• Hi all. We have had reports of member's signatures being edited to include malicious content. You can rest assured this wasn't done by staff and we can find no indication that the forums themselves have been compromised.

    However, remember to keep your passwords secure. If you use similar logins on multiple sites, people and even bots may be able to access your account.

    We always recommend using unique passwords and enable two-factor authentication if possible. Make sure you are secure.
  • Be sure to join the discussion on our discord at: Discord.gg/serebii
  • If you're still waiting for the e-mail, be sure to check your junk/spam e-mail folders

Blood and Faith (PG-13)

SpeedMetalSaxaphone

New kid on the block
Welcome, one and all, to my first ever Fan Fiction! Blood and Faith!
This is a pokemon story set in ancient times when religion ruled the people and pokemon were used for war. It will chroniclethe events of two men who find themselves overwhelmed with a horrifying truth. Enjoy.

Blood and Faith​


Chapter one: Silence in Death

It was a dark and looming day. Overhead clouds told a future of rain and the wind whipped haphazardly against the rugged Mt. Coronet. Perched on the side of this gargantuan mountain was the Boncleave city, with smoke rising into the air from small mud-brick houses set upon a large plateau that had formed on the mountain. Its inhabitants strictly believed in the presence of an amazingly powerful pokemon, Groudon, that loomed in the Caverns that ran through the mountains. They flitted about town preparing dinner and doing chores. Away from the city, in a small cave, a Scyther cleaned its blades, sharpening them to a fine and deadly point. Scyther blades could cut through the toughest of armor and they had reputation for being violent creatures. The Pokémon raises its head and sniffs the air, suddenly its muscles tense up and it begins pacing around its shelter, positive that a predator is nearby. A minute passes and nothing happens. Scyther comes to rest and it relaxes itself, finally feeling safe. It goes to nibble on a small berry pile it has collected. Suddenly, shots ring through the air as arrows fly into the Scyther’s head, killing it instantly. In a harsh environment such as the Coronet Mountains, one can only eat what one kills. A few figures step out of the shadows. One is bulging with muscles, a full, black, beard surrounds his face and he walks with a confidence in his eyes. The other is much more finely developed. His eyes sharp and his stance tense. He shiftily eyed the room and kept his bow cocked and ready while the other lumbered toward the Scyther.

“Clean shot, right through the skull.” The large one said.

He ruggedly picked up the dead Pokémon, its body scratching the floor loudly.

“Be careful Griffith! We need the body intact!” the other quickly shouted, “A good sized Scyther like this could make a fine blade.”

Griffith only grunted in response. The two exited the cave lugging the Scyther along.

“I honestly don’t see why we have to do this Jacob.” Said Griffith annoyed.

“Griffith Macmillan, you know damn well why we have to do this. Your fat mouth had to go and piss and off the general and somehow we both got stuck in this dump job.” Jacob complained.

“The General gave us this dump job because he’s afraid I’d kick his *** if we ever got into a real fight.”

It was true. Griffith Macmillan was an enormous human. His muscles bulged under his skin with a great and ominous force. When he raised his hand people cowered in fear and when he raised his voice people were quiet. He loved his body, but he loved fighting much more. At the age of eighteen he joined the military with his best friend Jacob Patters. Jacob was not as a good of a fighter as Griffith, but he was a phenomenal Pokémon battler. His Chimchar, Tribsy, and he had become known as the best duo to ever fight for Boncleave. The two also had a problem with their tendencies to undermine the general of the local military. It had landed them in many “dump jobs”, the newest one being harvesting Scythers for their precious blades and meat. They had been assigned the task of getting ten new blades. The harvesting wasn’t always as smooth as it was this time, though. Some of the nastier Scyther put up good fights and you could occasionally run into packs. Luckily, their duty was over and they were heading back into village for a well deserved rest.

“Groudon praise. I can’t wait to get into my bed; this job’s shattered my back.” Jacob started, “Oh, here's the town. Wait, what the hell?!”

Boncleave was overrun with a mass of blue armored knights. The people of Acucity Lake had launched a surprise attack on Boncleave. The local militia was struggling to find order as the enemy overwhelmed the city.

“****, we need weapons; these bows won’t pierce their armor.” Jacob thought out loud.

He grabbed the Scyther and begun thumbing the tough exoskeleton away from the arm.

“Oh for crying out loud…” Griffith moaned.

The large man snatched the Scyther away from Jacob and threw it on the ground. He stamped the shoulders of the Pokémon with his foot until the arms lay off in a shattered and bloody mess. He picked up the two scythes and shoved ones towards Jacob,

“That’s how a real warrior does it.”

Jacob nodded with a half-smile and the two ran off to the city with their weapons in hand, Jacob stopped once they arrived and shouted back to Griffith who had already begun locking swords with an Acucity knight,

“I need Tribs! I’ll be right back here! Don’t do anything stupid now Griff!”

