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Before I start writing more...

Hello all, im Tsukiomi No Kaze and im quite new here. Im going to writing a Fanfic that has been in the making for awhile and, before i write anything more i wanted some opinions from you guys before I proceed.

Pokemon RPG story- Tsukiomi

This fanfic is a telling of a RPG I have been playing for over two years now, it follows my character Tsukiomi and the various crazy things that happen to him across his pokemon journey. My username is an omage to this character.

Now I have been trying to make a decision on how I will present this story. I had a plan of doing much of the overworld descriptions and other important events happening across the globe in 3rd person. But for everything else (character interactions, battles etc.) I wanted to write in 1st person (excluding the prolouge) I was also contemplating on putting in character bio's and pokemon description (there are qiute a few alternate evoloutions and pokemon unique to this story.) I was wondering if you guys think this is a good strategy for this p[articular fic. I have put the prolouge down below, tell me what you think (this is about half of the prolouge and nothing much has happened yet, but i wanted to get some opinions before proceeding with the story (because this will be a long fanfic with many chapters).

Note: I did this on notepad so the spacing might be a little awkward.

Edit: Re-did the prolouge! Its now in the right format and is a better read (I hope)

Prolouge: Tsukiomi Trainer From Pallet

It was on the dawn of summer days in the town of Pallet. Today is a very important day indeed, Tsukiomi, our hero is about to set off on his Pokemon journey and travel the world.

"Finally, now those years of studying without complaint will finally pay off.." I let out a tired sigh as I made my way towards Old Proffesser Oaks Lab. It was a pretty big place, a technological landmark of sorts. It marked the beginning of every Pallet Trainer's journey for the last 40 years and still stood as strong as ever. The exterior was nothing special, big white, lots of windows, you get the picture. I rang the bell at the front entrance and stood in front of the camera. After a few seconds an Aide's squeaky voice came out from the speaker.

"Hello, Proffesser Oaks Pokemon Research Facility how may i help you?"
"Im one of the new trainers here to get his pokemon"

A few seconds passed in awkward silence.

"You may enter, the Professer should be in his study at the moment, 3rd door on the left"

The door buzzed and I entered. The Lab was quite a busy place during the day, you could see Aides shifting in all directions blabbing about various tasks they were given. I crossed the room quickly, bumping into a few Aides here and there until I reached the door which read "study" over it. I opened the door quietly and slipped inside. The room was smaller than the others, only a lone computer lay in the corner in contrast to the many in the other rooms. In the middle of the room sat the man himself, Professer Oak that is, sipping a cup of something, Tea I guessed. White hair, dirty lab coat and a unshaven stubble, he appeared to be a senile old man, but I knew better. Proffeser Oak is the man who invented the Pokedex 35 years ago, he is the Pokemon worlds leading scientist and researcher. It has been tradition for years for Pallet's Trainers such as myself to recieve their first pokemon from him.

I tensed up as I approached him. "I am one of the new graduates from the Pokemon Academy, Tsukiomi. I have come here in regards concerning with my Pokemon Licence." I handed over of diploma to him.

"Ah yes, I heave heard much about you. Your scores on the PTPE were very impressive indeed" He took another sip of his tea after he finished speaking and pointed towards the lone computer terminal in the lefthand corner of the room.

Pokemon Trainer Proficiency Exam- in case you were curious

"Click on the Pokemon you wish to recieve and I will retreive its Pokeball" said the Professer as he went back to his tea.

I went to the terminal and scrolled through the list of Pokemon available, and after a few moments I made my decision. Professer oak afterwards started going through an old looking box in the other corner of the room.

"HEY! SORRY IM LATE!" came a loud voice.

I looked towards the door and recognized the person. Long black hair and forest green eyes.. Hayne Greens, always the loudmouth of the class, quite the showoff but could put the money where his mouth was, so to speak. I let a small smirk show on my face as he hurried through the introductions to the Professer and after a few moments had chose his pokemon too.

"Ahem" the Professer cleared his throat and I gave him my attention.

"Today I am pleased to give Tsukiomi and Hayne Greens their first Pokemon and their Trainers Licenses. Congradulations to the both of you!" The Professer gave a big smile as he handed me and Hayne our Pokedex's and Pokemon.

I thanked Professer Oak gave a cocky smirk to Hayne and was on my way out the entrance to lab when..

"WAIT UP!" came an annoying voice as I turned around and saw Hayne.

"Can't we at least have a going away battle?" asked Hayne with a grin.

"Very well" I said as we let our Pokeballs fly simulataniously.

"Ditto!" I called.

"Charmander!" Exclamied Hayne.

Charmander was the standard choice for a Fire-Type Pokemon and fit Haynes happy go lucky personality perfectly. I on the other hand, chose Ditto, the amorphus transforming Pokemon, it was the perfect Pokemon strategically, a perfect choice for a calculating trainer such as myself.

"Charmander start things off with an ember attack!" Hayne exclaimed as the small lizard like creature shot a small jet of flame from its mouth.

I waited for the right moment and... "Ditto Transform now!"

Just as Charmanders attack collided with Ditto, Dittos form shifted dramatically, now resembling Charmander closely, difference being Dittos small beady eyes in place of Charmanders.

We are going to have to work on that...

"Ditto, retaliate with a growl, and follow with a scratch attack!" Ditto gave out a high pitched growl and Charmander recoiled in discomfort and pain as Ditto charged and slashed at Charmanders skin, covering Charmander with small cuts across its body.

