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Black Rose (PG-13)

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Black Rose

Hey all, it's TurtwigFan1 with a fiction you'll all enjoy! Now the fic is rated PG-13 for violence, small amounts of blood and slight cursing. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

Here's the PM List, if you want to be on it just give me a Visitor Message tell me in your review. Thanks!

PM List

Sir Growlie
Torpoleon​

Chapter 1: Putting Down our Roots!


“Welcome to Littleroot Town!” Tiana read off a sign, “How joyous.”

She rolled her eyes of sapphire and her mother laughed.

“Tee, I know you didn’t want to come to Hoenn but after your father left I just wanted a fresh start,” Charley said reassuringly.

Tiana flicked her jet-black hair, the bouncy curls moving off her blue-jacket covered shoulders.

“So you decide to move to Hoenn? It’s HOT outside!” moaned Tiana as the taxi slowed.

“Isn’t that a good thing? You can finally get a tan!” suggested Charley.

“Mom,” said Tiana, scrunching her eyes up, “I like the cold. I like snow. I like Hearthome City! All I have from Sinnoh is Misdreavus.”

“Quit whining, we’re here,” said Charley, tired after the long flight.

The red taxi eventually stopped in front of a house with two floors and a red roof. Tiana groaned as she climbed out of the car, fixing her dark blue jeans back into place. The pink belt holding them up had a red and white sphere clasped onto it. Tiana took the sphere off her belt and enlarged it by pressing the central button. She threw the ball and out came a ghostly figure, surrounded by a flare of crimson light.

The light faded and revealed a dark blue floating Pokémon, with pink-tipped appendages that looked like wavy hair. Her blood red eyes matched her blood red pearl necklace, which supposedly held ghostly powers.

“Hey, Missy,” said Tiana half-heartedly.

<Ugh, this place is stifling> moaned the Misdreavus, nicknamed Missy.

“Tell me about it,” agreed Tiana, brushing a stray hair off her mint green tank top.

She looked up at her new ‘home’ and moaned. The house looked too cottage-like and welcoming, not modern like her true home in Hearthome. A gravel path led to the yellow door and pink and purple flowers adorned either side of it. The cottage’s windows were framed with red and Tiana walked to the door. She grabbed the golden doorknob and twisted it. The door opened easily, and Tiana nearly fell over when she saw the inside.

A small red loveseat with canary yellow cushions sat on top of a verdant green rug. Across from the loveseat was a small television. There was a kitchen with granite worktops, decorated with chocolate brown. Tiana saw a staircase leading up to the bedrooms and presumably a bathroom. She screamed.

”What on earth is happening?” shouted Charley, running into the house with three suitcases.

“This bloody house is all happy and warm! I HATE IT!” Tiana complained, very loudly.

“Tiana Katrina Parker! Be quiet NOW!” Charley demanded.

Tiana suddenly went quiet and hung her head, “Sorry mommy.”

She ran forward and gave Charley a hug, laughing in her head.

“But think of it this way, you can see so many new places!” suggested Charley.

“Oh yeah, like the practically extinct volcano and the many plateaus!” Tiana said sarcastically.

“It’s plateaux dear,” corrected Charley.

Tiana shot daggers from her eyes and huffed upstairs with Missy following, cackling to herself. Upstairs, there were three doors. Two were a light, caramel brown and the other was a sickly pink colour.

“PINK?!” shouted Tiana.

Downstairs, Charley laughed as she unpacked her favourite mint, heart-shaped cushion.

<That has gotta change!> Missy agreed.

Tiana nodded and pushed the door open, not taking any notice of the golden handle. Chestnut planks adorned the floor of Tiana’s new bedroom and a small pink rug covered the floor in the centre. A purple bed was pushed against one side of the room, with a heart-shaped headboard. Tiana ran over to the small window and looked outside. All she could see was a few trees and some more cottages. She groaned loudly, already missing the hustle and bustle of Hearthome City. She sat down on the bed and saw a mirror hanging on the wall, which she walked over. The mirror showed Tiana a picture of a ‘rushed-off her feet’ looking kind of girl, whose black curly hair was unruly. Tiana fiddled with her hair, thinking of ways to make her look more presentable. She took off her blue jacket and the curls touched the small of her back.

“What do you think Missy? Should I order mom to find my straighteners, ponytail or leave it loose?” asked Tiana.

<I’d go for loose, mostly because I want to get out and explore!> laughed Missy.

Tiana nodded and shook her head to make the curls more pronounced. She walked over to the bed and picked up her jacket, walking downstairs. Her pink baseball shoes made each stair creak. Charley was watching Hoenn TV. A happy-go-lucky presenter was reading some news about a newly recruited Gym Leader.

“Well at least that’s one thing Hoenn and Sinnoh have in common,” Tiana said to Missy, who laughed her bell-like laugh.

“What’s that, honey?” asked Charley.

Tiana rolled her eyes, “Annoying presenters.”

Charley laughed and said, “Tee, why don’t you go and explore the neighbourhood?”

“I was thinking of that but it would only take me, what, three seconds?” Tiana moaned.

“Just go sweetie, you might meet someone. I heard that Hoenn’s local professor, Professor Birch, lives here in Littleroot,” Charley said happily.

Tiana left the house, muttering under her breath. Charley giggled as her daughter left her in peace.

Outside the house, Tiana looked around and so did Missy. The pair saw five or so cottages and much taller, high-techer looking building. Tiana walked over to the building, her hands shoved in her jacket pockets. As she reached the building, she knocked on the door as she read the sign. It read ‘Professor Birch’s Pokémon Laboratory’. No one answered and so Tiana knocked even harder. Still, no one answered and she defiantly knocked on the door, cutting one of her knuckles. As she sucked on the cut, a local passer-by informed Tiana that Birch was out studying Pokémon habitats.

“Shi-darn!” said Tiana as the passer-by looked at her as if to say, ‘Excuse me?’

He left Tiana in front of the lab, bored and alone.

<So what’re we going to do now?> pondered Missy.

“We’re going to start with the annoying ghost shutting her big mouth,” Tiana shouted.

Missy cackled and somehow removed her small mouth, making her look like a mouthless, floating rag with eyes. Tiana smiled at her and walked past the lab and saw her next-door neighbours’ house. She knocked on the yellow door, and waited for an answer as she looked up at the grey, cloudy sky. The gentle breeze blew her curls slightly over her face. Soon enough, a kindly woman opened the door.

“Hello?” she asked.

“Um, hey. I’m your new neighbour and y’know I just kinda wanted to meet the townspeople, um… more like small-gathering-group-of-ten-or-so-people-people,” Tiana said, waffling on about her complaints.

“You can come in and meet my son,” said the woman kindly, “Oh, and my name’s Teresa.”

Great, another crackpot, thought Teresa.

“Thanks, ma’am,” said Tiana happily.

She walked into the house, an exact replica of her new home. Inside was a dark brown table with a teenage boy sat down on a chair next to it. He was reading a thick book with a dark green cover. Opposite him was a smaller girl, with short black hair.

”Cora, Leah, this is our new crackp-neighbour,” said Teresa.

Leah laughed and stood up, brushing her pink dress to get rid of the creases. She walked over to Tiana and shook her hand.

