Well, I'd say what this needs is to be slathered with description in the form of characterisation and atmosphere. 'Ash's father' is a topic that has been done a LOT of times before, so you need something that makes this story uniquely yours.
The point of adding this description is to help the readers to see what you see. How are the characters talking? Do their voices give away their thoughts/feelings? Is there background noise? Are they doing anything else as they talk on the phone? Putting in this background information helps to give your story depth and makes it easier for the reader to form a fuller picture of the scenery. Basically, it makes the story seem more 'real' to the reader - and this is a big step to
keeping readers. Cause most readers stop by to give things a look, but it takes something special to keep them coming back.
With regards to the technical issues, just be careful that you're leaving a space between words. There were a few slip ups, like here:
that need to be fixed. Oh, and remember that only the prologue of a story is allowed to be less than a page in Word. Any chapters shorter than that break the forum rules and can be closed by mods. Nevertheless, I can't see any spelling mistakes and you've neatly double spaced the speech. ^^ Well done there! It's formatting techniques like these that make a story easier to read. And, considering the shortness, you've created the suspense quite effectively - simple, but effective. Since you've only got one thing happening in your story, to leave it unfinished is a relatively powerful cliffhanger. Interesting. And nice work!
Anyway, this is way too short to tell how the rest is going to shape up. But even a beginning as brief as this has potential - put it to good use! Just remember to flesh out the story with plenty of description about the way the characters speak and behave - oh, and be careful with spacing words!. ^^ Good luck and fun to you!
Piney.
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