer continued to walk across the route.


"Hiro!" "Hey Hiro!" shouted a chestnut haired boy on a Doduo in his nightclothes.


"Oh hey, Zac" Hiroshi replied. "What's the matter?" Hiroshi retorted, jealously eying his friend's Doduo. Zac was a native of Littleroot town, and a good friend of Professor Birch's daughter. "Maybe that's why he got such a powerful Pokemon" said Hiroshi, under his breath.


"Your mum told me to call you. She wants you home for supper." Zac said, yawning.


"Right" said Hiroshi, in a small voice. He looked at his Pokeball "Well Trapinch, you may not be the strongest of Pokemon, and definitely not the speediest, but hey, let's put all of that behind us and start a new day tommorow, alright?"

~*~*~


And tomorrow is the next chapter of this fanfic. Stay tuned, and give crit!

 

[Yami Ryu]

So... did you write this up in the reply box? Because I seriously doubt this is even one page long. I seriously doubt it.

Aelix, a 19 year old, sat

Aelix..? What kind of name is that? Typoed Alex? Typoed Alexis? .. what?


And a 19 yr old what? Aelix, a ninteen year old block of colorless text, sat watching as children streamed out of Professor Birch's lab, each with their very first pokemon. And, causing Aelix, who didn't even know what gender or being it was supposed to be, burned with envy and sorrow. For not only did it lack a pokemon, it lacked solid shape and form, which those countless, nameless children had over it.


Description. See. I described. I also described emotion and thought.

The lucky ones got rare pokemon like Bagon while the rest got pathetic pokemon like Bidoof. He gave a short laugh, which soon died because he heard the Hoenn Police's car come up behind him.

WHY HELLO NAMELESS CHILD, HERE HAVE SOME OF THE MOST RAREST AND DANGEROUS POKEMON TO EVER GRACE THE WORLD!

But Professor, I just want a-

NONSENSE, HERE HAVE THIS MAGMAR.

But I just want a Bid-

YOU WILL TAKE THIS MAGMAR OR I WILL LET IT EAT YOU. GOT THAT.

... yes sir.

Couldn't resist. So, without any trials or testings or anything of the sort, children get given RARE or PATHETIC pokemon? Epic.

"Stop right there, criminal scum! This is Officer Rick!" a voice from behind Aelix said. It sounded like there were more police with him. "Surrender now, or we will have to take you away by force!" it continued.

Cause Hoenn Police are Anonymous. They are everywhere. They are everyone. They are legion. They ar-

Wait what, why did police suddenly drive up, and threaten a randomly named, sofar descriptionless and only just recently gendered blob?

What did Blob-boy do?

And did cops lack guns as well as pokemon?

/golfclap.

Hiroshi, a boy with untidy long-ish black hair, a white T-Shirt with a Turtwig drawn on it, and blue jeans was busy training his Trapinch at route 101. He had gotten his Trapinch the previous day at the Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home carnival at Littleroot Town. He wasn't really happy with it's speed, especially when it lumbered on behind him as his friend Zac would go speeding by with his Doduo.

Rushed, flat and tacky.

Japanese Named Boy, travled down a path. Dirty, untidy hair fell across his face, but he ignored it as he continued walking, hands shoved deep into the pockets of his jeans, while a worn and torn t-shirt adorned his chest. A logo of a Turtwig so faded upon the front and back, it appeared as if drawn on with chalk.

He should be training the pokemon he had gotten the other day, a young Trapinch. But he was so infuriated. His friend had gotten a spiffy, fast and strong Doduo, which he was able to ride. But as for him? All he had gotten was a lumbering orange bug, with an oversized head.

"Trapiiiinch.." The small pokemon mumbled as it clumsily trotted after Japanese Named Boy- but it was ignored as its trainer snorted, not even bothering to give it a glance or a responce.

'Useless', he thought bitterly about the pokemon following behind.

Yeeeah. Bit more depth/emotion into a character. You have him resentful of the Trapinch, actually have the character show it. But no he's resentful and then chipper the next moment, showing as much emotion as description for Aelix.

Work on description, interaction, pacing, character depth/emotion, setting/scenery and showing us the world instead of just telling us this strangely named blob did this, and this boy has a pokemon he doesn't like.

Also get a word program to write in- read Advice for Aspiring Authors, and take a gander at the Rules thread.

