Oh yea! This is teh pwn!!!111!11
Ok, I'm done being a jerk and will get serious. As I predicted, this thing is awful! Pure and simple. For one thing, it's WAY too short. It's also lacking of proper capitalization, and paragraphing.
To sum it up simply, I'll say this: For god's sake girl, read the Advice for Aspiring Author's thread! No, don't go soon, or even ASAP is too long, GO NOW! Move it to trhat advice thread!