So I wrote this review yesterday, before the release of the second chapter. Consequently, it really only contains my thoughts there, rather than anything afterwards. I might go back and read the second chapter as well, but that'll come later.
Just so you know, you'll want to avoid opening a story like this because it sounds like you'd be unreceptive to constructive criticism. Fanfiction is pretty much a hobby for
anyone (given the fact that you can't make money off of it legally), but the entire reason why someone would post it to a writing community is to get feedback from the masses. Otherwise, there's be no point in showing a bunch of complete strangers your work because if you were just writing for yourself, you'd get the same enjoyment out of keeping it in a notebook. Showing it to complete strangers just means that the complete strangers will pop in and say whatever comes to mind when they read your work. I'm not saying you didn't already know that, of course. Maybe you do. I'm just saying that it's not a good idea to make the reader think you're closed to concrit or that you're not putting a whole lot of effort into this work. (That's the other unfortunate implication of saying that you're not going for twenty Newburies.)
Tl;dr, everyone's doing this as a hobby, and no one's going after prestigious writing awards. It's just that it's usually not a good idea to open your fic by saying that.
But that's neither here nor there, and in the end, I'm putting that out of my mind. I'm just bringing that up as a heads up.
With that said, let me just jump right in and say that you start off with zombie Pokémon.
Zombie.
Pokémon.
Now, I love fics that bring something new and different to the table and isn't just another journey fic/shipping fic/attempt at comedy/whatever happens to be the current trend of the fandom, and I love zombie flicks. So right away, you caught my attention by combining both of those into one interesting opening: a showdown between Silver (equipped with Blue's undead Raticate) and the police.
****ing.
Zombies. Enough said.
I just had to point this out to high five you for avoiding a problem a lot of newbie authors fall into. For your first fic, your description isn't actually half bad. You understand that it makes a scene sound more dynamic (if that even makes sense) if you blend details in with the action, and in instances like these, you let the description work for you. Not only can we picture Silver a little better, but we can get the feeling that this is one powerful Raticate using a bunch of pretty awesome Hyper Beams if his hair's flying just from its
power.
Meanwhile, I'd recommend reading your work aloud to iron out minor glitches. That way, you can take your work to the next level. For example, the "up" after "Pokémon" isn't necessary here. Notice how you already have that word right after "blew"? It actually works better over there so you don't split up the phrase.
Then, the next one's up to you. Personally, I think the second sentence sounds better if you say "the winner" to make the phrase less generic and less of a fragment.
Third, semicolons are really tricky to figure out. If it helps,
this is both a hilarious guide and one of the best you can find on the subject. It'll help clear things up with visuals that might help you out. (But in general, as a rule of thumb, semicolons are used in compound sentences if the conjunction – but, in this case – isn't present. There's other instances too that the guide also explains, but that's really the most common.)
Reading your work aloud also helps you avoid strange phrasings. In this case, the phrasing of the second half of the sentence is just completely odd. The comma before the conjunction (but) makes this read as a compound sentence, but the second half is a fragment. Then, if we don't read it as a compound sentence, then the lack of symmetry causes "replaced" to mean pretty much nothing at all. The reason why is because if you have a conjunction in a sentence, both halves needs to have some sense of symmetry because you're telling a reader that either half could be omitted to have the rest make sense. In other words, this is what you're actually saying:
Boss Rocket grimaced at the sight of the old boss' son.
Boss Rocket replaced by a smirk when Silver placed the Spirit Ball on his desk.
It also helps to think of it like this: grimaced is a verb, not a noun, which means that the word "replaced" can't take it as a subject. That means that "replaced" has no subject at all.
Of course, I understood what you meant. It's just odd structuring that might seem a little more than off to someone else.
Don't do this. I know Missingno Master does it, but it really is bad form, especially in a fic that's meant to be taken seriously. (Yours could swing either way, especially when you bring up Chuck Norris, but largely, it reads as if it's not trying to be ridiculous to MM's levels.) The reason why is because it's very jarring to see, and it forces the reader to stop what they're doing in order to click on the link and figure out what you mean. As a result, it breaks their momentum, which means they're taken out of your world briefly.