Back at the Patter’s home a small, dark orange chimp awaited her master. The Chimchar had gained a reputation for being unnatural speedy. The small Pokémon was trying to run before it could crawl and earned the nickname “Tripsy”, which was converted by Jacob into Tribsy. She was a master of quick attacks and speedy flurries of punches. When it came to waiting for Jacob, though, patience was a virtue, and she had no lack of obedience.

“Chaa…” she whined, pacing the room.

Jacob suddenly burst into the room, gasping for breath. Tribsy gleefully jumped for Jacob who caught her in his arms. The two shared a touching moment of friendship before stepping out of their house with a new determination. Large groups of opposing knights had gathered around and were striking at a small man who was valiantly defending against them all.

“You know what to do Tribs!” Jacob said.

Tribsy nodded in agreement and the pair rushed towards the mass. They skidded to a halt a few feet away and Tribsy jumped off of Jacob’s shoulders and into the air. She did a small back-flip, (something Jacob had decided to scold her about her later), and fired a large amount of embers into the crowd of unsuspecting knights. She landed on one’s face and kicked off and landed back onto Jacob, who was rushing towards the knight with his scythe in hands. The knights all scattered and the small man was revealed to be the General himself. He looked up disgustedly,

“By Groudon, you've already ruined a good scythe,” he said pointing to the shoddy work done by Griffith. "And why're ya jus' standin' thar? Go get in the figh' already!"

Jacob shook his head. He knew the General. He had a bad case of Napoleon Complex and messing with him was just trouble. Despite his size, he was a great fighter. Not quite as muscled as Griff, but enough to be feared. He had no hair and his eyes shone a dark black with an ever-persistent scowl on his face.

“You’re right General,” Jacob said coyly, “My bad.”

The two shared glares of distrust before a loud horn sounded from a stage in the middle of the city. The high priest, Garona Harad, was shouting words of prayer. An un-earthly presence emanated from him. He lifted his head up to the skies in shouted one last word, A few seconds passed. Suddenly a primal roar was heard. Looming above Boncleave there was a large cavern that came out in a small platform above the city. Another roar was heard, this one stopping the entire fight. The Townspeople of Boncleave knew what this was. They began whooping in anticipation. The Acucity invaders cowered in fear. Slowly walking out from the Cavern was the great Pokémon, Heatran, messenger of Groudon. It let out a violent screech that shook the whole city. It cocked its head and glared at the enemy knights disapprovingly. It began glowing and let out awful Metal Sounds, like nails on a chalkboard. The Acucity knights were completely transfixed.

“Chaa!” Tribsy squealed into Jacob’s ear. Allowing him to realize where he was.

“Ok Tribs, lets do this.” He sighed, thinking of all the blood that would be shed.

Jacob ran mercilessly at a close-by knight and brought his scythe down on his shoulders, cutting through his light armor and deeply wounding his arm. He pulled back and quickly jabbed at his abdomen, he was finished now, and blood was spilling on to the ground in waves. Tribsy looked away uncomfortably, blood had always worried her. The knight had never made a noise though, still completely deafened by the Metal Sounds of the pokemon Heatran. A chill ran through the air as the Boncleave warriors eliminated the silent invaders until one was left.

“Tell your people of this day, this great day.” Said Garona with his arms open wide and smiling. His long white beard flowed serenely in the wind. The people respected this man as if he was a king. Garona turned around and shouted as the last knight stumbled into the distance,

“And let us all rejoice! For tonight, we feast of Magmar!”

The people all responded in a great uproar, Magmar was a great delicacy to the people of Boncleave, but Jacob was silent. Something didn’t seem right about Heatran. It had never been so powerful, and the way that the Acuctiy invaders simply stood silent while being chopped down was chilling to the bone. Perhaps, could it be Groudon reawakening? The arrival of Groudon would cement the people of Boncleave as the chosen people. Was it worth it though? The wars that would then ensue, the mass hysteria that would break out. If Groudon arose, how many people would die?

“Blood,” Jacob said, solemnly looking at the Acucity knights scattered around, and then at the jovial Garona, who still had a broad smile on his face, “and Faith.”
_________

Please r&r. I'm always looking for ways to better my writing! Also, you liked a certain part, say so! It gives me insight on to what exactly my readers enjoy and betters the story as a whole by catering to my readers likes. Thats it for now.
 

Yami Ryu

Well-Known Member
The introduction paragraph is, chunky. It's run on. It's to large- first you're describing the setting and weather, then the town and people. Then all a sudden you skip to a Scyther.

And btw Scyther are HUNTERS, not gatherers, they'd not be able to collect berries, they'd not be based off of praying mantids, and they'd certainly would NOT be as agressive as they are. But that's a personal irk of vegitarian predators.


