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Black Rose - Redux

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by TurtwigFan1, Apr 27, 2009.

  1. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Black Rose

    Hey all. I've made some additions and adjustments to the story to make it better and more interesting to read. Please give honest reviews and tell me everything I need to know. If you have good advice, please give it. So here it is: Black Rose - Redux!

    PM List

    Shadow Lucario

    Chapter 1 – Home Leaf Home! A Trip to the Lake and a Battle to Remember!

    The house looked very small and the green roof was covered with specks of an apparent light snow shower the night before. An oak door was at the front of the house and on the face were three small windows. Tiana looked up at it in disgust, already missing her gorgeous apartment back in Johto.

    “Mom, do we have to live here?” Tiana moaned, flicking her ebony black curls over her shoulder.

    “Sweetie, it’s lovely. A nice rural house in the beautiful Sinnoh region. Sure it’s a bit cold-” Charley said, before she was interrupted by her teenage daughter.

    “A bit? There’s snow almost everywhere!” complained Tiana as she dropped her pink backpack onto the white blanket of snow.

    “Honey, just go in. The mover van will be here soon,” explained Charley.

    Tiana glared at her mother with her sapphire blue eyes and stormed into the house, her pink baseball shoes crunching on the light frosting of snow. Happy at the move from the hustle and bustle of Goldenrod City, Charley untied her blonde hair from its hair-tie and walked gleefully into the house. She saw Tiana moping around, fumbling over her pink belt for a familiar ball. The red and white sphere was the size of a ping-pong ball and Tiana’s hand rubbed lightly against the top half. Ready to let her best friend out of her confinement, the fifteen-year old pressed the white button in the centre of the sphere and it somehow enlarged to the size of a tennis ball. Smiling, Tiana threw the ball and it opened, letting out a flare of crimson light. The light formed into a small, vaguely humanoid shape resembling a monkey. However, its tail ended in a three-fingered hand. Suddenly the red light faded and it revealed a purple Pokémon with a large toothy grin. Her two big ears twitched happily and the ruff of messy hair on her head bounced as the Aipom bounced on her yellow tail-hand.

    Happily, Tiana picked up her Pokémon and cuddled it tightly, having not been able to let it out on the flight from Johto. The Long Tail Pokémon giggled and perched herself on her trainer’s right shoulder, nuzzling her black curls. Tiana didn’t mind that her Pokémon stood on her light blue jacket and smiled at her in response. The girl noticed that one of her Aipom’s hairs had strayed onto her mint green top and she brushed it off onto the wooden floor. Charley walked in and placed her handbag down. The two women looked around the small lounge, noticing the tiny two-seater loveseat and medium-sized television. Tiana found the remote and turned it on, throwing herself onto the couch with her Pokémon next to her. Her mother rolled her eyes and wandered into the kitchen, fascinated to find what her new studio of culinary arts would look like. Trying to find the Sinnoh News Network One, Sinnoh’s alleged best news channel, Tiana sighed brushed her free hand through her hair.

    “Handie? Do you wanna try finding the channel?” asked Tiana begrudgingly.

    <Ooo oo ah ah! Thanks!> Handie said.

    Pokémon could only use their knowledge of human language when trust was established between them and their trainer. Handie grabbed the remote with her tail-hand and used her two small arms to press the buttons. After some trial and error, she finally worked out how it worked and with some amazement turned the channel over. The Aipom laughed at the wondrous handset and pressed the button repeatedly, until Tiana told her to stop. Handie placed the remote on the couch and Tiana grabbed her best friend and placed her on her lap. Cuddling each other, they settled down to watch the Sinnoh News at Three. Not really understanding what the newsreader was saying about ‘Jims’ and ‘Con-tests’, Handie looked, transfixed, at the screen, with the hope the blonde woman would explain.

    “So then, all trainers and co-ordinators, head out on your journeys because the Sinnoh League officially starts today!” the newsreader read too cheerfully.

    “Hey, maybe we should go on our journey now, Handie? I mean, I’m fifteen and that’s a good age! And plus we’d get to get out of this horrible cottage!” Tiana said cheerfully, which resulted in a nod from Handie.

    From the kitchen Charley shouted, “No-one’s stopping you honey!”

    “Mom? Is all of Sinnoh boring and cottagey?” asked Tiana hopefully.

    Charley laughed and walked back into the lounge, a grin on her face.

    “No it’s not honey. There’s plenty of big cities,” she replied.

    Tiana jumped in the air happily and Handie followed suit. Dancing happily, Handie and Tiana laughed, suddenly liking their new home. As the realization of Gyms and cities Tiana had never heard of sunk in, she got even more excited and picked her Aipom up. A tight hug followed but a loud noise was heard from outside. Charley quickly opened the door to discover the large moving van, with all of their cases in the back.


    After a long time unpacking, the evening began to draw in and the sun began its slow descent through the colourful sky, a collage of pinks, yellows and blues. This was the view from Tiana’s bedroom window, which she sat by in a plush cyan armchair. Her faithful companion Handie sat on the head of the chair eating a tasty banana. The black-haired teenager looked at her clock, which read ‘5:21PM’. She decided to explore Twinleaf Town, but only as long as she was back by ten.

    “There won’t be enough space to explore!” Tiana retorted to her mother.

    Outside her new house, Tiana saw that her next-door neighbour’s house was exactly the same, right down to the colour of the flowers. Feeling rather like a statistic in a computer-generated world, Tiana wandered to the front door of the next house. She apprehensively knocked, but instead found herself knocking onto thin air. A lanky, brown-haired teenager opened the door, and a shocked look appeared on his face as Handie grinned. Tiana immediately felt herself go very queasy, as the boy’s violet eyes pierced into her skin. His chestnut hair was down to his shoulders, and he had a long side fringe.

    “Hello?” he said, picking a purple jacket of a coat hanger.

