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Battle of the Masters

sliferquaza

Queen of Games
This is my 1st fan fic and I hope that everyone enjoys it. To be on the safe side I’m rating this fic PG: 13 for Roni’s behavior (she becomes a little violent sometimes) Nothing too graphic but I’m not taking any chances so here’s my fic Battle of the Masters! Enjoy!

Prologue

Now everyone in the Forest of Celebi knows the Legend of The Pokemon Guardian.
She took care of sick, injured, and abandoned pokemon. Elisa was here name and when she became a trainer at the age of ten saving and protecting pokemon came to her like a sixth sense. Through her whole journey she did just that, she took on Team Rocket, Team Aqua and Magma, Even all of the teams at once. The village elder told Elisa that all three teams joined forces to capture Celebi and Suicune. Elisa said. She knew if they captured by them the whole world could be in danger. Elisa and her pokemon fought against the team and defeated them all. Even though the battles were hard, Elisa protected the forest and all that inhabited it.

Celebi gave Elisa a clear blue stone.Even though she didn't know it, the stone was made from the tears of a Lugia. Elisa thanked them for trusting her and for the beautiful stone. Then Celebi and Suicune left never to be seen by any other human again. Elisa became the village hero and soon to be a story past down to all the children who lived in the village. There was even a statue of her made in her honor with the blue stone around the statue’s neck. What no one knew was that the stone that Celebi gave her would now carry her spirit until someone with the same heart of purity she did came to unleash her spirit to protect the pokemon once more.

Speaking of legends there’s also the legend of the Pharaoh’s servant. Before the pharaoh we know was even born the pharaoh’s father not only had the seven priests, but also his army wasn’t nothing to laugh about either. One his most loyal warriors wasn’t even a man. A girl named Roni was a high tempered fighter she always wanted to be in the pharaoh’s army since she was little. She was a good warrior and took care of business when she had too. She left the city and for a while, twenty years to be exact. (For reasons no one knew.) When she returned she found out about there was a new pharaoh.

Then she had a discussion with the new pharaoh and told him why she left and the pharaoh understood everything and let her rejoin and become a warrior once more. And when the time came for the pharaoh to choose an apprentice he knew whom he wanted. Roni became an apprentice and did her country proud.

When her rule as queen ended the spell casters made a new Millennium Item it looks like a crossover between the key and ring. The legend says that just like the other items the item chooses the master and will obtain the spirit of the pharaoh’s apprentice.

Present day these two different sides have no idea of the other’s existence. Now with all these new ways of life appearing throughout the world someone has gotten the gull to attempt to destroy both worlds, so they’ll have to team up or both of their worlds will be in grave danger.

Thanks for reading I hope you like it! I'll post chapter 1 ASAP!;380;
 

Mimori Kiryu

Well-Known Member
Well, first, I'm going to say that I'm proud you've posted your first story here! ^^ Here. I'll quote somethings you need to fix and some things I liked :D

sliferquaza said:
Now everyone in the Forest of Celebi knows the Legend of The Pokemon Guardian.
She took care of sick, injured, and abandoned pokemon. Elisa was here name and when she became a trainer at the age of ten saving and protecting pokemon came to her like a sixth sense. Through her whole journey she did just that, she took on Team Rocket, Team Aqua and Magma, Even all of the teams at once. The village elder told Elisa that all three teams joined forces to capture Celebi and Suicune. Elisa said. She knew if they captured by them the whole world could be in danger. Elisa and her pokemon fought against the team and defeated them all. Even though the battles were hard, Elisa protected the forest and all that inhabited it.

Okay, that was interesting, but you should leave some information possibly a bit mysterious out or input some more information about the actual battles they have. Giving everything out really fast could drive readers away and we don't want that.

Also, where it's bolded, that's not a sentence, you need to actually have Elisa speak or you need a comma there.

Celebi gave Elisa a clear blue stone. Even though she didn't know it, the stone was made from the tears of a Lugia. Elisa thanked them for trusting her and for the beautiful stone. Then Celebi and Suicune left never to be seen by any other human again.

Alright, the last sentence kind of confuses me. Celebi and Suicune left and was never seen again? Wouldn't you think if they trusted her enough that they would show themselves again? @_@ Just be a little more clear, okay?

Elisa became the village hero and soon to be a story past down to all the children who lived in the village. There was even a statue of her made in her honor with the blue stone around the statue’s neck. What no one knew was that the stone that Celebi gave her would now carry her spirit until someone with the same heart of purity she did came to unleash her spirit to protect the pokemon once more.

I do like that you have it where the village honors her. And I do like the fact her spirit to another human hero. That's good.

Speaking of legends there’s also the legend of the Pharaoh’s servant.

This is weird I got confused. How did it go from a Pokemon hero to a Pharoah? @_@

Before the pharaoh we know was even born the pharaoh’s father not only had the seven priests, but also his army wasn’t nothing to laugh about either. One his most loyal warriors wasn’t even a man. A girl named Roni was a high tempered fighter she always wanted to be in the pharaoh’s army since she was little. She was a good warrior and took care of business when she had too. She left the city and for a while, twenty years to be exact. (For reasons no one knew.) When she returned she found out about there was a new pharaoh.

Are you going to describe the reasons why she left later in the story? If not, saying that no one knew is kind of redundant here. ^^ I do like the description you gave her. Maybe describing her features would be good as well. For her and for Elisa.

Then she had a discussion with the new pharaoh and told him why she left and the pharaoh understood everything and let her rejoin and become a warrior once more. And when the time came for the pharaoh to choose an apprentice he knew whom he wanted. Roni became an apprentice and did her country proud.

When her rule as queen ended the spell casters made a new Millennium Item it looks like a crossover between the key and ring. The legend says that just like the other items the item chooses the master and will obtain the spirit of the pharaoh’s apprentice.

Oh, I get it. Is this a Pokemon/Yu-Gi-Oh crossover? That makes more sense now. These paragraphs are doing alright..maybe more description?

Present day these two different sides have no idea of the other’s existence. Now with all these new ways of life appearing throughout the world someone has gotten the gull to attempt to destroy both worlds, so they’ll have to team up or both of their worlds will be in grave danger.

This was my favorite paragraph. Although, I do think it would've been better to reveal that this was a crossover possibly before hand. Other than that, I'm enjoying this story. Keep up the awesome work and I'll look forward to Chapter One ^^
 

Hidden Mew

Fog Trainer
A great start to a great story. I thought that the information was given out quickly, but there could be more to found out as the story goes on. The details were a bit small, but it is only the prologue. I thought that it was so cool that Elisa was honored so much for helping out pokemon. Roni sounds a lot like someone I know. *hint, hint* I love the whole Pokemon and Yu-Gi-Oh! crossover. My two favorite animes in one story. I'm looking foreword to reading chapter one.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
Guh. This story is horribly mary sue. Not only does the main character get to see Celebi, and I assume Suicune, she recives an item made from Lugia tears. She knows a pharoh and marries him too? I'm sorry, but that horrible character snag is probably going to cause your story to be torn apart. As not only does it hint your characters can be two dimensional nit wits. It hints this is a Yami/YugixOC fic.

And I've seen enough of them to know that Yami/YugixOC never ends well, and is always horribly Out Of Character for the characters.
 
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