Barry? What happened to him?

[AbsolKnight66]

For all of you who are wondering what happened to BArry in Platinum, here's a story telling all about it.

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Ch. 1: The Leaving, The Battle, The Lab,​

“Lucario, use Dragon Pulse!” Cynthia yelled. The Aura Pokemon jumped with incredible agility, and launches a powerful blue sphere at my Floatzel. “Floatzel, quick! Use Aqua Jet while spinning!” I ordered. My Floatzel jetted at the Aura Pokemon, hitting it at full power. Lucario couldn’t battle anymore, and Cynthia knew that. “A few minutes ago, you were the most powerful challenger. Now, you are the most powerful Trainer. You are our new Champion!” Cynthia exclaimed, and took me on a lift to the Hall of Fame.

I woke up in my bed, almost thinking the dream was real. “I did it…” I said. “Oh, it was just a dream. Well, I can start my dream, because I’m getting my Pokemon today!” I reassured myself. I rushed downstairs, gobbled down breakfast, and I was off before my mom could say anything. I looked into my bag to see if I had my Trainer Card. But before going to get my Pokemon, I hurried to Lucas’ house. Lucas opened the door, as ready as I was. “I see you’re ready.” I smiled. “Yup. Let’s go.” Lucas replied, also smiling. We walked toward Route 201, chatting before we noticed that a wild Starly confronted us! “Ah! It’s a Pokemon!” Lucas screamed. Prof. Rowan was nearby, and heard him. “Shh! Be calm, and it won’t harm us.” I said to Lucas, covering his mouth with my hand. Then, the Starly flew off. “I say…you do know what to do when the situation like this occured…” a voice said to us.
“Who are you?” I asked him, turning around. Lucas did the same. “I am Prof. Rowan. I give out Trainers their starter Pokemon.” he explained. “Great. We’re two 10-year old boys, and we’re looking for our first starter Pokemon.” I said. “Well, you look ready, considering you knew what to do when that Starly was confronting you.” Rowan said, leading us to Lake Verity. “Dawn!” Rowan called. A young girl, same age as us, walked up to him with a briefcase. Rowan took out three similar Poke balls. “Here. Inside are three very different Pokemon. I’m sorry that I don’t have the usual Sinnoh Starters, but I have three special Hoenn ones.” Rowan explained, holding out the Poke balls to us. “That’s okay. I’ll choose Treecko.” I said, taking Treecko’s Poke ball. “Then I’ll choose Torchic.” Lucas said, clearly seeing the type advantage. “You just did that to beat me.” I whispered to him, smiling. “Yep.” he whispered back. “Well, you two, meet me in my lab sometime, and I’ll give you two something special.” Rowan said. Then, he and Dawn left. I looked at Lucas, and he looked at me. We were both thinking the same thing. “Pokemon battle!” we both said at the same time. I got on one side of the Route, and he got on the other. “Go, Treecko!” I called, throwing the Poke ball. “Go! Torchic!” Lucas said, also throwing the ball. The two Pokemon appeared, ready for battle. “Treecko, use Quick Attack!” I ordered. Treecko dashed at an amazing speed, and hit Torchic square in the body. “Torchic, quick! Use Ember!” Lucas ordered. Red flames spewed out of Torchic’s mouth, and were headed at Treecko. “Treecko, quick! Jump on a tree, and then use Pursuit!” I quickly retorted. The tree Pokemon jumped in a tree, obscure from sight, and then suddenly jumped behind Torchic, slamming into its hand into its back. Torchic stumbled backwards, but was still able to battle. “Torchic, now, use Peck!” Lucas hastily ordered, not wanting to lose this battle. The Blaze Pokemon’s beak started to glow white, and at great speed, it headed towards Treecko, hitting it square in the face. “Treecko!” I said, as it went flying through the air, landing on the ground with a thud. However, with great determination, Treecko barely got up. Torchic and Lucas were shocked, as it survived a powerful attack. “Treecko, now, use Quick Attack!” I ordered. Treecko at a great speed, knocked into Torchic, causing it to be unconscious, which made it unable to battle. “Great job, Treecko!” I said, dancing along with it. Then, it jumped on my shoulder. I could tell we would be great friends. But Lucas was in a mad mood. “Torchic! You weak Pokemon!” he screamed at the red cheeked Torchic. Torchic started to cry, which made Lucas even more angrier. “Eat this!” Lucas said, and then he picked up a rock. He flung it at the Torchic, but luckily Treecko was able to block the rock. “Lucas! What are you doing?!” I yelled at him. Suddenly, he regained his senses, and started to apologize to Torchic. “Sorry, pal. I was just upset about losing the battle.” Lucas explained. Torchic smiled, and hopped on his shoulder. “Let’s go home, my friend.” I said, and we did.
We both decided to talk to our moms at Lucas’ house. They agreed, and we all met there. “Wow…you two are really happy having Pokemon, right?” my mom asked. “Yup. And we love them.” I said, showing her my Treecko. Lucas agreed with me. “Well, as long as your Pokemon are with you, you are allowed to journey.” Lucas’ mom said. All of us agreed on that, and then they kissed us good-bye. Then, I remembered something. “Professor Rowan’s lab! We have to go there, he needed to give something to us!” I explained to him, and then I grabbed his hand, and ran off into the wild grass. “Well, we have to go there…Ahhh!” Lucas screamed, and he saw a Starly and a Bidoof confront us. “Lucas don’t worry! You get the brown thing, and I’ll get this…errr….Starly! Go, Treecko!” I said, and Treecko jumped off my shoulder, as Lucas commanded Torchic to. “Torchic, use Ember!” Lucas said. “Treecko, use Quick Attack!” I commanded. The Starly was knocked out in one hit, and so was the Bidoof. Then, we made it to the Professor’s lab.
“Welcome err…..Lucas and Barry was it? Come inside.” Rowan said from Sandgem Town, and he brought us inside the lab. He had an old music player, and it was playing. “I need you two to help fill me in on information about Pokemon in the Selbador Region. To do that, you must collect data from using the Pokedex.” explained Rowan, handing us the dexters. “Now, I also give you Poke balls to catch Pokemon.” Rowan said, also handing out Poke balls. “However, Barry, I want to give you something. It’s a little gift.” Rowan said, handing me an egg. The egg was blue, and a pale yellow. “Now go, you two. Your adventure awaits you!” he said, and then Dawn took my hand, and took me outside the lab. “Hi, I’m Dawn.” she said, and she took me to a Pokemon Center. “This is a Pokemon Center. You can heal all your Pokemon up here. And at the Poke Mart, you can buy certain items. By the way, did you two tell your family that you’re leaving?” she asked. We both nodded. “Alright, good. Now, I’ll be seeing you in Jubilife City!” Dawn said, and she ran off towards Jubilife. “You’re lucky you got that egg. It must be pretty special.” Lucas said, looking at the egg. “Its blue and white, That’s really cool.” he added. “I wonder what it’ll hatch into? I wonder what kind of Pokemon?” I replied. And I carried the egg throughout the rest of the route.