    As he placed the jacket over his tight, dark blue top, Tiana opened her mouth to speak. However nothing came and Handie giggled.

    “Um? Mom! Someone’s at the door!” shouted the handsome boy, fidgeting with his purple belt.

    A middle-aged woman wearing a red apron over a white dress came quickly to the door. She smiled at Tiana and Handie.

    “Hello? Are you the new neighbours?” asked the woman.

    “Uh, yeah. I’m, just, y’know, lookin’ around the neighbourhood, my name’s Tiana,” she said too quickly.

    “Nice to meet you, I’m Teresa,” said Teresa, “Hey! Since you’re new to Sinnoh, why don’t you go with Cora to Lake Verity? He’s researching legendary Pokémon.”

    “Wow, cool, yeah!” spluttered Tiana.

    Cora smoothed his skinny black jeans and said, “Why not?”

    His husky voice made Tiana feel like jelly and she nodded.

    ‘I gotta pull myself together,’ Tiana said to herself.

    “Goodbye Cora, be back soon because you have to read a story to Leah,” Teresa said before waving to her son.

    Cora and Tiana left the house and Handie shook the dark-haired boy’s hand with her tail. Cora laughed and Tiana noticed he had a book in his hand. The cover looked rather worn, and Tiana could make out the words, ‘Cora’s Journal.’

    “So why’re you goin’ the lake?” asked Tiana.

    Cora smirked. “I love the mythology of the Sinnoh region, and our planet as a whole! Apparently, Lake Verity is home to a legendary Pokémon, Mesprit. Mesprit is know as the being of Emotion and I just love going to see the lake, making observations and stuff like that.”

    Her eyes gleaming, Tiana nodded with her mouth hung open. Handie recognized Tiana’s dopey look, and whispered into her trainer’s ear. The infatuated teenager shook her head violently, and Handie giggled.

    “Um…so Tiana. Are you a trainer?” asked Cora, trying to break the ice.

    “Well…I kinda want to be…but I just keep putting it off because, well…I don’t want to leave home,” Tiana said, a miserable look on her face.

    “I’m thinking of going on a journey this year. Hopefully I can get a starter Pokémon. If I could just see a sign of Mesprit, I’d be inspired!” said Cora breathlessly, “I’ve been to this lake about fifty times, and my efforts have been fruitless. I’ve not once seen a sign of that amazing legend.”

    Tiana nodded and smiled as the group reached a clearing. The air became misty and the vegetation became thinner. Clutching his journal, Cora bounded ahead. Soon enough, Tiana couldn’t see her crush and had to run, much to the amusement of Handie. Tripping over a lot of stray branches and logs, the Aipom trainer caught up with Cora. He was sat on a slate-grey rock, his journal open. Tiana could see his tightly crossed fingers and the way his clenched teeth ground against each other. Flicking her hair, Tiana made her way over to the rock and sat down next to Cora.

    The view of the lake was breathtaking. Mist gracefully danced across the surface, weaving through the trees as if following intense choreography. Blue as Tiana’s eyes, the crystal waters were motionless. Beautiful flowers adorned the edge of the lake. Handie noticed a small tree filled with Nanab berries, her favourites. The monkey bounded over to the tree and munched hungrily on the berries. Cora and Tiana laughed, Tiana enjoying the scene. The pair began careful observation of the lake, trying to spot signs that Mesprit did indeed exist. Every time a leaf fell off a tree, someone nudged the other excitedly, only to have their hopes dashed. After a while, Cora shut his journal and sighed. He stood up slowly and shook his head.

    “Honestly, I’ve wasted the last two years of my life with this stupid thing I’ve got in my head,” Cora moaned.

    Suddenly, Tiana noticed a small splash on the surface of the water. Seeing no Pokémon or humans, she narrowed her eyes and locked them on that position. As Cora rambled, Tiana saw another splash that made the lake ripple slightly.

    “…and I’ve always been so convinced!” Cora shouted.

    “Cora, shut up a minute. Look at the lake,” Tiana murmured; pointing to the splash-site, “I keep seeing a splash.”

    Shaking his head, Cora reluctantly looked at the lake. A small splash sparked his interest and he felt a wave of accomplishment surge through his entire being. Yet another splash came and Handie wandered over to her trainer, sitting on her shoulder and also looking at the lake. The splashes continued and soon enough the surface of the water looked like rings of an ancient tree. The ripples were becoming more frequent and Cora’s beam was from ear to ear.

    “Oh my Arceus,” he said, laughing quietly to himself.

    Tiana looked up at him and smiled, as his transfixed gaze broke.

    “I can’t believe it. I saw a sign. Mesprit. It must be there! No matter what, I know it’s there!” said Cora excitedly.

    Laughing, the pair of teenagers and Handie left the lakefront and made their way back to Twinleaf Town. The sky was much darker now, looking like a large bruise. It was a combination of dark blues, purples and deep blacks. As the stars twinkled above them, the explorers wandered back into Twinleaf Town. Cora walked Tiana to her door and she waved goodbye to her new friend. Happy to be home, Tiana smiled when she saw Charley.

    “Did you have a good time?” asked her mother.

    ”Yeah, it was so fun. By the way mom, do you reckon I should go on a journey?” asked Tiana.

    “I don’t see why not. Hey, I think there’s a battle on TV tonight. Between some hall matron and someone else. I believe it’s in the Battle Frontier?” suggested Charley, forgetting some details.

    Tiana smiled and sank into the couch, picking up the remote. She turned the television on and surfed through the channels until she saw a channel called ‘Battle Frontier 1’. A tall man holding a microphone was on the screen, announcing the start of the battle. Behind him, Tiana could see hundreds of people in some sort of audience. The man moved away from the screen and took his place in a small white box. A battlefield was in front of him, painted on the ground in white. Two people stood at either end. One was a tallish boy with a red flat cap and dark blue jacket and on the other side was a woman dressed in red. They both nodded and the referee lifted two flags, one green and one red.