The other thing is; arrows so easily and swiftly penatrating a SKULL of an animal? As you do say skull, you don't say head or exoskelington, but a skull. Which would probably be denser than most human skulls, given the fact it's an animal. And I'm certain no bow drawn by a person could really go thru armor like skin AND THEN a skull.

Ever see the guy that shot a aligator? The bullet REBOUNDED off the beasts back and hit the shooter in the leg! Or the arm- I forget where. So I seriously doubt an arrow would be such a swift, clean kill for this.

Why not shoot at the ABDOMEN which is clearly the weakspot, not the head. And how were they undetected by Scyther IF it's in a cave, did they hide their scent? What? I didn't see them complaining about anything- and if Scyther had a weak sense of smell to begin with it'd have keener eyesight and or hearing so again..

Yeah to unbelievable.

I suggest cutting the introductory paragraph up. Flushing out the correct parts and then when you are fully dun setting up the scene, turn to the cave featuring the begining of the story.

The description of the men seems a bit, I dunno, lack luster. Just, with how you described the first man, I don't really envision someone like say with Arnold's build- but someone hopped up on steroids, and overly muscled.

The first two lines could also have gone together;

“Clean shot, right through the skull.” The large one commented, pride echoing in his voice, before, with a grunt he roughly grabbed up the dead Pokémon, uncaring as its body scraped loudly across the stone.

The other thing is if a Scyther's claws or armor breaks so easily to stone and arrow, I wouldn't be interested in it in the first place- so why be worried about it? Or do they scam people?


You suddenly skip any and all of a trip/journey back via just describing muscleman and explaining how they got sacked in the first place.

“Groudon praise. I can’t wait to get into my bed; this job’s shattered my back.” Jacob started, “Oh, here's the town. Wait, what the hell?!”

First off I think you mean Groudon, be praised or Praise Groudon. As 'Groudon priase' seems awkward to me.

Then all a sudden he goes from wishing of his bed to 'wait what the hell'. I mean no shock, no emotional depth no nothing there. Same goes with Muscleman. Sure he's cocky but that's it. He's an ******* and I want to punch him.


“****, we need weapons; these bows won’t pierce their armor.” Jacob thought out loud.

Funnily enough their arrows can pierce bone and exoskeleton... And out loud? That's it? No panic? No fret or worry he just thinks out loud, nothing else? We can't really empathize with a character that way imo.

He grabbed the Scyther and begun thumbing the tough exoskeleton away from the arm.

So he suddenly has the strength to do this, and rip a Scyther arm off the body? How would you wield it without cutting yourself or anything. And he didn't even have to try/attempt, it came off on its own?

The large man snatched the Scyther away from Jacob and threw it on the ground. He stamped the shoulders of the Pokémon with his foot until the arms lay off in a shattered and bloody mess. He picked up the two scythes and shoved ones towards Jacob,

If his feet are so tough, why not do the stomping himself on the enemies? And again HOW are they holding the blades? It's not like a sword, if he destroyed the arms then there's really no way to hold the scythe safely. And how would they wield it? If stone would damage the scythes, wouldn't metal be you know... stronger.

This was rushed, the characters come off as flat, the description is either not enough or when you do it, it's the wrong sort and you OVER do it, you rushed through something that could have easily been longer, more indepth [aslong as it didn't get to slow paced/boring] and overall a better development for the first chapter.

I really suggest you take your time with the next chapter like I advised you to do so when writing, to begin with in the idea thread :/
 

SpeedMetalSaxaphone

New kid on the block
Thanks for the review Yami Ryu. I thought I went pretty indepth, but I guess I could of gone a bit further. Ya know, I wanted it to be a fast paced story, not a rushed one. Maybe it did'n't give off the effect I was hoping for. For example,
So he suddenly has the strength to do this, and rip a Scyther arm off the body? How would you wield it without cutting yourself or anything. And he didn't even have to try/attempt, it came off on its own?

He didn'y rip off the Scyther's arm, he simply began crushing the shoulders with his hands to try and break away the exoskeleton. In my mind the exoskeleton of a Scyther would be only a bit stronger than that of a beetle or something. When Griffith took it and stomped its arms off it wasn't to be a show of superhuman strength. ALso, wouldn't stomping on people be a bit, er, odd? Scyther's "Scythes" have always seemed like swords to me. So breaking them off just seems a lot simpler than taking the time to create iron swords. I also was trying to give the impression that Griff broke the Scythers arms at the shoulders and not the wrists. The user would hold it a bit above the elbow. Again, something I just thought the reader could pick up on.

The characters themselves did not get the attention they deserved and I'll be sure to delve a bit more into them for chapter two. I think they'll show a bit better when I introduce some more of the minor characters and show off their personalities a bit more.

I wasn't planning on it, but I might try and get someone on here to beta these things for me.

Again, thanks for the review!
 
Last edited:
Top