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Blazing Adventures

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Quilava42, May 1, 2013.

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  1. Quilava42

    Quilava42 Blazing Flowers

    Author's Note: This story is a revamp of my old one, since I wanted a fresh and well rounded start of the characters and the entire plot. This was supposed to be posted two months ago but it had to be edited and revised by many reliable people.

    Author's Note #2: The first chapter was about to be extended, but it would be off by a lot, so it would be squeezed in by the time I start writing the second one.


    Chapter One: Here

    I remembered it as it was about three years ago when I started my journey like any other ten year old. The sun rose and shined brightly at the tranquil town. Groups of Jumpluff and Sunflora jumped out of the bushes where they slept, twirling and singing happily under the sun. A pair of Butterfree fluttered across the sky, releasing sparkling dust from their wings that were carried along on a soft breeze.

    Under them, I bolted out of my house as I heard my mom’s soft words of “take care” reach into my head. I could see the huge laboratory in the distance, doubling my speed, eagerly fantasized about soon having my own Cyndaquil. It was my dream of obtaining a Fire Starter, something about them had always interested me than other Pokémon. That was the only thing that was hovering in my mind.

    As I reached the laboratory, I saw my friend Jackson. He was leaning against the glass door with his hands shoved in his pockets; the blond teen had an emotionless and patient air about him. His eyes stared blankly at the grass as his sneaker tapped out a steady rhythm on the ground.

    “Jackson?” I questioned as I stopped on my feet and stood still.

    Jackson lifted up his head immediately and his mouth barely opened. His blue eyes were wide open with his arms now hung loosely at his sides. It was a bit surprising to see him overreact because of what I said, but he was probably distracted by staring at the ground while appearing to look dead. Normally he and I would travel together with our mothers to Cherrygrove to purchase groceries and help them out, but he took a head start this time.

    The moment when he quickly turned his head to me, his demeanor changed into a calm one. He walked to me, a bold smile on his face.

    “Today’s the day!” Jackson exclaimed, his arms spread wide with excitement.

    “The day we get our starters?” I asked.

    “You bet it is, Blake!” Jackson said, excitedly, “So, you’re ready to get our starters? I really want Totodile.”

    “You know I am,” I said, putting my tight fist in front of my determined expression, barely containing my sheer passion. “I heard that Cyndaquil are very powerful when it comes to battle, and they’re very warm and cuddly, as their final evolutions are fierce and unstoppable!”

    Jackson opened his mouth; it was enough to let out a soft chuckle. We turned around to the glass door of the laboratory and as we entered inside, it was very interesting. The tiles on the floor were polished and two computers sat idle in opposite corners of the room. And the significant part was that it was entirely huge. I could only see the end far away from where I was at, and it was amazing.

    Both of us glanced at the left and we saw Professor Elm kneeling down, pouring Poke Food into an Oshawott’s bowl. He chuckled when he saw the Oshawott glancing at his food.

    “Osha…” the Oshawott said, his stubby arms were raised in the air.

    Jackson stepped in front of me and smiled at the Oshawott. I grinned at him, since he was always interested in exotic Pokémon from various regions. It didn’t bother me, but he would always think about them as if he was frozen or something.

    The Oshawott grabbed his bowl and stuffed the Poke Food in his mouth as crumbs flied to his white face. He slapped the floor with his blue tail and wiggled his feet happily.

    Jackson had his stiff arms up along with his left leg in front. His blond hair swished as he took a crooked step on his left leg. I stood still and watched him walk to the Oshawott. Then he ran towards the Oshawott and exclaimed, “Professor Elm, wait! Let me have Oshawott as my starter!”

    I sighed in relief since he really wanted the Oshawott. I glanced at the table where the real starters were. I walked on the blue mat and reached the table. As I looked at the left side of the table, I saw that Chikorita was already taken by someone else, since it wasn’t standing in front of the tag that said, “Chikorita”.

