Sidewinder
Ours is the Fury
Chapter 33
I'm liking this bit where she's throwing everything in his face and getting pissed, but the quoted portion sounded weird to me. Jovi being who she is, I can't really see her referring to herself as pretty. It just kinda goes against what I believe her self image to be. Well, I'm sure she thinks she's good looking but I don't feel like she's the one to comment on it.
Luxury Ball?
Wow I'm getting excited lol
I'll second that lol. You did a good job with that quoted portion. Mainly because so many fic's fall into this habit of the beauty of the world/the existentialism of different situations/etc but Marcus is just looking at it for what it is and that's it. I like it
Hah! Nice...Sounds like something Dorian would say
Forgot the beginning quotes there
Ga'hoole? As in the Guardians of? Please tell me you've seen it so I'm not the only one in my age bracket that has haha
You should make a filler chapter that delves deeper into that. Seems like fun
Looking back on what I've written so far I noticed that I didn't have as many comments as I usually do for each of your chapters. So I reread it and my conclusion is that the situation with Janie took up most of the chapter and instead of dissecting each portion as I go along like usual, I found myself just enjoying it and following it quickly. The battle so far has been wonderfully done. I was just so entranced by it I literally could notice nothing else. Great work buddy
Chapter 34
Superman
Really nice visual there. In my mind's eye I see them flowing purple and black as they shoot past lol. Since you're using 'dam' as a focusing mechanism for the tide of ghosts, I do think that the word 'river' would work a little bit better. It would go hand in hand with dam, as well as the fact that river of death sounds better to me than sea of death. Just my opinion though lol
Formatting issue
there
BAM! I'm rooting for Janie's side in all this, but that Haunter had a lot of menace laced in those words and I liked it quite a bit.
I swear, every single one of your chapters I find a word that I have to immediately look up lol. I've never heard of Duranium before so well done. Good inventiveness too with the Salt-Peter to keep the ghosts out, I wouldn't have thought of that
Wow that was violent. You continue to surprise me. I've come to expect inventiveness, and wordiness, and comedy from you, but this brad of violence is extremely surprising. Don't get me wrong, I really dig it, but just wow. You're really cranking the **** up to eleven
Needs a capital
One T too many
Beautiful wordplay there buddy. Fit extremely well with Ghetsis's personality and I'm just loving how serious this has gotten. First of all, **** Ben, and I'm glad he got what was coming to him, but even though Jovi's been captured she's been pretty good about it, but when ghetsis threatened Quorra I'm finally seeing her break and that I'm not too fond of.
I hope you take me seriously when I say this, these last two chapters have not only been my favorite out of this fic, but out of all the stuff I've ever read from you. Despite a few pacing issue and grammatical mistakes, I thought you did a great job and I'm really excited for the next chapter. So, if it means you have to quit your job to get it out soon, you might have to make that sacrifice, because I'm ready and waiting buddy
What's the problem, too wussy to run a con on a pretty girl?"
I'm liking this bit where she's throwing everything in his face and getting pissed, but the quoted portion sounded weird to me. Jovi being who she is, I can't really see her referring to herself as pretty. It just kinda goes against what I believe her self image to be. Well, I'm sure she thinks she's good looking but I don't feel like she's the one to comment on it.
Gotegrim's black ball with his fancy gold and red decor emerged next from the terminal.
Luxury Ball?
"Then let's roll out."
Wow I'm getting excited lol
The essences of life itself didn't thrill him or drive his motivation to wake up in the morning.
I'll second that lol. You did a good job with that quoted portion. Mainly because so many fic's fall into this habit of the beauty of the world/the existentialism of different situations/etc but Marcus is just looking at it for what it is and that's it. I like it
"Now it’s pissed and on fire."
Hah! Nice...Sounds like something Dorian would say
Grab Torchman's ball and return him, please. Set up a Barrier, Then try and find Ga'hoole and Terminator."
Forgot the beginning quotes there
The first was an old grey Noctowl,
Ga'hoole? As in the Guardians of? Please tell me you've seen it so I'm not the only one in my age bracket that has haha
I have but my crystal and the sensory organ in my head, but it works on different principles than your own senses."
You should make a filler chapter that delves deeper into that. Seems like fun
Looking back on what I've written so far I noticed that I didn't have as many comments as I usually do for each of your chapters. So I reread it and my conclusion is that the situation with Janie took up most of the chapter and instead of dissecting each portion as I go along like usual, I found myself just enjoying it and following it quickly. The battle so far has been wonderfully done. I was just so entranced by it I literally could notice nothing else. Great work buddy
Chapter 34
Bozo's Sperman punch had stunted
Superman
the human and his Pokemon caught behind a dam as the sea of death poured over and all around them.
Really nice visual there. In my mind's eye I see them flowing purple and black as they shoot past lol. Since you're using 'dam' as a focusing mechanism for the tide of ghosts, I do think that the word 'river' would work a little bit better. It would go hand in hand with dam, as well as the fact that river of death sounds better to me than sea of death. Just my opinion though lol
, sent a ripping Razor Wind through the Haunter's
body.
Formatting issue
there
"And now you fall, Little Bird."
BAM! I'm rooting for Janie's side in all this, but that Haunter had a lot of menace laced in those words and I liked it quite a bit.
Duranium, Titanium, Eternium, Lead, Salt-Peter,
I swear, every single one of your chapters I find a word that I have to immediately look up lol. I've never heard of Duranium before so well done. Good inventiveness too with the Salt-Peter to keep the ghosts out, I wouldn't have thought of that
he couldn't hear a night-patrolman's screams in agony as a thousand flaming fangs like knives within the conglomerated body ripped through his flesh, stealing away his soul, and his essence.
Wow that was violent. You continue to surprise me. I've come to expect inventiveness, and wordiness, and comedy from you, but this brad of violence is extremely surprising. Don't get me wrong, I really dig it, but just wow. You're really cranking the **** up to eleven
the room they emerg
Needs a capital
TThe room was empty now
One T too many
"You can't. I did. He's dead. I shot him. He's dead. Let's try something a little more coherent, shall we?" Ghetsis said non-shalantly,
Beautiful wordplay there buddy. Fit extremely well with Ghetsis's personality and I'm just loving how serious this has gotten. First of all, **** Ben, and I'm glad he got what was coming to him, but even though Jovi's been captured she's been pretty good about it, but when ghetsis threatened Quorra I'm finally seeing her break and that I'm not too fond of.
I hope you take me seriously when I say this, these last two chapters have not only been my favorite out of this fic, but out of all the stuff I've ever read from you. Despite a few pacing issue and grammatical mistakes, I thought you did a great job and I'm really excited for the next chapter. So, if it means you have to quit your job to get it out soon, you might have to make that sacrifice, because I'm ready and waiting buddy