 

[GlaceonLover1]

Wow.

That's really all I can say about it. It's got a real good storyline, and I am quite jealous that I don't have your storywriting skills. I think if you don't mush the next parts of the story then many more readers will be intrested in your story.

 

[Llama_Guy]

Remember, paragraphs are important. everytime someone talks, and everytime something new happens. Examples:

“Lucario, use Dragon Pulse!” Cynthia yelled. The Aura Pokemon jumped with incredible agility, and launches a powerful blue sphere at my Floatzel.

“Floatzel, quick! Use Aqua Jet while spinning!” I ordered. My Floatzel jetted at the Aura Pokemon, hitting it at full power. Lucario couldn’t battle anymore, and Cynthia knew that.

“A few minutes ago, you were the most powerful challenger. Now, you are the most powerful Trainer. You are our new Champion!” Cynthia exclaimed, and took me on a lift to the Hall of Fame.

I woke up in my bed, almost thinking the dream was real. “I did it…” I said. “Oh, it was just a dream. Well, I can start my dream, because I’m getting my Pokemon today!” I reassured myself.

I rushed downstairs, gobbled down breakfast, and I was off before my mom could say anything. I looked into my bag to see if I had my Trainer Card. But before going to get my Pokemon, I hurried to Lucas’ house. Lucas opened the door, as ready as I was.

“I see you’re ready.” I smiled.

“Yup. Let’s go.” Lucas replied, also smiling.

We walked toward Route 201, chatting before we noticed that a wild Starly confronted us!

“Ah! It’s a Pokemon!” Lucas screamed. Prof. Rowan was nearby, and heard him.

“Shh! Be calm, and it won’t harm us.” I said to Lucas, covering his mouth with my hand. Then, the Starly flew off.

“I say…you do know what to do when the situation like this occured…” a voice said to us.

And so on.

On to your story!

“Lucario, use Dragon Pulse!” Cynthia yelled. The Aura Pokemon jumped with incredible agility, and launches a powerful blue sphere at my Floatzel.

“Floatzel, quick! Use Aqua Jet while spinning!” I ordered. My Floatzel jetted at the Aura Pokemon, hitting it at full power. Lucario couldn’t battle anymore, and Cynthia knew that.

“A few minutes ago, you were the most powerful challenger. Now, you are the most powerful Trainer. You are our new Champion!” Cynthia exclaimed, and took me on a lift to the Hall of Fame.

First of all, verb confusion with launches; should be launched. Also, the spinning Aqua Jet is afaik something Ash (or Dawn?) came up with. Why would he randomly know it? Even though it is a dream?

Also, the description is rather empty here; Cynthia's line is flat and scripted, and there's not a lot of description elsewhere. Then again, it is a dream, which aren't always detailed. But a lack of description doesn't mean that it turns out well as much as how you use the description. Dreams however are very hard to do well.

I woke up in my bed, almost thinking the dream was real. “I did it…” I said. “Oh, it was just a dream. Well, I can start my dream, because I’m getting my Pokemon today!” I reassured myself.