    I didn’t really want Chikorita, since they’re bad against common types. Fire attacks could easily harm them, they couldn’t stand cold temperatures, and Bird Pokémon like to pick on them, and I noticed this because my dad owned one before.

    Then I looked at the middle and saw a sleeping blue alligator with red ridges on its back sleeping with his tail in front of his snout. His cute face along with his tail and light snoring made me smile. It had a tag in front of it that said, “Totodile.” But despite its evolution being all cool, I definitely wanted something else.

    So I looked to the right of the table and saw the Cyndaquil quietly munching his food, light trails of smoke escaping the red spots of his back. His bowl was almost finished, there was nothing left but crumbs. I swept my red hair and grabbed my yellow shirt, and every inch of my body trembled when I gazed at the tranquil looking Cyndaquil. “This is it,” I thought in my head, “Time to get Cyndaquil.

    I gulped and said, “H… hi Cyndaquil. My n... name is Blake and…”

    Cyndaquil instantly stopped eating his food and stood still. I moved back my body and my eyebrows rose slightly. He lifted his head and gave a furious expression, his flames flickering with anger. I gasped and raised an arm for protection out of surprise, my eyes were wide and my legs were trembling. I was sure this was Cyndaquil’s Leer attack, since they’re known to know this early in life. I thought back of how my greeting came out crooked since I anticipated of getting this creature.

    The bowl dropped on the mat and rolled away, rumbling as it impacted the floor. He retaliated with a piercing squeal that left my ears ringing. I screamed and covered my ears as I fell on my back, seeing this little demon walking at the end of the table, having another stern frown on his face. He braced himself on his four legs and trembled violently.

    My teeth locked together as I placed my shaking hand in front of me, thinking this was surely the end. Professor Elm was busy with Jackson. The Cyndaquil still gazed sternly at me, having his arm in front of me, and he moved a step front. I cringed more.

    “This is a nightmare,” I thought, “This Cyndaquil is going to kill me right now. To see that it would end up like this. I thought we’re going to be friends and have be the best team there is. I thought he was interested enough to come along with me. And from seeing his face, this is how it turned out. So be it.”

    I closed my eyes and murmured “please don’t kill me” to this unstable Cyndaquil. My legs slid in front as I was on my back, having my arms crossed together. Then I thought, “Please accept me. I don’t want to harm you in any way. I want to be your friend, one that can take care of you side by side. Just please accept me, please.” It felt like it was going to end for me as I felt the temperature rise even more, that the heat was almost unbearable for me to move. I trembled vigorously, not having the ability to move my entire body away and my heartbeat punched my chest like my body was going to burst open.

    From the corner where I barely heard the Oshawott giggling along with Jackson, suddenly I heard Professor Elm yelling, “Wait here Jackson! Here are your Poke Balls and your Pokedex! I can’t let this Cyndaquil destroy the lab like before!”

    I gasped when I heard him scream and his loud footsteps making its way. He pouted in anger and threw his Poke Ball, which sucked the Cyndaquil inside. I was finally sure that the fire-type was gone when the unbearably hot sensation faded away. I opened my eyes and I saw Professor Elm’s sad face, he was clearly worried about the safety of myself and his lab. He risked himself to stop Cyndaquil burning it. And I felt grateful for him doing so since I would’ve died because of him.

    I wheezed as I got up on my legs, brushing out the ashes that were on my blue pants with my hands. I watched him walking towards me, carrying six Poke Balls and a red, dual-screened Pokedex. I couldn’t help but see how he walked slowly with his face looking sad. As he reached me, he placed them at my hands and said, “Blake, please take care of Cyndaquil. I’m begging you. With your kind heart, you may turn his personality around. He’s been disobedient to me and you realized how strong he is. Please give him the best care.”

    Surprised by his request, I hesitated to look down at the Cyndaquil’s Poke Ball in front of me. Uncertainty flowed in my mind as I trembled, thinking about how this Cyndaquil may treat me. My thoughts were, “Will he kill me? Will he roast me alive?” I thought that he may attack me without hesitation if I would try to interact with him.