“Hi, I’m Tiana,” said Tiana welcomingly.

“Hey there, I’m Leah and I’m nine years old,” Leah said, smiling happily.

“Cora!” shouted Teresa.

The teenage boy slammed his book shut and stood up. His tight, dark blue top clung to his body, showing off his slight muscles. As he walked over to Tiana, his purple sneakers squeaked against the wooden floor.

’They must be really squeaky,’ thought Tiana.

He walked over to Tiana and shook her hand. Tiana looked at him, wondering why on earth he wouldn’t look her in the eye but instead she had to look at his long, brown hair. The colour of chestnuts, it shimmered as he moved. He decided to finally look up and Tiana noticed his beautiful, violet eyes. They looked slightly melancholy; as if Cora had something he needed to cry about.

He arched his eyebrows and Tiana suddenly realized she had been staring at him. She turned an unsightly shade of beetroot as Cora walked back to the table and sat down on his skinny black jeans. As Cora sat down, Tiana noticed that his belt matched his eyes.

“Well thanks for havin’ me,” Tiana said sarcastically, “Um…I’ll be going now, gonna explore and whatnot.”

She proceeded to leave the house and shouted.

<C’mon Missy!>

Missy flew over, after finishing her game with Leah, and the pair left.

”Weirdoes,” muttered Tiana.

She breathed in the fresh air from outside and decided to leave town. A brown sign was very close to her house and it read ‘Route 101 à’. Tiana and Missy walked onto Route 101, the cold breeze making them shiver. They noticed that there was a lot of tall grass, and she was sure that she saw Pokémon moving through them.

Moving onto the route, a young boy of about twelve came over to her.

“Um, excuse me. Can we have a battle, please?” asked the boy hesitantly.

“Sorry, kiddo. I ain’t a trainer. Just exploring,” Tiana told the boy.

The boy nodded and walked off, to find more trainers to battle. Continuing her stroll, she saw a trainer dressed in black battling a Pokémon. The trainers’ Pokémon was very short, and a lime green colour. Three thorns were on its head and instead of hands, it had two coloured roses. One of the roses was purple and the other was a deep, vicious black that matched the trainer.

“Okay Roselia, use Magical Leaf,” ordered the trainer, in a very nasally voice.

Black leaves shot at the brown, racoon like Pokémon. Zigzagoon was flung in the air and landed with a thud, the leaves creating deep wounds.

“That’s not normal behaviour,” said Tiana worryingly.

Zigzagoon’s zigzagged fur was now a mix of chocolate brown, creamy white and crimson blood.

“Use Razor Leaf,” commanded the trainer in black.

Tiana gasped loudly, and quickly hid behind a bush to avoid being discovered. She peered over the thick shrub and saw razor-sharp leaves flying through the air. They reached Zigzagoon, who was trying to escape, and sliced it. More cuts appeared and crimson seeped out.

“I gotta stop this,” murmured Tiana.

She came out from behind the bush as the trainer ordered another Razor Leaf.

”Missy! Use Psybeam!” ordered Tiana.

The trainer and its Roselia looked in horror as a cyan, yellow and magenta beam shot at the leaves. They were rebounded and sliced Roselia, causing it to collapse to the floor.

“Ha, that’s what you get! Now get lost or I’ll make you!” shouted Tiana.

“I’d love to see you try,” murmured the nasally voice, which Tiana presumed was a female voice, “But I’m afraid I just don’t have the time. Toodle-oo for now. But I will be back.”

The female ran off, carrying Roselia in her arms. Her black cape billowed in the breeze and Missy shot another, smaller Psybeam at her. She jumped in the air and Tiana and Missy laughed. Then the realization of what was happening suddenly sunk in. Tiana rushed over to the Zigzagoon, whose tail was twitching slowly.

“C’mon Missy, let’s get this Pokémon back to Littleroot Town,” Tiana said urgently.

<I sure hope Teresa knows a thing or two about Pokémon healing!> murmured Missy, her voice still sounding distinctly like a bell.

They ran, and in Missy’s case hovered, back to Littleroot Town, blood spilling all over Tiana and her clothes. She tripped over a couple of rocks, making more blood spill out. When she returned to Littleroot, she was covered in blood from head to foot. She rushed to Teresa’s house and knocked rapidly on the door.

“HURRY UP!” Tiana shouted, before Teresa opened the door.

Teresa dropped the mug of tea she was carrying when she saw her new neighbour and Zigzagoon.

“OH MY!” she shrieked, “Leah, run to the lab and get the Professor! Cora, run upstairs and grab my first-aid kit!”

Teresa took Zigzagoon from Tiana and laid it on a small, blue cushion. Cora hurriedly ran upstairs and came back down with a white box, with a red cross on it. He handed it to Teresa who ripped the box open and found some Hyper Potions. She sprayed the pink bottles onto Zigzagoon’s open cuts. They started to bleed less profusely, much to the amazement of Tiana who did not have much experience with Pokémon. Cora looked at her, thinking of what a wonderful person she was.

“Is Zigzagoon gonna be okay?” asked Tiana worriedly.

“Let’s hope so, where the hell is Leah?” Teresa asked.

“I’m right here!” said the little girl, running in with a tall man behind her. His messy brown looked tatty. His white lab coat billowed behind him as he ran and it flapped against his brown shorts.

“Oh, Professor Birch!” said Teresa happily.

Birch ran forward and placed his toolbox down. He quickly pulled the clasp up and opened the box to show a massive array of various medicines.

”Zigzagoon’s going to be just fine,” Birch said.

“Oh I do hope so!” said Tiana nervously.

As Birch sprayed some medicine onto Zigzagoon, Teresa suggested to Tiana to go home and wash off. She did so and jumped into the shower, after explaining what had happened to Charley. Tiana let the hot water pour over her, creating mini-waterfalls.

Downstairs, Charley washed Tiana’s clothes for her. She thought about what a day their first had been. After half an hour, Tiana came down with her hair dried and in her robe.

“Here are your clothes,” Charley said, handing Tiana fresh, clean clothes.

Tiana walked back upstairs and got changed, the tank top and jeans being free from any Pokémon blood. She waved goodbye to Charley and jogged back to Teresa’s house. Zigzagoon and Birch had gone back to the laboratory, but the Pokémon would be fine. After an intense healing session, the wounds were closed and Zigzagoon would be monitored before being released back into the wild.

“Tiana, have you ever gone on a Pokémon journey?” asked Teresa.

“If you mean have I ever got a starter Pokémon then no,” said Tiana regretfully.

“Well Professor Birch said that if you want to get one and go on a journey with your Misdreavus, then just stop by his lab tomorrow,” said Teresa.

“I am not going through this HOT region by myself!” Tiana protested.

Cora sighed, whilst Teresa looked extremely delighted.

“You won’t be, Cora is getting his first Pokémon too,” Teresa said.

“But haven’t you already got one? I mean, you look about sixteen!” laughed Tiana.

Cora replied, “Fifteen actually. And no, I never went on a journey but I might as well while I’ve got the chance. So would you like to travel with me? If you don’t want to that’s fine and if we don’t get along then you can always leave me so don’t worry about anyth-”

“Cora, I’d love to travel with you. We’ll have loads of fun!” Tiana said happily.

