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Born to be a Master

Chidori__O

Well-Known Member
Chapter One
Espeon VS Furret


"And the master cup is coming up in the next 3 months! I hear the top 8 in the rookie tournament get an invitation to it if I'm got mistaken Bob! Is this amazing news correct?"

"Why, yes it is Barbra! The rookie tournament is starting in a week while registration ends today! We are standing at the registration desk right now! And just to correct you, registration ends in 5 minutes. And now for the weathe-"


"WAIT!" I cry out. "Don't close yet! I'm registering!" I noticed the camera man and the famous news reporter Bob Benson.

"Well, would you look at that!" Bob announced. He turned back to the camera. "It seems there is a last minute entry! The boy is a skinny 5 foot something kid with black hair which I wouldn't call long, but longer then average! He is currently wearing a black hoodie and blue jeans! And those are some nice sneakers you got! And it's not winter yet he has a scarf on! Move the camera so the audience sees him! You don't mind, do you?"

I turn to Bob. "The fact that you gave a nearly perfect description of me already? Sure, go ahead." I turn back to the clerk. "Here, I filled out the sheet!" I pass back the sheet I printed out today.

The clerk typed on the computer for a few seconds. He turned back. "You're all set to go. But first..." A grin went across his face. "Wanna have a pokemon battle? I haven't battled for a while!"

I grinned back. "All right!"

Bob seemed to have heard this. "Can we watch? And by we, I mean the whole Hokkaido region!"

Clerk and I nodded. "Go ahead." Clerk said. The reason why I'm saying Clerk is because I don't know his name. I really don't want to ask his name because I don't know how to say it. And the whole Hokkaido region is watching...

We walked to the battlefield and stood on opposite sides. It was more of a rocky battle field with a pokeball design in the center. Although, I'm thinking a bit harder and realize it's just the ground, no rocks.
Pokemon Trainer Light Yokori VS MClerk Jack Flynn
1 on 1 battle!​

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50sEv5bSOaM, battle music!)

I sent out my Espeon. It's been my trusty pal since I was born. It is currently at level 23. I nicknamed him Dawn.

Jack sent out Furret. By my ear, I keep what all trainers in this region have. A battle scanner. Shows the pokemon's name and LV. Any other information you have to wait a few moments. But mine is different. It was given by my father and it has a few differences then others. I check the Furret's level. It is 25.

"AND...BEGIN!!" Bob cried and we were off. I command Dawn to use Psybeam which knocks Furret off it's feet. I check the scanner and it lost nearly half its Health Points in one go. A pokemon battle ends when a pokemon loses all its Health Points.

Jack wasn't going to lose that easily though. "Furret, use Dig now!" Furret burrowed underground.

"Don't let your guard down Dawn!" I say. Dawn is tensed. Furret comes out of the ground and strikes Dawn hard. I panic because Dawn's health is dangerously low. Luckily, Dawn was holding a Oran Berry so it recovered 10 HP.

"Dawn, use Hidden Power!" I yell. Hidden Power is an amazing move which type changes depending on pokemon. I know Dawns is Fire. Red (almost fire like) orbs circle around Dawn, then he launch's them at Furret.

Jack wasn't done yet though. "Furret, use Hyper Beam!" A white like (maybe yellow?) beam shot out of its mouth; colliding with the orbs. The orbs however, couldn't block the beam though it managed to weaken the blow. Dawn was shaking but wasn't out yet. Furret was recharging. I took my chance here.

"USE PSYBEAM!" I cry. Dawn unleashed a beam which hit Furret and dealt a ton of damage. I checked the scanner. It's HP was really low.

Furret unleased a Quick Attack right after it was hit. I didn't need to tell Dawn to use his own Quick Attack. He knew. Though Furret did a tiny little trip. I once more, seized my chance.

"QUICK ATTACK!" I screech and Dawn moves quickly and knocks Furret out. We won. Dawn leveled up to LV 24.

LIGHT WON

(Well, hope this is a good story. Introductions and details are in next chapter. Review and creative criticism is welcome.)
 

Azurne

~ ♥ ~
Okay, I am very confused about what's going on.

"And the master cup is coming up in the next 3 months! I hear the top 8 in the rookie tournament get an invitation to it if I'm got mistaken Bob! Is this amazing news correct?"

"Why, yes it is Barbra! The rookie tournament is starting in a week while registration ends today! We are standing at the registration desk right now! And just to correct you, registration ends in 5 minutes. And now for the weathe-"

"WAIT!" I cry out. "Don't close yet! I'm registering!" I noticed the camera man and the famous news reporter Bob Benson.
You've started off with some dialogue by people who I would have assumed are on the TV, and the main character shouts at the TV to "wait" because they want to register. But then this happens:

"Well, would you look at that!" Bob announced. He turned back to the camera. "It seems there is a last minute entry! The boy is a skinny 5 foot something kid with black hair which I wouldn't call long, but longer then average! He is currently wearing a black hoodie and blue jeans! And those are some nice sneakers you got! And it's not winter yet he has a scarf on! Move the camera so the audience sees him! You don't mind, do you?"

