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black maria - two shot. [PG-13]

Ejunknown

be creative
"The noise quietened as the other train passed. When the last horn was heard, the cart rocked again, almost as if by signal; but the movement was less this time, not caused by the tracks, and the hand left his shoulder. Heat radiated out beside him, and after a moment, he slipped his eyelids open half-way to meet a tall, broad expanse of grey. He blinked, before they opened fully, the light grey focusing on the long broad back of a shabby trench coat, pale skin gleaming whitely through the various holes in the sleeves.

For a while, there was no other movement. Rayva focused, dazedly, exhaustion dragging at his eyelids, on the man’s back, his fingers quivering with the trembles that ran up his own spine, but not the others.

The figure was silent, unmoving."


---

RATING: PG-13

For some suggestive material.


This was an experimental shot, sort of. Two prisoners on a train. Not quite human.

Interactions. This is part one of two, of black maria. I hope somebody likes it. xD;

---

black maria

PART ONE - INTERACTIONS


"We are going to die. Ha. Finally."

The voice was barley audible in the silence. The outline opposite him was a stark, obstinate white in the darkness; solid, as if he was carved from marble, and soldered in a flash of lightning fire to the course iron railing where he perched. The silence that returned, the one that had lasted since Rayva had woken up light headed, coughing, barely able to stand, let alone balance- was broken only by the crashing of the train car, heavy metal bolts clattering loudly on the outer casing of the slated steel, a wall for all good it could have done. Rayva stared up at the shadow, or glimmer, or statue, whatever the man was in the almost silence. The gulags. This man must be his partner, then. What had he said? Death? He thinks we will die.

Rayva looked upward, towards him, to meet the shroud of icy white, and the figure reminded him immediately as that of a ghost.

A tremor of fear went through him, sending his arm quivering, and he nearly looked away- where were his eyes?

He had no face.

The vision trembled slightly, before the other man glanced sharply to the left, hand flashing out in a pale gleam to grip the railing as the guttural rattle of the train increased, the cabin rocking violently from side to side. There was a faintly muttered curse, and Rayva listened, although unable to make out the words, in another language, he thought, before his own grip on the floor slipped, and he crashed hard against the cold metal. His cheek throbbed as he lay there, stunned for a second, before he could breathe again and he moved his head slightly, until the white hot flash of pain that told him his nose was broken forced him to stop- and he could hear the muffled sound of laughter behind him.

The rocking of the car steadied, loping slightly to the side before subsiding completely, and all he could hear was the darkened voice through the shorts breaths of laughter, triumphant over the creaking of the metal. "Scssstz- even this rotten metal cab is in on this too! Ah ha!"

Somehow, through the dust and dirt in his face, Rayva managed a cough; before the racketing non-silence, the muted section, was broken once more, and the man stopped his laughter mid-breath, mouth twisted in a wry grin as he looked towards the sloped figure on the opposite side of the cart, head tilted mock-casually to the side.

“..hmm? What was that, kid?”

“….on’t kill us. He won’t kill us.”

There was silence for a moment, and Rayva turned his face away from the cart, ignoring the pain, eyes widening briefly. He didn’t know why he said that. He heard a movement behind him, a clang of heavy boots, and Rayva shut his eyes again, keeping his head turned tight to the floor, the tremors starting once more along his frame. He always seemed to say it, didn’t he? A hum, the reverberation of metal by his ear, before a hand settled on his shoulder, tugging lightly to roll him back over, and Rayva met with a gleaming, inquisitive gaze, that for a moment... seemed to gain a red gleam.

“Hmm… what have we here?”

Cold hands touched his face briefly, and Rayva stared up at the man as he leaned back on his heels, demon eyes seeming to examine him, before the gaze turned to his and he avoided it, focusing instead on the sound of the soft creak of leather; the whisper of the dirty, but surprisingly well-made cloth soft, the softest he'd heard in a while, which was strange. There was another rumble before the ensuing clatter shook the car, but as Rayva winced and tried to turn back, the other man didn’t seem to fall this time, maintaining his grip on him, pulling him back upright, and the mouth split into a feral grin.

