Bonsly's Battles

[Grandmaster Chao]

Hi everyone! Here's an other Fan Fic from me. Enjoy!

Bonsly’s Battles

Prologue

Ryan Robertson was a normal kid. He had the same strengths, smartness and courage as anyone else. He brushed his strawberry blond hair back as he reached for a pokeball.
“Right Leon!” he shouted, “Are you ready for my first pokemon?”
“Bring it on dude! You’re goin down!” he replied with confidence.
“Ok, here it comes! GO WALREIN!” screamed Ryan as a huge, blue seal with coral like hair emerged from the pokeball. It gave a roar. It was clearly ready for battle.
“Ha! Are you joking or something?!? Well here comes my pokemon! GO MEGANIUM!” His wispy, black hair blew in the wind as he launched the pokeball into the air. Then suddenly a huge, green creature with petals sprouting from its neck appeared from the ball. It roared too. The battle started.
“NOW WALREIN USE YOUR ICEBEAM!” ordered Ryan as the seal shout a light blue beam from its mouth! The beam flew right across the battlefield smacking into Meganium with a loud smash. The pokemon cried in pain. As it was, recovering Ryan ordered an other attack on the green being.
“WALREIN USE BLIZZARD NOW!” he screeched. The seal flopped in the air and summoned a snowstorm. Meganium realised what was coming and swiftly dodged the attack.
“MEGANIUM USE VINEWHIP!” shouted Leon. The green creature jumped into the air and flung two vines from its sides. The vines slashed Walrein leaving it hurt but it was still strong enough to deliver one last blow.
“WALREIN!” shouted Ryan, “ are you alright?” Walrein loked up at him and smiled. It got up and awaited an oreder.
“WALREIN USE SHEER COLD NOW!!” Ordered Ryan. The seal gave an immense roar as a huge ice cube appeared around Meganium. The green creature froze and fell to the ground.
“Meganium return!” shouted Leon.
“Walrein return!” shouted Ryan.
“You did well there dude. Your Walrein’s really doin well.” said Leon.
“Yeah he is, isn’t he.” replied Ryan.
“Well I’m off. I’m goin to challenge the Battle Dome and get my Gold symbol.” Said Leon confidently.
“Well good luck and I’ll see you later. Thanks for the training!” replied Ryan.
“That’s ok! See you later then” said Leon.
“Yeah bye” replied Ryan as they parted and went their own way.

When Ryan got home his mum was preparing dinner.
“Hello Ryan. How’s Leon?” she asked.
“ Good!” Ryan replied, “Mum I’m going to take on one of the seven Frontier events but I don’t know which one to go for.” said Ryan.
“Well the Tower’s always a good place to start,” replied his mum.
“Thanks mum!” replied Ryan.

Once Ryan had had his Dinner he went up to his room. When he got up there he saw a little tree like creature lying on his bed.
“Hi Bonsly! Have a good nap?” he asked.
Bonsly jumped up. He looked happy.
“Come on We’re going to the Battle Tower!” shouted Ryan in joy. Bonsly jumped with joy. They left the house and set off towards the Battle Tower. Little did they know that this would be an adventure they’d never forget.

So I hope u enjoyed it. So rate if u want to.

 

[Lord of Ninetales]

Not bad, but you need to work on your punctuation and capitalization more. You don't need to post things in CAPS to get the point that they are yelling, that's what the words following or preceeding do. "He yelled, he screamed, he said in anger," etc.

 

[Manulya]

I think this is BOnslys fic debut, or for me at least. Bunch of errors, but not anything damaging to the story line, or in my opinion. Would like to review more but Im punished and have to go. ;manyula;

 

[Leon]

Not bad dude, i like my Meganium, thought we started with first stages?? any way, punctuation and a little more description on the characters, what am i wearing, what are you wearing etc. and my meganium is called Presea (she's female).

as the seal shout a light blue beam from its mouth!

should be shot, and that exclamation mark doesnt need to be there.

As it was, recovering

no comma needed.
thats all i can really pick up on, cant wait for chap 2!
~Leon~

 

[Grandmaster Chao]

Here's the new and improved version! I took in wat u all said and redid it. Don'tworry it's still the same story but I corrected the punctuation and stuff.

