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Beautiful Day- Poem

F

Flaming Lip

.
This ones a bit long... I don't know... I just had a lot of thoughts in my mind when I wrote it. Not so planned, not so much focus on rythem, some ryhming...
I think its just to busy. To many concepts I tried to cover. Anyway, enjoy. ~

Another cycle begins, up and down the hill

This race seems worthless now,

But I’ve little to do but harden my will

And brace for the coming wind

I wonder how many beautiful lives have been wasted

On this suicidal ride up to heaven and back again,

Perhaps by staring, searching for something to seek,

I will learn the unknown and these wounds shall mend


So it seems, there’s nothing left to hide nothing left to find but a taste of the greater days

Don’t you know, in every path, at every turn, the world waits to haunt you?

Being alone, far from home, is it haunting in its own cruel way?

Is it the alienation that drives to such extremes,

Opening up once sealed seams,

Making us dream our crazy dreams?

Must our crossing paths be so deceiving, Byzantine?

Must the world keep spinning on leaving us in the cold?

Why do we have such little time before we grow old?

Is it too much to ask for more?

I’m so war-torn and sore,

I’ve forgotten what I’m fighting for.

And it’s a beautiful day,

I hear the mad man say

‘Why must we waste away?’​
 
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H

HB5squared

I'm Back
I agreee with you that you tried to fit too much in here. It makes it hard to follow and it makes it seem choppy, I can invision what you were doing, your mind was flooded with ideas so you tried to write/type them as quick as possible and ended up like this...

In a sick/twisted way, I liked it oddly. It seems clustered with way too many ideas packed into one, perhaps you should expand and write two poems instead of just this one, concentrating on rhythm a little more.

Overall... Good!
 
F

Flaming Lip

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Thanks

I do agree. I suppose this is because I haven't written poetry in a bit... I'm kinda out of practice. This happens to me a lot... Try to post a poem, not quite so good... Though I do hope to try to get back into porgress and be as active in posting poetry as I used to be. I've tried, but I always end up going through a period of inactivity.
 
Kutie Pie

Kutie Pie

"It is my destiny."
Aww, I liked it. *hugs and hands cookie*

Ah yes, what a beautiful day. I don't want to waste away, I just want to enjoy it all. You sure do capture many peoples' feelings. And you put yourself in it, eh? Sneaky.

Loved it! Can't wait for more!

~~~~~~~~~
♥Kutie Pie♥ Please be kind to midgets!
 
B

billy5772

SENIOR
Blaaagh! I thought it was cool.

The first stanza evokes the image of Sisyphus perpetually pushing a boulder up a hill only for it to fall back down again. You kinda talkin' about the pointlessness that makes the narrator's life hell?

After that, I apologize, but I don't have any other insight into this poem. Except maybe the interesting contrast between the idea of looking back on "greater days" while at the same time convincing us that life is miserable. I really just don't know. Could you explain some of the other things you were trying to say?
 
S

SpaceFlare

insert custom title
One word. Three syllables. Mar-ve-lous.

This is simply amazing. Could've used some trimming down on ideas though. You overloaded a bit on them.
 
F

Flaming Lip

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The idea is that life is a mad thing, and in desperation, in the lowest lows, we tend to look at the past days as better, even if they really weren't. And so we end up looking back, and are unprepared for the blows life gives us. And we seem unable to not look foward or backward but rather right where we stand. So its a beautiful day, but we can't realise it, it passes us by because time just goes flying by and we do nothing to stop it.

Sorry for the little rant.

Thanks for the reviews!

*flan* :p
 
Quackerdrill

Quackerdrill

say yes to love
Byzantium... Byzant... uhhh... Zant... I finally arrive! Sorry about not getting to a review about, say, two poems ago... but I'm here now, right? XD

Laziness aside, for what was set up as a jumble of ideas I believe this may be one of your better works. Seriously. Why? Just look at what you typed trying to explain it. Whoa. That goes to show how much thought went into it and how much it means to you. Just whoa. Loved the rhyme scheme (it's brilliant how you change it up on us each time) and the message is self-explanitory.

Great work!
 
F

Fez the Mysfit Elf

Annyong
For some strange reason, I really liked this poem! I can't fiure out why. It's just a good poem. And that's a great compliment coming from me, as I don't really care much for poetry.
 
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