“Where are you going?”

Conditioning, or the words of his wiser friends – he couldn’t remember which- dictated the words from his memory, and he squeezed his eyes half shut in the pain of his throbbing cheek, breathing them out on a whisper as quickly as he could.

“Nowhere.”

There was no reply, and Rayva closed his eye fully at the following silence, again. His breaths sped up steadily at his insolence, echoing the increasing race of his heart, before he focused on evening his pacing breaths, whilst the cart slowed down in its rocking again.

Silence was never good.

He had done it again. He'd done something, he’d done something to upset him, the other man, who was clearly better adapted then he was. Stupid. His mind flew to the boots, the polished leather, and his heart skipped another beat, his eyes remaining tightly screwed shut. What if he had been sent here, purposely? He probably had been, and had worse planned, too.

Or he'd been sent to monitor him. And he had just done something wrong. Rayvas heart skipped a beat, before his pulse was fluttering into an increasing rhythm of panic, before he was thrown once more to the side with a screech of metal, the fast approaching whistle signalling the passing of another train, and Rayva curled to cower into his patch of floor, away from the other man and away from the sound. As if he could be -for this one moment- safe inside the circle of his arms.

The noise quietened as the other train passed. When the last horn was heard, the cart rocked again, almost as if it was signalled; but the movement was less this time, not caused by the tracks, and the hand left his shoulder. Heat radiated out beside him, and after a moment, he slipped his eyelids open half-way to meet a tall, broad expanse of grey. He blinked, before they opened fully, the light grey focusing on the long broad back of a shabby trench coat, pale skin gleaming whitely through the various holes in the sleeves.

For a while, there was no other movement. Rayva focused, dazedly, exhaustion dragging at his eyelids, on the man’s back, his fingers quivering with the trembles that ran up his own spine, but not the others.

The figure was silent, unmoving.
---------------------------------
 
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Ejunknown

be creative
PART TWO - COMMUNICATION

WARNINGS: Language, situation, repeated as above.


---

Rayva was half-asleep, and, blinking, he looked through his lashes tiredly- only to take a sharp inhale of breath at the sight of the calm face of the other inches in front of him. The other man didn’t respond to the action, the red gleam of his eyes steady as Rayva watched, before the lips moved, and Rayva recognized the question that had woken him up.

“Kid.” The red gleam was muted, Rayva found himself only able to note, before the fear kick-started back in his chest. “What is your name?”

Rayva blinked for a second, unable to find the words. His heart lurched slightly inside his chest. “Rayva.” His tongue felt thick in his mouth. “Who are you? You’re...not human.”

The other man seemed to blink in front of him, the red gleam of his eyes narrowing briefly, and the fear fluttered in the pit of his stomach, as he had done it again, spoken his mind…

“No **** I’m not human. We're the same. You are asking who I am?”

The man seemed to laugh to himself, glancing around incredulously, as if he expected to see someone else there. “You must be sh-tting me. Rayva. Tell me you are sh-tting me.”

Rayva blinked at him repeatedly in confusion, his face creasing anxiously as the words stuttered from his mouth. “I… I am not sh-tting you…? I- I don’t... know who you are.”

The other man laughter grew incredulous, and after a minute he was reaching forward and shaking Rayva's arm lightly, before glancing down at his trembles and muttering a quiet, ‘oh sh-t, yeah, no touching’, and removing his hand. Rayva looked back to the man’s face, just as he shook his head in disbelief, mouth twisted almost to the point of a smile of a corpse, and the red gleam caught his gaze, causing the grin to twist higher, baring his teeth further as the man shifted towards him.

“You really have no idea, do you? Haa, ha, I suppose it was going to happen at some point. Well, ****. I’m... Ludis. Or Ludosvic, Luu. Nice to meet you.”