“Cool.”

Tiana walked back home and had dinner with Charley. The worn-out rescuer went to bed extremely early, exhausted from the days’ events. She was asleep in a matter of minutes.

El fin.

So what did you all think of the chapter? I think that my decsription has improved so please read, review and rate.

~TurtwigFan1 - ;387;
 
Last edited:

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
This fic seems cool! I like how you are doing the Hoenn Region too. Can't wait for the next chapter!
 

Sir Growlie

~Coordinator~
I read over your fan fic and here is my two cents.

“Well at least that’s one thing Hoenn and Sinnoh have in common,” Tiana said to Missy, who laughed her bell-like laugh.

“What’s that, honey?” asked Charley.

Tiana rolled her eyes, “Annoying presenters.”
I like this scene; it is funny. The only thing I would change would be a synonym for ‘presenters’, like maybe ‘reporters’ or ‘telecasters’.

Charley laughed and said, “Tee, why don’t you go and explore the neighborhood?”
You misspelled neighborhood, so I fixed it. But don’t worry, I usually misspell that word, too. Also, this is the only spelling mistake that I caught, so beside this, the chapter was basically perfect in spelling and grammar. Great Job!


Great, another crackpot, thought Teresa.

”Cora, Leah, this is our new crackp-neighbor,” said Teresa.
I don’t know how to say this so I’ll spell it out.

H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S

This is the funniest scene. I can really relate to Teresa, because i recently moved too and I think that my new neighbors are crackpots also. You are very funny, and I like that you are adding comedy into the story. If your story becomes more serious, it is good to add comedy sometimes to make the story more entertaining and interesting, as long as you don’t overdo it.


“Hey there, I’m Leah and I’m nine years old,” Leah said, smiling happily.
It’s hard introducing new characters, and you mostly do a good job on that. But it is rather strange that a little girl would tell a new person/stranger her age. I think that it would have been better for that information to be revealed in a conversation between the two characters, but it isn’t that big of a deal.

Other then those minor things, your fan fic is awesome! The setting and characters are described very well, and I feel like I can clearly visualize the story while reading it. I also feel like you proofread your work very well, since I caught only one spelling mistake and the grammar was great.

Keep up the great work!

P.S: Please make a PM List and add me to it!
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks, Torp! Oh, and by the way, who says I'm doing Hoenn?

And wow, thanks a lot Sir Growlie. For the neighbourhood thing, I write with English spellings apart from when the characters are speaking because they use American words. I hope you get it? For the thing about Leah, she's like that little girl that loves to go around telling people exactly how old she is because it makes her seem cool etc.

Thanks for your comments on my comedy, I actually don't think of the jokes but if something just clicks in my head I just type it! Consider yourself PM worthy.
 
Last edited:

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Well because the setting of the story is Hoenn. So I figured that is where the adventure of this fic takes place.
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
:D Don't worry I was being sarcastic. But who knows where the adventure will lead them?
 

TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Hey all, here's Chapter 2. Storyline kinda gets going here, and everything comes at you quite fast. Enjoy!


Chapter 2 – On the Trail!

“Tiana, wake up!” shouted Charley for the fourth time.

“WHY?” Tiana retorted angrily.

“Because you have to go and get your Pokémon!” Charley reminded.

“Oh sweet Amity Square,” Tiana said, suddenly remembering what had happened yesterday.

She jumped out of bed and changed into her mint tank top and blue jeans. Charley made her a bowl of cereal, which she gladly slurped. After breakfast, Tiana picked out her favourite blue jacket and found her magenta pink backpack. She packed some small cereal bars, two Potions that Charley had given her and a diary with an orange cover. Spindly writing was engraved on the cover, which read ‘Tiana’s Diary.’

At ten o’clock, Tiana hugged and kissed her mother goodbye. She left the house with Missy and ran to the laboratory. After a five-minute jog, she reached the white laboratory. The outside of the building was tall and very square; when looking at it straight on it looked like a rectangle. An automatic, blue tinted door was in the centre of the building and Tiana walked through it. It opened silently and fluidly.

The inside of the laboratory was what Tiana thought was perfection. The pearly white tiles looked like a movie star’s teeth and many scientists in crisp white lab coats were typing quickly onto high-tech looking computers. Tiana saw Professor Birch at the end of the room, with a clipboard in hand. A small figure was standing on the light blue table in front of him.

“Hey, Professor!” said Tiana, running to Birch.

“Oh, hello Tiana. Look at Zigzagoon,” Birch said happily, pointing his yellow pen to the brown racoon Pokémon running on the table, “He’ll be released into the wild before you know it!”

Tiana beamed from ear to ear, “Thank Arceus! I’m so glad he’s going to be okay. So where’s Cora?”

“Right here,” said the voice of Tiana’s travelling companion, walking into the laboratory.

His long, straight hair bounced on his shoulders, brushing against his indigo-purple jacket.

“Hi, Cora!” said Tiana happily.

Cora smiled and dropped the blue backpack he was carrying. He nudged closer to Tiana before saying, “Professor, where are our starter Pokémon?”

Birch smiled and walked over to a grey trey with three red and white spheres on them, like the one that Missy was contained in.

<I’m so excited! We’re going to go on a journey and battle and YAY!> Missy said in a sing-song manner.

Birch carried the tray to the table with Zigzagoon on, and handed the racoon to one of his assistants. Cora looked on in amazement at the spheres, having never seen a Poké Ball up close before. The top half shone with a crimson glow and the bottom was snowy white.

“Now then, contained in each of these Poké Balls is a Pokémon. They’re the three Starter Pokémon of Hoenn, Treecko, Torchic and Mudkip,” Birch explained.

He picked up the first sphere and threw it into the air. It rapidly and a zigzagged, crimson flare exploded from within. The red light formed a bipedal figure, with a long, thick tail. The redness faded and turned into green, showing off the Pokémon. Its dark green tail twitched nervously and her pink belly moved up and down quickly. Her yellow eyes with black pupils gleamed with hope, wondering whether today would be the day she’d finally get picked.

“This is Treecko, the Wood Gecko Pokémon. She’s a Grass-type and an excellent choice for your first, or second Pokémon,” Birch said, referring to Tiana.

He threw the next Poké Ball, which revealed a small, orange Pokémon with spiky saffron wings. His beady black eyes shone with determination. The saffron feathers on his head blew about as Torchic moved about. His creamy yellow beak chirped happily.

Birch explained yet again, “This is Torchic, the Chick Pokémon. He’s a Fire-type and another great choice.”

”They both look awesome,” said Cora, opening up in the company of Pokémon.

Tiana smiled at him as Birch threw the last sphere. A blue quadruped came out of the ball. Two fins were on his body, a sky blue one that acted as a tail and a medium blue fin on his head. His cheeks had orange spikes on them and a happy, yet dozy smile decorated his face.

“And this is Mudkip, the Mudfish Pokémon and a Water-type. Also a good choice,” said Birch, “Now that you’ve seen all of the Pokémon, do you know which one you want?”

