Thanks for the review, as always, Breezy! I'll edit out the errors some time tomorrow, when I have a little more time.I told you I'd get to this eventually. >_> Lol.
I’m a little confused. Somewhere between Adrian’s thought and the next paragraph something happened to make Archer grow impatient; I’m just not sure what. So it kind of reads random that he did suddenly get impatient. Maybe if Adrian had a lackluster reaction or something it would make sense but all he did was, well, breathe. Oh, shift too.
Archer expected Adrian to do something. Agree with him, show him that he understood just what he was trying to say. Adrian showed no such understanding.
I’m actually not sure if I talked to you about this or not (or if someone else told you about this), but since you’ve improved tenfold from when you first started, I think I can go into the more anal grammar nitpicks. ;P
How dirty (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist)Get as anal as you'd like. I'd prefer it.
Commas before coordinating conjunctions (and, but, for, so, or, nor, yet) are only needed when you’re listing something (She had a towel, a bottle of lotion, and a plastic straw. Why these items, who knows?) or when you have a compound sentence (a sentence that has two or more complete sentences together). An easy way to figure out if you need a comma before a coordinating conjunction is reading the sections are their own sentence. Let’s use the above quote as an example.
“Adrian turned around.” This can stand as its own sentence.
“Moved toward the door.” This cannot stand as its own sentence. Therefore, you shouldn’t have the comma.
If you had something like “Adrian turned around, and he moved toward the door,” then you would need the comma (Read “He moved toward the door” and how it can stand alone as its own sentence).
Is it a big deal? Not really, but they can be distracting if you do it too often. Plus you may be putting unnecessary pauses in places where you might not want to pause.
Got'cha! I'll remember that.
Even. Semicolon should be a comma.
Nice set up for suspicion, especially with where this story is headed. =P
HIS FACE IS SMEARED WITH BLOOOOD. MUAHAHA.
I can’t help but wonder if “Ringo” was a smaller side joke to go along with the Springsteen joke. =P
JOKES IN JOKES
Jokes in Jokes! Sounds like Can in a Can! I've always wanted my containment devices in containment devices...
don't sue me bobandbill!
Go. I’m actually not too fond of the second person here since it seems kind of thrown out there with no purpose. Even stating “And then the kitchen” is saying pretty much the same thing.
I see. I'll edit that out. The second person, I mean.
Curiousity kills the grammatically correct cat, apparently. Got'cha, I'll fix it.
If you thought the comma lesson was super nitpicky, wait for this one. Even though “could have cared less” is becoming synonymous nowadays, the correct phrase is “couldn’t have cared less.” “Couldn’t care less” is saying that “it is impossible to care less.” “Could care less” is saying that you care less than you previously did, so you could “care less” but you could still be caring. Inorite?
/end super-duper nitpick
HOLY NITPICK BATMAN. Got'cha! I appreicate the nitpicking, actually. Even the smallest error is still an error.
Period in red should be a comma, and “is” should be lowercase (reason why is because the dialogue is still continuing/still a running sentence even with the speech tag break. “This Pokémon,” he said, “is definitely a Pokémon.”)
I missed THAT? Oh shoot. Got'cha, I'll fix it.
I wrongfully lol’d at the name. Chris Avrich is your ff.net name, right?
AND SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS THE
self-insertionLACK OF CREATIVITY WITH NAMES I HAVE! :3
Unnecessary sentence break up. All break ups are painful. ;-;
Bre … nah, kidding. =P It’s right, hurrah!
I have drilled something I found online into my head as an image. "If you need to breath, you take a breathe." It's stuck up as some sort of mental sticky note. D:
Anyway, pretty neat chapter. As always, liked your spin on the events that take place in HG/SS and how the interrogation scene was a lot … tenser. The police accusing Chris and Joey of doing it was a little overdramatic (police try to leak the answer out of the person instead of outright saying it right away) but I understand the time constraint and not making that scene longer than it needed to be. Chris was amusing as he usually it, though it’s nice to see how varied his emotions can be, especially in reaction to the crime scene and him being interrogated and connecting the pieces as to who did it. I also liked your zany characterization of Mr. Pokemon. His house was a fun setting. =P
I didn't call him one of the more eccentric researchers in the first chapter for nuttin', buddy. :3
Anyway, until next time!