Haynes smirk disappeared from his face as he got serious "Charmander, no mercy! Keep Scratching until its goes down" Charmander gave out a large wail as it started to deliver blow after blow onto Ditto, Ditto then retaliated in likewise fashion and the battle was over one moment later.

Ditto and Charmander both lay on the ground fainted. A draw then, better than a loss i suppose. Hayne and I shook hands.

"Man you are good! see you around!" shouted Hayne as he ran off towards the town exit.

Didnt even wait for my response, same old Hayne. After buying nessessites from the nearby shop, I set off as well.

My journey was just beginning...
Last edited:

Dragonite Ernston

Novice Writer
Okay, just some general comments about spelling and grammar.

Your capitalization, first of all.

You put "Pokemon Trainer" in caps, but not "pokemon". Either do both of these or neither, but you shouldn't be applying it to just one of them.
Capitalize "Pallet Town" completely. It's entirely a name, so there's not much ambiguity for this.

You're randomly leaving words in lower case that should be capitalized. You don't even capitalize "Tsukiomi" half the time. And he's your main character.

After 3 years of harsh study in the pokemon academy of pallet, Tsukiomi, the hero of this story was ready to get his first pokemon,

Normally you don't put a synopsis in the prologue unless the entire prologue is a synopsis... your description of the character Tsukiomi here seems more like the kind of thing that would appear in a synopsis - a pre-description, so to say.

He is a young man, aged 16,

I'm assuming most trainers start at 16 in this story?

"You here to get your first pokemon?" the other trainer stated with interest.

You normally don't "state" a question. XD

he arrives a the famous professor oaks pokemon laboratory.

You meant he arrives "at" the famous "Professor Oak's" pokemon laboratory.

There are a few other errors that I won't.point out as easily, but they all hinge on checking your spelling and grammar, and NOT USING NOTEPAD. ^_^ (You know, something that's kind of sad, I held down Shift instead of using Caps Lock to type that shout there.)

If you don't have Word, try using OpenOffice. And try proofreading... please. It'll make your story much better.

he must have been 90 years old, white hair wrinkly skin, old raggedy white lab coat with lint stuck to it.

I don't think a 90-year-old man could really act as that kind of professor anymore... but that's just me. :)


My Serebii face
Now I have been trying to make a decision on how I will present this story. I had a plan of doing much of the overworld descriptions and other important events happening across the globe in 3rd person. But for everything else (character interactions, battles etc.) I wanted to write in 1st person (excluding the prolouge)

Why not just write in third-person, then? When focusing on your character use a more limited third-person perspective, and branch out to a more "global" perspective when necessary.

I was also contemplating on putting in character bio's and pokemon description (there are qiute a few alternate evoloutions and pokemon unique to this story.)

Eh, I've never liked these. You should weave details like these into your actual story, rather than a boring "THESE DETAILS ARE IMPORTANT BUT NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH FOR ME TO WORK WITH" list at the top of each chapter.

As for the story you've posted so far...yeah. FYI, OpenOffice's word processor is basically equivalent to Microsoft Word and it's free.

Beyond that...this needs a bit of work. Grammar/spelling stuff aside, you seem to have a tendency towards blocky description. An example:

It was on the dawn of summer days in the town of Pallet. Pallet town is a small town with the vast sea of Kanto lightly pushing against its borders, a warm, welcoming climate, surrounded by a dense forest with thick vegetation and a large but peaceful populace of pokemon. Who would have thought that such a tame, tranquil place would the place famous for producing more Pokemon Masters than any other place in Kanto. Today is a very important day indeed, Tsukiomi is to set off on his pokemon journey and travel the world. Now, know a story of sorrow, triumph, peril, and many wonders, such is the world of pokemon.

I know "needs more description" is a common fanfic complaint, but you can do it wrong. Description is meant to add texture to the world, but too much in one go (particularly the "my trainer looks like this, wears this, likes this" description that a lot of writers are wont to do) stops adding texture and starts being tedious to read.

In the above example, we don't need to know Pallet Town's entire pedigree, ecosystem and town charter from the word "go." You can introduce these elements naturally as the story goes on, like so:

"I'm a trainer from Pallet Town!" Tsukiomi said.

"Is that so?" Mr. Doe replied. Pallet Town was famous for the number of champion trainers that seemed to emerge from the otherwise sleepy backwater.

You get the idea.
lol, looks like I should write on my other computer that has Word next time. Thanks Chozo and Dragonite, ill keep those things in mind. The Pallet Town decription was a little rushed because my character is in Pallet Town for only an hour or two. As for the decription part, Im not used to it and always notice when im reading books that they spread it out so much I cant remeber how the character looks like (which is why I put it all down in one shot)

Edit: Im currently rewriting the prolouge in the format im going to use for the story.
Last edited:

Air Dragon

Ha, ha... not.
Yeah, you do that. The word processor also keeps them nasty errors away. They're goood for ya :p

Guess everybody beat me to the help punch, so all i'll add is don't post bios at the beginning. Maybe occasionally, if you want to do a little expose on a character, then you can give a brief bio of what he's been and where he's headed (character, skills, etc.)

Doing so at the beginning will kill the surprise factor especially if this is a trainer fic. Use a bio only when you want to help people to keep track of who's got what, ok?

Good luck! L@er!
I rewrote the prolouge, I hope you all will like this one better. Tell me what you guys/gals think.