Tiana and Cora didn’t hear the last bit as they surveyed the Pokémon, weighing up the pros and cons of each one. Their eyes dug into each Pokémon, making each one feel very uncomfortable. Birch waved his hands in front of the new trainers eyes, but they just brushed his appendages aside. After a few minutes of careful decision-making, they both decided.

“Okay! I’d like to take that Torchic,” Cora said, smiling as Torchic’s face lit up, “He looks like he has real fighting spirit and he’ll be awesome in battle!”

Tiana said, “Wow, Cora, you’ve really changed your personality!”

“Yeah, when I’m with Pokémon I can open up easier.”

Tiana smiled.

“Okay Tiana, which Pokémon would you like?” asked Birch.

“Um…I think, no…how about…no…Treecko,” she blurted out.

Treecko looked up nervously at Tiana, her yellow eyes shimmering as her hope had been realized. She jumped into Tiana’s arms and nuzzled her face gently. Tiana laughed and asked Birch why Treecko was so up-close-and-personal.

“She’s been here for about six months now and not a single trainer has picked her. Cora’s new Torchic’s only been here five days!” laughed Birch.

“Well, Treecko, we’re going to be the best of friends. I’d like you to meet Missy!” said Tiana, pointing to her floating partner.

<Hey! I’m sure we’re all gonna be great friends. Even you, Torchic!> Missy laughed.

The two new trainers laughed gleefully before Birch interrupted.

“Before you, you need Pokédexes. They’re high-tech devices that can tell you anything and everything you need to know about a Pokémon, move or even ability. They are very cool things. Lastly, here are five Poké Balls each. Remember that if you catch more than six Pokémon, they’ll go straight to your Pokédex’s registration point!” explained Birch.

Birch picked two flat devices off his desk. One was a dark green colour and the other was indigo purple. They both had a flip panel, which revealed a touch screen and various buttons underneath. Birch handed the green Pokédex to Cora and the indigo one to Tiana. He also picked ten ping-pong ball sized spheres and handed five to each trainer. They clipped them onto their magnetic belts.

The trainers thanked the Professor for their Pokémon and left the laboratory. Outside they felt the moderately strong breeze brushing against their faces, and Treecko snuggled into Tiana’s jacket. She brushed her face against Tiana’s chest and Tiana held her even tighter. Torchic stood on Cora’s shoulder, embracing the cold.

“Say, shouldn’t we give our Pokémon nicknames?” asked Cora.

“Um…yeah. I can’t think of one for a Treecko though,” Tiana said, pondering.

“I’ve got a great one for you Torchic,” Cora said smiling.

Torchic chirped happily, waiting for the moment when he’d be able to talk.

“It’s Ember! D’you like it?” asked Cora.

“So cute!” laughed Tiana.

<Yeah! It’s really powerful sounding!> said Ember, before Cora gasped loudly.

“What?” asked Tiana, “Didn’t you know that when a Pokémon is nicknamed they can speak to you?”

Cora shook his head and cuddled Ember.

<Hey, gerroff! I’m not a stuffed toy!> moaned Ember, wriggling wildly.

He narrowly missed Tiana’s face as she pondered on a nickname for her new Treecko. She let Treecko out of her arms to see what her behaviour was like. Treecko walked over to a flower patch, with beautiful pink petals decorating everything in sight. She found a small flower and pulled it from the ground. Inspecting it, she liked the look of it and handed it to Tiana.

“Aw! So cute! How about, Petal?” suggested Tiana, putting the magenta flower in her hair.

<Definitely. I like that,> murmured Petal, in a quiet, high voice.

Tiana picked her new friend up and cuddled her in her arms. Cora placed Ember back on his shoulder and the chick Pokémon blew hot air onto his trainers face.

“Okay, gang! Let’s make our way to Oldale Town!” Cora said happily.

Tiana nodded and they foursome walked through the grassy field. They talked about their families, Tiana shying on the topic of fathers. Cora’s father was a Frontier Brain in the Hoenn Battle Frontier. He was the Brain of the Battle Dome and his name was Tucker.

“I’ve inherited none of his traits. He’s outgoing, rambunctious and to be honest he’s pretty effeminate!” said Cora.

Tiana laughed and didn’t say anything about her father, who had left her and her mother. He had left for reasons unknown to either woman and for that reason Tiana hated him.

Walking through the tall grass, Tiana noticed a small pink worm wriggling through the blades. It’s yellow eyes opened wide as it saw an Oran Berry on the floor. As it’s white feet made small nudges in the ground, Tiana gazed at the Pokémon. She was transfixed by it’s cuteness, and looked at Petal.

“Shall we battle that Pokémon and see if we can catch it?” asked Tiana.

<Um…yeah, okay,> Petal said hesitantly.

“WAIT!” shouted Cora, “Before you start, take your Pokédex out and check what the Pokémon is!”

“Oh yeah,” laughed Tiana, taking the encyclopaedia out of her bag.

She pointed the device at the Pokémon and it began to speak.

“Wurmple, the Worm Pokémon. It spits a white silk that turns sticky when it contacts air. Often targeted by bird Pokémon, it uses the stingers on its tail to attack,” said the female voice of the Pokédex.

“So it’s a Wurmple. And it’s also a Bug-type. Not a great match-up, but we’ll see what we can do!” murmured Tiana, “So get in there, Petal!”

The Treecko jumped out her trainers’ arms and landed in front of Wurmple, albeit a bit scared. As her small feet landed on the ground, the worm Pokémon stared at her. Its yellow eyes squinted at Petal and the reserved gecko walked back nervously. The Wurmple’s tail started to glow a deep, vicious purple, the epitome of bubbling poison. Petal shrieked in sheer terror and she ran back to Tiana, clutching her calf.

Tiana sighed and picked Petal up, cuddling her. She hummed a lullaby and Missy took the hint. She flew in front of the Wurmple and glared at the worm. Missy’s blood-red pearls shone as she channelled her powers, before releasing a powerful Psybeam. Tiana smiled, having practiced battles with Missy in Sinnoh, Missy knew what she was doing in a fight. The beam of psychic energy hit Wurmple and enveloped it in a powerful frenzy of colour. The pink worm shrieked its high cry, and from this Tiana judged it was a girl.

Petal cried as she heard her intimidator’s shrieks of pain. Tiana handed her to Cora, eager to finish the battle. Ember nuzzled the Treecko’s head with his beak, showing off his softer side. The tears still flowed, albeit the wails were neither as loud nor frequent.

“Okay Missy, let’s finish up this battle!” shouted Tiana, full of fury, “I wanna capture this headstrong little worm, so let’s battle hard! Use Shadow Ball!”

Missy’s small mouth opened wide at the command of her trainer. A small ebony ball formed, crackling wildly. As the sphere of energy grew bigger, the colours became more vibrant. Purples and blues were introduced, making the ball look like a three-dimensional bruise. Small sparks of energy flew off the ball, singing some tiny blades of grass.

The Screech Pokémon let the Shadow Ball go and it flew gracefully through the air. Wurmple’s poisonous tail grew larger and taller. Minute purple stings were shot out of the tail, the poison heading straight for the Shadow Ball. The two attacks collided and created a small explosion, indigo smoke blowing everywhere. Tiana gritted her teeth and Petal nudged closer into Cora’s chest. Suddenly, the smoke cleared and revealed a larger Shadow Ball. Taller and wider than Tiana, she was blown away. Wurmple looked on in horror, as she realized her Poison Stings just powered the Shadow Ball up.