I turn to Bob. "The fact that you gave a nearly perfect description of me already? Sure, go ahead." I turn back to the clerk. "Here, I filled out the sheet!" I pass back the sheet I printed out today.
Uh, what? So your character isn't in front of a TV he's... at a studio or something? You've absolutely nothing here but dialogue, so I can't tell what's going on. Try to include a little description of the setting so your readers won't get so lost.

I'm also not sure why "Bob" even bothered to describe your character here, it really doesn't serve any purpose other than to overload the readers with information about your character. Was the "5 foot something" or "black hair which was longer than average" really necessary? I think having the reporter say something a little more natural like "this young man over here" would help. If you really feel like you need to describe your character, you could then take a few quick lines of him standing nearby.


Next, the clerk wanting to battle was completely out of nowhere wasn't executed very well. Try to give it a little more gradual build up. Fanfiction doesn't work like the games where we have a random encounter and only a few quick lines are exchanged.

The reason why I'm saying Clerk is because I don't know his name. I really don't want to ask his name because I don't know how to say it. And the whole Hokkaido region is watching...

This is a little contradicting. The main character doesn't know his name, yet he knows if he did he wouldn't know how to say it? How does he know that it wasn't something really simple like George? If your problem is it's a foreign region, then I'd suggest changing "Bob" too, seeing as that's not a very foreign name.

We walked to the battlefield and stood on opposite sides. It was more of a rocky battle field with a pokeball design in the center. Although, I'm thinking a bit harder and realize it's just the ground, no rocks.
You could really use better description here. For instance: "We walked to the battlefield and stood on opposite sides. All around me were various mounds of dry dirt and rocks, some chipped and broken from previous Pokémon battles or missing entire chunks. Scattered, sharp little pebbles dotted the field making any sort of movement hazardous. The closer I looked however, I saw that those giant rocks weren't rocks at all, just massive piles of packed sand."

Makes a bit better image, right? Try and put a little more thought into your setting so you can give your readers an accurate picture. Don't use vague descriptors like "a rocky field", because any sort of "rocky field" can look very different for each reader, and while in some cases a little bit of imaginative power is a good thing, you have far too little description as it is so the more the better.

I sent out my Espeon. It's been my trusty pal since I was born. It is currently at level 23. I nicknamed him Dawn.

When writing a fanfiction, it's good practice not to use levels from the games, unless you are writing a story from the perspective of someone actually playing the games. This is because levels are usually just a game mechanic and aren't directly referenced in the game's dialogue. (At least, not that I remember. Someone can feel free to fill me in otherwise.) Not to mention it also makes really boring storytelling. Espeon is at level 23 and the furret is at level 25. So espeon is weaker, and will have to fight a little harder, got it. That can easily be turned into something a little more exciting. Think of ways you can show off how much stronger furret is, or how espeon is just a hair weaker without resorting to a level/number.

A battle scanner. Shows the pokémon's name and LV. Any other information you have to wait a few moments. But mine is different. It was given by my father and it has a few differences then others. I check the Furret's level. It is 25.

The battle scanner is an interesting idea, and I could buy the fact it could possibly gauge a pokémon's strength by using a "level" system. You might want to introduce it earlier though if you're choosing to go this route. The other problem I see with this paragraph is the "few differences" this scanner has in comparison to others. You bring it up like it's important, but then neglect to tell the readers what these differences are. If it's not important, why mention it?

I command Dawn to use Psybeam which knocks Furret off it's feet. I check the scanner and it lost nearly half its Health Points in one go. A pokmon battle ends when a pokémon loses all its Health Points.
Again, you could really spice this up by improving your description. "Knocking furret off its feet" isn't as exciting as, "espeon use psybeam which struck furret's chest, knocking the little brown pokémon off its feet and into a large pile of hardened sand." Try playing with it. :3

I'm also not a fan of health points, even with a battle scanner. I could probably get behind something like a fatigue gauge which goes from green to red, but specified hit points makes it sound like these pokémon are just computer sprites and not living, breathing creatures.

A white like (maybe yellow?)

I'm not sure why this yellow part is in parentheses. It gives the impression that you, the writer, don't know what the beam is and are just guessing at it. It takes the reader out of your story somewhat.

"QUICK ATTACK!" I screech and Dawn moves quickly and knocks Furret out. We won. Dawn leveled up to LV 24.

LIGHT WON

This is a pretty anti-climatic end, but looking back through the rest of the story, the whole thing is rather anti-climatic. I'm not sure where we are in the beginning, or what's even going on. All I can gather here is that there is a battle between some clerk and a trainer (whose names are only briefly mention outside of the actual "story" bits) for the beginning of a rookie tournament, and the trainer wins. There's no emotion behind it, no drive, and no personality. I don't know who any of these characters are because they lack some sort of personality, and because they lack personality I'm not emotionally invested in this battle at all - it just happened.

Overall, I don't feel like this story has a purpose either. Is there an overarching plot or is this just a series of battles?

On the bright side, your grammar is okay - though you do have a few errors like "it's" and "its".

All in all, I would suggest going back and figuring out what you want out of this story. For some reason I get the impression you're just making thing up and you go along, and it doesn't work very well.

I wish you good luck on writing more in the future, however~
 
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