 

[LordSameth]

There does need to be more description and much more length to the chapters. You only had a short paragraph for each POV, where really there should be at least three fleshed out ones for each. A good guideline is minimum five paragraphs per chapter. I try to go a minimum of between 3,000-5,000 words per chapter before I even consider wrapping it up. Instead of ending the chapter when you feel bored of writing, end when it is the end of a minor arch in the story ( So for the first chapter it would be when Hiroshi first leaves for his journey), or when you want to leave it for dramatic purposes ( Like " Trapinch lay on the ground, his small body unable to take much more from the constant fury being unleashed by Zac's Dodou. The speed between them was comparable between that of a Bullet train and a dead frog. It seemed hopeless, Hiroshi knew they couldn't win, so he grabbed his pokeball and made his commitment. Just as he spoke "return" Trapinch dodged to the side and shook it's head. It wasn't finished, this battle had only begun)(End chapter x)

The story itself is good and I found myself hooked pretty fast;I'll be waiting for more chapters, just be sure to lengthen them, and add more description. It does take practice, and fan-fics are a good way to do that, so I am eager to see some improvement as you continue to add more chapters.

 

[ClassicalwaterPokemon]

I think that the story was very good and I like the idea for the Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home day,it is something cool and different for once.I do feel that the descriptions were a little vague tho,and a little more info on the characters other than that it would me fine.

 

[ShiniyKecleon]

I do very much agree with the above posts (though Yami's was a bit mean... as always), and I thought I just might add some tips or something, along with rectifying/adding to some of the points.

Aelix..? What kind of name is that? Typoed Alex? Typoed Alexis? .. what?

I'm gonna have to disagree with you, Yami. Since when did every name had to be regular? All the Joes and Freds running around mediocre stories just make them all the more forgettable. It's mostly limited to fantasy, sure, but there's no reason to point out that it's a weird name, especially when you didn't give any reason behind it.

To fill the shoes, I would recommend thinking about whether the name is somehow fitted to the character. You can name a character anything (to an extent) as long as it gives off a particular mood or ironic idea- there isn't a reason to tack on random names to a character. If Aelix seems to be fitting to you, by all means keep it.

In addition, I would take a little more time to describe the character- clothes, hair, whatever the readers need to know. Ditto for the scenery; as I always say, there's no reason I shouldn't have a clear picture of the world around the characters, no matter what your method of explanation is.

The lucky ones got rare pokemon like Bagon while the rest got pathetic pokemon like Bidoof.

Mostly an agreement with Yami here. If you'd like to improve this kind of idea, and generally expand on it, I'd ask yourself a few questions about how this thing rolls. While I wouldn't just hand a Mawile off to some poor sucker and watch the show, I might want to test him first, show how adept he is at handling X Pokemon. Going in depth, behind the scenes (even if you don't use ALL the information in the actual story)... those kinds of things improve your fic.

"Go! Gliscor!" He shouted, throwing the Pokeball from his hand to the police officers. "Use Night Slash!"


At first nothing seemed to happen. Then, all of a sudden the black silhouette that was Gliscor appeared behind them, and using it's tail it slashed into their backs in a latitudinal motion.

Yup, I too found that rather rushed. Of course, while it's perfectly plausible for a criminal to respond with self-defense, there was PLENTY of time for the cops to take out a gun and just freaking shoot this guy. I'd add in, like, a feeling of dread in the cops or something to give justification as to why Gliscor pulled a Batman while his owner was in mortal danger.

I'd also like to point out here that there doesn't seem to be a reason for Aelix to be randomly on the top of the hill. Have you thought that through? There's gotta be a reason for a wanted criminal to be stalking little kids carrying Bidoofs and Bagons. You don't need to write that in if it would give us too much information, but at least know why your characters do what they do.

Aelix walked away into the distance...

Practically the equivalent of riding into the sunset; I'd give a little more detail behind it; the sentence just feels lackluster. Maybe he snuck into the trees, or flew off on his Gliscor, but just saying he's walkin' away is... lazy.

I will now also agree with you, Yami, when it comes to this whole second section. There's just too little description, and the whole section is... a whopping seven paragraphs, most of which are formed by short dialogues. I can't do anything besides recommending more, more, MORE detail. Sure, it's a bit lazy, considering the amount of time I dedicated to the first... but I like criminals more than newbie trainers. Having said that, Flygon is one of my favorites, so this had better improve to do my boy justice.

But overall, the story looks pretty promising; with two distinct PoVs and some interesting, albeit underdeveloped features. I'd do some editing as suggested, and of course start to think about the motivations of the characters, the plot... and, I must ask: will Aelix and Hiroshimi's stories ever intertwine? The answer is naturally yes, but take a little while to mull over why and how- seperate character threads are usually ruined when the stories come together in a weird or unsurprising way.

Fairly good job, says I. Keep it up.

 

[Act]

I'm gonna have to disagree with you, Yami. Since when did every name had to be regular? All the Joes and Freds running around mediocre stories just make them all the more forgettable. It's mostly limited to fantasy, sure, but there's no reason to point out that it's a weird name, especially when you didn't give any reason behind it.