    “This Frontier Battle between Lucas Diamond and Hall Matron Argenta is about to begin. Each trainer will use one Pokémon and when one Pokémon falls, the other will win the battle and receive the Coloured Print! Ready, BEGIN!” shouted the referee.

    “Okay, go Torterra!” shouted the boy, throwing a Poké Ball.

    The ball exploded and out came a very tall quadruped. It was mostly green in colour and a large tree grew from its back. Three spiky rocks were next to the old-looking tree.

    “Let’s go, Electivire!” ordered the Hall Matron.

    A yellow Pokémon with two thin black tails jumped out of the Poké Ball, the tips of the tails crackling with volts of electricity. Its yellow and black fur shimmered as the electricity pumped through the Pokémon’s veins.

    “Wow,” gasped Tiana as she propped herself up in her seat.

    <Oo> murmured Handie.

    “Torterra, use Frenzy Plant!” Lucas shouted to his Pokémon.

    “Hmm…Electivire, Thunder!” commanded Argenta.

    Torterra pounded the ground with its two front legs and the force caused half a dozen thick, spiky roots shoot through the ground. They twisted in the air, as if they were witch hands when cackling loudly. With the speed and grace of a ballerina, the roots flew through the air as Torterra commanded them to. As Tiana gazed on in wonder, Electivire’s two tail tips crackled. Sparks of electricity grew into full-blown bolts and soon enough a huge centre of electricity was formed. The roots flying through the air, Electivire sent the electric blast at them in an effort to stop them in their tracks. Even though each attack was at a very high speed, they seemed to pierce the air in front of them slowly, making Tiana tense and she started to bite her fingernails as the two attacks drew closer to their inevitable collision.

    Suddenly the attacks collided and a huge billow of thick, black smoke covered the entire battlefield, obscuring it and the Pokémon from view. Tiana quickly drew breath, waiting for the outcome of the attacks. Hearing coughs and splutters, Tiana could see the smoke dispersing and anticipated the result. Would Frenzy Plant have pierced the jolt of electricity? Or would that high voltage burnt the roots to a crisp? Tiana was about to find out as the smoke cleared up to reveal both Pokémon, still standing. A gasp came from Tiana and the battler’s mouths. Argenta smirked as she saw Torterra completely still. Puzzled by this, Tiana looked at Handie but she was staring at the screen, as still as Torterra. As if he could read Tiana’s mind, the referee said to the camera that after using Frenzy Plant, Pokémon must recharge. Tiana realized that this could leave a great opening for the Hall Matron.

    With Electivire ready to attack, Argenta commanded another attack and one of her Pokémon’s fists became a snowy white. The crystallized hand shone in the spotlights, as the ice glistened beautifully. The Thunderbolt Pokémon ran forward and Torterra closed its eyes and turned away, anticipating the result of the punch. As Electivire grew closer, Lucas begged his Pokémon to attack, but to no avail. Torterra was simply too exhausted. Its entire mountainous being breathed heavily as Electivire ran at top speed. The Electric-type drew its arm back and slammed it into Torterra’s face. The freezing ice caused massive damage to the weak Torterra and the sheer force of the Ice Punch pushed it back. Argenta laughed as the Continent Pokémon closed its eyes and collapsed to the ground, too exhausted to move.

    “This battle is over, Hall Matron Argenta is the winner!” shouted the referee.

    Cheers were heard from the audience as the two battlers returned their Pokémon. They moved to the centre of the battlefield and customarily shook hands. Smiling, Argenta turned to wave at the camera and Lucas ran off, seemingly to train. Having enjoyed the battle very much, albeit it’s shortness and Lucas underestimating Argenta, Tiana turned the television off and picked her Aipom up. Cuddling each other, they silently thought about whether or not they’d enjoy a journey.

    “D’you reckon we should?” asked Tiana.

    <Oo, yeah!> Handie laughed, excited at the thought of a journey.

    “Mom! Handie and me are going on a journey together! Hey, I wonder if Cora wants to come with?” suggested Tiana.

    Handie nodded as Charley came into the room. The concerned mother sat down and told to Tiana to stay away from very strange strangers but Tiana just told her that she knew all that. Looking at the clock, she saw it was only half past eight and decide to go next door to ask Cora. A little nervous, she rapped on the door and smiled when she saw Cora open it.

    “Yeah? What brings you back so soon? Couldn’t resist my magnetic pull? Too hot to handle, eh?” Cora laughed, pulling Tiana’s leg.

    “Um…yeah…um. I came to ask if you wanted to go on a journey with me and I’m thinking of going not tomorrow but the day after, so I can have enough time to get ready so do you wanna come with me, I mean you don’t have to if you don’t want to because…” rambled Tiana.

    “Shut up, you. Of course I’ll come. My mom said I go whenever I like. I’ll just have to prepare tomorrow, okay?” Cora said happily.

    Thrilled, Tiana nodded. But before she left she had a pressing question to ask Cora.

    “Do you need a starter Pokémon?” she asked nervously.

    “Uh…yeah I do.”

    “Where will you one from?”

    “Professor Rowan in Sandgem Town, very strict man but with some GORGEOUS assistants. I mean, I’m not a flirt or anythin’, but they are H-O-T HOT!”

    Feeling a pang of jealousy Tiana smiled and walked back to her home. Charley had dinner waiting for her and she and Handie eagerly tucked in. Excited to start her journey, she scoffed her meal down and went upstairs to her bedroom to pack. She sighed at the thought of Cora liking other girls, but she dismissed it and remembered how she thought Lance, the Johto League Champion was cute.

    “Just a celebri- well some sort of crush,” she said, waving her hand in the air.