If you want to link to a song to say something like "hey this is the song that I'm referring to later on; click on it and keep it in mind while reading," I'd suggest doing it in an author's note at the beginning, before you get into your chapter. That way, your reader can listen to it in the background while they read or pause it and decide to play it at an appropriate point, depending on their preference.
Macarena's always capitalized.
Unfortunately. o_x Oh, 90's flashbacks.
(If it helps, just remember that the dance is actually named after a woman. So, think of it as being the name of a person, and you'll be able to keep that in mind.)
Also as a rule of thumb, whenever you put a comma in a sentence before a conjunction (and, but, or, nor, for, yet so) try replacing it and said conjunction with a period. If you get two sentences as a result, keep the comma. If not, drop it. The reason why is because not all conjunctions signal a compound sentence (a sentence that needs a comma to separate two ideas). So in a lot of instances, the comma serves no purpose and actually splits up a dependent clause (sentence fragment) from an independent clause.
First note: Putting a dollar sign in front of a number will cause the phrase to read "100 dollars" anyway, so you're actually saying "100 dollars PokéDollars" here.
Second note: Dialogue is always really tricky to punctuate. In this case, because the dialogue tag is happening mid-sentence, you'll actually need to follow "PokéDollars" with a comma and not a period because you want to signal to the reader that the sentence doesn't end right there.
This guide might help explain things a bit better.
But I will say, either way, that I'm entertained by this bet.
Always be careful about your paragraphing, and don't mix characters' interactions with other characters' dialogue. In other words, if one character does something, you'll want to start a new paragraph if the other character speaks.
For example, in this case, it's unclear who said, "Bring it on!" The reason why is because you start the paragraph off with something Silver does, which causes the phrase to read as if Silver's saying it. However, Miror B. steps up to do something and concludes the paragraph with his own dialogue, which means the speaker of that first line is completely ambiguous. I'm thinking you meant to have Miror B. say it because he's definitely the speaker of the quote at the end of the paragraph, but it could also be that Silver is saying it and that you meant to have a paragraph break right after that. (That possibility's also enforced by the fact that he's the one who sent out a Pokémon first.)
The first paragraph is an example of what you should do when it comes to description; the second is the kind of thing you'll want to avoid as you improve. The reason why is because if you just leave everything as "Pokémon used Move," then the readers can't really visualize what's going on. Yes, they know what these attacks look like in canon, but it doesn't really help them get into your world and feel as if they're watching this epic battle in progress. It's always a good idea to describe the move in detail somewhere along the line. If you must identify it by name, you can do so either after the description or through the mouth of a trainer.
So as an even clearer example, the first paragraph really works because the reader can imagine the jet of scalding, steaming water flying towards Crobat, and they can envision poison seeping out of pores to coat the wing. (Of course, it might work a bit differently according to your own headcanon, but that's how I'm picturing it.) After that, we can see Crobat diving at Ludicolo to strike it with a wing. It could be a bit more detailed to bring out what's going on, but it's definitely a good start.
Either way, though, I'm super-amused by the fact that Ludicolo went down in one hit, and I'm equally amused by Miror B's reaction. I'm not too familiar with how Miror B acts in XD (and therefore, post-canon), so I'm not sure if that's true to his character or not. Still, it was amusing, and that's all that really matters at this point.
I have to ask. Is this game-verse Red or Special-verse Red? Because if this is game-verse Red, then I'm extremely amused by the thought of him yelling, which is to say that's probably not particularly in-character for him. I can see Special-verse Red yelling, however, but to be honest, I'm not as familiar with the manga as I should be.