As Tiana realized what had happened she beamed with happiness. The ball continued its path through the sky, before colliding with Wurmple. The Pokémon was thrown into the air with the force of the attack, before landing with a thud on the grassy field.

“Alright! Missy, we did it, we did it!” cheered Tiana happily, punching the air with one of her fists.

“Um…Tiana!” said Cora nervously, “You’re supposed to throw the Poké Ball!”

“Oh yeah!” shrieked the girl trainer.

She could see Wurmple started to get up, but before she even had a chance to do so Tiana picked on of the red and white spheres off her belt. She pressed the middle button and the Poké Ball enlarged. Her arm swiftly threw the ball at Wurmple. It hit her and opened mechanically. Wurmple transformed into a red energy, before the ball took Wurmple prisoner in a crimson flare. The ball snapped shut and started to shake rapidly. Tiana’s teeth were clenched and Missy hovered up and down quickly, extremely nervous. Even Petal looked to see what was happening. The rattling of the ball slowed steadily, as Wurmple’s defiance began to lose its war against the strength of the Poké Ball.

Eventually the shaking stopped altogether and the button in the centre of the ball stopped glowing a deep red. A small ‘ding’ sound was heard and Tiana guessed that Wurmple was captured. She picked the ball up and shot her arm forward, the ball held tightly in her palm.

“Awesome work, Tiana. You captured another Pokémon!” Cora said happily, letting Petal out of his protection.

Tiana threw the Poké Ball and the familiar Wurmple appeared.

“Hey Wurmple, my name’s Tiana and I’m going to be your new trainer,” Tiana said smiling, with her hands behind her back to show she wasn’t going to hurt the worm.

<Wurmple,> said Wurmple, looking at her new travelling partners.

She eyed Tiana and gave her a big smile. Tiana smiled back and put her hands in front of her, her palms pointing to Wurmple. The worm nodded and Tiana picked her up. The trainer introduced her new partner to all of her friends, but Petal was slightly apprehensive about getting close to the Wurmple. Tiana smiled and Wurmple murmured something to Petal. It seemingly reassured her slightly and she moved closed to Wurmple.

Tiana knew that if she wanted her Pokémon to be able to talk it would need a nickname. Pokémon researchers did not understand the mechanics of this but many believed that when a Pokémon had a name, it could trust its trainer more and thus was able to talk.

“Hmm, well you seem to like fruit. So how about Strawberry?” suggested Tiana.

<Yes please!> shouted Strawberry loudly.

“Awesome,” said Tiana, nodding her head.

She picked up Petal from the ground and carried her. Strawberry climbed up her arm to her head and sat on her mass of curls. Cora and Ember laughed loudly. The group of six continued their walk to the next town, Oldale Town. As they walked up the route, Petal warmed up to Strawberry. The worm Pokémon seemed to be defiant and headstrong, loving a good battle.

Soon enough they reached the small, tranquil town of Oldale. The town was dotted with small cottages. Tiana noticed the tallest building in the town, the Pokémon Center. A red roof made it obvious what its job was.

“All Pokémon Centers have red roofs,” said Cora intellectually.

“Le duh,” retorted Tiana.

Cora looked a bit crestfallen and Tiana and her three Pokémon giggled as they walked to the Pokémon Center. When they reached it they were amazed at the height of it. It had to have at least thirteen floors, and the outside walls were such a pearly white Tiana though she’d go blind. They entered through the blue tinted doors and entered a lobby full of trainers and Pokémon. A brown haired nurse stood behind a counter. She wore a white hat with a yellow cross sign on it. A white apron covered her yellow dress.

“Hello, can I help you?” she said cheerfully.

“Um…yes,” Cora started.

“Can you heal our Pokémon for us?” asked Tiana.

“Sure, just return them to their Poké Balls and I’ll heal them,” the nurse said happily, “Bring a cart in, Chansey!”

As the two new trainers returned their Pokémon to their Poké Balls, a round pink Pokémon came in. She wore the same hat as the nurse and it looked like she had three thick strands of pink hair on either side of her head. Two stubby arms pushed the grey cart with six holes in it. Chansey’s most prominent feature was the white egg in her pouch.

<Chansey!> cheered the nurse’s helped happily.

Tiana and Cora placed the four spheres on the tray and Chansey wheeled it away, humming happily.

“When your Pokémon are healed, I’ll bring them out to you,” the nurse said.

The pair walked over to a plush red couch and threw themselves onto it. They rested for a few minutes before a trainer turned the flat screen television on. Tuning into Hoenn News Network One, Cora and Tiana looked at the screen. A blonde newswoman was reading a report. The words that came out of her mouth drew everyone’s attention.

“And with Lilycove City being blitzed by the bombs, the flying vehicles were seen moving to-what’s this? Some breaking news for you here, Fortree City has also been bombed by these mysterious villains and they have flown away,” the woman explained.

Everyone in the room was too shocked to speak, and instead kept their eyes glued to the screen.

“Also,” started the newswoman, “Three Gym Leaders at the conference in Lilycove have been killed. The bombers have murdered Wattson, Juan and Flannery. Winona has been seriously injured and the other leaders got away with some cuts and bruises.”

“NO FREAKIN’ WAY!” screamed Tiana, breaking the silence.

The room erupted as the trainers discussed the recent events.

“Arceus, I can’t believe that happened,” Cora said, still in a state of shock.

The newswoman began speaking again.

“Thus, the Hoenn League has been cancelled for this year. Trainers are advised to quickly move to other regions so they do not get behind.”

Even though she was deeply disturbed by the death of lots of people, Tiana beamed happily.

“That means we can go back to Sinnoh! We have to run back to Littleroot Town,” said Tiana happily.

Cora nodded.

Meanwhile, in the shadows of the building, the same woman in the black cloak smirked.

“Looks like we’re relocating to Sinnoh,” she said in her nasally voice, before quickly bounding out of the building.

“So it’s decided, we’re going back to Littleroot Town!” Cora said, as he and Tiana went to collect their Pokémon.

Tiana smiled as the pair left the Pokémon Center.

El fin.

Ooo, spooky! Hope you all enjoyed, so please read, review and rate.
 

Sir Growlie

~Coordinator~
I blame you for the small review, since your story was almost flawless.

“Oh sweet Amity Square,” Tiana said, suddenly remembering what had happened yesterday.
Haha, I like this line. It isn’t incredibly funny, but it is a nice touch to the story, to remind us how much of a city girl Tiana really is.

“Oh, hello Tiana. Look at Zigzagoon,” Birch said happily, pointing his yellow pen to the brown raccoon Pokémon running on the table, “he’ll be released into the wild before you know it!”
You misspelled ‘raccoon’, unless if that is the English spelling, them my bad. The ‘h’ in he’ll shouldn’t be capitalized, since it is a continuation of Birch speaking and that there isn’t a period in front of the quotation marks.