    After packing some essentials she went downstairs and watched some television with her mother. They discussed her journey and whether she was ready and Tiana reassured her mother. Late at night, the teenager crept up to her plush bed and changed into her Aipom decorated pyjamas. Ready for a good nights sleep, she settled into her bed and drifted off, Handie sleeping right next to her. In a day, she’d be on the road. She couldn’t wait.

    El fin.

    I hope you enjoyed Chapter 1, albeit it's shortness. I promise that future chapters will be longer, and I know because they're written!
    Last edited: Jul 6, 2009
  2. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    Heh...I accidentally stumbled upon this ^^;

    One thing I don't understand about this sentence...I don't get what Handie said...
    Other than that...wow. I am interested, you've got a good story going here. Put me on the PM list if you have one ^_^
    sweet_piplup123 ;393;
  3. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Thanks, SP. You're on the PM list. Handie just said 'oo'. That's all, like 'Oo oo ah ah'! That's all. :D
  4. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    Hi Turty (if I can call you that)! I thought that the whole idea is really very interesting and can't wait to read more because this start is unusual and different from most stories - mine as an example. You didn't have a normal trainer start but actualy made it interesting and this is a great way to capture more readers. Please can you put me on the PM list.

    Now to get onto picking a few things out:​

    Okay with the quote above read it through again and then you might see the repetiveness of names. After you've introduced who's speaking you only need to have "Honey, just go in. The mover van will be here soon," Here we understand that its Charley saying it as there is no-on else around who would call Tiana that​

    Here you have bounced in a concesion which is a little tough to read. Try and liven it up as your description is really great and put in at the correct places and not listed like some people do.

    Overall I think that was about all I saw that really needed to be picked up on as the others should improves as the story progresses. One thing is towards the end of the Capters your dialogoue became rather strange (can't think of anything else to put there) with things like Mum I'm going on my journey. I wonder if Cora wants to go you wrote something like that and you could liven that up by puttin description before she talked about her wandering into the room and so on and her Mum's reaction something like that. But anyway a great start well done.​
  5. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Thanks a lot Harry, you're on the PM list. I'm not very good at ending chapters, I can never find a good way to end them, so it ends up being a bit weird! :D
  6. Sir Growlie

    Sir Growlie ~Coordinator~

    No need to fear, Sir Growlie is here!

    ‘From’ completes the sentence.

    I liked how you described the Pokeball, that’s what you want to do. When describing objects/things, try to include the following: size, color, quantity, actions, etc. Also, metaphors and similes can help in description too.

    Here are a few ways that you can re-construct this sentence:

    1) Tiana sighed. She brushed her free hand through her hair.
    2) Tiana sighed while brushing her hair with her free hand.
    3) Tiana sighed; she brushed her hair with her free hand.
    4) Tiana brushed her free hand through her hair and sighed.

    You needed to add punctuation and construct the sentence differently for clarity.

    When writing a story, use words instead of numbers. You should’ve wrote fifteen out instead of putting 15. Also, I added a few words at the end of the sentence for clarity.

    I replaced ‘too quickly’ with ‘rapidly’ because it sounds better with the sentence.

    Try and relate to people by what they are instead of their names. It sounds weird when you have: “My name is Teresa,” said Teresa.. Also, the ‘h’ in hey needs to be lowercase since she is still speaking and there wasn’t a period before the quotation marks.

    You have to change ‘sat’ to ‘sitting’ for subject-verb agreement since the sentence is in past-progressive form.

    I took out ‘very strange’ and just left it as ‘strangers’.

    You needed to add a verb and I think that ‘get’ fits in with the sentence.

    Now that I've finished with the proofreading, I'll review a few characters.

    Cora: I liked how you characterized him more in this story, you gave him more of a personality, and made him less of a Gary Stu.

    Handie: I personally prefer a Misdreavus to an Aipom, and I think that you should have sticked with Missy, but that's just my opinion.

    Teresa: I liked the old Teresa way more, no offense. She was funnier and I liked how she was very protective of her children. I also liked how critical the old Teresa was of new people. You portrayed the old Teresa so well, and I was hoping that you would've kept her old personality. But, that is for oyu to decide, it is your story.

    And now, for everything else.

    You did a good job on describing the setting. When I was reading it, I could visualize the story occurring. Your writing is very descriptive and clear. A main thing you need to work on is the wording. I suggest using a thesaurus, they can really help you when you're having trouble writing your story.

    I hope that you stick with this, and don't instantly have the Pokemon gain trust in its trainer if he or she nicknames the Pokemon. Gaining a Pokemon's trust should take a while, and trainers should have to strive for it. Otherwise, it makes the story seem cliche.

    Other then those few things, this was a good start for a story. I hope that you keep on excelling in the categories that you do well in and work on those you need to do better in. And please add me to the PM list.

    Keep up the good work!
  7. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Thanks, Sir Growlie. Teresa is featured more in the next chapter, but she's not a main character. I'll put you on the PM list and I hope you enjoy the new Black Rose.
  8. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Double post, but hey! Here's Chapter 2 in which Cora and Tiana meet some shady characters, and that's just Leah! Enjoy!

    Chapter 2 – Journey Begins! Crisis at the Lab!

    Yawning heavily, Tiana stretched and propped herself up. Her vision blurred, she rubbed her eyes quietly so she didn’t disturb her sleeping Aipom. Still tired, she looked at her clock and saw it was only six o’clock. Thinking she might as well start the day early she tiptoed to her window and peeked through the heavy curtains. Snow was falling from the white sky, creating a thick frosting of what Tiana thought was white perfection. Small Pokémon were flying through the sky, and small rodents were scuttling across the ground. Tiana smiled as she saw the scene, loving the beautiful snow globe scene.