To fill the shoes, I would recommend thinking about whether the name is somehow fitted to the character. You can name a character anything (to an extent) as long as it gives off a particular mood or ironic idea- there isn't a reason to tack on random names to a character. If Aelix seems to be fitting to you, by all means keep it.

I'm going to disagree with both of you.

First of all, implying that having names like "Chris" and "Freddie" somehow degrade the quality of a piece is pretty silly and bluntly, outright incorrect. Honestly, especially in our fandom, seeing a normal name is a relief to any experienced reader. Authors who use extravagant mesh-of-random-syllable names generally so for two reasons: 1) to make the character seem speshul and kewl 2) because it's a self-insert and the author thinks the name is cool or that it makes the character more badass or something. Neither of these are good reasons, and both of them generally are an indication of poor quality and a sue. Not to mention that... I mean, are you honestly saying that if you like a fic whose character is named John Smith you're going to complain about it?

Further, you have to consider social norms. If you have one kid named, "Hatikulya," his neighbor isn't going to be named, "Jack." You can't just give out names randomly and have everyone react normally to them. In this story, you have Zac, Hiroshi, and Aelix living in the same town. No. Just no. Either everyone has English names, or everyone has Japanese names, or everyone has random-syllable-conglomeration names. Communities are, on a pretty large scale, going to have norms with this kind of thing... and that's not up for debate. Looking at any culture, this is true.

That being said, if your character is named Kawaii in a town of Susans, you can't just have no one react. People are going to think it's strange, especially if we're talking about kids here. And to act otherwise is one of the most basic marks of Suedom out there.


So... I guess I agree with Yami, except for that whole, "Let me say it in a rude and unhelpful way," thing.


Also, this is way, way too short. It's pretty likely this thread will get closed if one of the mods decides to check it out. The writing mechanically isn't bad, but it's very bare-bones. Why not add in some description and emotion? Expand on your characters. Or, alternatively, mark this as a prologue.

 

[Yami Ryu]

So... I guess I agree with Yami, except for that whole, "Let me say it in a rude and unhelpful way," thing.

Maybe no one gave me a chance to explain why I said what I said remember not to assume Act

I'm gonna have to disagree with you, Yami. Since when did every name had to be regular? All the Joes and Freds running around mediocre stories just make them all the more forgettable. It's mostly limited to fantasy, sure, but there's no reason to point out that it's a weird name, especially when you didn't give any reason behind it.

Act summed up what I was going to say earlier but decided eh it wasn't worth it as A: someone would explain it better than me in due time, or B: you'd not read it or people wouldn't believe it if it came from me.

Not the first time I've explained my actions and people have called me a liar or flat out ignored me /rollseyes

As said, the guy has a Japanese named character; a character named 'Aelix' and a guy named 'Zac' when they both should most likely be named Alex and Zack which are normal names, which aren't any different than the seemingly typoed ones. Which are also easier to pronounce in the case of Aelix. I keep 'saying' it as 'AyLex' or 'EhLex' which don't really sound like a name I'd give my kid, since AyLex could get you the nickname Maylox or whatever that exlax stuff is. EhLex could get the same.

If all the characters have outlandish names then fine that's alright; but the names already include two different spellings of normal names AND a japanese name. And since Professor Birch is still named Professor Birch and not like Professor Archibold Acer Boxelder, simple names- or atleast Normal names are what the characters should have.

 

[Willow's Tara]

I don't think we should make a big fuss about names, I don't see anything wrong with making names look a bit different as long as it's not too out there or weird or something that would get your kids beat up.

Anyways I agree with the rest of what the other two said, needs to be longer and have description. Why was the kid in trouble with the police? And how did they know he was there? If he was so wanted shouldn't he be running away from the police not watching a well known lab?

 

[Pikablu Lv.X]

Thanks for the crit everyone, and I've edited it to make the character's description more clear. I'm typing the second chapter currently, this time on Word.

 

[Yami Ryu]

So guess review Take Two.

Aelix (Ay-Lix), a young 19 year old boy with long blond hair coming up till his neck, brown eyes, and black jeans and a grey hood jacket sat on the hill, watching a parade of kids come and go out of Professor Birch's lab in Littleroot town.

Text block description. It feels like you are setting this down all at once so you don't have to touch his description ever again or just to make sure right here, right now, we all know 'what he looks like'. This is one of the most common mistakes for newbie writers.

Example;

Ralph sat at the base of a towering oak tree, chin in his hands as he absently watched the multitude of trainers streaming out of the building, not that he actually cared about them.

Snorting, the young man, probably in his late teens, shifted. One hand dropped from 'supporting' his chin and moved up, brushing some strands of light auburn colored hair out of his expressionless face.

Description of a character isn't just describing in one line, what that character looks like.

It was Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home day, when the Professor gave away r escued Pokemon to beginning trainers. Many trainers now begin with them instead of the usual starters.

