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Around Kanto

Dragon trainer

Arise from the Ashes
If you can remeber i had a prologue up called the shiny starters well this is the journey fic.

I have had this part edited but i am dyslexic so please dont start be nasty or anything, i do like constuctive critism for spelling and grammer and tense mistakes. please help if i need it. well here you go.

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Around Kanto: The Journey begins

Rainbow sat bolt up right in bed. The consent bleeping of her new PokeNav could be heard; the alarm had gone off. Her emerald eyes flung open, but only into the darkness of night. Her long brown hair, streaked with baby blue, shocking purple, and ruby red flew upwards, as if trying to escape before falling back down, slightly below her shoulders.

Her soft, delicate hands searched over the bedside table, which was littered with a phone, the PokeNav, her Pokedex, and various bottles and potions, many labeled each with weird-sounding names.

She found the switch and flicked it carefully, the whole room all at once blinding her. Her eyes shut fast. She then carefully opened them again, slowly blinking and adjusting to the light. She rubbed her eyes, and carefully tip-toed downstairs.

She heard her dad snoring away, peeked though the crack into her parent’s bedroom, and she saw both parents fast asleep.

She tip-toed towards the bathroom, but she opened the door, it creaked. Rainbow froze, but nothing could be heard, and silence filled the air.

She opened the door more, walked into the bathroom, and shielded her eyes as she pulled the light switch down.

The room light up, revealing its color: mint green, with baby blue towels. It also smelt of lavender.

She turned on the shower, and, in an instant, hot water ran down away from the shower head. Rainbow stripped away her pajamas and entered; she flinched as the water ran down her body. She picked her shower gel labeled “Mt moon shower gel: A refreshing awaking to your day or a great wind down to a stressful day”. She flipped the lid up and poured a little onto her sponge. She flipped the lid back and started rubbing the shower gel all over her body. The scent of flowers, fresh air and a strange yet pleasant smell seemed to awake her fully.

As she turned the shower off and opened the shower curtain, stream immediately flew away, like fire works on a stage, giving her a grand appearance. She wrapped a towel around herself and hurried back into her bedroom.

Her room was fairly small: next to her bed sat a beach colored bedside table. She quickly grabbed the things from her bedside table and picked up a sapphire blue colored rug sack. Inside already was a change of clothes and plenty of underwear her mum had brought her. She quickly changed into her outfit which consisted of baggy light blue colored jeans, a pair of ankle high pink socks, her favorite pair of sapphire colored trainers, a baby blue colored t-shirt and a shocking pink zip up top, with two bright red stripes which ran down the arms of the jacket. She zipped this up and finished packing the potions and healing products and spare Pokeballs and anything else she might need.

Meanwhile in another house just across the street, her rival, Midnight, was also getting ready.

Unlike Rainbow, Midnight was a bully, which is why Midnight and Rainbow hated each other. Neither of them could understand each other.

Midnight had jet black hair and 1 red streak. She also had piecing blue eyes and a stubborn temper. She also had a hate for Rainbow, as Rainbow does for her.

Anyway, that morning when Midnight woke up, light was pouring in though the cracked blinds. She rubbed her sore and now red eyes, which originally were as blue as the ocean. She slid out of bed and found the clothes she had been saving for this day: her baby pink t-shirt, her electric blue jacket with electric yellow stripes which ran down the sides and sleeves, and skin tight dark blue jeans that seem to make her appear more mysterious. She pulled out some underwear on first then carefully put on her t-shirt and jacket. She pulled on a pair of ankle high jet black socks and her jeans. Her trainers were a midnight blue color with black laces, which she pulled tight and tied together in a neat bow.

She had already packed her emerald green back pack the other week, filled with clothes, healing products, Pokeballs, and whatever else she needed.

Both left their houses at 8:30 that morning.

Rainbow looked up into the sky, which was mix of pink and blue with no clouds.

“Rainbow, hope you’re not going to get a Pokemon dressed like that!” Midnight called out.

“Same to you,” Rainbow replied.

Rainbow walked down the street. Apart from her and Midnight, no-one else was up. Rainbow knew there would be at least one more trainer going to get their first Pokemon. Rainbow already knew she was going for a Charmander; however, she hadn’t revealed that information to anyone else.

Rainbow walked down the empty roads. Trees lined the sides of the Pallet town streets, many producing berries others flowers. Butterfrees and Beautiflies were pollinating the flowers. Rainbow knew they were powerful Pokemon and had a wide range of attacks including Psychic, Bug, and Flying moves. Rainbow then saw their trainers; these were trained Pokemon and would only attack if ordered.

Rainbow walked down to the end of the road. Outside, Midnight and another trainer were standing.

Rainbow ignored Midnight and concentrated on the other trainer. Another girl this one had green hair and matching emerald eyes. She wore a jet black t-shirt and ¾ combat trousers colored sapphire blue, which complimented her eyes, and carried an emerald and jet black colored rug sack. The strap was placed over her shoulders. This was Emerald. She was determined to become a Grass type master, probably going to start with a Bulbasaur.

They waited outside ready for their new Pokemon, when a midnight blue car pulled up. The door opened and Professor Oak climbed out. He was old, with snow white hair and wrinkly skin, but a smile that always could make you feel better and give you confidence. His misty blue eyes showed his age, skill, and knowledge.

“Morning girls! Sorry I’m late. Wow, no boys this year? That’s a first! Well, maybe, unless they’re running late!” He chuckled to himself.