Bonsly’s Battles

Prologue

Ryan Robertson was a normal kid: a pretty average person. He brushed his strawberry blonde hair back as he reached for a pokeball.
“Right Leon!” he shouted, “Are you ready for my first pokemon?”
“Bring it on dude! You’re going down!” his friend replied with confidence.
“Ok, here it comes! GO WALREIN!” screamed Ryan as a huge, blue seal with coral like hair emerged from the pokeball. It gave a roar and was clearly ready for battle.
“Ha! Are you joking or something?!? Well here comes my pokemon! GO MEGANIUM!” Leon’s wispy, black hair blew in the wind as he launched the pokeball into the air. Suddenly, an enormous, green creature with petals sprouting from its neck appeared from the ball. It roared too. The battle started.
“NOW WALREIN USE YOUR ICEBEAM!” ordered Ryan as the seal shot a light-blue beam from its mouth! The beam flew right across the battlefield, smacking into Meganium with a deafening smash. The pokemon cried in pain. As it lay recovering, Ryan ordered another attack on the green being.
“WALREIN USE BLIZZARD NOW!” he screeched. The seal flipped in the air and summoned a snowstorm. Meganium realised what was coming and swiftly dodged the attack.
“MEGANIUM USE VINEWHIP!” shouted Leon. The green beast hurled itself into the air and flung two vines from its sides. They slashed Walrein leaving him hurt and weak, but still strong enough to deliver one last blow.
“WALREIN!” shouted Ryan, “are you alright?” Walrein looked up at him and smiled. He got up slowly and awaited his next order.
“WALREIN USE SHEER COLD NOW!!” ordered Ryan. The seal gave an immense roar as a huge ice cube formed around Meganium. The green creature fell to the ground and froze.
“Meganium return!” shouted Leon.
“Walrein return!” echoed Ryan.
“You did well there dude. Your Walrein’s doing really well.” said Leon.
“Yeah he is, isn’t he.” answered Ryan.
“Well I’m off. I’m going to challenge the Battle Dome and get my gold symbol,” said Leon confidently.
“Well good luck and I’ll see you later. Thanks for the training!” replied Ryan cheerily.
“That’s ok! See you later then” said Leon.
“Yeah bye” replied Ryan as they parted and went their own way.

When Ryan got home his mum was preparing dinner.
“Hello Ryan. How’s Leon?” she asked.
“ Good!” said Ryan. “Mum, I’m going to take on one of the seven Frontier events but I don’t know which one to go for,” said Ryan in a voice of uncertainty. Any ideas?
“Well, the Tower’s always a good place to start,” his mum suggested.
“Yeah, that sounds great. Thanks mum!” replied Ryan.
Once Ryan had finished eating his dinner he went upstairs to his bedroom. As he entered the room, he saw a little tree like creature lying on his bed. It was Bonsly!!
“Hi Bonsly! Have a good nap?” Ryan asked.
Bonsly jumped up then stretched. He looked very happy to see his friend.
“Come on. We’re going to the Battle Tower!” shouted Ryan excitedly. Bonsly leaped around the room, jumping for joy. They both dashed downstairs then left the house banging the door behind them. Little did they know (as they set off towards the Battle Tower) that this would be an adventure they’d never forget!

There it is. Hope u liked version to and I'll soon have finished chappie 1

 

[Leon]

theres still some stuff wrong with it. the exclamation mark after walreins first attack, and

Little did they know (as they set off towards the Battle Tower) that

no Author notes.
~Leon~

 

[Dilasc]

Well, this is... lacking. If you want to edit your story, use the edit button. Don't post the same chapter again, even if improved! It saves space and time, and honestly looks far better. Anyway, let's take a look at your story, shall we?

Ryan Robertson was a normal kid: a pretty average person. He brushed his strawberry blonde hair back as he reached for a pokeball.

Uh, that's a very poor choice of words for a description, especially of personality, and to be honest, not a very good way to entice your readers to want more story.

The characters themselves seem a bit bland, but I'm going to assume there's much more character growth as the story progresses, or so I hope, for your sake.

I'm going to suggest the same thing I suggest to everybody else I feel needs to improve. Go out there and read some fics! You'll be surprised how much you can improve if you do so and pay attention to what you read.

Well, that's all from me, really.