    Ready to start her day, Tiana opened her wardrobe and got dressed. Making sure she looked okay in the full-length mirror, she decided to try and find her straighteners. As she rummaged through her drawers she woke Handie up, who lounged in bed for a while. Finding her straighteners, she found a plug socket near her mirror and shoved the plug in. She went to cuddle Handie while the straighteners warmed up. Handie nuzzled her trainer and perked up slightly. When Tiana heard the familiar ‘ping’ she moved back to her mirror, sat on the small stool and began to straighten her mass of curls. Handie knew to stay away and instead peered out the window, wishing she were outside and running around. After a while, the straightening had finished and Tiana’s hair was perfectly straight. It shimmered and Handie thought her trainer looked beautiful.

    Before she went downstairs to make herself some breakfast, Tiana applied her make-up. Some lipstick, blusher and eye shadow was all she put on and then walked downstairs to make some breakfast for herself. As she was putting the batter in the pan for her favourite meal of pancakes, she heard her mother wake up.

    “Rise and shine, mom!” Tiana said, laughing. Charley came down, clad in a fluffy pink dressing gown. She took over for Tiana and the teenager went into the lounge and turned the television on. The newsreader was excitedly reporting about how trainers – new and old – were starting their Sinnoh journeys to earn badges or ribbons.

    “Hey, she’s got a fair point. What should we do Handie? Battles or contests? I’ve only ever had one battle, which I lost,” murmured Tiana.

    <Let’s try ‘em both!> Handie suggested enthusiastically.

    “Yeah, I suppose. Man, I’m so nervous about this. More nervous then when Whitney fell sick and we had to take care of her!” Tiana said laughing.

    <Yeah, who would’ve thought that we would have taken care of a Gym Leader?> said Handie, remembering the incident.

    The pair laughed together and soon enough, breakfast was ready.


    After a boring and uneventful day of packing and preparing for her journey, Tiana threw herself onto her bed when she had finished. Exhausted, she changed into her pyjamas before moving her large bag off the bed. She jumped in and shortly fell asleep.


    Tiana yawned as she rose from her bed. Quickly straightening her hair, she picked up her pink bag took the stairs two at a time as she ran down them. Smiling at Charley as she ran into the lounge, she grabbed a flapjack and munched it down. Handie was already downstairs, munching on a banana. The Aipom and trainer smiled at each other, ready to start their journey together. Charley hugged her daughter tightly, and kissed her lightly on the cheek.

    “I’ll miss you as soon as you walk out that door,” sighed Charley.

    Giggling, Tiana grinned and picked Handie up. They cuddled and smiled at each other.

    “Mom, I think I need to get going,” Tiana sighed, slightly reluctant to leave her mother.

    “Okay, sweetie. Love you. Make sure you call me from the Pokémon Center you spend your first night in, okay?” asked Charley.

    Apprehensively, Tiana nodded. Grabbing her bag from the floor she and Handie gave Charley one last smile and left the house.

    When they left, the snowflakes fell onto their heads. Handie stuck her tongue out to taste the snow. Tiana scolded the Aipom and proceeded to Cora’s cottage. Quickly rapping on the door, Tiana waited for her travelling partner to open the door. When the door opened, Cora was standing there and he smiled at Tiana.

    “Great to see you,” Cora said happily.

    Smiling, Tiana giggled girlishly and nodded. Cora arched his eyebrows and shouted to his mother. He closed the door and tightened the grip on his black backpack, which hung over one shoulder. The two left the small town of Twinleaf and chatted between them. Handie swung through the snow-covered trees energetically as the pair of new trainers crunched through the grass. Being careful to avoid any tall grass, they had to run from quiet a few wild Pokémon. They laughed as they approached the next town, called Sandgem.

    On entering the town, they saw a large building that made all the other buildings in town look tiny. The tall building was pearly white and some antennae were on the roof. A tall windmill was behind the building, seemingly giving power to it. The two trainers approached the building and saw a tall sign.

    “Professor Rowan’s Laboratory,” read Cora, “We’re here!”

    Tiana smiled and walked into the laboratory. Inside, the walls were a perfect white, completely spotless. Many people in long white coats were typing onto high-tech looking computers and pouring colourful and bubbling liquids into various test tubes. The teenagers’ mouths hung open as they saw the perfection of the laboratory. One researcher swivelled on their chair and smiled at the two aspiring trainers. They smiled back and climbed up a small set of stairs. Three small creatures were on a tall desk and an elderly man was pouring brown Pokémon food into dishes in front of them.

    “Um…hello?” Cora said nervously.

    “HELLO!” shouted the elder.

    The two teenagers shrieked as the white bearded man turned around. His dark eyes pierced into the two trainers. The man’s crisp white shirt was accentuated with a blue waistcoat and dark brown tie.

    “We’re the two new trainers!” protested Cora.

    “Please don’t hurt us,” whimpered Tiana.

    “Oh, nice to meet you,” laughed the man, putting his thick trench coat over the back of a chair, “My name’s Rowan.”

    “Um…yeah…I’m Cora,” said the boy trainer.

    “Tiana,” stuttered the nervous girl.

    “I believe it’s only you,” said the professor, pointing a finger at Cora, “who needs a Pokémon, correct?”

    As Handie whimpered, Cora nodded and peered at the three Pokémon on the table.

    “Sorry if I scared you, I can be very rash sometimes,” Rowan laughed softly.

    Tiana shook her hands in front of her face, “No, no, it’s fine. Just a bit scared is all.”

    Rowan laughed and smiled at Cora, “Which Pokémon would you li…”

    Suddenly, a loud bang was heard and Tiana screamed. The laboratory’s doors flew open and three cloaked figures ran in.

    “What in the name of Arceus is goin’ on?” asked Tiana.

    Scared, Cora ran behind Professor Rowan and Tiana followed suit. Handie shivered on her trainer’s shoulder as the three figures stepped forward.