“What?” asked Tiana, “Didn’t you know that when a Pokémon is nicknamed they can speak to you?”
I’m not a big fan of talking Pokemon, it kind of makes the fan fic seem cliche. But, since this is a comedy, I think that it will play out fine as long as you don’t overdo it.

Tiana nodded and the foursome walked through the grassy field.
It should be ‘the’ not ‘they’.

“Oh yeah,” laughed Tiana, taking the encyclopedia out of her bag.
You misspelled encyclopedia.

The bombers have murdered Wattson,
Booyah!!! Take that Wattson!!!!

Sorry for being so happy, he’s my least favorite GYM Leader out of them all. And I mean all of them, even including Roark, I still don’t like him.

Now, this chapter was very good! The description was amazing. I loved how you described the Professor’s lab, the first time Cora saw the Pokeball, each Pokemon, etc. I really felt that I was watching the story, it was so clear and well described. I thought that the grammar and spelling were great, and that you must have proofread a lot. Way to go!

Keep up the great work!
 

Torpoleon

Well-Known Member
Cool chapter! It's ironic how Cora has Torchic and Tiana has Treecko and Ember is a boy and Petal is a girl! The Torchic and Treecko of my story are a boy and girl, respectively. I feel bad for the gym leaders though. So, Sinnoh Time!
 
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TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks guys!

@Sir Growlie: I'll look over those spellings but I'm positive that we Englishmen spell raccoon as racoon. The talking Pokémon bit won't be used much. Only for lines of comedy and maybe some serious scenes. Lastly, Wattson's my least favourite Gym Leader too!

@Torpoleon: Thanks Torpoleon, no need to feel bad for the leaders. They won't be in this story at all.

So yeah, Sinnoh's coming up but not until Chapter 4.

Let the spec-oo-lation begin!
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
“Welcome to Littleroot Town!” Tiana read off a sign, “How joyous.”

She rolled her eyes of sapphire and her mother laughed.

“Tee, I know you didn’t want to come to Hoenn but after your father left I just wanted a fresh start,” Charley said reassuringly.

Tiana flicked her jet-black hair, the bouncy curls moving off her blue-jacket covered shoulders.

“So you decide to move to Hoenn? It’s HOT outside!” moaned Tiana as the taxi slowed.
... We were in a taxi?

I imagined that this girl and her mother were just standing outside and she just happened to see a side that said "Littleroot Town" on it. o_O

You might want to describe the setting a bit more, or hell, even added something like, "Tiana watched as trees rushed past her in the crowded taxi, until the taxi slowed down, giving her time to read a sign up ahead."

She rolled her eyes of sapphire and her mother laughed ...

... Tiana flicked her jet-black hair, the bouncy curls moving off her blue-jacket covered shoulders.
You have this ... awkward way of wording things which I think you're doing for the sake of word padding. I'm not sure why you couldn't just simply put "she rolled her sapphire-colored eyes" or "Tina flicked her black hair, the curls bouncing off her blue jacket".

A small red loveseat with canary yellow cushions sat on top of a verdant green rug. Across from the loveseat was a small television. There was a kitchen with granite worktops, decorated with chocolate brown. Tiana saw a staircase leading up to the bedrooms and presumably a bathroom. She screamed.
The scream here is random. "Look, description! then a scream" is pretty much what you're saying. Why did she scream?

Example: The scene in front of the girl was horrific, something out of a scary movie. Bright furniture was pushed up against the walls, sinking into the deep green of the rug that lay on the polished wood floor. Whimpering and trying to find comfort, she turned her head toward the kitchen, looking, but found nothing but a granite counter top complete with a steel sink gleaming in the daylight. [Blah add more description here cuz I'm lazy lol]

It was gross. So disgusting.

So ...

Quaint.

God, she needed to scream. Get her the hell out of this hellhole.​

“Oh yeah, like the practically extinct volcano and the many plateaus!” Tiana said sarcastically.

“It’s plateaux dear,” corrected Charley.
Same thing is what?

plateau [plat-oh, -ohs]
Noun
Plural: -eaus or -eaux​

If you're trying to point out that the plural of the already correct word of "plateaus" is "plateaux", you're kind of wrong, as "plateaus" is a word along with plateaux. Hell, more people are more familiar with "plateaus" (my firefox spellchecker is underlining the -eaux version as wrong, but meh, firefox does that for a lot of words).

The teenage boy slammed his book shut and stood up. His tight, dark blue top clung to his body, showing off his slight muscles.
Granted, I'm not really a teen anymore, though I'm pretty sure I don't know any boys that wear tight shirts in college, let alone back when I went to high/middle school, not unless they're surfing, and those are wet suits anyway.

And it has to be a REALLY tight shirt to show his muscles through his shirt, or some sort of material that isn't commonly used in casual clothing, like spandex.

Slight nitpick, but whatevs.

“Okay Roselia, use Magical Leaf,” ordered the trainer, in a very nasally voice.

Black leaves shot at the brown, racoon like Pokémon. Zigzagoon was flung in the air and landed with a thud, the leaves creating deep wounds.

“That’s not normal behaviour,” said Tiana worryingly.

Zigzagoon’s zigzagged fur was now a mix of chocolate brown, creamy white and crimson blood.

“Use Razor Leaf,” commanded the trainer in black.

Tiana gasped loudly, and quickly hid behind a bush to avoid being discovered. She peered over the thick shrub and saw razor-sharp leaves flying through the air. They reached Zigzagoon, who was trying to escape, and sliced it. More cuts appeared and crimson seeped out.

“I gotta stop this,” murmured Tiana.
Lol, okay, let's just stop here.

Battling is now against the rules? Battling, as often as it's seen in all forms, via games, manga, anime, is BAD? Not normal anymore?

Unfortunately, the problem here is your description is lacking, and while you want the reader to see something so SHOCKING, so HORRIBLE, the reader pretty much sees a battle. A plain, simple battle that just happens to have a more realistic touch because the pokemon got hurt and was cut (which, if you think about it, should happen anyway). There was nothing horrifying about it. The only thing that would not be normal about this was if the zigzagoon was viciously wounded (which you don't make it seem like with it "oh noez, it's bleeding" description) and not moving, yet the trainer continued to beat the snot out of it anyway.

Whilst properly yelling crap like, "Get up, you weakling!" or something rude like that. Or kicking it to get it back on its feet so it could battle.

Crap, something abusive that would trigger any empathetic creature's reaction.

They ran, and in Missy’s case hovered, back to Littleroot Town, blood spilling all over Tiana and her clothes. She tripped over a couple of rocks, making more blood spill out. When she returned to Littleroot, she was covered in blood from head to foot.
This description was almost ... like ... a bad, amateur-made horror scene. Why would tripping over rocks made the zigzagoon bleed more? Did she squeeze it hard when she did, thus making it gush?

And would all this blood really cover her head to toe? >_> I can see stains on her shirt maybe, from trying to wrap the zigzagoon so it wouldn't bleed everywhere, but really. You make it sound like its gushing fountains of blood, which I doubt it is seeing as it was cut by leaves. Sharp leaves, but not knives that can leave deep stab wounds.

The first chapter just sounds like you ripped the introduction from Ru/Sa/Em, replaced them your own characters and tweaked it just slightly so you're not copying May and Brendan's story. Yet there's similarities. You are not writing about Brendan and May. You and writing your own story with your own characters. So don't steal theirs.

