Boys vs girls- Pokemon edition! Rated G

[BlazingCold]

I DONT WANT TO WRITE THIS ANYMORE
*not writing this anymore*

 

[BlazingCold]

khlgbkjhvikbk

 

[Sir Spacebar]

Great Story. You have Te PM List Righta? Add me in it

 

[BlazingCold]

I shall, and thanks!

 

[AbsolXWolf]

Don't feel too bad, I didn't get any reviews (but then aagain I'm new so that could be it). I'm still finding my way, and would like to know what the purpose of a pm list is.

Onto the story! I find it very funny and I found a couple of funky areas and mispellings but I'm not sure if you want me to point them out or not.

A brother that blasts his sister off? A mother that doesn't love her son as much as her daughter? A town that's slowly turning into a city of females? I can't help but lol XD

Also this

"He's not here? Like, not WITH US?"

She swallowed her saliva, antsy. "Yes."

"I guess it's okay then," Megan's mom said, "He'll be back soon."

Oh my, how cruel you are Megan. Poor, poor Cameron.

Good story! I'm only sad that the chapters are so short.

 

[BlazingCold]

xcvbnmasdfghjklasdfghjkl

 

[lucario44444444]

LMAO I love it!

 

[BlazingCold]

asdfghjklasdfghjkl

 

[kyogreblue3]

Tons of typos here and there, and there's one huge issue.
THE GIRLS ARE STEREOTYPES. /discussion.
Gosh, ever heard of the term TOMBOY. Not all girls are girly and love pink, those things that make me HURL, hate to break it to ya

I mean, take myself for instance. Tons of serebii peeps think I'm a dude, I have an autographed Jedi robe, I wear oxfords (OXFORDS ARE BEAST lol), couldn't care less about stupid things like fashion, hair, and clothes. I'm the only girl in my whole grade that wears pants and not the stupid skirts.

So there you have it. /rant.

Anyway, slap my username on the PM List. This ficceh has some potential . . .

 

[BlazingCold]

Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe

I feel strange now.

 

[ToeyJoey]

"Again?" the girl said. "Why is he chasing after us?" she said, but there was no time to waist.

This should be waste.

 

[BlazingCold]

qwertyuiopqwertyuiop

 

[bobandbill]

A quick post as a reminder of the fanfiction rules. Make sure that your chapters are two pages long, as in its current formatting it falls short of that. You'd want to space things out (a line of spacing between each new paragraph), and try to expand on things too. A lot of the jokes at the moment I feel are rushed, so working on the delivery and trying to use more description as a way to get the humour across would help, imo.

On that note, try to show rather than tell.

Cameron and Derrick had faces like when Cameron got his 3ds XL, and when Derrick recieved his first pokemon.

Besides the typo on received, this could be funnier if you had described their reactions rather than just saying they 'had faces like'.
Some sentences sound odd too:

Outside popped out a Wigglytuff.

Spend some time proofreading, and again, expand on details. What happens to the Wigglytuff afterwards, for instance? In the next scenes it's promptly forgotten.

 

[BlazingCold]

A quick post as a reminder of the fanfiction rules. Make sure that your chapters are two pages long, as in its current formatting it falls short of that. You'd want to space things out (a line of spacing between each new paragraph), and try to expand on things too. A lot of the jokes at the moment I feel are rushed, so working on the delivery and trying to use more description as a way to get the humour across would help, imo.

On that note, try to show rather than tell.
Besides the typo on received, this could be funnier if you had described their reactions rather than just saying they 'had faces like'.
Some sentences sound odd too:
Spend some time proofreading, and again, expand on details. What happens to the Wigglytuff afterwards, for instance? In the next scenes it's promptly forgotten.

close this plz

 

[bobandbill]

...Okay, can do. Hope this just means you're starting a new thread though rather than stopping the story because of the advice I offered.