    “Give us Item Z,” said the person in the middle, in a high, nasally voice.

    “Woah, she sound hot,” Cora said, which resulted in a hit on the arm from Tiana.

    “Why on earth would I give you three idiots Item Z?” Rowan asked rhetorically.

    “Because we asked,” said the middle figure.

    “What a b**ch,” Tiana murmured.

    Handie giggled as the three figures threw a Poké Ball each. They opened on impact with the tiled surface and three identical Pokémon appeared out from them. Each one had three light green spikes on their head, with two large roses for hands. Tiana recognized the Pokémon as Roselia, but not with those colours. The roses were deep shades of purple and black, creating a menacing air surrounding the Pokémon.

    “Don’t make us fight you for it,” cackled the supposed leader.

    Rowan shook his head and stepped forward, down the small staircase.

    “I will NOT battle you nor will I give you our most prized possession,” stated Rowan calmly.

    The three small Pokémon on the table continued to eat their food, blissfully unaware of any conflict. Cora laughed at the ignorance of each cute Pokémon.

    “Well, you only have two options. Give us what we came here for, or we’ll battle,” the squeaky person said, every word dripping with menace.

    “We’ll take the battle then!” shouted Tiana, running in front of Rowan.

    “You will?” Cora, Rowan and the cloaked figures said in unison.

    Tiana smirked with satisfaction, “I will.”

    The cloaked figures cackled loudly and whilst they were, Cora could see that Professor Rowan was handing a parcel to a scientist. The scientist ran through the back door and escaped, taking the parcel with him. Now that the three supposed women were fighting for nothing, Cora smiled and stepped forward to watch the action unfold.

    “One-on-one,” the leader shrieked.

    “Handie, let’s go,” said Tiana, a scowl painted over her face.

    “Go Roselia!” the cloaked figure shouted, and the Pokémon with roses for hands stepped forward.

    “This can end one of two ways,” muttered Rowan to Cora, “My lab will be destroyed or my lab will be destroyed and your friend will be destroyed.”

    “That’s s**t,” Cora murmured.

    “Roselia, use Magical Leaf,” ordered the woman.

    “Handie, use…Oh damn!” shrieked Tiana, as the multicoloured leaves sliced the air.

    They sliced Handie and created a small explosion. Tiana screamed and the woman in the cloak cackled like a witch. The thick black smoke enveloped the room and the people inside, and everyone coughed and wheezed loudly. As Tiana waved her hand in front of her face to clear the smoke, she felt for Handie. She could tell that Handie was unconscious, as she was never quiet.

    The smoke cleared and Tiana could see her beloved Aipom breathing heavily on the floor, with some minor cuts. She ran forward and cradled her friend in her arms. A researcher handed Tiana some small plasters and helped her bandage Handie up.

    “Item Z, por favor?” said the winner of the battle.

    “Well you’re out of luck, that item ain’t even here now,” laughed Cora.

    Tiana’s face lit up as she heard the news. Handie reached up and hugged her caring trainer.

    “I’m sorry,” murmured Tiana.

    <It’s okay,>” breathed Handie.

    The cloaked figures shrieked in horror. Rowan smirked happily and Cora ran to Tiana and Handie.

    “You may have won…well you lost, but still. You may have won this battle, but you won’t win the war. We will have Item Z, and you puny little goody-two shoes people won’t prevent us from reaching our goals. Move out girls,” the leader said evilly, before bounding out of the laboratory with her Pokémon and other figures shortly behind.

    Rowan darted to the phone and dialled 888. Almost immediately, an operator responded and Rowan reported what had happened.

    “They’re searching the area, but it’s unlikely they’ll find anything,” Rowan said unhappily, “On the bright side, they didn’t damage my lab or steal Item Z.”

    “You know, they did that really quickly. It only took what, five minutes?” Cora asked.

    “It was enough time for Handie to get hurt,” frowned Tiana.

    The researchers hurriedly got back to their work, some cleaning up the dirt from the battle. Rowan quickly ushered Cora and Tiana out of the laboratory and requested they returned the following morning. Reluctantly, they left and walked out into the town.

    “That is just so bad! I can’t believe those three b**ches!” shrieked Cora, “And on top of that, I can’t get my starter until TOMORROW!”

    “Can we go to the Pokémon Center please? I wanna drop Handie off for a while so she can heal up,” Tiana said thoughtfully.

    Feeling Tiana’s sadness, Cora nodded and the pair proceeded to the Pokémon Center. Walking through town, they noticed that the town was full of tiny cottages, which looked like they had just come out of a fairytale. The midday breeze blew across the trainers’ faces as they approached the tall, red-roofed building. A large red ‘P’ stood on the roof and thus the center was the tallest building in the town.

    Light blue tinted doors stood in front of the two trainers. Thinking they were automatic, Cora walked to them and the opened fluidly. He motioned for Tiana to go first and she obliged. As they walked into the center, Handie moaned frequently, obviously in distress. Tiana hurriedly ran to the counter to see a nurse standing behind.

    “Hello, can you help my Aipom please? We were in a tough battle and she kinda got a bit hurt,” Tiana said quickly.

    The nurse, clad in yellow, turned around and smiled at Tiana. Her long, brown hair billowed over her shoulders and a white hat with a yellow cross was perched on the top of her head. She smoothed her apron and called for assistance.

    “My name is Audrey,” she said happily, “and I’ll have your Aipom right as rain!”

    Tiana breathed a sigh of relief and passed the purple monkey to the nurse. As if on cue, a rounded, fat Pokémon waddled into the lobby, pushing a white cart. Audrey placed Handie on the stretcher and the pink Chansey pushed it into a recovery room.

    “How long will it be?” asked Tiana nervously.

    “Only about ten minutes. I’ll call you when your Pokémon is ready,” Audrey said happily.