The man extended a hand, and as Rayva glanced up upwards the red eyes, he found them closed, obscuring the mans intentions. Rayva didn't know what to do. ...well, he could nothing else, could he? And after a moment Rayva reached up to it, cautiously. The smirk on the other man's face widened, before he gripped it, fingers wrapping tightly until he was dragging him closer. The eyes were open, gaze never leaving his face, and - a gasp of air slipped between them, before the grip was gone.

There was a gleam of something, something possibly on the edge of wonder in the other man’s eyes, before it too was gone, the idea lost quickly in Rayva's mind, drowned by panic.

“You have been trained well, haven’t you?”

“…what do you want?”

Rayva spoke his thoughts again through mumbled, quivering lips, as he had to throw caution away, staring up unabashedly at the strange man who he did not understand.

The red gaze flickered to his briefly, contemplative, almost curious, before something changed, and the expression hardened.

"What do I want?"

The hands gripping Rayva tightened. Sleek silver glimmered briefly, the strands dipping in a low arc - before the man was hovering around his ear, breath uncomfortably hot against his neck. He jolted instinctively, hands rising to push against the other’s chest, panic fluttering with his heartbeat. The other man ignored him, head angling a little more to the left, firmly. The voice was smoother, lower, then the mans previous speech, and Rayva's body was shivering for him, at the low dangerous words in his ear.

“What do I want? What, do you not realise the situation you are in right now? I want lots of things, are you really that willing to succeed them to me? Do you realise how little there is stopping me from doing whatever I want with you now?”

There was a smirk in the voice, that was different to what it had been before, the fake teeth gleaming in the twisted smile, before the hot breath pushed closer, harder, rising and falling with his words.

“As, you know, it is funny how the knowledge of being the walking dead pushes you to the very limits of your being.”

And the voice did indeed move closer, and Rayva felt himself pushed inescapably backwards, onto his back, breath speeding up again as his heart pounded in his chest, and the smothering heat of the other mans body hovered above his. “You need to be prepared for that, Rayva. Have you thought of what death will be like, kid…? I thought I died. And I nearly did. In fact…here.”

His hand was torn from his grip against the cold chest in front of him, and Rayva's eyes widened as his hand was pulled down, the man on top of him leaning back a little to push up his shirt, and Rayva pulled back against him, harder, and harder then he had before, ever before, as all the words compounded with the fear clawing in his stomach, as he wouldn’t let that happen here-

He kicked out, again, and again, pushing with all his weight, until he got a foot free, and scrunching his eyes shut tightly, shoved his foot as hard as he could into the man’s stomach, his eyes squeezed shut at the light groan and wheeze from above him, the man’s weight alleviating a little as he fell back. The grip slipped on his hand inches from the pale, bare skin, and Rayva snatched it back, shuffling back with a lurch, crashing into the metal sheets of the carts walls.

His muscles were trembling all over, the fear sinking right to his bones as he backed away from the pale figure, eyes fixated on the hunched form. There was a scuff as the man shifted, the old military pounded leather squeaking tiredly against the floor, before he was straightening, and Rayva’s eyes flicked around the enclosed cart. The reality sunk in as the man got fully to his feet, turning towards him: there was no way out of this.

His breath scudded through the air in ragged puffs of steam, jagging as the man took another step forward, before he raised his arms again, hands clenched in rough fists, mouth opening to call to hi-

“Right here, kid.”

The not-quite-human stopped, hands resting lightly against his exposed chest, Latvia’s eyes glancing to where he had left his coat –no shirt- in a crumpled heap on the ground beside him. His fully exposed pale skin was almost radiant in the darkness, and the skin beneath his finger tips glistened as if molten silver.

The hands moved away, and Rayva’s hands fell from their raised position, the other man breaking into a small grin, unnoticed, as the long, jagged scar split the façade.

It split the man in half.

There was something wet on his cheek, and Rayva blinked at the water that streaked beneath his fingers down his face, settling at his chin. He was still staring, lost in some recess of his mind, as, bored, the other man was ducking with a shrug, collecting his tattered coat- too faded in the style to be factory made; something old, medieval.

There was a loud, piercing screech, before the whole cabin was jolting sideways; a brief shout of laughter, before it was drowned out by a second squeal, metal tearing against metal.
 