I rushed downstairs, gobbled down breakfast, and I was off before my mom could say anything. I looked into my bag to see if I had my Trainer Card. But before going to get my Pokemon, I hurried to Lucas’ house. Lucas opened the door, as ready as I was.

No, no and no. Sure, Barry rushes, and it's first person, but that doesn't excuse the lack of description of, well, anything at all =/ It's like, "Oh, hey, I realized I can get a pokemon today, then I rushed down, did this, didn't bother to say bye even when I'm leaving for a long journey, and suddenly I'm at my friend's"

Take some time to flesh out things, even though it's first person and a... speedy person you're writing. He does have some thoughts. Like, missing his mom? The fact that he'll not see his home for god knows how long? And even Barry should be able to observe some things around him. Like, the weather was nice or something.

I woke up in bed, the feeling that my dream was real was strong. Unfortunately, it was not. Well, not that it would matter; after all I was starting my journey today, facing trainers, gyms and the Elite Four. I'd crash down on them like a storm, and before they knew it I'd be a pokemon master!

I literally jumped out of bed, ready for today. I had put my clothes on last night, so I wouldn't have to waste time today. I darted for the room door, rushed through the hallway, floor thudding and staircase rattling when I got so far. I headed for the kitchen; my breakfast was also prepared last night - by me, Mom thought i should take it easier at times -, so I started eating. Munching the two slices of loaf down, I headed for the door, slipped into my shoes - lace-less; I didn't have the time to tie laces - in fact I had never taken the time to learn it -, and headed for the door.

"Barry--"

"Bye!" I shouted into the room, not taking the time to wait for Mom; she always got stupidly sentimental and wasted heaps of time gibbering.

And you can go on like that, when he goes out, heads for Lucas' house, and the fic as a whole. Flesh it out, and take more advantage of first-person.

Which by the way is something you must do more of. This could've easily been third-person with no change in effect - when writing first-person, take advantage of the fact that you can personalize the storytelling, adapt it to your character and truly make it seem like it's a character who's telling it all. I left some traces of it in my example; the constant small additions to the sentences, for example, someone who does things fast often has these little "additions", if we could call it so, to their thoughts, behaviour and speech.

If you can't adapt the story-telling well enough to first-person, you might as well write it in third-person; that would seem more natural if you don't take advantage of first-person.

I got on one side of the Route, and he got on the other.

Oh, really? A route is vastly large, often several days of walking from one end to another. Even tough 201 is small, that's stretching it a wee tad too far.

The pokémon fight was nicely done, could somewhat envision it. However, would Barry perceive thing like he did? It would be interesting if you added things like when treecko used quick attack, it would disappear from his sight. And the emotions in general were rather absent. It's Barry's Battle, from his point of view. It is not an observer watching it, so build in Barry's feelings during the battle. And also, his way of battling should perhaps be more rushed; his impatience should bloom during battles. Again, this falls back on using first-person aptly.

Two things so far I really feel like mentioning however - why did Rowan randomly not have Sinnoh starters but Hoenn starters? That's too random and special; he should always have some (it is repeatedly shown that the professors always have the three starter pokemon ready when a new trainer arrives, and they even have breeders working for them. don't see how he should not be able to get some quickly even if he did not have them in handy).

And Treecko having Pursuit right from when it's handed out? You're walking the Mary Sue/Gary Stu line here.

An when Lucas randomly starts being too mean, where's Barry's reactions to it? His thoughts? You just have him say a few things, but his thoughts are imperative here and should be delved into quite extensively; especially since it's first-person. We need to see more than dialogue; we need to see a person behind it, too.

“Lucas! What are you doing?!” I yelled at him. Suddenly, he regained his senses, and started to apologize to Torchic. “Sorry, pal. I was just upset about losing the battle.” Lucas explained. Torchic smiled, and hopped on his shoulder. “Let’s go home, my friend.” I said, and we did.

Oh, no you didn't. He did something that radical and suddenly turned around. Sure, he's not at all a very old or mature person, but that turnaround - sudden turnaround, is just too random and doesn't even feature some reactions or anything from Lucas' side (you could have Barry seeing Lucas' facial reactions and from that the reader could understand that he was thinking, considering, and then deciding he was wrong. It requires much more extensive build-up.

Another thing is that the start is very, very much like the games. Even though you seem to base it off the games, you should take a few liberties (that does not include randomly getting foreign starters). This include them getting a pokedex (why are two kids randomly being "hired" to gather data anyway?), and the egg being given to Barry for no apparent reason.

And the... Selbador region?

To summarize:

These are the problems:
- Lacking description - people always observe something, think something. Lacks that.
- Lacking character - they're all dialogue and no emotion
- Lacking full utilization of first-person - show us that Barry tells his own story.
- Gary Stu tendencies - special starters, pokedex for no apparent reason, pokemon egg
- Too much game-like with the start - and very clichéed for journey fics.

Good thing:
- The fighting part of the battle was done quite decently.

You have a lot to work on to get this good, and I wish you good luck in doing so =)

 

[Goldenrod]

That was good! I noticed something about the last part though. It says the egg was yellow, then it says "It's blue and white!" Might want to fix that.