    Cora and Tiana smiled and moved to the lounge area. Many trainers were there, talking to their friends. Tiana threw herself onto a purple sofa and sighed. A mahogany coffee table was in front of her and Cora picked up a magazine.

    “What’s that?” asked Tiana.

    “It’s called ‘Sinnoh Now!’. It tells us everything that’s happening across the region,” Cora explained, flicking through the pages.

    Satisfied, Tiana nodded and picked up a different booklet. With a picture of an Aipom on the cover, the girl trainer was immediately drawn to it.

    ‘PokéChic? What a waste of space, who wants to dress your Pokémon up anyway?’ thought Tiana.

    As she flicked through the magazine, she saw pictures of lots of Pokémon in supposedly fashionable outfits.

    ‘More like gaudy,’ Tiana thought.

    The clothes were extremely bright, and many stickers and patches were all over them.

    ‘I could do much better than that,’ thought Tiana.

    She threw the magazine on the table and stood up. Her fist clenched, she told Cora she was going to the store. It was attached to the Center and she wandered in. Garish toys were cluttering the shelves, and small children were begging their parents to buy them. Determined to find what she was looking for, Tiana hastily pushed past the children, resulting in some choice words from parents. Brushing it off, she found the art section.

    There were sketchbooks dotted everywhere, with pencils and erasers bundled with them. Happily, Tiana found a purple sketchbook. Tiana smiled and took the book to the counter. The cashier smiled as Tiana tossed the notes into his hand. Clutching the book to her chest, the wannabe designer sat back down. Cora smiled at her.

    “Why did you go to the store?” he asked.

    “Well, I was looking in that magazine, PokéChic I think, and the designs were so awful. They were just so tacky! And so I thought maybe I could design some clothes, see? Back home in Johto, I was always a good artist, plus I love to draw. So I’m going to take this everywhere and sketch everything I see!” said Tiana, determined to design some Pokémon clothes.

    Cora laughed hastily. He scratched the back of his neck and smiled.

    “Whatever! Never even heard of Pokémon designers,” said Cora sceptically.

    Tiana shook her head and put the book in her bag.

    “Is the Aipom’s trainer here?” asked the familiar voice of Audrey.

    “Here!” shouted Tiana happily.

    Audrey smiled as Handie bounded across the cold tiles to reach her best friend. Glad to see her Aipom was unhurt, Tiana clutched the Long Tail Pokémon to her chest.

    <Oo oo!> cheered Handie.

    Ready to explore the town, Cora and Tiana thanked Audrey and left the Center. When the pair was outside they surveyed their surroundings. Tiana saw one of her favourite places in the world, a beach. Before Cora could say anything, Tiana and Handie ran to the sandy shores of Sandgem.

    The beach was beautiful, albeit the cold temperature, and Tiana smiled and breathed deeply. Crystal clear waves lapped against the sand. Salty sea air filled Tiana’s nostrils and sighed, transfixed by the majesty of the scene, before Cora’s husky voice interrupted her fantasy. Begrudgingly, the Hoenn girl turned round with a scowl plastered across her face.

    Eyes open wide, Cora laughed hastily and walked over to his travelling companion. Tiana gave the boy trainer a playful punch on the arm and they laughed together as Handie dipped her feet into the cold sea. Her trainer walked over to her, picked her up and playfully scolded her. The Aipom giggled happily. However, their lovely scene was interrupted by a squeaky voice.

    “Hello?” she shrieked.

    Tiana’s head twitched to look in the direction of the voice. The girl standing a few feet away was quite good-looking, with platinum blonde hair cut into a short bob. From what Tiana could see, she seemed to be fashionable considering her purple, designer boots. She walked over to Tiana and pointed her manicured index finger at the shocked girl’s face.

    Taken aback, Tiana fell backwards, nearly tripping over her own feet. The blonde giggled and fidgeted with her purple headband. As she smoothed her long-sleeved T-shirt, the same colour as her headband, she started to talk.

    “I want a battle with you, in the town centre where everyone will see me defeat you!” the cocky girl said, her brown eyes shimmering with fierce determination.

    “Why?” Cora said, butting in.

    “I want to train my Pokémon up, see! And there’s no one else in the area with a Pokémon. Boring!” the girl said smirking.

    As the girl pulled on her pink dress, which co-ordinated well with the shirt, Tiana deliberated whether or not to battle. Handie cheered, wanting to fight, and so Tiana smiled.

    “Let’s do it!” she said, stomping the sand with her foot.

    A few small grains sped through the air and stuck to the girl’s white tights. Her eyes narrowed and she grabbed a Poké Ball off her belt.

    “Let’s go,” she said.


    “You ready over there?” the girl, and Tiana’s opponent, said impatiently.

    “One second!” shouted the nervous trainer, scared as she prepared for her first battle.

    She turned to her Pokémon and shrieked.

    “What moves do you know?” she asked quickly.

    <Um…Scratch, Swift and Fury Swipes,> the Aipom said shakily.

    “We’re ready!” shouted Tiana across the field.

    Cora stood at the side of the battlefield, his arms raised in the sky.

    “This is a one-on-one Pokémon battle between Tiana and…uh…what’s your name?” Cora asked hesitantly.


    “…between Tiana and Leah is about to begin! You will each use one Pokémon each. The battle ends when one trainer’s Pokémon is unable to battle! Begin!”

    “C’mon, baby,” Leah said smirking.

    “Handie, let’s have our first battle!” said Tiana happily.

    She gripped the red and white sphere and beamed, ready to begin.

    El fin.

    I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and Leah and Tiana's battle doesn't happen in this chapter so I can concentrate on it more in Chapter 3.
    Last edited: May 26, 2009
  9. Torpoleon

    Torpoleon Pokémon Sun!