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katiekitten

The Compromise
...The first thing I have to say is that I really don't understand why no-one has posted on this. It's their loss, I guess, but still. xD

I really, really enjoyed this, hun! You used a very unique method to explore the pokemorph idea, and I actually found myself really intrigued by it, as well as left with a strong desire to read more. Rayva's fear caught me, and held me, throughout. There is little else I can say.

Except, of course, that Ludis owns. But I believe that's a given. xD

The first paragraph is looking a lot better, by the way, ma chere. x3
 
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JX Valentine

Ever-Discordant
First off, I like the format of this fic. You start off with a scene to entice us to read on and then interrupt with a little author's note before the action proper occurs. So, it feels like I just watched the preview of a television show (like what Pokémon's been doing these past few seasons) before a short break to the opening sequence. That way, you end up building anticipation for the rest of the story by doing what most writers tend to avoid: abruptly inserting an author's note into the scene to break up a reader's momentum.

In other words, cleverly done.

"We are going to die. Ha. Finally."

See, any story that begins with this is something I automatically like.

The voice was barley audible in the silence.

Uh, but you'll want to take a closer look at your writing before you submit it to avoid weird errors that the spellchecker won't pick up. Like "barely audible."

His breaths sped up steadily at his insolence, echoing the increasing race of his heart, before he focused on evening his pacing breaths, whilst the cart slowed down in its rocking again.

One of the things I've noticed about your writing so far is that it seems to bounce all over the place when it comes to description. What I mean is you start off with one idea but then add tangents all over the place to describe bits and pieces of it. For example, here, you go off on a tangent describing the sound of his breathing, then go back to what he's doing before heading into a piece about the movement of the cart (which isn't related, as far as I can tell). It's very possible that this could actually be intentional for the sake of creating a dreamlike atmosphere in the narration; it's just not something you do in everyday writing because all those tangents can actually leave a reader wondering what exactly the subject of the sentence is.

Something, he’d upset him- the other man, who was clearly better adapted then he was.

This is basically what I meant above. On the one hand, it could be completely intentional if you wanted to make the reader feel as if they're not entirely sure what they're seeing so that they can sympathize a bit better for the character. If not, then I've probably just unintentionally insulted you (to which I apologize), but yeah, I'm not quite sure what you're trying to say here. ("He'd done something to upset the other man, who was clearly better adapted than he was," maybe?)

Also, one thing I can nitpick, though, is the then/than confusion. Then is a word that refers to time. Than is a comparison word. It might help to remember that "then" and "time" share an E, whereas "than" and "comparison" both have an A.

The cart rocked again, but less this time;

Be careful about commas. Note that replacing the comma in the above quote doesn't actually produce two separate, independent sentences. That's how you can tell whether or not you have a compound sentence.

Or, in shorter terms, the comma's just not needed here. Don't kick yourself too hard, though. Comma rules are obscenely complicated. My best advice, if I didn't explain things well enough about when a comma is or isn't needed around a conjunction, is probably just to Google it. You could probably find clearer explanations and examples there.

The other man ignored him, head angling a little more to the left, until Rayva could hear the low murmur-

End this with a period. Normally, I don't like saying things that aren't entirely suggestions, but basically, while a dash can indicate a parenthetical (basically, stuff that could also go in parentheses, like this) or an interruption, it doesn't really feel like you're doing either here. The ending of that sentence is a definite ending, a break from the line of dialogue. You even felt the necessity of making sure there was a divide between this sentence and what Luu says by inserting a line break between the two. So, you'll definitely want a hard ending instead of just an interruption or something that indicates that you're about to continue with that sentence.

Besides, it's the end of the sentence anyway.