Meanwhile, if it's an OC named Red, you'll want to be careful. Same thing goes with Silver, who actually outright expressed in the games the fact that he would never join Team Rocket. It's generally frowned upon to take canon characters and turn them into OCs (original characters – as in, characters that you created yourself) because the practice really misses the point of who those characters are. That and it just doesn't make sense. Using characters as a vessel for your own creations means that their personalities don't matter as much. Those same characters can be replaced, and the entire plot wouldn't be affected. In the end, it could reflect badly on your characterization because it implies that you're either not brave enough to come up with an OC from scratch or that you can't be arsed to research the characters. Not saying that you're either. Just saying that a reader could jump to those conclusions, especially given the fact that Silver and Red are both immensely popular with fanon that's pretty ingrained in the fandom to the point where going against it is a lot like saying Ash is a scientific genius.
Insert mental image of trollface Gengar here. I already like this Gengar.
Wat.
Seriously, though, it seems like you've got a one-off joke here that feels a little unnecessary, especially with how brief the rest of the sentence is. I mean, I think the reference is cool, but with how fast this paragraph is going, it's hard to really appreciate it. The phrase "Chuck Norris" is just deserving of absolute magnificence. Probably a few angels descending. And maybe a lengthy description about beards. But in any case, yeah, it feels like you brought it up but didn't really take full advantage of it.
In fact, "the gym leader" sort of feels a little tacked on. This goes especially for the fact that Chuck isn't the only gym leader in Johto, and they're not in Cianwood. So, it's rather strange that you'd need to clarify that he's a gym leader, meaning the Chuck Norris joke seems a little pointless because it's like you're saying, "Here's a joke! NO WAIT, TAKING IT BACK FOR SERIOUSNESS!" I'm not sure how to clarify this a bit more because I know this doesn't make perfect sense, but I think the best way to say it is that the Chuck Norris joke feels like it's being cut short because you feel the need to clarify things for the reader. So, silliness is dropped in lieu of serious explaining.
I also sort of have to headdesk at the reference to someone else's fic (within the same fandom, in any case – cross-fandom usually ends up being pop culture references) because I'm always uncomfortable with ideas that are taken out of context and put to use in a completely different setting, especially if you didn't get permission to do it. The reason why is because it causes your work to seem a little less creative because you didn't really come up with the idea yourself. (And in some cases, it also has the unfortunate implication of trying to force something that you found funny in another fic to conform to your context. In other words, it just doesn't end up saying good things about what you're doing.)
I'd say insert "Chuck's" in front of "Hitmonchan" in order to clarify that the Primeape is Gold's. Otherwise, probably because I got focused on the phrase "Chuck Norris," I first assumed that the Primeape was Chuck's instead.
Now, don't get me wrong. I do see a lot of potential here, and hey, I can't argue with zombie Pokémon. In fact, I have to reiterate for the umpteenth time. It's an awesome premise. (Zombie. Pokémon. Enough said.) It's just that the delivery could use a bit of tweaking.
For one, I sort of felt that the canon characters you were using were slightly OOC – Silver and Red, at least; Gold and Chuck didn't get too much detail yet, while I'm never sure about Miror B's characterization. While it works for Adventure of Adventureness, the main issue with this fic is that it teeters between trying to take itself seriously (with a focus on epic battles and the badassery of the characters involved) and not (the Chuck Norris jokes and reference to MM's fic in general). You tended to rush towards the end of the first chapter, so you didn't really have time to dwell on any of those jokes (especially the Chuck Norris one), so it just feels like off-handed references rather than something we should be laughing at.
Moreover, there were also a few issues in terms of grammar, and on top of that, the description tended to be inconsistent. Don't settle for "Pokémon used Move," and always remember to be careful about proofreading, even if you're doing this as a hobby. The smoother the style, the easier it is for
everyone to get into your writing. (Also, as a minor but related side note, you may want to look into getting your title fixed. Because your title is an advertisement for the kind of quality a reader would expect to find in the actual story, misspelling it is usually not a good sign to them.)
That said, not too bad. I'll keep an eye on this one because of its premise.