    Then I looked up to Professor Elm, trying desperately to hide my doubts, I promised, “I will.”
    Last edited: May 3, 2013
  2. Toxic Nightshade

    Toxic Nightshade GET TO DEL TACO

    I like this fiction so far, since it's a journey fiction though I'm just hoping it's not going to be a cookie-cutter plotline. I only found one error (Which i probably missed when i first proofread this)
    I don't think this flows very well. "Open" is present tense, when everything else is past tense. It just doesn't sound right to me.

    I can't wait to see where this fic goes, good luck. PM list please~
  3. Quilava42

    Quilava42 Blazing Flowers

    Added to the PM List. And yeah, this won't be like cutting out a fanfic, there's a spoiler that there will be two evil teams similar to Team Aqua and Team Magma, and one of them appear in Chapter Ten once I start writing the other chapters, chapter two's draft is 1/4 done, so I'll post the next one a bit slow, like every two weeks.
  4. Deadly.Braviary

    Deadly.Braviary Well-Known Member

    Well, that was a nice start. I didn't see many grammatical errors, so you're good there. I did notice a few things I felt could be improved.

    I believe you're missing a 'was' there.

    For some reason, this description felt really weird, and that last sentence just felt out of place. Also, why on earth would someone be distracted by the ground? (See bolded section.) And finally [NITPICK ALERT], you used two spaces after 'Jackson', for some reason.

    This confused me a little. The lab should have safety measures, if it's dealing with Pokemon like that, right? And Cyndaquil ... destroyed the lab? Either way, why would Elm give such a destructive Pokemon to a ten-year-old? That seems incredibly irresponsible of him. If Cyndaquil 'destroyed' a lab, it could probably kill Blake, so unless this is an elaborate plan of Elm's to murder Blake and pass it off as an accident, I don't see why he'd give it to him/her. Also, that plan is a bad one, anyone could argue that Elm would be crazy or stupid or have bad intentions in mind if he gave her such a destructive Pokemon - but I digress. Plus, Cyndaquil seems nowhere near powerful enough to destroy a whole building, so I think what you mean is, it trashed the lab.

    On the premise, I can't really say much. It's a journeyfic and it has a typical journeyfic premise. That isn't necessarily bad or good; I've seen journeyfics which started out like this and became really good in later chapters, and I've seen ones which started out like this, and died. So, yeah, an ambiguous start. It's your playground as to where things go from here, so I'm expecting some good stuff.

    Your characters don't have much personality, but I'm going to say that's because we haven't seen much of them yet. I have to remark on your choice of using first person, I haven't seen many written from that POV. Blake seems alright so far, if a little bland. You might want to work a little on presenting Blake's voice a little more uniquely; he needs to be at least a little more interesting than everyone else. Oh, and one thing I really want to point out: nowhere does it say Blake's gender. I think Blake is a unisex name, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say your protagonist is male.

    Your description was alright and your grammar, fairly good. I've already told you what I think about your characters and your premise above. That's all I want to comment on so far. You might want to work a little on presenting Blake's voice a little more uniquely; he needs to be at least a little more interesting than everyone else.

    Overall, a solid start. I'm hoping to see you put the effort into making this stand out a little more from a traditional journeyfic, so you can put me on the PM list; I wanna see where this goes. That's all for now.

  5. Quilava42

    Quilava42 Blazing Flowers

    Blake is a male, so I see what you mean by that because this chapter was kind of short. But yeah, I'll try my best to add personality into them and to make this story flow, and you're added into the PM list.
  6. Quilava42

    Quilava42 Blazing Flowers

    Bad News

    I can't work on typing Chapter 2 because of personal reasons, so I guess this could get locked until I can go on to the computer as much as before. I'll contact a mod in case this needs to get unlocked for me.
  7. bobandbill

    bobandbill Winning Smile Staff Member Super Mod

    Locked on author's request.
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