A lad stepped out from the car. He was fairly tall with black hair that reached down just above his chin. He wore a red bandana, and had large brown eyes. He wore a plain green t-shirt and blue jeans. He had 3 Pokeballs on his belt and carried a further 3 in his hands.

“Ready, Professor Oak?” he asked.

“Yes, Tracey, just go right in there,” he replied.

Tracey then walked into the lab, closing the glass door.

“Right… So we have Emerald Stone, Midnight Nightshade, and Rainbow err…” Professor Oak started before struggling on my name, as always.

“Rainbow Moonstone,” Rainbow finished.

“Okay, great. I believe that they are ready, so make a line, please,” the professor ordered.

They all entered the lab, professor oak in front, Emerald behind him, and Rainbow and Midnight arguing behind.

At the other end of the lab, in a holder each, sat 3 Pokeballs, each a sphere. Round the middle, indented, was were they would sit ready to be attached onto a belt. The top half was ruby red, the bottom half pure white, and there was a button on the front. If anyone pressed it, the ball would open to reveal a Pokemon.

“Which Pokemon would you like?” Professor Oak asked.

“I would like Bulbasaur, please!” Emerald stated.

“Okay, here you go,” Professor Oak said, handing Emerald a Pokeball, a PokeNav, a Pokedex, and a further five Pokeballs. Emerald pressed the button, and out came a small dinosaur. It looked up at them.

Shouts of “Wow!”, “Wicked”, and “Awesome, a shiny! They’re so cool! Nice one Emerald!” could be heard echoing round the room.

Emerald picked her up and said, “Hello, aren’t you pretty?” She hugged her new Pokemon. The Bulbasaur hugged her back, happy at last to be wanted by someone.

“I’ll have a Charmander, please,” Rainbow stated.

Again, Professor Oak passed Rainbow Charmander’s Pokeball, a PokeNav, a Pokedex, and five Pokeballs.

She opened up Charmander’s Pokeball. The white light materialized and their stood a lizard, which yawned. Instead of the normal orange color, it was a yellow color.

“Oh, cool, Rainbow! You’ve also got a shiny starter!” Emerald gasped.

Rainbow grinned. “Wow,” she muttered.

“How rare, two shiny starters! I wonder if the Squirtle is also shiny,” Prof Oak said.

“You’re so cute!” Rainbow said. The lizard looked up and smiled. It stretched its small and delicate arms out, so Rainbow hugged it again. The Charmander hugged her, too.

“Now, would you like a nickname?” she asked the lizard.

It smiled and nodded.

“How about Volcano?” Rainbow suggested.

The lizard nodded.

“Right. Return, Volcano!” Rainbow said.

By this time Emerald had left, and Midnight had her Pokemon: a shiny Squirtle.

As Rainbow was leaving the building, she heard Midnight’s voice.

“How ‘bout a battle?”

“You’re on!” Rainbow replied.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Rainbow and Midnight and Emerald as trainer names?

attack of the children of the hippies

But seriously, all three sound like they're mary sues. Midnight and Rainbow also seem bland, flat and shallow. Leading to no interest in them whatso ever. Then you have the 'One's a bully one's a goodygoody so they hate each other'/'Rivalry' thing. Which just sounds a helluva lot like the Anime, and in no way scores you any points for Originality.

It can't be that hard to think of a more original way for trainers to recive their pokemon, or a reason why it's the same day, or what not. I mean if the two are 'rivals' and will fight, scuffle or be threats to one another, wouldn't reason have the professor give the pokemon to them individually to prevent a fight from possibly breaking out?

AND WUT!? SHINIES? ALL THREE?

....

You seriously don't go for the original do you? Did you even take into account how Rare shinies are? And why would the professor be giving such RARE pokemon to begining trainers? Wouldn't he choose someone with skill that would raise the pokemon up right? That wouldn't be a possible target for theives or going evil or whatnot? -_- okay, this caused your near Mary Sue characters to full fledgedly jump into the Mary Sue title/catigory/definition.

You're not going to win many people as fans or reviewers this way.
 
M

mindripper

Guest
She tip-toed towards the bathroom, but she opened the door

"But"? There is no opposition of logic, and so that conjunction cannot be used. Looking at the rest of your sentence, either use "and" or insert "when" after "but".

stream immediately flew away

"Steam", you mean?


Do spell this out in the future. I really do not like to see abbreviations in fiction writing. It does give one an aura of laziness.

Well, I do not really see a huge problem with their names right now. Roses by any other name would smell just as sweet. Just as long as they do not turn out to be bland, shallow characters, they are fine in my book. However, Renegade does have some truth in her words that better, more fitting names would give the reader a better impression of you and your story. Since you have already named your characters as such, you basically have to stick with them and make sure that they develop well enough.

The part about the shinies is pretty formulaic as well. You probably realise how rare those are, and I guess that you do want your pokes to be more powerful than normal standards, but that can be achieved through good writing and storytelling skils, instead of taking the easy way out and making them shiny. Perhaps you could not inject a sense of normality in your shinies, like they are not as great as their inherent nature deems them to be, and remedy that situation.

Either way, it is your call, and no one else's. Try to ensure that you do not derail your fic with these seemingly disappointing early choices, and validate your characters and story in the best way you can, by confounding your critics. Good luck!
 

Dragon trainer

Arise from the Ashes
alright thanks - i have no problems with names, i'll edit it and begin work with the second chapter thank you for your comments. Like i said i do like constructive critisim and if possible help with tenses and spelling.
 
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