    First off, please put me on the PM List. I like the two chapters and it is definentley better then the old Black Rose. I didn't see any mistakes, so great job!(I'm notone of the people to go in depth with that suff, anyway. Keep up the great work, Turty!(You don't mind if I call you that, right?)
  10. FireTrainer92

    FireTrainer92 The Point of Origin

    A well written OT fic. The description is great. Something I need to work on as a writer. Put me on the PM list.
  11. sweet_piplup123

    sweet_piplup123 I lost the game?!?!

    A very nice chapter, and I like the idea of a shiny Roselia ^_^

    Just one suggestion to make.
    I dunno, this part doesn't seemed to flow well with the rest, perhaps you could extended it a bit more, I know she spent the day packing, but perhaps Handie could cause a mayham in between or something...

    *stops talking* Sorry, I was asking too much there ^^; *backs away*
    sweet_piplup123 ;393;
    Last edited: May 22, 2009
  12. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    It's very good...love the description you are heading the right direction so congratualtions to you. I do have one moan so sorry about that...

    Could you maybe slow down the pace a little adding in more descriptuion as I find I'm undertstanding it and then it suddenly jumps. If you do that then I'm sure the description would come easier and then also maybe it would slightly prolong the Chapters read.

    That's my only moan this Chapter but well done! Superb!​
  13. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Thanks all you guys.

    @Torp: Thanks a lot, you can call me that and I'll put you on the list!

    @FT92: Thanks, the description is really hard to do, and not my best!

    @SP123: Yeah, I was deliberating with that bit whether or not to include something but I just thought it'd be better without. My bad!

    @Harry: Like I said before, my description isn't my strongest point but I'm working really hard to try and improve.

    Chapter 3 is going well so far, but it'll take a while because I really want to nail this battle!
  14. ChloboShoka

    ChloboShoka Writer

    I see a pretty good amount of effort being put into this. I quite like the title a good deal. makes me think of something deep and powerful. Like a dark love or evil love.

    Anyway on chapter one, there were plenty of chunky paragraphs. Sometimes it can be a bit much, but that's just me. It's not that bad in chapter 2. I found that you've made a good starting line on the fic. Some powerful needed descriptions on each character.

    I had a feeling Tiana is going to enjoy Heartthome city when she was told about the big cities.

    That was an interesting cliff hanger when they're about to battle.

    This feels like a run-on for me. I think this would work a bit better:
    The was beautiful, albeit the cold temperature. Tina smiled, breathing deeply.
    ^ Hehe That rhymes. :)

    And you maintain powerful decriptions pretty well, I think. The addiction of the shiny roselia gave the title justice. I wanna keep on reading.~
    (I'm very forgetful, any possibility you can add me to the PM list?)
  15. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    @C.Gholy - Sure, you're on the list. Thanks for your review, especially on the descriptive front. It's definitely not my strong point, but I'm working on it. Thanks again!
  16. harryheart

    harryheart Well-Known Member

    I didnt mean to sound harsh or rude sorry! I was just pointing out that realising you need to pace things out will help you with description...that's what I found.​
  17. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    I didn't take it as rude! You must have just misunderstood what I typed. No worries, and I do know that pacing needs to happen in my story, because it seems a bit choppy right?
  18. Sir Growlie

    Sir Growlie ~Coordinator~

    Here’s my two cents.

    The bolded parts are corrections in spelling, grammar, in clarity.

    Now, here are general corrections and such.

    You already mentioned Tiana wanting to start her day early, so I think that you should’ve taken out the bolded part.

    You could’ve added more dialogue here between Tiana and Handie, like this:

    Well, that’s not much better, but I hope you get the point. Dialogue can be very useful; try to show and not tell.

    Like sweet_piplup123 mentioned, this doesn’t seem to flow with the rest of the chapter. I second sweet_piplup123’s idea of Handie creating a mayhem while Tiana is trying to pack, that would be very funny and would fit Handie’s personality as a curious Aipom.

    Even though rapping is a synonym for knocking and I even told you to use a thesaurus, some times it is better to use simple words because their synonyms can have other meanings that confuse readers.

    I’d take out the bolded part, since Tiana is a girl. It also isn’t needed in the sentence.

    I really enjoyed this conversation between Professor Rowan, Cora, and Tiana. Rowan was characterized so well, and Tiana’s reactions were priceless. Way to go!

    Hoenn? I thought she was from Goldenrod City in Johto.

    In general, I really enjoyed this chapter. The description and clarity is good, but you might consider pacing the story like harryheart suggested. You gave a few characters better personalities, and i am enjoying reading this. I can't wait for the next chapter. I'll probably edit this when i have time, and explain more.

    Keep up the great work!
  19. TurtwigFan1

    TurtwigFan1 burning it down

    Thanks a lot Sir Growlie, I was anticipating your review! Sorry about the Hoenn thing, I originally planned that but I changed to Johto, woops! I've edited now. The 'dialled' thing is the English spelling, so dialed is wrong for me! Thanks for the other grammatic corrections however, I love your reviews. I'm going to work on the pacing of the next chapter, considering it is the battle between Leah and Tiana.

    Like I said before, thanks!
  20. Shadow Lucario

    Shadow Lucario Well-Known Member

    Best line ever! :D

    Of should be off

    You can take out was and make it seem like Tiana saw him sit down, or you can keep was and change sat to sitting to have to say that Tiana did not see him sit down.

    I love rants :D

    Description is very well wirtten. The characters have nice personalities and seem like they are going to have major character development. I like how the main character already has a Pokemon, but has been hesitant at starting a journey. Another aspect I like is how the first battle in the fan fiction was not of the main character's.

    This setting is going to be a challenge. Sinnoh is a BIG place. I trust that you can write this fic well enough to keep people interested despite the size. I can't wait to see what kind of Pokemon Cora will be getting. Now on to chapter 2! I would be honored to be on the PM list.

    Until next time, I'm out

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