This is also relevant how? Why should we be learning this; why isn't Aelix making any discouraging or offhanded thoughts about this? This is pretty useless information tagged on behind the description block, causing it to be run on and cluttered strangely.

They gave away the pokemon which were abandoned by other trainers The lucky ones got rare pokemon like Bagon while the rest got ridiculously common pokemon like Bidoof. It was all based on a lucky draw, you see.

Again; why would Birch give out rare pokemon. Why would rare pokemon even need to be given out. Why would Birch have obtained these pokemon anyways? He doesn't strike me as a collector like Professor Oak, who has a big *** ranch for all his pokemon, the trainers pokemon, and wild pokemon.

This also doesn't make any real sense anyways- Give a pokemon a home day, it could actually have been better developed for Abused, abandond, neglected or unwanted pokemon, left to die by cruel trainers have been rescued, and they need you to take care of them, and it could have been explained more with the 'second part' of the chapter, but it really wasn't.

Aelix gave a short laugh, which soon died because he heard the Hoenn Police's car come up behind him.

So Hoenn only has one police car for their entire squad...

Again this is just as rushed and flat as before, you really didn't do anything here except do some little description tidbits.

Ever since Aelix had run away from his family and joined the Covenant, the police had been after him and the other remaining ones, even when their leader had been killed.

Who? What? Where? Why?

Covenant

So in one line he's now been revealed as some bad dude who did bad things and it's so bad the police know his very identity because unfortunately Aelix was to stupid to wear a mask to hide his identity or something.

"Stop right there, criminal scum! This is Officer Rick!" a voice from behind Aelix said. It sounded like there were more police with him. "Surrender now, or we will have to take you away by force!" it continued.

Bwah. In all my times of watching COPS, Bait Car or anything of the ilk, have I never, ever, seen an officer announce his presence in such a way to a scofflaw.

Aelix kept his cool, and reaching for a Pokeball in his back pocket....

I've seen Cops/other shows. Usually, usually when a guy moves, or makes a movement that is NOT how the police tell them to move, shots are fired, whether they be beanbags, tazers, rubber bullets or real ammunition, shots usually get fired.

"Go! Gliscor!" He shouted, throwing the Pokeball from his hand to the police officers. "Use Night Slash!"

Bang. Bang.

Aelix is dead.

At first nothing seemed to happen. Then, all of a sudden the black silhouette that was Gliscor appeared behind them, and using it's tail it slashed into their backs in a latitudinal motion.

Yes cause you know police officers never have guns, or never have pokemon in this case- and came woefully unprepared, like always, and they get killed/hurt/maimed.

The police fainted. "The poison will wear off soon" Aelix told Gliscor. "We have enough time to escape by then" said Aelix, withdrawing Gliscor back into it's Pokeball.

Why would Gliscor need to know this? This is another example of you telling us something instead of having the character himself reveal it in a thought or an offhanded comment or some sort.

Aelix walked away into the distance...

Distance where.

Hiroshi, a boy with untidy long-ish black hair, wearing a white, sweaty T-Shirt with a logo of a Turtwig drawn on it, was walkingand blue jeans was busy training his Trapinch at route 101. He had gotten his Trapinch the previous day at the Give-A-Pokemon-A-Home carnival at Littleroot Town. He wasn't really happy with it's speed, especially when it lumbered on behind him as his friend Zac would go speeding by with his Doduo.

Again, information dump. Squashing everything we need to know in one summary of a prologue, from what Hiroshi looks like to what and where he obtained his pokemon to his best friend/friend's pokemon.

"Oh come on, you slow lump" he said as he waited for his the slow orange bug, who was clumsily walking towards it's trainer. "I would keep you in a Pokeball, but the Professor says that it's better training if you're outside....." He said, resentfully. It was getting dark.

This is also very emotionless.

'Oh come on, you useless lump,' Hiroshi finally snapped out hatefully towards the small orange pokemon, glaring when it stumbled for the uptenth time. "The only reason you're not in your pokeball is because I was told this would make you stronger," he grumbled, clearly showing his annoyance for the small bug like ground type.

He coldly ignored the soft whine like sound that Trapinch let out, as it- [Hiroshi hadn't bothered to even ask what gender it was], was confused as to what it was doing wrong, to upset its trainer so.

"Right" said Hiroshi, in a small voice. He looked at his Pokeball "Well Trapinch, you may not be the strongest of Pokemon, and definitely not the speediest, but hey, let's put all of that behind us and start a new day tommorow, alright?"

Bipolar much? First you have him supposedly hating Trapinch. Resentful that he got a supposedly worthless/useless insect, or atleast disatisfied with it, but here he turns around, in less than two lines, and is accepting Trapinch and even attempting to be buddy buddy, telling it to act like nothing happened/it's all in the past.