I mean, come on. You couldn't think of anything new? You have a new kid, funny enough, moving into Littleroot Town. You have the news report of the new gym leader. You have the new kid running next door to meet neighbors. You have new kids going into the wild grass and fighting a battle she wasn't suppose to fight (ie Brendan/May going to save Professor Birch and are FORCED to fight the poochyena/zigzagoon to save him). You have Professor Birch offering new kid to go on a journey.

Nothing new.

Nothing interesting.

Just "Ima replace Brendan and May with my made up characters" and tweak plot slightly. =\

Bah.

Skimming chapter 2, I can tell it's already rushed and your character is spiraling toward a "Black Hole Mary Sue" (which I will define later). I'll edit this post with my review for chapter 2 sooner or later (gotta get back to my paper >_>).
 
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TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Thanks Breezy. I'll try and take your advice has best I can, your review was really good. Black Hole Mary Sue, never heard of that before! I'm impatiently waiting to here what it is!
 

Breezy

Well-Known Member
Cora smiled and dropped the blue backpack he was carrying. He nudged closer to Tiana before saying, “Professor, where are our starter Pokémon?”

Birch smiled and walked over to a grey trey with three red and white spheres on them, like the one that Missy was contained in.

<I’m so excited! We’re going to go on a journey and battle and YAY!> Missy said in a sing-song manner.
I think you're missing the point of the starter pokemon. Or the "start" part, rather. Why does Tiana need a pokemon that is given to trainers AT THE START of their journey for the sake that they can't go out and catch their own without one if she already has an apparently decently trained pokemon? The gap between Tiana's starter and Missy is going to be so huge that it's pretty much pointless to have the starter anyway.

This also begs the question of why Missy knows moves like psybeam, an average move (certainly not a beginner, basic move) if Tiana "is not a trainer" and apparently has never trained her before.

Cora looked on in amazement at the spheres, having never seen a Poké Ball up close before. The top half shone with a crimson glow and the bottom was snowy white.
I'm not sure why you have this fear of just using plain, simple colors. Crimson is dark red, hell, almost purplish-red. The top of a pokeball is just red.

You want to be careful with you use a thesaurus to find another word for red, or any color for that matter because it might not be the right color you have in mind. Cyan is different for blue. Lime is different from green.

“Okay! I’d like to take that Torchic,” Cora said, smiling as Torchic’s face lit up, “He looks like he has real fighting spirit and he’ll be awesome in battle!”

Tiana said, “Wow, Cora, you’ve really changed your personality!”
Whaaaat? Lol.

Change in personality? Did he even have a personality? Hell, the portion I just quoted holds no personality whatsoever, so I'm not sure what Tiana is comparing him too.

Skimming back over chapter 1, you never really gave Cora a definite personality. He didn't act shy and withdrawn around Cora or was quiet and hesitant to do things. He was just ... a boy. A boy with no sort of attitude, and his "excitement" line in this quote really doesn't show his excitement either.

“Say, shouldn’t we give our Pokémon nicknames?” asked Cora.

“Um…yeah. I can’t think of one for a Treecko though,” Tiana said, pondering.

“I’ve got a great one for you Torchic,” Cora said smiling.

Torchic chirped happily, waiting for the moment when he’d be able to talk.

“What?” asked Tiana, “Didn’t you know that when a Pokémon is nicknamed they can speak to you?”
This is ... one of the most oddest explanations of why the trainer can understand his pokemon that I have ever read. Nicknames = giving the pokemon able to talk to their humans?

No, lol. Nicknames DO NOT EQUAL immediate bonding and closeness. More likely than then not, the trainer who is close with his/her pokemon has given his/her pokemon a nickname.

This is a nitpick, though, and you don't need to necessarily change it. Just seems like a bizarre reasoning, IMO.

“I’ve inherited none of his traits. He’s outgoing, rambunctious and to be honest he’s pretty effeminate!” said Cora.
How does Cora have this well-rehearsed list of adjectives to describe his father? How many times has he talked about his dad where it comes out sound listy and plasticy?

And, from the lack of personality you are not giving Cora, you don't really see a complete opposite of "outgoing and rambunctious". And "effeminate"? Really? You couldn't think of a more simpler word to describe that his dad is pretty much a metrosexual or that his dad is, dare I say, girly?
Example) "Well," muttered Cora quietly, looking down. "My dad is ... my dad is ... Well, he's nothing like me." He twiddled his thumbs nervously. "He's pretty out there ... kind of girly."​
“Okay Missy, let’s finish up this battle!” shouted Tiana, full of fury, “I wanna capture this headstrong little worm, so let’s battle hard! Use Shadow Ball!”
So ... an apparently well-trainer misdreavus can't knock out a wurmple, something so puny and weak, in one blow? >_>

This also further points out why Tiana doesn't needs a STARTER pokemon when she has an already well-trained one.

The Screech Pokémon let the Shadow Ball go and it flew gracefully through the air. Wurmple’s poisonous tail grew larger and taller. Minute purple stings were shot out of the tail, the poison heading straight for the Shadow Ball. The two attacks collided and created a small explosion, indigo smoke blowing everywhere. Tiana gritted her teeth and Petal nudged closer into Cora’s chest. Suddenly, the smoke cleared and revealed a larger Shadow Ball. Taller and wider than Tiana, she was blown away. Wurmple looked on in horror, as she realized her Poison Stings just powered the Shadow Ball up.
What kind of wurmple is this? >_> Is it the gods of wurmples?

Shadow Ball, much like psybeam, is no rookie move and should knock something, like poison sting, off course, if not absorb it. And why would poison sting make a shadow ball explode? Balls of energy vs balls of energy may cause explosions. It would see that the shadow ball would just absorb the wurmple's attack in its spiral.

She could see Wurmple started to get up, but before she even had a chance to do so Tiana picked on of the red and white spheres off her belt. She pressed the middle button and the Poké Ball enlarged. Her arm swiftly threw the ball at Wurmple. It hit her and opened mechanically. Wurmple transformed into a red energy, before the ball took Wurmple prisoner in a crimson flare. The ball snapped shut and started to shake rapidly. Tiana’s teeth were clenched and Missy hovered up and down quickly, extremely nervous. Even Petal looked to see what was happening. The rattling of the ball slowed steadily, as Wurmple’s defiance began to lose its war against the strength of the Poké Ball.
This is just a text block of listing one action after the other.

She did this. She did that. She threw it. Ball absorbed pokemon. ball shook. She waited nervously. Ball stopped shaking.

^
is what you're pretty much saying once you get rid of the detail.

You want to take advantage of sentence structure when you're describing action like this so it doesn't bore your reader with its montonous tone.
Example) Tiana picked up a red and white ball from her belt, enlarging it with the press of a button. Reeling her arm back, she cried, "Go, pokeball" as she released the ball from her grip. The ball spiraled, its colors blurring, and it hit the wurmple square on the head. Red light surrounded the fallen pokemon, withdrawing the pokemon into the ball's grasp. With clenched teeth, Tiana impatiently and nervously waited for the ball to stop shaking, indicating the wurmple's defeat.​
Tiana threw the Poké Ball and the familiar Wurmple appeared.