There was a smirk in the voice, that was different to what it had been before,

I'd say you're better off removing the first comma. Right now, you're indicating either that you want the reader to pause or that the part about the smirk being different isn't necessary to understanding the sentence. However, what you're saying here is that not only did the voice have a cynical tone, but it was also different compared to the cynical tone Luu uses in the rest of… pretty much everything he says. So, you'll want to attach it to the part about his voice so that your writing flows smoothly from one place to another and so it's clear that the part about it being different is definitely necessary for understanding just how he's speaking.

the fake teeth gleaming in the twisted smile, before the hot breath pushed closer,

Same concept here. You'll want to have your writing flow smoothly from event #1 (the fake teeth gleaming) to event #2 (the hot breath pushing closer). The comma isn't necessary because it breaks the thought in half.

crashing into the metal sheets of the carts walls.

Side nitpick: cart's. It's possessive, right?



So, overall, your descriptions were interesting and got to be poetic at times. On top of that, you do have me intrigued by your concept. I actually want to know more about what's going on, and of course, a good fight scene and some existentialist crisis here and there's always good for piquing my interest. Did I even detect some homosexual undertones just before Rayva broke free and kicked Luu, or was that just my depraved imagination reading too much into the part about what Luu was doing with Rayva's hand? Because if I'm right, dom situation leading to Rayva running around in a nightmarish little cart like a rabbit that's just now figured out that he's in a cage? Kinky.

The downside, however, is the fact that at times, I found it hard to keep track of what's going on. Maybe I read it too quickly or maybe I let my grammar nazi tendencies get in the way, but I do admit that all the tangents that were happening left me careening from one thought to another. Like I said in the nitpicking part of this review, that may or may not be intentional, and if you wanted to build a confused, hectic atmosphere where the reader doesn't entirely know what's happening because Rayva doesn't either, then it could work. You might want to consider easing up on the tangents a little so you don't leave your reader completely lost, but it could work. Otherwise, yeah, you'll probably want to look into doing some revising.

Other than that, you'll probably want to brush up on comma rules, be careful about homophones, and pay a bit more attention to what your marks of punctuation do for the flow of the sentence. Those are all nitpicks, although looking into comma rules might help you reorganize your thoughts to avoid letting your sentence wander off too much.

However, I do have to say I liked it. You had this dark, gritty feel going on, and you succeeded in portraying Rayva as an actual prisoner: someone who isn't in charge of his fate and doesn't know what the crap is going on anyway. It was the sadist in me who wanted to read on to see what you did with him, and I liked the fact that there was no happy ending (for him, anyway), like it was a statement that not everything ends quite well for everyone.

Meanwhile, I was also intrigued. You didn't really go into many details about who or what these characters were and why they were on a train. Normally, this might be a mark against you, but that's really the whole point. I had the feeling Rayva (the character the story pivots on) didn't know those answers either, and anyway, it felt like there was a curtain between us and the characters. We know that this is a horrible place, but it still had that air of mystery and, at the risk of abusing the word, confusion. No one in that place can see things clearly (or at least Rayva can't), and neither should we.

In other words, despite whatever polishings I thought you could use, I liked the concepts you've got and what you had in mind in terms of presenting them. Nice job.
 

Ejunknown

be creative
Thank you so much for reviewing, I'm sorry it took my so long to reply, life has been hectic. xD;

Thank you for the time you spent on this. and yes, those were meant to be homosexual undertones, and the nit grit - <e yes, what I wrote this for. The style of this... is unfortunately a combination of a few different styles that have been bugging me for a while, but basically centred on a scene, and watching it unfold. I've been having trouble blending what you see and Rayva's thoughts, and in the end, although really, really grammatically incorrect, I have edited this more, and it has become more subverted into this mess, that hopefully shows the scene in... fractured images and detail, and communicates the mood I was hoping for. I need to reign in my use of that though, I'm working on it, thank you.

The curtain you mention, that is what I was going for. I wanted you to see this, through Rayva's weirded, detached point of view.

The grammar of this is terrible though, thank you for going through so many examples. They do help, a lot actually, good old grammar rules were somehow missed in my schooling, which made taking the SAT in England a lot of fun. xDD; Then and than. jsdf.

I've worked on another revision of this, the first part is mainly gone through and edited, and half of the second part is done. xD
 
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