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Ash Ketchum is the Man (PG-13)(humor)

Discussion in 'Completed Fics' started by Unicorn, Mar 29, 2011.

  1. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    ((Note: This piece of fiction is only intended as humor. I actually love Ash Ketchum. It was just about time I wrote this))​

    Ash Ketchum is the Man
    (Alternatively titled: Confessions of an Immortal)​

    Pfft. Let’s just face it. I’m awesome. At the age of ten I took on eight gyms, the Pokemon League, and defeated my rival, who was a total dick. What did you do when you were ten? Stopped wetting the bed? Learned what puberty was? HA! I’m never getting any older so I won’t go through either of those things. Seriously, I’ve been the same age for last ten years. I’m immortal. I will never grow up. So while you’re sitting there writing your crappy fanfic, I’m sitting on my laurels. I told you I was awesome. I’ve gone from wanting to be the best trainer in the world to thinking that I am the best trainer in the world.

    Yeah, I’ve got it made. I released all of my most powerful Pokemon, or ditched them in some old guy’s laboratory. He’s probably using them for lab testing. Though he is old and senile, I bet he still knows how to dissect stuff. But who cares? I’m always going to have this stupid yellow rat with me. It’s been with me since the first day of my journey and even though it should be freakin’ powerful by now it still knows how to lose. Well, at least somebody is getting the point. I’m always trailed by three idiots who don’t know how to quit. The first one, the diva, how does she even get her hair to stay like that? The second one, I’m pretty sure he’s gay. I mean he’s got that sissy rose all the time. And the last one talks. That may not sound strange, but what if I told he’s a cat? YEAH. He’s a freakin’ cat.

    What was my original goal again? I was supposed to catch them all or something like that. Tch. Like I’m ever going to do that. Collect information for some stupid little device that makes fun of me? There’s over five hundred of those stupid creatures now. I used to talk about catching every Pokemon I saw, but now I don’t really care. I want everything to be free. Thanks but no thanks. I’ve got some butts to kick… or not kick. My rival thinks he’s all cool now. Seriously, where did all of his cheerleaders go and why aren’t they following me now? I think I deserve my own cheering squad for all the crap I’ve been through. And what did he do? Gave up on becoming a master so he could “research” Pokemon? What is there to research? The person writing this fan fiction already knows more than he does.

    Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon. My name is Ash Ketchum and I am the best trainer that ever lived. I will never die nor will I ever accomplish anything. My mom doesn’t care that I’m too young to be out in the world because she has a Mr. Mime for a husband. I don’t even want to know what they do when I’m not home. Does anyone know what happened to my dad? I think I was born of Immaculate Conception.

    I talk to strangers on a daily basis. I tend to make friends with people wherever I go, but I don’t really give a crap about them because I only see them once. Seriously, ninety percent of my life is filler episodes. Realistically, there’s probably a ton of pedophiles out there just waiting to kidnap me. I’m cute, right? If you’ve ever listened to Demetri Martin, then you’ll know that vests protect you from pretty girls. Yeah, I had Misty and May, and I guess that ugly chick, Dawn, but I’m ignorant. Who thinks about dating when they’re ten? My vest is probably the source of my immortality. It will forever protect me from growing up. I won’t ever know romance.

    “Squinty eyes,” on the other hand, has a false perception of reality. Swooning over every girl he meets? Sooner or later that’s not going to be funny anymore. Oh wait, it was never funny. I think I only liked the part where his ears were in pain. I don’t understand why he doesn’t look like Buddha by now. His ear lobes must be as long as the Eiffel Tower. And don’t get me started on his goal in life. A Pokemon Breeder? I don’t even want to go there. Skitty on Wailord anyone? Yeahhh.

    I’ve seen a lot of things in my time. I’ve met almost every single legendary Pokemon but I never seem to remember the events later. I’m not affected psychologically or anything. You’d think being kidnapped by my enemies, almost dying a few times (though I am immortal, let’s not forget), and having to save the world a few times would have some kind of effect on me. By all accounts I should be a hardened soul or a seasoned warrior. But no, I’m still a stupid ten year old.

    So there you have it. That’s my outline for all the reasons I’m awesome, and how you will never be me. My life is impossible and unattainable, yet I have achieved it. Can you? I don’t think so.
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2011
  2. ESPNfanatic35

    ESPNfanatic35 Catcher of Ubers

    *claps hands* Bravo! These eight small paragraphs could not sum up the anime any better. I absolutely love it! You had me rolling in laughter on the Mr. Mime husband thing and when he says "My goal was to catch them all? Yeah, like I'll ever do that!" I also like how you summed up the movies. Seriously, in every single one he almost dies, meets legendaries, and saves the world (or sometimes just the town, no biggie) and pretends like it never happens! Don't you think people would see him and be like, "Whoa, there's the guy who saved us all from an army of Pokemon clones taking over!" or "There's the guy who stopped three rampaging birds and a deadly storm!" Not even a thank you...Anyway, great job. I loved every bit of it!
  3. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    My thoughts exactly. Wouldn't people start to notice him after while? "The kid who saved the world... five times!" Or is eight now? I've lost count. Hahaha.

    Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. It needed to be shared.
  4. RoflLuxRay

    RoflLuxRay Pokemon Physiologist

    I will resume all of my thoughts on this particular work in just one single word, but before I do, allow me to congratulate you for such a master piece.

  5. ESPNfanatic35

    ESPNfanatic35 Catcher of Ubers

    Not to mention he's been on TV so many times in the Pokemon Leagues. He even went to the semi-finals in Sinnoh! He's saved the world AND he's a sports star. He should be as recognizable as Derek Jeter or Kobe Bryant!
  6. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    Totally. You'd think people would pay more attention to the guy who almost won a few times and saved everyone's butts more than once. But no. He's still a ten year old kid who has achieved nothing except collect pieces of metal.
  7. EonMaster One

    EonMaster One saeculum harmonia

    This is funny, awesome, and made of win - hands down. I especially like the part about the Immaculate Conception. I think that's actually a prerequisite in the Pokemon world, to have an absent or missing father. The only exception is the Gen. III protagonist, and hell, even (s)he has a dad that's a Gym Leader two towns over and is therefore never at home. You will probably know when the anime is about to end for good. That will be one of the doomsday signs.

    1. Ash finding or even being concerned about locating his father (it's never brought up; you'd think a 10-year-old boy would want to know where Dad is.)

    2. Ash actually giving some sort of attention to a girl that has a crush on him.

    3. Ash going somewhere and actually having a reputation before he arrives.

    and, most importantly,

    4. Ash actually being allowed to win a major tournament.

    Unfortunately, the makers of the anime don't seem to care about anyone except for 10-year-olds. Which makes me wonder how the anime will handle Team Plasma, who have to be by a long shot the least family-friendly villains in the franchise so far.
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2011
  8. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    I'm picturing N asking Ash to ride with him on the ferris wheel right now. Creepypasta anyone?
  9. Kutie Pie

    Kutie Pie 桜咲くこの坂を今も上っている

    Brilliant, a work of genius. I have always wondered this, but this, oh this explains everything. You have peaked my interest in the illogicality of Ash again by tickling it and making me agree 100% the whole entire time. Bravo!

    In fact, no words can describe this little ficlet. Ash pretty much told us everything in a nutshell, really. But I was pretty sure it was the hat and not so much the vest that makes him immortal. But meh.

    Kudos to you for "poking fun" of yourself and every one of us, it was nice xD. This totally needs to be a recommended read and immortalized. Which I suppose will double the immortality of Ash, but it's not like he would care.

    Because he's ASH KETCHUM.
  10. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    Tru dat, yo.
  11. maxximuscree

    maxximuscree Snorlax User

    the vest is the power LOL
  12. AwesomeZekrom

    AwesomeZekrom Co-Owner of pokegyms

    Wow nice story really liked that there really did sum up all the anime. Couldn't have found anything funnier.
  13. ESPNfanatic35

    ESPNfanatic35 Catcher of Ubers

    Or maybe he can ask Ash to play basketball with him but instead of a ball they can use his toy train.
  14. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    Yeah! And while they're at it, they can break the train set and render it useless. It's obviously more fun that way.
  15. Elision

    Elision Fall Apart.

    HAHA!This was really funny. I almost fell on the floor laughing.
    You are a genius.
  16. Unicorn

    Unicorn Neigh.

    Why thank you! Hahaha.
  17. Martin_

    Martin_ Adventure Seeker

    Actually in one of the mini episodes of a movie ash has a birthday party so he's eleven. Just thought I'd point this out.
    Work of genious by the way.
  18. ESPNfanatic35

    ESPNfanatic35 Catcher of Ubers

    I think in the first Black and White episode the narrator says he's ten though. I guess Ash found the Fountain of Youth and isn't sharing it with anyone else.
  19. Martin_

    Martin_ Adventure Seeker

    They probably decided to have him miraculously forget his birthday along with everyone else. Lol
  20. Ditto123

    Ditto123 ~Word~

    LOL. Easily the funniest thing I've ever read. My favorite part? I guess Mr. Mime and his mom o_O
    Didn't think of some of these before, but it's hilarious and true! I literally rofl'ed

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