“Hey Wurmple, my name’s Tiana and I’m going to be your new trainer,” Tiana said smiling, with her hands behind her back to show she wasn’t going to hurt the worm.

<Wurmple,> said Wurmple, looking at her new travelling partners.

She eyed Tiana and gave her a big smile. Tiana smiled back and put her hands in front of her, her palms pointing to Wurmple. The worm nodded and Tiana picked her up. The trainer introduced her new partner to all of her friends, but Petal was slightly apprehensive about getting close to the Wurmple. Tiana smiled and Wurmple murmured something to Petal. It seemingly reassured her slightly and she moved closed to Wurmple.
Wasn't this wurmple pretty much fainted? Capturing it doesn't heal a pokemon (as shown in the game and the anime, for the trainer never really immediately calls out the pokemon he just captured), so wouldn't this wurmple at least be panting for breath instead of "here I am, in all my glory, rehealed!"

That being said, if I was that wurple, I would be mad that I lost and mad at the trainer that just captured me, seeing as you constantly wrote that this wurmple is "hardheaded" and apparently did not want to get capture, let alone lose the fight. It wouldn't just give up and smile back at her trainer just because the trainer said, "Hey, Ima nickname you!"

Tiana knew that if she wanted her Pokémon to be able to talk it would need a nickname. Pokémon researchers did not understand the mechanics of this but many believed that when a Pokémon had a name, it could trust its trainer more and thus was able to talk.
Repeat from above; nicknames =\= immediate trust. Trust is built between trainer and pokemon, and most likely the trainer will nickname a pokemon because they like it so much.

Exampleeeee from my own lame story, Brendan and Muddy (who was unnicknamed to begin with) were able to communicate early on since Brendan has had Muddy even before the story started. Likewise, May was able to communicate with her torchic for the sake that they bonded together when trying to save the professor.

An example of trust slowly building BUT with a nickname would be Brendan and Sapphire. Sapphire never communicates with Brendan in the early chapters until the trust is slowly built with Brendan trying to get her to open up.

Of course, there are many ways to go around this, and you can use this "nickname = opening up" but you might want to focus on the bonding between trainer then just the "nickname, trust me" thing you have going on.
“Also,” started the newswoman, “Three Gym Leaders at the conference in Lilycove have been killed. The bombers have murdered Wattson, Juan and Flannery. Winona has been seriously injured and the other leaders got away with some cuts and bruises.” ...

... “Thus, the Hoenn League has been cancelled for this year. Trainers are advised to quickly move to other regions so they do not get behind.”

Even though she was deeply disturbed by the death of lots of people, Tiana beamed happily.

“That means we can go back to Sinnoh! We have to run back to Littleroot Town,” said Tiana happily.
Oh, boy ... And here is what I meant by my "black hole mary sue" comment in my first review.

To quote TvTropes:

Definition of black hole sue said:
Her gravity is so great, she draws all the attention and causes other characters (and, often, reality itself) to bend and contort in order to accommodate her. Characters don't act naturally around her. They instead serve as plot enablers for her, with dialogue that only acts as set-ups for her response. She dominates every scene she is in, with most scenes without her serving only to give the characters a chance to "talk freely" about her. Most people don't oppose her and anybody who does will either realize their fault in doing so or just prove easy to overcome.

How lucky for Tiana, that the gym leaders were all clustered together AT THE EXACT MOMENTS these random bombs drop. How lucky that three of the eight gym leaders were killed, forcing her to go back to another region to travel. How lucky that she can return to Sinnoh and get out of the hellhole of Hoenn even though, most likely, that these gyms in Hoenn probably have other trainers that can replace them for the time being.

Why? Why can't they just replace the gym leaders with their understudies? Or find new ones? Granted, all the gyms MIGHT close down for a week or so in mourning, but life goes on. People come and people go. There is no excuse for trainers having to leave for a YEAR because of this unfortunate incident.

The deaths of the gym leaders is not what is disturbing about this section. It's the fact that Tiana GIVES NO EMOTIONAL RESPONSE to the death of three promiment figures in not just Hoenn (if not at least Wattson for his elderly, veteran status), but more than likely the entire pokemon world and the only thing she can think of is that "Hey, I can go to Sinnoh now!" Even if you don't know these people, it's still a horrifying to know that something this terrible can happen in the world.

Example, the 9/11 attacks. No one was perkily thinking "Hey, I can move to California now!" I'll admit, this is a huge apple and oranges comparision, but the fact still remains that Tiana gives no sympathetic remark or anything like that.

And what is going on with these bombs? No one, after seeing the Lilycove ones, tried to defend themselves against the ones in Fortree? Again, going back to that 9/11 attacks, people were up in arms in defending other prominent locations (Los Angeles was going nuts, from what I remember that day). So they just back and did nothing, knowing that Lilycove was bombed and that their town wasn't that far away?

How determined is this "black shadow" character anyway to stalk Tiana and follow her to Sinnoh anyway? Then again, I suppose I would be mad too if "battling" was now a crime, according to this holier-than-thou girl.

I think you're focusing more on the actual description then the actual plot and the mechanics of it. Wurmples are not beastly; they would not be able to counteract a shadow ball and make it explode.

A trainer with a pokemon would not need a starter to START her off.

Nicknames do not equal trust.

Just because you say the character is quiet, doesn't mean he is if you fail to describe how he is quiet or shy. Your characters, perhaps besides Petal, are pretty flat. You constantly tell the reader that they are "hardheaded" or "withdraw" yet you never give proof or show, via an action, that they are withdrawn or hardheaded. Tiana is apparently heartless and selfish, for the only thing she can get out of such a horrifying event is that she can go back to Sinnoh. Going even further back, she doesn't give two craps that her treeko is literally crying and whimpering? She just plops her off in Cora's hand so she can deal with the wurmple while Cora does what Tiana should be doing by comforting Petal? How heartless, how selfish, is this girl?

I really hope this is a lapse in judgment rather then her personality because no reader is going to feel sympathetic for Tiana ever.

Besides that, there is nothing really definable about her other that she gives random temper tantrums and recovers from them in a matter of seconds.

As I said, you seem to be focusing more on your description and trying really hard to make it so it doesn't stick out. I can tell you've been reading my, and others, reviews about the importance of describing things and not making it sound list-like (which is still kind of does, but eh). I will give you kudos at embedding character description via an action instead of bluntly stating it.

It's okay to list detail, especially if it's something small. You don't want to pile them on the reader though, but again, it's okay to spread out description over the course of the chapter. Give the reader the bare basics of the pokemon (like color, snape) and then pick up on detail later on in the story.

I mean, I get what you're trying to do, and the fact that you're trying to drive away from the basic journey plot is appreciated. But the reasoning behind certain things are so "wtf-like" that the reader can't really appreciate the plot and the characters.
 
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TurtwigFan1

burning it down
Okay, I get what you're talking about. I'm going to take your advice and work with it. Sorry about my reasonings, and in the next chapter we'll get some good character development. About the nickname thing, I've got something up my sleeve now!
 
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Drew'sBaby

Coordinator
Aw! It is adorable, great job! ^^
 
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